by Carter Ashby
“It’s not anything you said, it’s just something I’m sensing.”
“Do me a favor and don’t try to read my mind, okay? I’ll show you what I want you to see and you’ll just have to take my word for how I’m feeling. Okay?”
She swallowed hard, suddenly wanting to comfort him. That couldn’t be a good idea, though. If his feelings for her were running deeper than they should, the last thing he needed was her being nice to him. So she patted his cheek. “Okay. That kind of attitude wouldn’t fly in a real relationship, but for us, it’s fine.” She rolled off of him and settled against his side, feeling ready to doze off again.
She didn’t. Instead she trailed her fingers up and down his abdomen, occasionally stopping to trace a tattoo.
“Listen,” Jayce said after a long while. “I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend, okay? If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t mind that at all.”
She smiled. Somewhere in her woman brain, she catalogued the experience. She’d just won a small battle, after all. In the enduring effort of females everywhere to dig into the emotional databases of their male counterparts, this was quite a victory. “I appreciate you telling me that.”
He took in a deep breath and blew it out. “I don’t want you to blow that out of proportion and think I’m going to be heartbroken, or something. I’m not. I just like you and I’d like the chance to take care of you, that’s all. No big deal.”
“Of course.” She nuzzled against him, grateful for this little mystery being solved. She nearly dozed, thinking the conversation over.
“So?”
Her eyes flew open. “Hmm?”
“Would you be interested?”
Shit. She couldn’t look him in the eye for this. It was better the way they were, with her nestled in the crook of his arm. “That’s not a conversation I’m prepared to have.”
Silence. After a few minutes, Maya relaxed again, once more thinking it was over.
“I just think—“
Her eyes flew open again.
“—That if we liked each other enough to move in together, I could really help out with—“
This time Maya jolted upright. “Whoa, whoa. I just told you I’m not ready for this conversation. Not anywhere near ready.”
His expression was so sincere, she couldn’t be mad at him. She just wanted him to stop talking. Forever. “Well, could I at least tell you my thoughts on the subject?” he asked.
“No,” she said sharply. “Just no.”
His brow furrowed in thought. Maybe in hurt. “Are you…interested in me at all?”
Her jaw dropped. “I just fucked you senseless, Jayce. Isn’t that enough for you?”
He swallowed and then gave her one of those tight smiles that she knew was just another mask. “Of course it is. Sorry, Maya. Come back here and let me hold you.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head and crawling backward. She grabbed her night shirt and slipped it on. “No, you need to see something.” It still wasn’t bright enough, so she flipped on the lamp on her side of the bed.
Jayce sat up, leaning back against the pillows. Maya grabbed some things from her dresser, some papers. She dropped them onto the bed and then sat in front of Jayce. “See this?” she held off a print off of the score for her last practice HiSET test. “Look at the math score. Failing. I cannot advance in life until I get my high school equivalency. I can not pass that test until I get better at math and I’m terrified that I’m just too stupid to figure it out.”
“Maya, you’re not—”
“Look at this,” she said, holding up a note from Mattie’s teacher. “My son is a discipline problem. He’s been bullying a kid at school. Jayce, what do I do with that? How’s that supposed to make me feel? I love my son so much, but I’m scared shitless that he’s going to become his father.”
Jayce’s jaw muscles tensed.
“This,” she said, holding up some legal documents, “is for my court date in two weeks. I’m getting divorced in two weeks. Do you have any idea how much this is costing me in money and in emotional stress? Do you?”
He met her eyes.
“And these.” She held up Damon’s letters. “My husband is begging me to visit him in jail. Listen to this: Dear Maya, I think about you every moment of every day. I love you so much. I know I’ve done you wrong and I’m so sorry, baby. I’ve been angry and violent towards you and it was all my fault, not yours. You never did anything to deserve it. But I’m begging you for a second chance. Please come see me. Even if you don’t love me anymore, please let me say goodbye.” She choked back tears. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to read those words and want them to be true, but know that even if they are true, you can’t go back into a relationship where all trust is lost?”
Jayce swung his legs out of bed and sat on the edge, his back to her.
Maya breathed in and out until she’d calmed herself. “I just…I need you to know what my life is like right now. There’s no room in it for a boyfriend, there’s barely room in it for me. So please, please don’t come at me with conversations like that.”
The room was silent after that, except for the rustle of the papers as Maya gathered them together. She stood and replaced them on her dresser before climbing back into bed.
“Do you want me to go?” Jayce asked softly.
“No.”
She watched the muscles in his back as he straightened and twisted to face her. “Was this good? What we did last night…and this morning?”
“It was perfect.”
“Then if you want, we’ll just keep it like that.”
“If you think you can. If you think you can keep from getting too involved.”
He slid under the covers and lay on his side to face her. “Can I touch you?”
She smiled. “No more love slave. Touch me however you want.”
He did, brushing his knuckles down her cheek. She didn’t flinch. He cupped her jaw and kissed the corner of her mouth. His lips laid gentle kisses all over her face and neck and chest. His touch was the very opposite of uninvolved. It was possessive and needy. When he rolled her to her back and moved on top of her, it was with the kindness and gentleness of a lover rather than a casual partner. His thrusts came slow and deep and full of passion. When he came, he kept his face turned from her, but deep down, Maya knew what would be there.
She stroked his hair and neck. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t make a sound. But he clung to her like a man who’d found home after years of searching. It recalled to her mind images of soldiers kissing the dirt of their homelands, mothers reunited with their children, husbands with their wives.
She shouldn’t have believed him when he’d said that his feelings weren’t deep. Now here she was, the proud owner of a good man’s heart, and no idea what to do with it.
#
After making love in the soft, morning light, she fell asleep again and he lay there stroking her hair. For as long as he could remember he’d wanted her. She’d been his fantasy all through his teenage and adult years. He’d gotten close last Tuesday. He’d gotten close once before, too.
He’d danced with her as long as he could, afraid once the music stopped, this dream of having her in his arms would end. But eventually they’d grown tired and he’d asked, “Wanna go for a drive?”
He’d braced himself for rejection, but hadn’t been the least prepared for her quiet, “Yes.”
Now he drove her up a winding, country highway. He held her hand as they drove, only letting it go to park at the lookout at the top of the hill. The Mississippi river wound its muddy way southward with the city lights bouncing off its surface. “I love this view,” she said softly.
He studied her profile. “Come on.” He got out and leaned his seat forward to climb in the back. She did the same. He wasted no time getting his arms around her. She’d made him wait for this. Work for this. He wasn’t going to screw up his chance. He took her mouth with his, and when she responded in kind, he wanted to we
ep for joy. His teenage hands had no tact, no willpower. The roamed, groping and squeezing, pulling and tugging at her dress, finally baring a breast to his lips.
That was when she pushed him away. That was when he realized he’d pushed too hard and frightened her. He wasn’t mad at her, only himself. He took her home after she promised to call him. When he went home that night, he couldn’t sleep. He’d held and kissed and touched Maya Lansing. And he fully intended to do it all again at the next opportunity.
Monday came and went. Then Tuesday. He tried to catch sight of her in the halls, but their paths rarely crossed since she was only a sophomore. On Wednesday in the gym locker room, his hopes were ended.
“Dude, how old is your brother?” It was some guy talking to Kellen. Jayce barely registered it as he changed out of his football uniform.
“Twenty-four. Why?” Kellen answered.
“No reason. I just heard he was fucking Maya Lansing.”
“Hey, man, don’t talk about her like that,” Kellen said.
But Jayce’s gut was already cold.
“Why? You like her or something?” the guy asked.
“I respect her. Who she dates is none of your business.”
“Dates?” the guy laughed. “My cousin saw her coming out of his apartment Saturday morning in his t-shirt and boxers….”
Which was all Jayce heard because he was concentrating on not throwing up. She’d spent Friday night with Damon. She’d gone home after promising to call Jayce and then gone to another guy’s apartment.
Jayce showered, dressed, and headed to his car. Kellen caught up to him. “Hey, man, I didn’t want you to find out that way.”
Jayce turned to face his best friend. “Find out what?”
Kellen sighed. “I know you like her. It’s just not meant to be.”
“Who, Maya? She’s just a girl. Lots of girls around here. Don’t worry about it.”
“Jayce, come on—“
“You should worry about your brother. He’s the one committing a felony.” Jayce got in his car and drove.
Nearly nine years later he could still feel that sting. He wanted to ask her why she’d done it. Why she’d chosen Damon over him. But if he asked that, she’d know how deep his feelings for her ran, and then she might not let him make love to her again.
He kissed her and tucked her small body into his before falling asleep. When he awoke next, morning had bloomed full bright. But it wasn’t the shafts of sunlight that first roused him to consciousness. No, it was the smell of bacon. He nuzzled up against Maya’s back and kissed her shoulder. “Are you cooking breakfast?” he asked.
“No,” she whispered. “Are you?”
He chuckled. “How can I be? I’m lying here with you.”
A moment later she jolted upright. “Shit.” She scrambled out of bed and wrapped her robe around her before slipping out the door.
Jayce went back to sleep. He figured Zoey and Kellen must have come back home, though he couldn’t think of any reason for it.
He was awakened by a small hand on his bare shoulder. “Mister Jayce?”
His eyes flew open. Sophie was standing next to the bed with her wide eyes staring at him. She had a stethoscope around her neck.
“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “But you’re very, very sick. I’m afraid you have to have a shot.” She pulled out a little, plastic tube, pressed it to his arm, and squeezed the plunger. She exhaled. “Okay. Here’s your bandaid.” She rubbed her thumb over the injection site. Then she reached into a bag she’d sat on the bed. She pulled out an empty, plastic bottle and handed it to him. “You’ll have to take two of these every day with your chocolate milk. Otherwise you’ll get sick some more.” She paused, stroked his hair with a look of sympathy in her eyes, and left.
As soon as she was gone, he jumped out of bed and put on his boxers. That was all he had. Shit, that was all he had! His bag, shirt, and jeans were all in the living room.
The doorknob started to turn again. Jayce frantically looked around and was considering jumping out the window when in walked….
“Addy?”
She slipped in, closed the door, and threw his bag and clothes at him. He caught them and immediately rummaged for his jeans and a fresh shirt. “What are you doing here?” he asked while he dressed.
“I was in town. Thought I’d drop by and visit with Zoey and Maya. But as soon as I got in the door, Maya shoved your crap at me and told me to bring it to you. What’s going on?”
“No idea. Are her in-laws out there?”
“Yup.”
“Shit. And the little one, Sophie, came in. So she knows I was here.” He was dressed now. “Does Maya want me to sneak out the window?”
“No, I think it’s too late. Your truck’s out front. This is Kellen’s parents we’re talking about. They know you and, if I recall, they don’t like you very much.”
“Okay, well fuck them. I’m worried about Matthew. He already doesn’t like me. Any way we can keep this from him?”
Addy sighed. “I’m not sure. Let me go check.” She disappeared for a minute. He listened, but though he could hear voices, he couldn’t make out what was being said. She was back a moment later, not bothering to be subtle, now. She left the door open and shook her head. “It’s too late.”
He shoved his hand through his hair. The last thing he wanted to do was alienate those kids. Dr. Sophie came in, again, slipping past Addy. She wrapped a pretend blood pressure cuff around his wrist and squeezed the little pump. She unwrapped it, sighed heavily, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Mister Jayce, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to send you in for more tests. It’s not looking good.”
He dropped to one knee in front of her, took her chin in his hand, and said, “What the hell do you watch on TV?”
She grinned. He stood and picked her up, sitting her on his hip. “I’ve got my human shield,” he said to Addy. “Guess I may as well face the music.”
Sophie wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her sweet head on his shoulder.
In the kitchen he found Bryan Bradley, Kellen’s dad, Maya’s father-in-law, flipping pancakes. Bryan glanced up at him. “Maya’s been working hard,” he said. “We thought we’d surprise her with breakfast. Mattie’s in his room. Pretty upset.”
“We were gonna keep this quiet,” Jayce said.
From the living room, he heard Lois Bradley’s dramatic sobs. Poor Maya.
“Yeah, well, that didn’t work out too well, did it?”
Jayce sighed. “I know you and Mrs. Bradley never thought much of me, but I’ve got nothing but Maya’s best interests at heart, here.”
Bryan snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Jayce felt sick. To be disliked by Bryan Bradley, one of the nicest guys in town, was a pretty bad disgrace. He lowered Sophie to her feet and made his way to Maya. She was sitting on the sofa next to Lois, trying to console her.
“I just don’t know how you could exchange Damon for him. I mean, what’s the difference?” Lois sobbed into her hands.
Maya looked up at him, misery in her eyes.
“Should I go?” he asked.
Maya shrugged, as though it didn’t really matter. He reached down and stroked her hair.
Just then, Zoey stormed in with Kellen a few, calm paces behind her. He caught Jayce’s eye and gave him a sympathetic look.
Zoey shoved past him and sat next to Maya. “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to be alone with Jayce? We would have watched the kids for you!”
“Wouldn’t have had as much fun if we had,” Kellen muttered.
Maya sighed. “We weren’t planning on going public. It was just for fun. Right Jayce?”
His chest squeezed, and not in a good way. “Yeah,” he said. “Just fun.”
“Well that’s just like you, isn’t it?” shouted Lois. “Everything’s just fun and games. You nearly get Kellen killed riding dirt bikes, but you were just having fun! Drugs in college…just fun! You’re a hor
rible human being, Jayce Gilmore! Just as bad as your father.”
“Mom, stop,” Kellen said.
At the same time, Maya said, “That’s enough. Jesus, Lois, you know what bullies look like. You raised one, didn’t you? Then you ought to know Jayce isn’t one. Now I’m sorry you had to find out the hard way that your grandkids don’t have a saintly mother, but don’t go taking it out on him.”
Lois sobbed harder. Sophie wedged against her at the end of the sofa and stroked her back. “It’s okay, Grammy.”
Lois brought her into her arms.
Jayce shook his head and backed away. He did not belong here. Too much family. Too many upset people. He turned to head back to the bedroom. He was going to grab his bag and get the hell out. But as soon as he turned down the hallway, he came face-to-face with Matthew. He knew instantly there was nothing he could say to someone who hated him so absolutely.
“Matthew, I—“
“If you don’t stay away from my mom I’ll run away. I’ll run away and she’ll be so sad and it’ll be all your fault!”
Jayce shook his head slowly. “I didn’t mean for you to find out this way.”
“You’re a bad guy, just like Dad. You’re a bad guy and I don’t want you anywhere near us!” The boy was all but screaming.
“I’d never hurt you or your mom—“
“I hate you! I fucking hate you!” He charged at Jayce and began pounding his fists on Jayce’s abdomen. “I hate you! I hope you die!”
Jayce caught his arms and pinned them at his sides, but the kid was long gone. He was screaming obscenities and thrashing about. “Matthew!” Jayce said, trying to get the kid’s attention. “Mattie, come on!”
Kellen arrived, then. He scooped Matthew into his arms, took him in his room, and kicked the door shut behind them. Jayce sank to the floor, sat with his back to the wall, and stared helplessly at the closed door in front of him.
Maya appeared, kneeling next to him. “If you want to go—“
“I have to go. I’m sorry for fucking with your life like this.”
“Oh, they’ll get over it.”
“I mean Matthew.”
“What Matthew’s going through has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault, okay?”
