by T. Anthony
“I have been here for you all along and will continue to be here for you even when my soul is far into the heavens. You are the sister I never had. Stop apologizing, and come home safely,” was all that Samantha could say.
And it was all she had to say to soften the bludgeoned wound left from our last bloody good-bye.
I breathed deep as I counted the minutes before I could see my one true friend and confidante. I made acquaintances in Los Angeles, but friends are those who you don’t have to watch with an extra set of eyes. True friends are blunt and honest whenever it is necessary. A friend will tell you, You look like shit, because she loves you; she won’t tell you, You look great, when you actually look like shit, because she does really care.
And that was my Samantha.
Alexander had become all of this and filled the void left by Samantha. We had reached a point where our truths were all we had, whether the one hearing the truth liked it or not. We shared the most intimate and embarrassing of moments, thoughts, and fantasies because there was no one else in the world that either of us could have imagined sharing it with. And this is what made his “omissions,” as he called it, so hurtful. Perhaps as a woman I tell myself that I always want to know the truth about everything, but until now, the truth had never been so ugly.
Alexander’s and Chloe’s past relationship no longer bothered me. The fact that Chloe still worked for him and was psychotically in love with him bothered me to no avail. His decision to not let her go was causing my heart to rupture. I didn’t know if I would have acted any differently had Alexander told me that he had been with Chloe when we separated and then fired her from her job; but the fact that he continued a relationship with her made it intolerable.
Do I have the right to be angry when I took harbor in the arms of another man? Could I have continued to have a “friendship” with Michael after what had transpired between us? Alexander surely wouldn’t have allowed it! I didn’t have sex with Michael, but I did allow him to take my pride and humility as he tormented me mentally and emotionally.
I continued as I had the last twenty-four hours, asking myself innumerable questions, all ending with the silence of a non-answer.
One could say that I was punishing Alexander even after he chose to forgive me. But one can say anything when they are not drowning in the terrors of a situation. That is the main reason why I rarely ask for people’s opinions. It always seems that when others are in trouble, everyone’s a therapist. But when the “therapist” finds herself in a similar mess, the answer is always, Oh, you couldn’t possibly understand—what I’m going through is different. My suggestion to women is: you may not have the answer, and it may take time to find one, but the right answer always resides in your heart and not in the heart of another.
So, I followed my heart—my very hurt and broken heart—all the way home to New York.
The home I had left in New York held no consolation; for I had left far more behind in LA—Alexander!
My mother waited for me at my house and greeted me with a warm, cheerful welcome. But she knew within moments that her little girl was hurting.
“What is it? What has happened to you to make you look like someone has died?” she asked.
“I really don’t want to talk about it, Mamma. It’s been a trying few weeks, and I really just need to concentrate and prepare for my meeting tomorrow.” Revealing all that was inside would surely have spun me into a depressive state that I would not get out of easily, so I avoided it the best I could.
“Is it Alexander? My dear, you mustn’t run from love the minute it becomes difficult. The difficult moments in love are the ones that test your heart’s true motives and emotions,” she added.
“I didn’t run away from him. He lied to me. And I can’t think with my heart right now,” I explained in very broad way.
“So? He lied. Everyone lies; they are human beings—they make mistakes. Haven’t you made mistakes in your life? What if all the people who have been slighted by you ran away from you? God created forgiveness for a reason—because to err is human; to forgive, divine! Make sure to remember that, or you might lose something you will regret for the rest of your life, my dear. You won’t find true love around every corner. Had I chosen to leave your father the first time he lied to me or made a mistake, our relationship wouldn’t have made it passed our first date,” she chided.
“Please, Mamma, I can’t think straight. Marcus is counting on me to—”
My mother cut off my words. “Marcus may be counting on you for one day, but Alexander is counting on you for the rest of his life. Don’t be hasty and dismissive when contemplating forever. The clock moves forward; it doesn’t turn back.” She ended the conversation, leaving me with a world of thought.
My mother helped me unpack in silence and then left me to rest.
But rest didn’t come easily. So I worked. I dusted off my laptop and logged into my e-mails. I was overwhelmed to find thousands of unread and unanswered e-mails waiting for me. So I masked my sorrows and dove into the only comfort I had left.
By morning, I hadn’t slept and was ready to go to work by five o’clock. The dark of night had passed quickly with my work, leaving me no room to concentrate or ponder anything else. But even the strongest of minds must battle the heart; for there is no other organ or living breathing thing like the heart. It gives you life, and it can take it away. And in between living and dying, it gives you the most magnanimous of emotional sensations and the harshest of pains. And so I battled every time Alexander’s eyes appeared in my thoughts. And I battled every time I felt a tear creep into my eye; I battled the flame that sat in my chest that coveted nothing more than Alexander.
I met Marcus in the conference room of the office promptly at eight. The executives from Crystal Corners were waiting in the lobby while Marcus and I prepared for the meeting. There was so much riding on this deal that Marcus and I never paused to even mention LA or Alexander, and I was grateful for it.
“Come in, gentlemen,” Marcus said, greeting the executives.
“Miss Chase,” the CEO, Mr. Sanders, said as he took my hand to shake it. “I feel much better knowing that you have returned from your trip to work with us on renegotiations. There are few people that know the ins and outs of our company, and I couldn’t imagine doing this without you. It is a pleasure to have you here.”
I felt a tightening in my throat as I accepted the grand compliment of my life’s work. The fulfillment it gave me to hear that I was valued and had been specifically requested to handle a twenty million dollar account was as I remembered—utterly gratifying—but only to my mind and not my heart.
“Mr. Sanders, I am happy to be part of this. So allow me to begin by saying that I do think your desire to revisit the contract is admirable and understandable, but the claims that your finance department has projected are risky,” I began.
“You are correct, Miss Chase, and that is why we have come to you. Before our merger, we grew as a global corporation because we took risks and believed in our ideas. We have been very happy with the joining of our companies, but I think it’s time we went back to remembering what it felt like to succeed at something that makes us quiver. There is very little satisfaction in attaining and moving forward with something that has no future growth and is easy to deal with. We want to be exhilarated by what we produce and what we can offer the global market. If I played it safe, I wouldn’t have the company I have now. You look like a woman who can handle taking risks with poise. Do you not think it’s doable?”
I felt like the conversation was aimed at all the past months of my life. Here before me was this man who was comforted by laying his life’s work in the hands of a woman he believed to be fearless.
And there I was, scared to death of everything that surrounded my life to date. I had been playing it safe all my life, and though I grew in success, I faltered in life.
“Your words move me, Mr. Sanders. Marcus”—I looked straight forward as Marcus
sat on pins and needles, praying that this went well—“I reviewed the projects, and though I think there are a few adjustments to be made, I believe—with your blessing, of course—that I can launch a subsidiary group of investors in Europe to begin testing the prototypes for the devices. If Mr. Sanders will agree to renew the contract for the next ten years, we could have a pilot ready for testing within three months and a beta release for the global market within the year.”
“Mr. Sanders,” said Marcus, “I have learned to trust the instincts of this woman. If you will—as Miss Chase explained—sign on for the ten-year contract, then I will have no hesitations in agreeing to financially back what Miss Chase is proposing.” Marcus glanced at me admiringly.
Mr. Sanders stood and faced me. “I thank you for all you do here and for taking a chance on a crazy old man. This business is like a lover to me; I would take any risk for it, and I’m glad you will too.” He shook my hand as I stood to thank him. “It’s all settled then. Have the documents drafted and sent over to legal. I look forward to another long and successful venture with PHI and you especially, Miss Chase.”
Marcus escorted the group out, and I fell into the desk chair, completely exhausted. Have you ever felt the high of excitement and anxiety and then crashed from it when it was resolved? Well, that is where I found myself. The sleepless and malnourished existence that I lived for the past few days was finally catching up to me.
Reentering the room, Marcus threw his fists in the air victoriously. “You are a phenomenon. I don’t know what spell you cast over that man, but up till yesterday he was unwilling to budge or compromise. Thank you, Eva. I don’t know how this would have worked out if you had not returned.”
“You deserve it, Marcus. You have worked hard every day since you took over, and I owed it to you to be here,” I said with true sentiments but little emotion.
“Look, I don’t want to bring the black cloud back into the room, but I think you should talk things through with Alexander. Sometimes it is better to get away and concentrate on what you really feel and then approach a conversation. We tend to leap with our emotions, and at times we say things we don’t mean. Don’t give up on something that is obviously the missing piece in your life. I saw you two, and there was not a thing that wasn’t perfect in your observable emotions, love, and your life with him. He made a mistake,” Marcus urged me.
I swallowed, trying to dislodge my heart from my throat, but it wasn’t budging as I choked out my response. “I didn’t leap, Marcus. I walked away—slowly. I gave him what he asked, I loved him unconditionally, and he took advantage of that. He tried to make me into someone who I am not and will never be.”
“Eva, he didn’t take advantage of you; he took advantage of the control you willingly gave up to him. You allowed him to decide for you because you couldn’t make a decision. But you allowed it. He may have made the wrong decision, but he was looking out for your love and your life together—nothing else.”
Marcus’s statement rang truer than anything anyone had said to me in weeks.
I started this journey with all the power and control that my life was given. When I met Alexander, I hadn’t the slightest idea of how to adjust my life to fit what my heart required. And so I gave him control—of my heart and my life. Marcus was right; I had allowed him to control me, and he never stole or took my control away. But he had made a mistake and he had lied to me, and the contentions between us were because of that. I hadn’t minded in part acting like the little lady to my strong, protecting man. But I couldn’t handle being just that.
We had tried it my way, and we failed. We tried it Alexander’s way, and we failed. I didn’t know if there was a happy medium or if there was another way, but what if we tried again…and failed?
“I’m not telling you to forget everything,” Marcus started again, seeing my blank and broken expression. “I’m just telling you that sometimes the moment of impact is worse than when you stand back and look at the situation from an outside point of view. The two of you together are one whole. The two of you apart are hundreds of shattered pieces trying to make wrong things right.”
Was he right? What he was saying felt right. I did feel whole with Alexander. More whole than I had ever felt in my life. I had till now worked only on my career, and in the last month I had left my career and only concentrated on love. Why can’t I have them both? Why can’t I have it all?
The next few days at work were catch-up days. Samantha had in fact left her position as my PA, so I began interviewing new candidates; but no one came close to filling Samantha’s shoes. The rest of my hours served as clean-up time for all the projects I had left behind. My desk was a disaster, just like my life.
Marcus asked me to take the last few days of the week off to help Samantha finish the last-minute details before the wedding, and I was happy to oblige. I was truly happy for them, and I wouldn’t allow my mess of a life to interfere with all Samantha had worked so hard to hold on to and build upon.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
I had never realized how much there was to do before a wedding. Samantha and I spent the last few nights before her wedding, together at my house. Our reunion was that of a long lost love. Samantha let me drain my poisons as she listened in silence.
“You do realize you will see him at the wedding. Have you thought about what you are going to do or what you will say?” Samantha asked.
I shook my head, having pondered those exact questions and having found no answer to give myself or Samantha. “Don’t worry. I won’t do anything embarrassing. It’s your day, not mine and not Alexander’s. I haven’t done enough for you as a friend, so for the next few days I am at your beck and call.”
Samantha slid closer to me and embraced my shoulders. “I’m not concerned about you embarrassing me or yourself. I have seen you at your best, if you’ll recall. I think you should consider the situation and realize calmly that perhaps now that you are back in your home and your own world that you can call it even. Eva, one thing is for sure and that is that you two share a love that most people aren’t fortunate enough to experience in a lifetime—and you’ve found it. This love thing is scary and strange, but it is also enlightening and amazing. The first few weeks after I started planning the wedding, I felt useless and nonexistent. I had nothing to do but party plan, and I couldn’t find my self-worth—until the moments when I would rejoin Marcus. He fulfilled and quantified my existence. And so I learned to accept that, and there is nothing at this moment that I would change. But getting there is not easy or simple. It is, absolutely and without a doubt, worthwhile.”
“Sam, I feel like it was all a lie. Like I loved him, and he created a mirage of a life just to make sure I wouldn’t leave,” I said, grappling onto her arm for support.
“Eva, can you tell me something? Did you tell Alexander you loved him?” Samantha raised her eyebrows with an inclination to what the answer would be.
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, confused.
“I know you are new at this love thing and sharing your feelings and all, but if you don’t tell a man that you love him, then how is he to know that you do? Alexander has been so afraid of losing you because you have never given him the satisfaction of knowing that you do love him and that he didn’t have to keep you because you would be with him willingly.” Samantha’s conviction jolted me.
I recalled the many times he had pronounced his love to me, followed by the deafening voice inside my head that feared repeating the I love you that Alexander longed to hear.
“He can’t take back his mistakes even though he is sorry for them. But he can make it right. Let him make it right for you, Eva, because your life is incomplete if your heart is shattered,” she continued.
I listened tearfully and carefully to the ranting of a woman who had embraced love with all of herself.
I once thought that I was the stronger woman of the two of us; but Samantha had shown a strength that I had yet to learn. She
dove into the unknown emotions and chaos that love brings with it and swam her way back up for air with Marcus gripping her heart. She hadn’t feared love as I did, and I envied her courage.
The realization becoming clearer now to me was that work was easy. You go to school to learn. You work and gain experience, and even the things you don’t know today you will learn in time.
Love, on the other hand, isn’t that clear and straightforward. There are no classes to train you on how to love or how to handle love. There are no step-by-step textbooks that take you through the phases of love or that can prepare you for all that you may encounter. Love is a journey that you walk into blindly, carrying only the trust and emotions for the man beside you.
The morning of Samantha and Marcus’s wedding came with sunny blue skies and birds chirping outside the window. Samantha had asked me to spend her last single night with her at her parent’s home. And so I did. We got little sleep as we reminisced about every crazy and hilarious moment we had spent together since the first day we met; taking extra time to laugh through all the countless stupid things we had done. Samantha had grown over the last several months, and I had been too busy destroying myself to notice. But those few moments spent living in our joyful past were a sweet change from all that had been recently lacking.
She stood tall and poised, glowing from head to toe. She was a newfound woman filled with love and a lifetime ahead of her.
And so I stared at her through the full-length mirror as she slipped on her diamond-white wedding gown glistening with Swarovski crystals.
“Samantha,” I managed to get out, “you like a princess.”
“Do you really think so? Can you help me get this on?” she asked, flushed and physically nervous.
