“Lloyd, you’ve more than made up for all of that.”
“I’ll never make up for it.”
“Jake, don’t let go,” Randy whispered again.
“I’m right here,” he answered, wondering how many times he would have to keep reassuring her he wasn’t going anywhere. He managed to reach inside his pocket to take out another peppermint stick. He traced it over her lips.
“Is it…morning?” she asked. “We usually only have…peppermint…in the morning.”
Her mind was wandering to better things. Jake smiled through tears. “Not this time, mi vida. But we’ll share some more of this soon…just you and me…in the morning.” He leaned close and took the other end in his mouth, working his way to her lips again. “And I’ll take it all back.” He felt a tiny response in the way her lips touched his.
“Don’t let go,” she said yet again.
“I’m right here.”
“I still have…your ring. See?” Randy held out her left hand to show him the wedding ring he’d bought her in Denver.
Her hand was bruised. Jake tried not to let it drive him crazy. “It’s beautiful, baby.”
Randy opened her eyes a moment, touching his lips. “You’re…all bruised. Jake, you’re all purple here.” She gently touched his jaw. “What happened?”
“Midnight reared up and caught me under the jaw.”
“The fire…” She curled against him again. “The fire! Jake…I screamed for you…”
“I couldn’t hear you. I’m so goddamn sorry.”
“The boys! They hurt the boys. They fought…so hard to…stop them!”
“I know. They’re becoming men, Randy. They came with us, and they helped us. They were so scared for you.”
“They’re…here?”
“They are. They wanted to help because they felt bad they couldn’t stop those men.”
“They shouldn’t, Jake. They tried so hard. Tell me they’re all right.”
“They’re bruised up, but they’ll be fine. They’re brave young men.”
“They have…your blood. Little Jake…I see you…in his eyes.” She curled against him yet again. “Don’t let go!”
“I’m right here. I’m not letting go.”
Lloyd brought over some bacon. “I left the fat soft. She’ll get more fat in her than if I fry it off till it’s crispy.” He knelt beside them. “Mom, eat this.”
“I…can’t. Lloyd, don’t look at me.”
“I’ll damn well look at you! All I see is my beautiful mother, and she needs to eat something and drink some more water and take some laudanum. You’re going to do all three.”
“I don’t want…Jake…to let go of me.”
“He won’t. Now eat this bacon.”
She took a piece with a shaking hand. Lloyd noticed her hand and wrist were purple. He silently groaned at her bruised and swollen lips.
“You look like…a young Jake,” she told him, “like he looked when he…found me at that trading post. Is that…where we are?”
Lloyd looked at Jake, both of them realizing her mind kept wandering from present to past. “Yeah, that’s where we are,” Lloyd told her. His hair had come loose, and he tossed it behind his shoulders.
“Jake, you should…cut that hair. You look…like an Indian.”
Lloyd turned away, his heart breaking. “Eat all five pieces of that bacon.” He set the tin plate of bacon on the table and walked over to pick up the canteen Randy had thrown to the floor. Jake kept handing her the bacon until she ate it all. Lloyd brought the canteen to Jake, and Jake urged Randy to drink more water.
“Mom? Do you know who I am?” Lloyd touched her hair.
Randy studied him a moment. “Lloyd?”
“A minute ago you thought I was Jake.”
She rested her head on Jake’s shoulder again. “This is Jake. He’s holding me. He won’t let go.”
“No, he won’t let go.”
“I’m safe here.”
“You bet you are.” Lloyd grinned through tears. He and Jake finally got some laudanum down her, and Jake held her as she began to drift off.
“Don’t let go,” she said once again, the words slurred.
“I’m right here,” Jake told her. He pulled her close and quietly wept.
Lloyd fixed hot, soapy water. He was worried about Jake, afraid he’d slip into that much darker place from which it seemed at times there was no return. Jake removed the soiled blanket and tossed it aside. Lloyd looked away as Jake sponged her off the best he could, repeating how small she was, how in thirty years he’d never once laid a hand on her wrongly, how you had to be careful with an older woman because she bruised more easily, how beautiful her hair still was, with not even any gray in it yet.
Lloyd handed him a clean blanket he’d brought in from their supplies, and Jake wrapped it around Randy. “They say blonds don’t show the gray as soon as brunettes,” Lloyd told him, fighting to keep a conversation going that would keep Jake in the present. “Katie’s been finding a few gray hairs lately, and she acts like it’s the end of the world.”
“Katie is beautiful,” Jake answered, pouring a cup full of soapy water through Randy’s hair. He still held her on his lap, her head in the crook of his arm. The water ran through her hair and back into the pan of soapy water.
“Yeah, well, you know how women are always looking for their flaws,” Lloyd tried to joke. “Katie thinks she’ll end up stout like her mother.”
“Nothing wrong with that.” Jake poured soapy water through Randy’s hair again, and Lloyd helped towel it off. “Clare Donavan is a wonderful woman with a beautiful spirit,” Jake added.
“I agree.” Lloyd figured it was best to keep a conversation going. “I want about six more kids, so Katie probably will end up ‘robust,’ as she puts it. That doesn’t matter to me. It’s like you told me once—the bigger the woman, the more to love.”
Jake grinned. “Katie just doesn’t want to lose her Greek god.”
Lloyd took heart in his smile, but he knew things were boiling inside his father. He returned the smile. “I think I’ll punch the next man who calls me a Greek god.”
Jake sobered. The smile was quickly gone, and his eyes teared. He pulled Randy closer, and she whimpered his name. “Little as this woman right here is, she owns me, Lloyd. She’s got me roped, thrown, tethered, and branded. And now I’ve maybe lost her.”
“That will never happen, Pa. Love can survive anything, and I never knew two people who loved each other more than you two.”
“Jake,” Randy whispered, curling closer again.
“Que Dios te acompane, mi amor.”
“Don’t let go.”
“I’m right here.”
Randy drifted off again.
“Get her clothes from that bag you brought in and help me dress her,” Jake told Lloyd. “She’ll feel better if she’s dressed when she wakes up.”
Lloyd pulled out a simple blue cotton dress and underclothes.
“Just the dress. I’m worried she could have a couple of cracked ribs. I’m not going to cinch a damn camisole around her. Just the dress and one slip.”
Lloyd took a clean towel from the satchel and toweled Randy’s hair to dry it more. “Hang on to her, and I’ll get the dress on her.”
“Shit.”
“It’s okay.”
Jake held her limp body straighter, and Lloyd quickly pulled the dress over her head. They worked her arms into the sleeves.
“She’s like a damn rag doll,” Jake groaned.
Together they worked the dress down and over the rest of her, and Jake hung on to her while Lloyd buttoned the dress. “Don’t tell her I helped,” he told Jake. “She’d die of embarrassment. If Katie or Evie were here, they could do this, but I’m glad they aren’t here. This would be way too ha
rd on Evie, and I wouldn’t want Katie to have to see this either.” He finished the last button. “My God, Pa, how much does she weigh? A hundred pounds?”
“Something like that. Maybe one-ten.” Jake pulled her closer again.
Lloyd rose and set the pan of water on the table. “I’ll fix up something by the fireplace where you can sleep and build up the fire.”
“Lloyd.”
Lloyd met his father’s gaze.
“You’re one hell of a son.”
Lloyd sighed. “Yeah, well, you’re one hell of a father.” He touched his mother’s hair. “And she’s one hell of a mother…and considering the ornery sonofabitch she’s put up with the last thirty years, she’s one hell of a wife.” His heart ached at what he knew his father was going through. Staying sane through this had to be the hardest thing he’d ever done. “She’ll be okay, Pa, as long as she has you. You remember that.”
Randy suddenly grasped Jake’s shirt. “Jake?”
“I’m right here.”
“Don’t go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take good care of you, just like at that trading post.”
“You came for me. I’ll always remember how it felt to hear your voice.”
“I came for you because I couldn’t forget you. God knows I tried.”
“Don’t let go.”
Jake pulled her close. “Never.”
Forty-one
“I’ll ride on my own. Let Stephen ride with Little Jake, and I’ll take Stephen’s horse.” Randy spoke the words matter-of-factly as Jake wrapped a blanket closer around her because she couldn’t stop shivering.
“You’re too weak. Just last night you could barely talk or move, and you’re covered with bruises and still have laudanum in your system. It’s a long ride, and it’s cold out there.” Jake was confused by her sudden about-face—behaving like the feisty, strong Miranda Harkner he knew she could be. After she’d clung to him all night and how sick and terrified she was, her behavior didn’t make any sense.
“Don’t fuss over me,” she demanded. “I’m fine now. Get the boys in here. They need to see that I’m…all right. I want to talk to them.”
“It’s me you should be talking to.”
“No—not yet! Not yet!”
Jake grasped her arm and turned her. “Look at me.”
“No! I have to be strong now…for you…for those poor boys who tried so hard—” The words caught in her throat.
“You don’t need to be strong for anyone. I’m all right, Randy. We’ve had some good talks with the boys, and we’ll talk some more, but they’re okay. It’s over. Oklahoma is behind us. The last sonofabitch left over from my years as a marshal there is dead, and we can finally have some peace! But first, you and I have to get back where we belong.”
She kept trying to pull away. “We can’t! They…did something…they spoiled what we…had… They…made it ugly. That’s why I…shot Brad…” She sucked in her breath, obviously forcing bravery and determination. “Buckley,” she finished. “My God… I…killed him!”
Jake pulled her even closer. “You listen to me. This is you and me now. You and me! We’ve been to hell and back, and for thirty years, it’s always been you and me. It’s done now. My past and all it did to us is over now, and I can talk about it—because of you. I’m alive because of you! I’m sane because of you, and it’s likely I won’t be going to jail…because of you. But as far as I’m concerned, no one in the outside world will ever know about this. And I’m not going to lose that special thing we have because of a couple of bastards who thought they could destroy the beautiful love we share.”
“Jake!” She gasped his name. “You never… You never…asked me… You never… You’ve been with other women. Maybe you wanted…”
“Stop it! ¡Tu eres mi vida, mi querida esposa! ¡Yo te amo! Nothing has changed! We’re going to the line shack, just you and me, and we’ll stay there as long as it takes to get it all back.”
“Jake…all I could think about was…that trading post…hearing your voice…feeling you pick me up and knowing…how safe I was…but when they—” She began wiping at her mouth again. “I belong to you! I belong to you!”
He grasped both her hands in his grip. “You do belong to me, and nothing has changed! I’ll take back every single inch of you, Randy Harkner, and we’ll go home, and you’ll bake that bread and make those pies and love on your grandbabies and be my partner in everything I do. This is Jake Harkner you’re talking to, and there isn’t one thing in life I haven’t seen or experienced or been through. So none of this can hurt me, Randy. And this time I’m not strong just on the outside. I’m strong on the inside, again because of you. Now you have to let me be the strong one! You’ve been carrying the load for too many years, and it’s going to end, understand?”
She shivered. “You’re my Jake.”
“I’m your magnificent Jake.”
She jerked in a little burst of laughter through her tears and turned, burying her head against his chest. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Know when to…make me laugh.”
He grasped her hair and kissed it. “I just know women, I guess.”
She wrapped her arms tightly around him and sobbed and laughed at the same time. “That remark…should make me hate you…” She cried harder then. “Do you know…how many times I wanted…to hate you?”
“Probably at least once every day. And you’d have to get in line with quite a few other people.”
Her sobs mixed with laughter again. Jake just held her, realizing that right now her words and actions came partly from hysteria and partly from a groggy, confused state from the laudanum.
“Jake, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry for what?”
“I tried to fight them. It’s always been…just you…just you…”
He kissed her hair again. “Don’t be apologizing for something you couldn’t help. It’s still just me. And you’re all mixed up right now. We’ll talk more when we get to the line shack. Lloyd is going to ride there with us, and before we even came after you, I had some of the men go there and take enough heating wood and supplies that we can stay there as long as we need to.”
“You remembered.”
“I should have taken you there a long time ago. I’ll not let anything get in the way of that again.”
“That’s our special place. I want us…to be buried there, Jake—you and me…high on that hill overlooking the J&L.”
“Let’s not be talking about where we’ll be buried just yet. God knows I’ve come too close to that a hundred times over. I think He saved me just so you’d have someone to hold you, so He kept me around.”
“Tell me you still love me.”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you that, mi querida.” He touched the side of her face. “Look at me, Randy. You haven’t actually looked at me since we found you.”
“I can’t.”
“Look at me.”
Tears still streamed down her cheeks as she finally raised her head and looked up at him.
“Who do you belong to?”
“I want to still belong to you,” she wept.
“Then say it. Who do you belong to?”
“Jake Harkner.”
He leaned down and very gently kissed the corners of her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, her lips again. “We’re going to that line shack…and for as long as necessary…this is all I’ll do… Just kiss you”—another kiss—“and taste these beautiful lips”—light, fluttery touches with his mouth—“and we won’t need to do anything else but hold each other for however long you need holding.”
Someone tapped at the door. “Pa, it’s me. We’re all loaded up, and Rodriguez made some biscuits and boiled eggs. Can Mom eat?”
“Come on in.”
>
“The boys are out here. They’re real anxious to see Mom. Does she want to see them?”
Randy pulled away. “Yes!” She managed to stand up, clinging to a table.
“Bring them in,” Jake told Lloyd.
Lloyd opened the door and motioned for the boys to come inside. All three of them came bursting inside, their boots covered with snow and their noses and cheeks red. Little Jake started crying over the bruises on her face, and the other two just waited, not sure what to do.
“Grandma, can we hug you?” Stephen asked.
“Just take it easy,” Jake warned them. “Don’t hug too hard.” He took a cigarette from a tin he’d left on the table and lit it while each boy took a turn at hugging their grandmother very carefully.
“We’re sorry,” Little Jake cried.
“Don’t you dare be sorry,” Randy told them. “The three of you fought so bravely! I’ve never been more proud of you.”
Lloyd stepped closer and spoke quietly. “She’s up and around?”
“For the moment. She’s pretending to be strong, but it won’t last. One minute she’s hysterical, the next minute she’s crying, and the next she’s laughing. She’s all mixed up right now and still full of laudanum. It will do us both good to spend some time alone at that line shack.”
“Take all the time you need, Pa.”
Jake drew on the cigarette. “For the first time in thirty years, I’m not sure how to handle a woman, and she’s the one I’ve been living with all those years.”
“Are you kidding?” Lloyd tried reassuring him. “You can handle a woman as good as you handle a gun. You’re Jake Harkner.” He lit his own cigarette. “You’ll figure it out.”
Jake watched Randy reassure the boys she was just fine. He knew better. He knew her every breath, her every movement, every hair on her head…knew when her heart was breaking. He’d damn well mend it.
Forty-two
For two days they traveled in near silence, a soft snowfall enshrouding them, the snow on the ground muffling all sound except for the swish of the horses’ hooves and the gentle clink and squeak of saddles and tack. Jake and Lloyd talked only about the ranch, how in spite of the cold, there at least had not been any new snowstorms, hoping they hadn’t lost too many cattle this winter. To relieve the horses, they traded Randy back and forth, both worried about how, after behaving strong and just fine in front of the boys, she’d fallen back into near silence and at times didn’t even seem fully aware of all that had happened. She was back to wanting only Jake and once cried so hard when Jake handed her over to Lloyd that Lloyd had to convince her in her confusion that he was Jake and she was safe. Both men ached over how weak and worn and bruised she was. She cried out with pain every time they moved her around, and she constantly shivered from cold no matter how many blankets they wrapped around her. Last night, when they had to sleep on the ground, they wrapped her in her rabbit coat and extra blankets and made her sleep between them.
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