by Amanda Heath
I never had this kind of thing in my family, so it was nice to be a part of it for a little while. Thanksgiving in my household consisted of a dinner made by the chef and us sitting around quietly eating. Aiden and I were strangers to our parents. They had no clue what to do with us. I say that’s their loss. If you can’t be bothered to pay enough attention to your children, then your children shouldn’t have to pay attention to you.
When the house got quiet I snuck out to the backyard to smoke one of my joints. I just can’t deal with it. It’s too much to handle. My life has become a lie and everything I do is a lie. I want a break from reality…no I fucking need it.
I’m half way through my little rolled up smoke when Caden’s happy ass comes strolling around the side of the house. I know my eyes are deer caught in headlights big but I can’t care. I can’t believe he caught me getting stoned. How worse could this whole situation get?
“The way everyone talks about you, I would never thought you knew what pot is. Now you are out here toking it up and I’m not even surprised.” He stops walking and stands way too close to me. I can smell his minty aftershave and cologne and I want to climb inside of him. His dark t-shirt strains against his muscles and his legs are incased in low riding jeans that fit him to perfection. I want to take all those clothes off and rub myself against all that hard skin.
Jesus I’m such a slut.
“You don’t know me, Caden. No one does.” And there goes the pot talking. I don’t know what it is about this stuff that makes me say shit I wouldn’t normally say. My only guess is, it’s full of truth serum.
His bright blue eyes darken with something I can’t make on in my un-sober mind. He steps until we are touching in all the places I shouldn’t want to be touching him. “I know you, Grace. I know you so damn well I see through you. I can see your true colors.”
I know he is trying to be serious but all I can hear in my head is the lyrics to Outside by Staind. Which makes me giggle. Yes I giggle when I’m high. Sue me. I take a hit from my joint and hold in the smoke.
“What so damn funny?” he asks, a husky tone to his voice. He takes the joint from me and gets a deep hit. He passes it back to me as I let out the smoke from my lungs. “Cuz inside you’re ugly, ugly like me. I can see through you.” I say quietly watching his jaw stiffen as he holds in his hit.
“Ah. I love that song.” He tells me when he lets out his breath. He takes the joint from me again and places it backwards in his mouth. He dips his head down to mine and touches his lips to mine. He blows smoke into my mouth and I suck it in. I have done this before with Justin, but somehow this is better and…sexier. Caden’s lips are soft against mine and his hands are on my hips under my shirt and massaging my skin.
Caden finally pulls his head back up and takes the joint out of his mouth. He takes his own hit. We are quiet as we finish it. My head is cloudy but I feel amazing. Getting stoned will do that to you. My entire body is tingly and I love every second of it.
After he throws the last of the pot to the ground and stomps it out he is on me like white on rice. His hands go to my ass and his lips land on mine and his tongue automatically enters my mouth. My arms go around his neck and my body takes over as my brain goes quiet. I feel hot all over and my skin breaks out in a fine layer of sweat. Feeling like I can’t stand another second, and my legs go around his waist.
“Grace. I want to fuck you so bad.” Caden moans as I grind my hips against his erection. I want all this clothes gone and his dick buried as far as it can go. I’m fucking addicted to the way he makes me feel. I’m addicted to him. This is so bad and I can’t even bring myself to care.
“Kayla. My name is Kayla.” I blurt out as he starts to kiss my neck. My hands go up the back of his neck and start to pull at his hair. I don’t want this slow as he seems to want. I want fast and hard like we usually do. I’m in no mood to build it up I want it right now.
When he completely stops and looks into my eyes, I know that I’ve fucked up. “What do you mean your name is Kayla?”
I close my eyes and lean my head back onto the side of the house. Fuck. “I’m high I don’t know what I meant.” Yeah like that will ever work.
Caden’s hand comes up and rest against my throat. I should be scared but this is Caden. Aggressive and always touching me. When we get this close to each other, I feel like he can’t get enough of touching me. I don’t mind at all though, because I can’t bring myself to stop touching him. “Bullshit. You know exactly what you meant. Grace isn’t your real name?”
In my cloudy brain I think I was hoping that one person could see the real me. Not Grace, which is just a part I’m playing. It might be a part to save my sanity and have a better life, but still I want Caden to see Kayla. The girl who I have always been, not Grace who isn’t even close to who I really am. “Grace isn’t my real name, no. Kayla is.” I whisper feeling tears prick behind my eyes. God I don’t want to cry in front of him.
“Did you change it because of your ex-boyfriend?” he questions softly brushing the tears that have fallen away from my cheeks.
I shake my head. “Don’t ask me about it. Please. I can’t tell you and I don’t want to lie to you.” I plead quietly, barely above a whisper. “Please Caden.” I can’t tell him but I refuse to lie to him anymore. I realize now that he is more to me then some guy I fucked. More than my boyfriend’s brother. He’s Caden plain and simple and you don’t treat Caden as something that can be swept under the rug. He’s unforgettable and I think no matter where I go in life or where I end up my heart will always belong to the man in front of me.
He sweeps the hair out of my face and behind my ears. His intense eyes search mine and when he finds what he’s looking for he comforts me. “I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again. It’s going to be okay, I promise you that.” He places his forehead down on mine and I want to stay like this forever. “You have nothing to fear anymore, Angel.” He whispers as he lips meet mine. I don’t know who started the kiss and I don’t care. I want to spend the rest of my life kissing him.
He sets my feet back on the ground and I start to protest when he slips his hands under my skirt and starts to tug down my panties. Oh. When they are on the ground and I’m naked under the skirt he picks me back up to wrap my legs around his waist. He starts to kiss me again as I make quick work with his jean’s button and zipper.
Before I know it he’s inside of me and stretching me so deliciously. His hands are on my ass and he’s massaging the naked skin. It feels so good, I don’t want this to ever end. He dips his head down to my ear and whispers, “Ride me, Angel. Take what you need.”
I moan and start rubbing my hips over him causing the most wonderful friction. God, don’t ever let this end, please. Our bodies fit so perfectly together, it’s like we were made to be doing this. I ride him slowly at first but before long he can’t handle it. His hand moves up to my waist and he stills me as he slams home over and over again. It’s not long before I’m crying out into the night air. I want to scream his name at the top of my lungs, but I refrain. That would get us caught for sure.
He pulls out, coming on his hand and my leg. At least he can remember to even pull out, I was so lost in the moment I didn’t even notice he never put on a condom.
My happy afterglow bubble quickly burst when I realize that I have yet again fucked my boyfriend’s brother. I scramble out of his arms and start to run to the house. Caden catches me and pulls me back around to face him. His eyes are intense as usual but there’s anger there too. “You can run, you can pretend it didn’t happen, but it fucking did, Angel. I’m not going to do this to my brother anymore. Tomorrow you need to end it with him and come home with me. I’m done playing this game.” I only nod my head at a loss for words and quickly storm back into the house.
It’s not until I’m lying in bed, sick to my stomach, that I realize I was touching him the entire time we had sex.
What am I doing?
Seriously though. Am I that fuc
ked in the head? Why can’t I stay away from her? She’s my brother’s girlfriend and here I am running around behind his back. This isn’t me. I don’t cheat and I never thought I would be someone who slept with a girl who is taken.
I feel sick to my stomach as I climb the stairs in my parent’s house. And that’s when I see Teagan entering the room Declan is in. My fist clench next to my sides and I feel like walking into his room and beating the shit out of him. I don’t though, oh no I don’t. I walk right to Grace’s door when Teagan has closed the door behind her.
Usually I wouldn’t let my sister anywhere near a dude like Declan but with the other shit going on in my life, I really can’t worry about her right now. I think it’s about time I realize that Teagan can take care of herself. I need to stop the overprotective brother shit. I’m not her keeper and besides I can’t seem to take care of my own shit.
I open the door to Grace’s room and walk in. She is sitting on Jessica’s old bed, which is right next to the wall that separates my room from this one. I could hear Jessica on the phone at night and learned several things I didn’t want to know about her. It didn’t help my bed is right next to the shared wall.
“Please get out, Caden. I can’t deal with you right now.” She sounds different and I realize that her southern accent is gone. I’ve heard her speak this way before, but I didn’t think anything of it. Now I wonder what all her secrets are. She obviously has some shit to hide. It was a total shock to learn her real name isn’t Grace.
“Can’t do that, Angel. You and I need to talk.” I cross the room and sit down next to her on the bed. I don’t even think about what I’m doing and pull her down to lie in my arms. We have a seriously fucked up situation going on and right now all I need to know is if she is going to pick me.
She tries to fight me, but I don’t let her. She is going to lay here and talk to me if it kills us both. And it might, if Jaden hears anything we say. I brush that thought away. Do I really even care if he finds out? No because I’m tired of wanting what’s mine and letting him think he has her. Jaden has gotten whatever the hell he wanted our whole lives. I’m sick of it. It’s time I got something.
When she realizes that I’m not going to give up she lays still and I roll onto my side and prop my head up on my hand. I hover over her gorgeous face and refrain from bending down and kissing her. “I wanna know what you want to do. I have to know what you want. This shit has been killing me. I shouldn’t have told you to be with Jaden. I thought I would get over you but I just couldn’t. I tried and I tried but every time I closed my eyes at night I saw you. I see you. I want you to be my girl so bad, I think it’s killing me.”
She is quiet as I ramble on, but now her eyes are misty and she reaches up to cup my cheek. My own hand encircles her wrist and holds her there. I feel so alive when she touches me. It’s almost like I could do anything. And I want to feel this every day. I want her every day. “You don’t know how much I wished you would have said that weeks ago. It’s too late now. I’m not going to hurt him. And I’m certainly not going to leave him for you when you can’t promise me anything. You said you didn’t want me and here you are saying you do. I’m not leaving behind something that is secure for something that isn’t. I need security. Not something that might fall apart tomorrow.”
She wrestles her wrist away from me and I feel the loss like a ton of bricks. I can’t even begin to comprehend what she is telling me. “But you don’t want him. You want me.” I want to scream it from the top of the stairs so the entire house can hear me. I want the whole world to hear it. Feel it. Believe it.
“Physically I want you. My body doesn’t rule my mind and my heart. Those are for Jaden right now. Not you. I don’t want some relationship with you built on lust. I want it built on a future and love. You can’t give me that.” When a tear escapes her eye, I know she is full of shit. She knows it too, but she won’t admit it. That hurts more than her saying she only feels lust for me. I know that’s wrong as well. Her eyes are brighter when she’s looking at me. You can’t feel what we feel if there wasn’t some sort of feeling involved. My dick may want her all the time but so does my heart.
I climb out of the bed and stand on shaky legs. This has become too much for me. I was here to finally get what I wanted, but here she is telling me I can’t have it. I’m pissed off, hurt, and exhausted. I make eye contact before I put her in her place. “You can sit here and lie all you want, Grace. But I fucking know. I know how you feel, because I feel it too. And it’s not just here,” I point to my groin and then to my heart. “But here too. I feel you everywhere and I want you to be with me and not him. He can’t be what you need. When you figure that out I won’t be here waiting for you. I’m done playing games and pretending that you mean nothing to me.” I let out a bitter laugh and shake my head.
“Well I guess now it’s not pretending. You are nothing to me now. Since you picked him. I know what kind of person you are and I refuse to be pining for a fucking coward. If you won’t fight for us, then I won’t either.” My anger comes to boiling point because she hasn’t stopped me or tried to throw in her input. “I’m fucking done, Grace. Don’t come crying to me when Jaden can’t love you like I could. His heart belongs to someone else and he doesn’t even want it back.”
I bend down to her level and glare into her eyes. “You think you can fill that hole? Well you fucking can’t. You won’t ever be her and you’re sick for trying.” I stalk to the door before turning around one last time. “Have a nice fucking life in your one sided relationship.” The door softly clicks behind me. How I wish I could have slammed it.
One month later…
I think my entire family is about to disown me. I have been an irritable asshole for a month. I need to get laid but the only person I want to have in my bed is my brother’s girl. I bet he can’t even get her off. Jaden is too vanilla for Grace. She’s way to wild in bed for him. I hope she is getting sick of missionary position. Assholes.
I think I would be less like this if she was showing signs of being just as upset about it, but she’s not. She looks so fucking happy that it only pisses me off more. There’s no way she is truly happy with Jaden. They have no passion together, so it makes no sense why she won’t be with me. I could give her all the passion in the world. But apparently I’m not good enough for her.
December came and went and now I’m sitting on the couch watching some stupid show that I’m not even paying attention to. I want to be painting, but I ran out of paint. Mom went to get me some more. I should have gone, but I think mom wanted to get away from the house for a little while. I’ve been painting everyday since Grace rejected me. A lot of them are of her and some of them are of her and me. Then there are the others that are dark and angry. Dark colors swirl around the canvas shaping things that are wrong.
Those I have hanging around the apartment I share with Jaden. I hope Grace comes over and sees them and knows I hate her. Jaden tried to say something about them but I just growled and told him to fuck off. I’ve been growling and telling people to fuck off a lot lately.
When I hear Declan start shouting for help I’m out of my seat and rushing up the stairs. What I find makes me want to fuck up Declan. Teagan lies on the floor with blooding pooling around her. “What the fuck happened?” I spit out.
“I don’t know. I went down stairs to get her a cup of tea. She said she wasn’t feeling well. We thought it might have been a cold or the flu. When I got back, this is how I found her,” he says quickly, looking scared out of his mind. The big guy with his short dirty blonde hair and chocolate eyes, who I would never have picked for my sister, is literally falling apart right now. I can see the love for her in his eyes and I know right then and there I can truly respect this guy.
“Come on, let’s get her to the hospital. We can make it faster than the ambulance can get here.” I don’t wait for him; I just head out the door.
Declan sits in the back with Teagan and softly coos at her. Normally I wo
uld find it sickening but I know we are both freaked the fuck out. My sister has been through a lot in her short life and adding this is going to fucking break her. It doesn’t take much to put it together. I know Teagan spent the night in Declan’s room over Thanksgiving and the blood is coming from her girly parts. This has miscarriage written all over it. I can breathe easier because I know Dec is a good guy and will stand by her through this. He’ll be there and that makes me envy their relationship. I want someone to care about me that much. Just one fucking person.
As predictable as a rainstorm on a cloudy day, Jaden blows his shit when he finds out. If I hadn’t already known I probably would too. But me being the smarter twin I figured it out a long ass time ago. And because I can’t stand the sight of Jaden right now I didn’t tell him. He can go fuck himself.
Teagan does something I never thought would happen, she throws Declan out of her hospital room. I do realize she just had a traumatic experience but I have never wanted to hit my sister so much. And she has pissed me off real bad before. I run after Declan when I find out and have to stop Jaden “big headed idiot” Harper from trying to kill Dec. I swear my brother only thinks about himself.
Declan and his brother finally get to leave because I tell them to and I hold back ‘big head’. When they are good and gone I shove Jaden as hard as I can away from me and stalk off.
I’m done with this family.
I knew when I got up this morning it was going to be one of those days. I just knew everything was going to suck and I would want to end my miserable life by the end of it. I didn’t even make it all the way into my first class of the semester before I wanted that to happen.
