by Paloma Meir
“People like him… How he behaves and who is, are two different people.”
“I can see you’re not ready to let this go… Tell me though, is your marriage okay? Does your husband know? You two seemed very happy together the few times Cassandra and I spent time with both of you.”
“It hasn’t ended if that’s what you mean.”
“Do you want it to end?”
“No… In a perfect world I would want… I don’t know what I would want in the perfect world.” She sat up high in the chair, a feeling of lucidity flowing over her, “Nick has to go… He has his young life to live. I do need to know that he’ll be all right. Can you do this?”
“No. Put the money for him aside for now. Come back in six months, if it’s still something you want to do it, I’ll setup a lifetime of surveillance for him."
“I don’t want to set up a lifetime of surveillance for him,” Laughter rolled through her body, rocking her until tears fell from her eyes. Serge looked on with his usual amusement, finally succumbing to her fit and joining her in the laughter.
“Thank you… I haven’t felt this light in days.” She managed to say. “His stepfather is in Maine, maybe I can…”
“Maybe you can what?”
“Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you. But is everything else in order?” She pointed towards her list that lay upon his desk.
“Yes, good job. You did make a difference. Good choices. Other than your very broken heart, I think you have everything you ever wanted. So buck up, Faye.” He smiled warmly to her, and went back to discussing the disbursement of her fortune.
Chapter Seventeen
Faye sat in her car in front of the restaurant. She was already ten minutes late for their lunch, but found she couldn’t move. The calm feeling that everything would be okay had left her the moment she walked out of Serge’s office. She forced herself out of the car and marched towards the restaurant.
Her body felt atremble as she walked into the café. He sat at their table, menu in front of him even though he had already memorized it. She was torn between wanting to throw her arms around and cry into his strong shoulders until the end of time or run the other way forever.
“Hey Faye, I’m going to try the pancetta scramble you’ve been going on about.” His bright smile blinded her, and she twisted her hands unable to sit down at the seat across from him.
“I love you,” She froze in place unable to move.
“Woah… Faye,” He held his hands up playfully but his face visibly paled, “I don’t do that—
“I know…” Her head felt light, and she placed her hand on the back of the chair to steady herself, “And I don’t want to be with you that way… And I can’t live with you here. It’s too hard, and it’s not good for either of us.”
A coldness filled his eyes as he stared at her, his mouth a tight line across his face.
“I don’t know where you feel you’re from. You’ve told me so many things,” She forced herself to smile to disrupt the flow of tears she worried would fall down her face, “You need to pick somewhere… I would feel better if you went to your step-father or friends but you have to leave either way.”
“I’ll move out of the apartment. I’ll go back to… doesn’t matter where. You don’t need to know about it.” He threw the menu on the table.
“There’s nothing for you here, only me.”
“I was fine before I met you.”
“I’m going to buy you a plane ticket,” A tear fell from eye and she looked down at her handbag to hide her emotional state from him, “First class… I won’t be cheap with you. Where do you want to go?”
“I’m not going anywhere. I like Los Angeles. It’s a big city. You won’t see me again.”
“Where do you want to go?” Her voice broke with every word.
“New York,” He said after a long silence, “I know a ton of girls in the city. They’ll take care of me.”
“No,” She felt her heart rip in her chest, deflating but she held herself steady, “I’ll give you money to start a new life on your own… You don’t have to—
“I don’t need your money,” He screeched his chair back and stood up, "I want to stay another couple days. I’m going to miss the beach life. Make the reservation for Friday. Email it to me.” He brushed past her, his shoulder against hers. It took all the energy of her entire spirit to not reach out and hold him. “And Faye… Thanks for everything. I mean it.” And he was gone.
She stumbled past the waitress and a group of tourists almost falling into them as she made her way to the bathroom. Her hands shook and a feeling of emptiness filled her chest. She felt everyday of her life as she closed the stall door and cried into her hands.
…
Faye staggered into her house in a heap of tears, falling to her knees in the entryway. A chill ran through her body and she hugged herself tightly. Closing her eyes, she fell asleep only to awaken after how long she didn’t know, to find the tears still flowing down her face.
“No,” she screamed out to her empty home, “I will not fall apart. Not good for Nick, myself or even Adam.” She abruptly stood up in a failed attempt to gain control over herself. The tears would not stop.
“Nick, Nick, Nick…” She muttered as she lowered herself into her office chair. “I’ll let you go, I don’t have a choice and really why would you want to spend anytime with someone who talks to themselves,” She laughed through her sobs.
“But first a few last bossy gestures… I really never understood why you thought I was bossy. I’m so pleasant, everyone likes me… although now that I’ve lost my mind…” She opened several browser windows and went to work.
She closed the computer a little over an hour later satisfied that she had done all she could do, “Serge was right, you’ll always be okay, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to try to make things a little better for you. I’ll miss you so much.” She fell asleep again before the waves of tears could fall.
…
“Faye, Faye,” She felt herself being embraced and for a fleeting moment she thought it was Nick, but it was Adam. She shook him off of her. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” She managed to say before the tears took over her being.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He tried to hold her again. She shook away.
“I told him goodbye. Please just let me be.” She threw herself down on the computer table and wept into her arms.
“No,” He forcefully picked her up out of the chair as she flailed, and carried her up the stairs to their bedroom.
…
Adam canceled his appointments the next day to stay home with his silent and tearful wife. He pretended she had the flu instead of a never ending heartache for someone who was not him. He made her soup and her favorite endive salad, sitting by her in the bed, rubbing her hands and feet, talking about his favorite memories of their daughters growing up.
Faye nodded along when she was able to compose herself, more at the absurdity and sweetness of Adam trying to pretend that everything way okay. There was nothing okay in Faye’s world and she did not know if she anything would ever be all right again. Her life felt unmoored, slipping away.
The day drifted into night without Faye even bothering to brush her teeth. Adam propped her up against him in the bed and turned on the television to an old episode of Meercat Manor, thinking his wife couldn’t handle much more. Faye was completely aware of why he had chosen that particular show and for the briefest of moments fully loved her husband again.
“You’re a good man Adam,” She nuzzled her head onto his chest and squeezed his hand.
“I could have been better, and I will be better Faye. It’s a new start in life, maybe all of this was for the best.” He pulled her closer, “I’ll cancel my appointments for tomorrow again, and we’ll go to Laguna, see our new home.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t show you the house before I bought it. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you…”
>
“I never did anything to deserve the trust. But again, we’ll have a fresh start. Anyway, homes and decoration are women’s work. Just give me a comfortable bed to lay beside you on and I’m fine forever more.”
“Forever more?” Faye laughed.
“I’m trying to romance you.”
“That’s very nice… but maybe next week. You go to work, I need to catch up on my own work.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone in this condition. I’ll take the week off. Dario can cover for me.”
“Again, thank you but no. I need some time alone.” She closed her eyes and fell asleep before he could protest.
…
The days drifted by and Faye forced herself out of bed and into the home office. She couldn’t bear the thought of going into work but knew she had been away too long. Instead, she video chatted with her assistant, catching up on the day-to-day business of running her handbag line.
Lists and lists were made over the video conference with her assistant. A sudden fervor for her bags to be in Bergdorfs and other high end boutiques proved to be a solid momentary distraction from thoughts of Nick and how much better the day would be if she were only wandering the city with him. Unfortunately for her confused assistant, the diversion did not last long enough.
Faye collapsed into tears several times, telling her that the crying jags were only sneezing fits. Her assistant knew she was being less than truthful but felt powerless to help her boss. The two were close but had never lapsed into a true friendship.
Adam would come home at night with his arms piled high with take-out from Faye’s favorite restaurants. He plated the food at her computer table because she wasn’t willing to leave her office. The computer screen was open to files and files of spreadsheets that calmed her turbulent mind.
He chattered memories of their life together, all the good times. It was as if he were a living scrapbook. Faye understood his motives and appreciated his efforts but couldn’t be bothered to respond.
“You don’t have to do this,” she said to him a few nights into their new routine.
“These were the best days of my life. Almost losing you and the promise of our future that I took for granted… It’s woken me up Faye. All these memories are starting point, the best is yet to be.”
“It’s certainly turned you into a budding poet…” She sighed heavily, “I’m sorry, that was unkind.”
“Your indifference is a challenge. I’m going to win you back.”
“I don’t think you ever lost me. I lost myself.” She took his hand in hers and squeezed it hard to hold back the tears.
All too soon it was Friday morning, the day Nick was to leave for good.
Chapter Eighteen
Her plan was for the car service to come to her house and pick up the airline ticket and short letter she had written to Nick before the driver going onto pick him up. The plan went out the window as the town car pulled in front of her home. She was sure she would die if she didn’t see Nick one last time.
Many unneeded apologies and a carefully folded hundred-dollar bill to the driver later, Faye was in her new car driving to Nick’s apartment. She was dressed casually in floral frock, her tangle of golden hair in a loose bun. She didn’t look her best but the blush of her impulsiveness enlivened her features giving her a swept away sexiness she was entirely unaware of in the heat of the moment.
She parked her car in the red, not caring if she got a ticket. Her stomach was filled with butterflies, and her heart pounded in her chest. She rang the buzzer.
“I’ll be down in a moment,” his voice buzzed through the intercom system.
“It’s me Nick. I sent the driver away.”
“Faye?” He paused for a very long time, “Come on up…”
The door beeped and Faye tentatively opened it. She wondered for a moment if she should turn away, go back home, cry into her pillow until the end of time. She ignored the fearful voice inside her head and purposely skipped the elevator and walked up the stairs.
“Hey Faye,” He said as he opened the door before she had a chance to knock. “Come on in. I can’t believe you’ve never been here before.”
“I did a walk through when I rented it, but that was before…” Her nervousness was suddenly replaced by the joy of being with him again.
“Before you met me?”
“Yes.”
“You look pretty today, Faye,” he reached out and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.
“Thank you.” They stood frozen in their steps, locked in each other’s eyes, silent as if shy.
Faye looked away, “Are you all packed up?”
“I had to go down to the Boardwalk and buy a few duffle bags… I’ve never had so many clothes before… all of our shopping. I’ll probably have to take up golfing. Why do I have so many pastel cardigans?” He laughed.
She closed her eyes to hold onto his trill forever, “We did go a little crazy in Palm Spring, didn’t we?”
“Best day, best time.”
“Really?” She nervously looked up at him. The intimacy of his stare was too much. She looked away again.
“Yes,” He replied in a tone of voice that had no place in their lives.
She stepped away from him, towards the army-issue bags on the floor. “We should get going. Let me help you with the bags.”
“I’ve got it Faye,” He bustled by her, bending down to pick up the overstuffed bags. His clean masculine scent filled the air. Faye closed her eyes, breathing deeply in.
“You okay?” He laughed and asked as she opened her eyes.
“Yes, let’s go.” She followed him out of the apartment, into the elevator and out onto the street.
“Where’s your car?” He put down the bags down and asked.
“Right in front of you.”
“A Maserati…” His smile couldn’t have been of wider, “I win.”
“You have one too,” She reached into her purse and pulled out the plane ticket, leaving the note in her bag. She wouldn’t be giving it to him. “I had it delivered to your step-father’s house in Maine.”
“Bossy until the very end,” He took the ticket from her hand and stared at it, “You’re giving me a happily ever after?”
“I wish I could.”
“What color is it?” He looked up at her with a smile.
“Black like your heart,” She said through a laugh of her own.
“You know me well. But you seem to have forgotten I travel light through life. I could just change the ticket at the counter, fly to New York, skip the car, go on my way.”
“You could, but why would you? Go in and say hello. I know he’s missed you.”
“Did you speak to him?” His warm eyes grew cold.
“No, I wouldn’t muck about in your life like that, though of course I would like too. The dealership delivery service explained that you would be there in a week’s time to pick it up. I do know he’s looking forward to seeing you, but that’s it. I couldn’t grill the car dealer any further.”
“You held back? You? I don’t believe it.”
“It’s true,” she shrugged and pressed the button on the keychain to pop open the trunk.
“The bracelet,” He reached out to her wrist and ran his finger across the thin platinum chain, “I thought you would have returned it.”
“No… I kept it. Let’s go.” She pulled her arm away from him and slammed the trunk shut.
“I’m hungry Faye. Do we have time to stop and get something to eat? I’m up for carb loading, a sky high pile of pastries would do me a world of good.” He said as he got into the car.
“I don’t think we have time,” The reality of him leaving, of her never seeing him again, not knowing what his future held was too much. She took a deep breath and turned on the radio. The Cars, Bye Bye Love blared through the speakers. She rolled her eyes at the absurdity of it all. “You can get something on the concourse after you go through security.”
“Okay,
” He sat back in his seat and stared out the window.
Nick’s easy charm faded as they trudged down the steps through the parking lot and into the airport. He was tense and spoke of worries about the weather and how he would get to his stepfather’s house. Faye assured him a car was would be waiting for him at the airport in Maine.
She had never seen even a trace of nervousness in him before and was too preoccupied with her own discomfort at the thought of never seeing him again to do much to comfort him. The porters scooped them away as they entered the first class line at the ticket counter, leading the two of them to the express security line. Faye’s panic filled her with a deafening numbness. She held herself firmly up, promising herself that she would not fall apart in front of his youthful eyes.
“This is it,” He dropped his carryon to his feet, and grabbed onto Faye, hugging her tight, “Are you going to be okay?"
“Yes, of course,” She hugged him back with an intensity she couldn’t hold back, running her cheek against his neck, kissing him lightly.
“Am I going to be okay?” He whispered as if pained.
“Do you want the truth?” She whispered back as her body melted into his.
“I don’t know, but give it to me anyway.”
“You’re going to be fine, but there will be points in your life where things get really hard. You’ll want to run away. Try not to do that.”
“I’m going to miss you.” He released her and stood with glistening eyes in front of her, vulnerable in a way that made her look away again.
“I’ll miss you too. You have to go now… Goodbye.” She opened her eyes wide, to hold back the threatening tears and walked away, up the stairs to the parking lot, taking deep controlled breaths. All she wanted was to make it to the car before falling completely apart.
She exhaled deeply as she reached the top of the staircase.
“Faye.”
She turned to see him standing behind the security rope, his arms open wide to hug her again, smiling wide. She looked to him, and smiled brightly, raised her hand to wave goodbye, and walked out to the parking lot. She did not look back.
