by Barrett
Rachel handed her a rock glass with vodka and walked to the front window. Her normally erect posture drooped. She sipped her drink then returned to the couch. “If you’ve really made up your mind, I don’t suppose there’s any point in delaying the inevitable. Why don’t you ask him to come over tomorrow afternoon?”
A hard knot formed in Silke’s throat, making it hard to swallow. “That’s probably a good idea.” She sipped her drink. “Have you given any thought to how you’d like to divide things up?” Her fingers tightened around the cold glass just like cold fingers tightening in her gut.
“Not really.” Rachel shrugged. “I suppose I could make a list. Mostly it will be family heirloom stuff. My desk, chair, and file cabinet for starters. I don’t know. I guess it will depend on what happens with the house . . .”
Silke sipped the ice-cold vodka and felt it slide past the knot in her throat. It still felt cold when it reached her stomach. This is surreal. At this moment in time, none of the stuff in the house meant anything. It was just stuff. They had picked it out together in the heady early days when all they wanted to do was please each other. She forced herself to focus on the present and not be swept away by nostalgia and romance. “I guess I could call Phillip and set up a time. That way we’d know how long we had to make a list.”
Rachel just nodded.
Silke went out to the kitchen and made the call. Rachel joined her just as she hung up. “He said he’d bring the papers over here at noon tomorrow.”
“Okay, then, I’ll put together some notes . . .” Rachel paused and put her empty glass in the sink. “I, um, thought it might be best to stay somewhere else for a few days. You know, just so we could each have some space. So, I’m going to pack a few more things and then I’ll go.”
Silke stopped. Cold tendrils tightened around her chest. “I see. Where are you staying?” She hoped that sounded casual.
“Riz set me up. I told her it was just a temporary thing.” She turned, and her cold expression froze Silke’s heart. “I guess it’s not.”
“I have to get back to work.” Silke’s pulse raced, and she couldn’t catch her breath. She emptied her glass and swallowed hard. She had to get out of there.
She crossed the back yard and fumbled with the lock on the studio door and once inside, closed it. The room was still except for the irregular thrum of the exhaust fan.
Silke leaned against the two large pieces of wood. Their touch felt solid, warm, and secure. She held one as tightly as a life raft and slid to the floor. The queasiness grew into nausea.
She felt flushed, short of breath, and dizzy. For the first time in her adult life, she didn’t know what to do. The once solid foundation beneath her felt tenuous. Her chest was too tight to take a breath, but she forced herself. As her lungs expanded, the knot holding her insides together loosened and released a Pandora’s Box of sadness. Her sobs increased until her cries became agonized howls that reverberated in the empty space.
Chapter Thirty-six
THE VIBRATION OF her cell phone pulled her back. The studio was nearly dark. The blue display indicated a text message from Kirin.
I had errands in MKE, just finished. Is it okay to talk?
She blinked to focus on the keyboard and without analyzing, typed, “Yes.” She pulled herself up with stiff muscles. Clearly, nodding off on a cement floor had consequences.
As she settled in her drafting chair, the phone rang.
“Hey you,” Kirin said, “I didn’t want to interrupt if you were busy working or . . . well, if you weren’t alone.”
“I’m glad you called.” Silke covered her mouth for a moment then took a breath. “We had our talk, and I’m pretty sure Rachel’s gone by now. I’m in the studio.”
“Would it be okay if I stopped by?” Kirin asked.
A gentle wave of relief flowed over her from just hearing those words. “I’d appreciate that.”
“Okay, see you in a bit.”
Silke opened the bay door and walked across the alley to make sure Rachel was gone. Her car wasn’t in front of the house. The evening breeze felt good on her damp skin, and she sat on a low cement wall adjacent to the door of her studio. She was so thankful that Kirin had called. For a short time at least, she’d have someone on her side. It was times like this she missed Diane.
She heard footsteps even before she could see anything. Only a few of her neighbors had yard lights that extended as far as the alley. A silhouette was moving toward her, and a white shirt reflected a dim light. As she got closer, Silke recognized Kirin’s distinctive, purposeful walk and waved, as a cat dashed out from behind the wall beside her and ran across the alley.
“You didn’t have to wait outside for me but it was very nice of you,” Kirin said.
Silke stood as Kirin approached with her arms open. With the gentle embrace, Silke fell into the comfort of being held. “I’m really glad you’re here. Do you want to come into the studio or shall we go up to the house?”
“Why don’t you show me what you’ve done?” Kirin left her arm around Silke’s waist as they walked into the studio. Two work lights shined on the project from different angles, accenting the carving.
Kirin walked around each of them and ran her fingers across the surfaces. Silke felt both a slight shiver and a flutter in her chest as she watched Kirin’s hands caress her work.
“This is really impressive. I can’t wait to see the finished product.” Kirin turned to Silke, and her expression changed. Her jaw tightened and her eyes look darker. “Are you all right?” She stepped closer.
Silke opened her mouth but couldn’t get the words out.
“Your eyes are so swollen and your face . . . what happened?” Kirin asked.
“I don’t know, I . . . I’ve never felt so confused or uncertain . . .”
Kirin took her hand. “Okay. Let’s lock up and go up to the house.”
THE BACK DOOR was open, and Kirin led Silke into the kitchen. She worried a little about the way Silke was trembling.
“What do you want to do? Can I get you some water or a drink?”
“Would you just hold me for a few minutes?” Silke asked.
Kirin pulled Silke into her arms and held her close. She stroked her back and eventually the trembling lessened and breathing deepened. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I don’t know.” Silke clung tightly.
“It’s okay. You’ll be all right.” Kirin closed her eyes and felt the warmth of their bodies pressed together as their breathing synchronized. Holding Silke was as natural as her own breath. At that moment, every nerve in her body tingled with pleasure. Time vanished, and she lost herself in a warm bubble floating a little above the floor.
Silke pulled back until their cheeks brushed. “I think I’d like a drink, there’s vodka in the freezer—or there may be some wine in the refrigerator, if you’d prefer that.”
Kirin reluctantly released her. “Why don’t you go sit down and I’ll bring you something.”
Silke turned on the light over the stove up and walked into the living room.
Kirin fixed the drinks, went into the living room, and sat next to Silke on the couch. The living room was dark except for the streetlights through the front window. The only sound was the low hum of the air conditioning unit.
“Do you want to talk?” Kirin asked. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”
Silke swirled the liquid in the rock glass and took a sip. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Rachel stayed calm—a little too calm. When I came back from the doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, I had noticed that she’d moved half her clothes out of the closet. She didn’t come home until earlier this afternoon.”
Kirin swallowed hard. She knew why Rachel was late getting home.
“Long story short, she didn’t put up much resistance. Just asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted. She agreed to meet with Phillip tomorrow afternoon here at the house. I was surprised that she seemed genuinely concern
ed about my safety and then announced that Riz had found her some place to stay so we could each have some space.”
Kirin stifled a groan and just nodded politely. “Well, it sounds like she’s not going to fight you about this.”
“Maybe that’s why I’m so confused. I guess I thought she’d fight for this relationship. I must’ve been right about the fact that it was over years ago.” A tear reflected by the streetlight slid down Silke’s face. “I feel so stupid. I believed we were perfect for each other. I really thought that we’d grow old and gray together.” Her voice broke. “How could I have been so wrong?”
Kirin handed her a tissue from the box on the coffee table. “You’re not stupid, you trusted her.” And she doesn’t deserve it.
“Maybe it was my fault, if I’d only tried a little harder . . .”
Kirin bristled. It was impossible to stay silent. “Silke, this may be none of my business, but I care about you and I think you need to have all the information for this decision. It could be that for some time now, Rachel’s been seeing someone else . . .”
Silke’s sad face transformed to confusion and disbelief. “What are you saying?”
Kirin took a deep breath. “I helped Melissa move some boxes to Steffi’s yesterday. She asked me to stay for an office get-together to welcome her. Rachel showed up with Lissa, and it was obvious to me they were quite familiar with each other. Then I remembered seeing them together when we were up north. I didn’t make much of it because I thought all of you were friends. When you told me that she opened a separate account and a line of credit, it sounded a little fishy. I didn’t say anything because I don’t know anything for sure. I’m just speculating.”
“Shit. I can’t believe I didn’t see this.” Silke grabbed her face with her hands. “Unbelievable. That explains so much. The extra out of town trips, the hush-hush phone calls. How could I have been so oblivious?” She slammed her fist into the pillow next to her then stood up and paced. “All this time I’ve been walking on eggshells, terrified of doing anything that would make her angry.”
She stopped suddenly and turned to Kirin. “And everyone at that party knew. They’ve all known the whole time and no one had the balls to tell me. Friends I’ve known for years. Ha! Friends indeed. Son of a bitch.”
Kirin could empathize with her. It was humiliating. She wished she hadn’t said anything as she watched Silke struggle with complex emotions. But at the same time, she wondered why no one had said anything for so long, especially if any of them knew the truth about Silke’s loss of vision. Her heart ached as she thought about how difficult the past several months had been. She offered her hand, and Silke returned to the couch where she curled up and put her head on Kirin’s shoulder.
“I feel badly, dragging you into this fucking nightmare,” Silke said. “But, hopefully, we can resolve it tomorrow.”
Kirin shifted around and wrapped her arms around Silke. “Maybe that’s why I showed up when I did. Maybe we both needed a little help right now.”
“I can’t see that I’ve been much of a help,” Silke said with a laugh.
“But you have. I’ve done some of my best work since our adventure in Belize.”
Silke sighed. “Don’t you wish we were there right now, listening to the night birds and the sound of the waves, feeling the offshore breeze and the warm sand between our toes? And the only thing to worry about would be what to have for breakfast.”
For a few seconds, Kirin closed her eyes and allowed the memory to surface. “Yes, I do.”
Silke traced light circular patterns on Kirin’s forearm with her finger, sending small shivers up her arm. Kirin could scarcely remember a time when she had felt so content just holding another person. She put her cheek on the top of Silke’s head and inhaled not only the fresh scent of shampoo, but the heat from her body.
“What you think I should do with this information?” Silke lifted her head and focused her dark green eyes.
“I don’t really know what to tell you. I think you’ll know when the time comes how much you want to say. Would it make any difference now?” Kirin stroked the soft skin on Silke’s neck and shoulder.
“No, I suppose not, at least not as far as the house deal.” She took a deep breath. “It’s really water over the dam, now. I just feel so humiliated. I must be a laughing stock.” Her voice cracked.
“What do you want? Let’s focus on what would make you happy?” Kirin wanted to extract Silke’s venom-like pain.
Silke sat up a little and intertwined her fingers with Kirin’s. “You’re right. I can’t stop the hurting but I can focus on something positive. I’m really enjoying the project I’m working on, but I’m getting anxious to finish it. I’m cautiously hopeful about the grant I applied for but all I really want is to get back to Belize for a while. Does that sound crazy?”
Kirin couldn’t resist touching the lock of hair that had fallen across Silke’s forehead and pushed it back gently. “It doesn’t sound crazy it all. In fact, as you described it . . . I wished the same thing.”
Silke shared one of her genuine, transcendent smiles. “When do you think you could go back?”
“I’m not sure. The August review is done, the storm article is with my editor, and the Sturgeon Bay article was accepted. Esther is deciding what she wants for October, so I guess we’ll find out.”
“Once all the legal stuff is complete . . . do you think you might consider going back with me?”
For a nanosecond, Kirin’s heart stopped, and she couldn’t breathe. The nebulous fantasy was her secret. Where’s my voice?
“Sure,” she said in an unrecognizable squeak.
Silke took a swallow of her drink and leaned back. “There are probably a thousand arrangements . . . but when you asked what I wanted, that’s it. I want time away from here. I want peace and beauty and harmony. I want to be able to recharge my batteries and start a new life.”
Kirin marveled at the transformation and resisted plunging headlong into Silke’s dream life. This was not the time to complicate her life. Being a supportive friend was one thing but interpreting Silke’s invitation as anything other than that could be a big mistake.
“It’s certainly worth researching.” In the back of her mind, she wondered about the feasibility of taking her own sabbatical. Like most of the freelance travel writers she knew, few ever took actual vacations. With these last three articles and her savings, she could probably manage some time off, especially if she was sharing expenses. Just the word sharing raised her body temperature.
“Are you hungry?” Silke suddenly laughed. “I don’t remember when I ate last and I just remembered that Rachel brought food home.”
A BROWN PAPER bag sat on top of the stove.
Silke removed each carton and opened it to see what was inside. “Rachel must have had a problem deciding because she bought at least three entrees and four side dishes.” She waved her arms and laughed. “Look at this, will you? She bought enough for the whole weekend.”
Kirin stood on the other side of the island, peered at the white cardboard cartons, and laughed. “How wonderful. Chinese food. I can’t remember the last time I had that.”
Silke tossed a fortune cookie at her. “C’mon. I worked hard opening all these containers. The least you could do a share this bounty with me.”
Kirin nodded. “You’re right as usual. It is the least I can do. Where are the plates?”
“In the cabinet right behind you.”
Within a few minutes, they sat at the kitchen table, indulging in a veritable feast. At least Rachel hadn’t skimped on dinner . . . with her forty-two-thousand-dollar bank account. Bitch.
“I feel like I’ve ruined your day with all this drama. You said you were helping Melissa move. How do you think that’ll work out?” Silke spooned more rice on her plate, added beef and pea pods then tore open a packet of soy sauce.
Kirin wiped her mouth with a napkin. “I’ll be the first to admit that I was a little skepti
cal when Melissa decided to move in with Steffi.” She shook her head and dished more food onto her plate. “I thought the sexual Olympics would run its course, but I was wrong. Melissa is taking this very seriously. I’d never seen her act like this. She’s serious, focused, and attentive. When I saw her with Steffi, I could see a genuine fondness, so I’m cautiously optimistic.”
Silke listened carefully as Kirin described the change in her ex-girlfriend. It was certainly different from her breakup. Of course, the circumstances were different, but Kirin almost seemed happy for her. A warm flush bloomed in her chest when she thought about how grateful she was to have Kirin as a friend—a good friend. Her gentle strength and tenderness felt good. It reminded her of what it felt like when her dad used to tuck her in tightly like a mummy. With her thick quilt wrapped around her, she’d always felt warm and safe.
