by Edward Hogan
“It won’t do any good,” she said.
I stopped talking. The knowledge was filling my mind. The wound in his neck. The fact that I couldn’t see him on Evans’s security DVD. I knew what she was going to say.
“He’s dead,” she said.
“But. In the newspaper. Witnesses said they saw you together. He bought you a drink. The barman must have seen him.”
“He was alive then.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I killed him.”
I was reeling from the heat of the steam, but the air in my lungs felt cool and sharp. “What happened?” I said.
“He thought I was gone. He was just lying there on top of me. I’d picked up the screwdriver from the car and put it in my pocket, but I hadn’t been able to reach it while he was attacking me.”
“Why?”
“He had a knife to my throat. But he thought I was dead. He relaxed. I could feel the blood coming up into my mouth, and I knew I hadn’t got long. I grabbed the screwdriver and jammed it into his neck.”
In the gaps between the clouds of steam that rolled out of the vent in the floor, I stared at her and realized that the new dark blood on her cheeks didn’t belong to her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said.
“Tell you what? That I’m a murderer?”
“Lexi, you’re not a . . .” Even in the clouded room, I could feel that she’d turned away, that she was ashamed. “Can’t you stop yourself from killing him?” I asked.
“No. I’ve told you. I’m just watching it all happen,” she said. “I’m feeling it and watching it, but I can’t do anything. I’m witnessing my sin. I deserve this.”
“No,” I said. “That’s not true.” I said those words she had once said to me. “Lexi, it wasn’t your fault.”
She didn’t reply. Through the vapor, I could see that the scars on her legs were like pink icicles; deep grazes sparkled with tiny red grains, and I saw a new slash drawn across her arm like a jet stream. Pine needles fell from her hair. She put her head back against the tiles and sighed.
“Isn’t it possible that we could just stay awake? If we stay awake, then he can’t take you,” I said.
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“But we could try.”
“Do me a favor, young man,” she said.
“Yes,” I said.
“Remember this week,” she said.
“How could I ever forget it?” I said.
“Just keep playing it in your head. Remember the things we’ve said and done. It’s the only way I can exist in the real world. Remember this week and play it on a loop.”
“I will,” I said. “I promise.”
She extended her fist toward me, and I touched it with mine, felt the knuckles slip into the grooves again.
In the heat, I could feel the badness sweating out of my body and turning to vapor. I felt pure and clean. I reached out to her through the steam, but my hand touched only the tiles. She was gone.
The next morning, I didn’t want to know. I lay in bed for hours, awake. I could hear Dad in the kitchen, doing the deep breathing that meant he had a hangover. Gavin came in and wound him up about Tash. Dad laughed and made coffee, and then they went out.
It was noon before I could bring myself to open the Aztec-patterned curtains and look out on a world without Lexi. The day was dry and crisp, a dusting of frost on the cabins, but only in the shade. Where was she now? Where did she go?
I thought about school. I was due to return next week. After their holidays, I often heard my classmates talking about holiday romances. Most of them were liars: lads with self-inflicted love bites on their shoulders, telling tall tales about having wild sex with women in their thirties who seemed to share a lot of physical characteristics with our geography teacher. The ones who had really been in love on holiday didn’t talk about it much. They just came back acting differently. After her family trip to Newquay, Ellie Marsh returned with a double‑pierced ear; she’d started wearing Vans and had bleached her hair with lemon juice. With Jack Sansom, it was brogues and the New York Dolls.
What would I have? I didn’t know what music Lexi liked, and most of her clothes she had stolen from the women’s changing rooms. And she was dead, for God’s sake. Chances were, I’d be going back to school even weirder than I was before I left. I thought of the red glint of her front door. I still had so many questions.
In the kitchen, the wine bottles had been thrown away and the glasses cleaned. The bedsheets were in the washing machine. Tash’s makeup compact was on the countertop; some of the powder — the color of her skin — was dashed on the Formica.
I put my hand behind the tiny green buds that just a week ago had been ripe tomatoes.
My swim trunks were still wet, but I put them in my rucksack anyway. Maybe if I swam, if I found the old rhythm, the visions would come. I might see her, and in my visions she might tell me where she woke. I doubted it, but there was nothing else to do.
I went outside, where I could hear Tash and Chrissy arguing through the open window of their cabin.
“How could you?” Chrissy said.
“Very easily, after two bottles of wine,” Tash said.
“He’s so vulnerable, Tash.”
“I wish you’d stop going on about that boy. He’s just a teenager. He’ll be fine.”
“I wasn’t talking about the boy. The boy is perfectly strong. I was talking about his father.”
Well, I thought, that’s a little victory. The sisters began arguing about breakfast. Tash wanted a bacon sandwich, but there was only pumpernickel bread. They could have been arguing about a world war and I would have thought it was pointless. I cared only about Lexi.
I rode over to the Dome, but I felt the strength draining out of me as soon as I got there. The memories of the previous night dragged me down. My head was in a bad way.
The wave machine was on when I got to the pool, and it was full of little kids. I didn’t care. I waded on in through the rubber rings and the inflatable dinosaurs, and the kickboards and buoys. When I tried to swim, the chlorine stung my eyes. When I closed them, the man’s face emerged in my mind. I couldn’t find a rhythm; I could barely stay afloat. I sucked in breaths at the surface, which was covered in a scum of spit and kid pee.
“Hey, Dan!”
It was Ryan, by the side of the pool. I swam slowly over to him. He crouched down and looked around him. “How did it go?” he asked.
“It’s not a night I’ll forget in a hurry,” I said.
“Nice one. Hey, are you coming to Turn Back Time tonight? Me and the fellas are going as Teen Wolves. We’re going to Fancy Stan’s party store this afternoon to pick up the costumes. Keeping it eighties. A whole extra hour to party!”
“I don’t know if I’ll make it. I feel a bit strange, to be honest,” I said. I planned to scour the forest for Lexi, although I knew it was hopeless.
“You’re not going to disappear again, are you?” Ryan said.
“No,” I said.
“Hey, listen, man. I wanted to give you the heads-up about something,” Ryan said. He lowered his voice and looked around again. “Do you know the guy Evans, from welfare services?”
“Yeah. Last time I saw him, my dad was dragging his arse out into the forest,” I said.
Ryan laughed. “I’d have paid good money to see that. Anyway, he’s been in here, asking questions about you.”
“What kind of questions?”
“If we’ve seen you, who you were with, what you were doing. Asking if we’ve spotted you acting strangely or aggressively.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I hadn’t seen you. Which is nearly true, seeing as how you vanished into thin air last time.”
I glanced across the pool. There seemed to be a greater security presence than usual. “I’d better make myself scarce,” I said.
Ryan bent down. “They said you smashed up a security camera,” he said.
“Good for you, man. Fight for civil liberties. Hopefully see you tonight.”
“Thanks, Ryan,” I said.
I swam to the shallow end and stepped out of the pool. One of the security men lifted the lapel of his jacket and spoke into it as I walked to the changing rooms. I got dressed quickly and made my way through the reception area and out past the coconut tree. As I unlocked my bike, I heard a familiar noise, getting louder. There were so few cars at Leisure World, it took me a while to recognize the sound of a Ford Focus revved to the max in second gear. Dad. The car flew past, his pale face turned toward the entrance of the Dome. I heard him slam on the brakes. A second later, he reversed and buzzed down the window.
“Daniel! Get in! Leave that bike there. Come on, chop-chop,” he said.
People were staring at him, frowning and chattering.
“What’s going on?” I said.
“There’s no time, lad. Get in and I’ll tell you.”
I looked behind me, and through the doors to the Dome, I could see a security guard approaching. I jogged over to the car and got in.
Dad put his foot down. “Are you even sober enough to drive?” I asked.
“Never mind about that. I’m doing my best for us.”
“What happened?”
“That tosser from the Community of Child Welfare Dickheads came round to the cabin.”
“Evans?”
“That’s the one. He comes in with another of his DVDs, and lo and behold, it’s you, chucking rocks at a camera.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll pay for it out of my pocket money,” I said.
“That’s not the problem,” Dad said as we overtook a family of cyclists. “He’s got some official order for you to be placed in a secure unit on site until the police and social services arrive.”
“What?” I said.
“He reckons he’s got enough evidence to get you temporarily taken away.”
“What did you say?”
“Probably best if I don’t repeat that, all things considered.”
“Jesus,” I said. “This place.”
I looked at the cabins falling away as we drove out beyond the residential section and into the forest. “Dad?” I said.
“Aye.”
“The cabin is back there.”
“I know.”
“So where are we going?”
“We’re off, Daniel. The bags are in the trunk. We can’t be hanging around here. We need to get home so I can speak to a lawyer.”
“We’re leaving Leisure World?”
“Good riddance to the place,” he said.
I looked at him. He wore that expression of determination he sometimes had when he was fixed on doing something stupid. I felt my stomach knotting. Maybe I couldn’t do anything about Lexi, maybe I’d seen her for the last time, but I wasn’t ready to leave. I couldn’t quit now.
“Look,” Dad said. “It was mistake to bring you here in the first place. I admit it. The place is a hellhole, and I can see you’ve had a terrible time.”
I didn’t know what to say. We were coming toward the exit gates, and there were security guards everywhere. One of the guards looked down at a notebook and then back at the car.
“Get your head down,” Dad said.
I did. He put his coat over my head and slowed the car down to five miles an hour, trying to avoid suspicion. But I knew the security guards were on to us. In the footwell, there was a map of Leisure World that must have been in here since we arrived. My spirits rose as I saw an area called “Pine Forest.” The odds were long, but it was better than nothing. I looked up from behind the coat at the tops of the trees going by, the shady green light they made. I wasn’t ready to leave. I put the map in my pocket and pushed open the door.
“Daniel!” Dad called. He made a grab for me, but I was too quick for him. I rolled out onto the tarmac and watched the car stop a few meters up the road. I got to my feet and bolted into the woods. I could hear Dad shouting as he scrambled out of the car, and the boots of the security guards as they joined the chase.
I knew I couldn’t outrun the security guards. I couldn’t even outrun Dad. But I also knew there were places they wouldn’t be able — or willing — to follow. So I took the nastiest route, slashing my way through brambles and thorns. After ten minutes, I found a steep dip in the land and crouched down behind the ridge. I couldn’t hear anyone following me. I’d lost them. I waited a moment and regained my breath before looking at the map again. “Pine Forest,” it read. Maybe it was a big area, but at least all the pine was in one place. This narrowed it down significantly. I unfolded the map to its full size to see where the pine forest was. My heart sank. There were six other areas labeled “Pine Forest.”
I kept moving, although my mood was low. I had to stay out of the reach of Dad and the authorities, and it seemed that I was getting farther and farther away from Lexi, even though I didn’t have a clue where she was.
I stayed in the woods until nightfall. Every time I even approached one of the official paths, I saw Leisure World staff or security. My first step, if I was to have any chance of finding the place where Lexi woke up, was to stay free. The problem was that I didn’t have a second step.
Darkness fell early in the forest. Soon I couldn’t see ten meters. I sat down and rested. I was fitter than I’d ever been, but the exertion of the chase had still taken its toll. The spaces between the trees began to take on shapes. I was seeing things. At one point, I saw the burnt shapes of my mother and Dr. Greggs, embracing. I started to think of where this hellish route had started. It looked like I was wrong: even if you had your time again, you couldn’t change anything.
Two thuds and a metallic squeal ripped through the forest. “Two. Two. One, two, one, two,” said a giant voice. Then the music began to play. They were making the final preparations for the Turn Back Time festival. I thought of Ryan and his friends in their wolf costumes and basketball jerseys. I had my second step.
Fancy Stan’s party store was understandably packed. Stan himself was dressed as a hippie, and he’d extended the store’s hours because of the rush. Waiting in line, I couldn’t help but look around for security guards. It seemed safe, but I made sure I tried on as many face masks as I could while I waited. I was everyone from Ronald McDonald to Margaret Thatcher.
Considering the hectic nature of his shop, Fancy Stan seemed very laid-back. Perhaps he was taking his role as a hippie seriously. He looked down at me through his round purple spectacles. “What’s your name, kid?” he said.
“Daniel.”
“Good name, good name. Fancy Dan, I’m Fancy Stan. Good evening.”
“Hi,” I said.
Stan took a deep breath and waved his arms in the air. “Now, I’m going to read your mind. You’re going to the festival, and you want a costume. Something from the seventies, eighties, or perhaps even the nineties.”
“Yes, please,” I said.
“I’m basically a clairvoyant,” Fancy Stan said with a grin. “I’ll be honest with you, kid. We’re down to the dregs. All the cool seventies gear is gone, and we’re out of Maradona wigs.”
“I need something with a face mask,” I said.
“Well, I wasn’t going to say anything,” Fancy Stan said. “But that’s not a bad idea.”
“What?” I said.
“Nothing. Nothing.” He looked behind the counter and picked up a tired old cardboard box. “I don’t know what we’ve got for someone of your . . . um . . . size. Ah, yes! This might do it.”
He pulled out a Darth Vader helmet with a cloak. “That’s perfect,” I said.
“We haven’t got the rest of the costume. We loaned it out to a stag party, and the bloke threw up on it. It’s at the dry cleaner’s.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said.
I pulled on the helmet and looked through the eyeholes at the mirror. I was wearing a blue hoodie and jeans. It looked fairly strange, but I was totally un
recognizable. Fancy Stan stood behind me.
“It’s a wonder the Empire was ever defeated,” he said. “Do you want a bag for that?”
“No,” I said through the mask. “I’ll keep it on.”
The festival was crazy. For a company apparently so concerned with child welfare, it was surprising to see such a big bonfire in the same clearing as a sound stage. The fire cast a mad heat over the revelers. A tribute band called Guns N’ Posers was playing on the stage, and the crowd was massive and garish. Big muscular men were done up as Baywatch babes, and every third person seemed to be dressed as Michael Jackson. Above the stage stood a gigantic clock. I was shocked to see its hands already pointing to twelve. A big cheer went up as midnight struck, and a guy in a Chewbacca costume walloped me on the back and laughed.
I was looking for Ryan. He knew Leisure World inside out, and I thought he might be able to tell me which of the pine forests were approachable by car, and if there was some kind of back entrance for vehicles. I figured that five guys dressed as basketball-playing wolves would be easy to find, but it was a strange kind of party.
As I made my way through the crowd, I noticed a group of security guards wading in. On the edges of the throng, I saw Evans directing the operation on his walkie-talkie. Dad was nowhere to be seen, and a part of me was disappointed. I wondered if he was looking for me somewhere else.
I tried to move away from the guards, but the crowd seemed to be closing in around me. It was so hot inside the helmet, I was finding it difficult to breathe. The guards stopped a boy about a meter in front of me. He was dressed as a Scouser, with a curly black wig, but he was wearing a blue hoodie to keep warm. It was just like mine.
“Take the wig off,” the head security guard said.
“Why?” the Scouser said. “I haven’t done anything.”
The security guard slapped the Scouser across the head and ripped off the wig. The boy fell to the ground.
“It’s not him,” the guard said, and the posse moved closer to where I stood. I realized they’d been told to look for a boy in a blue hoodie, so I unzipped mine and let it slide off my arms to the ground. The guards were so close, I could smell their sweat and aftershave.
