I left the bike, started to walk to the cliffs but was suddenly dizzy. It may have been the journey—I had felt a little giddy at the time—or the fish’s eye I had for breakfast, or the cartwheels of the previous night. It’s not like Lucy to be sick so I ignored the feeling for a while and tried to enjoy the view. But my stomach was coming up to my mouth and my knees were fading away altogether. I knew I couldn’t go any farther.
“Sorry,” I said to Lily and Teiji and fell to the ground. I shut my eyes and disappeared. I was vaguely aware, as I fell, of two astonished faces watching me wither and drop but I could not open my eyes again. Perhaps it was my dream or perhaps it was real when Lily put a cool hand on my forehead, pulled me onto my side, and lifted my head to put something soft underneath.
“Just sleep. You’ll feel better,” someone said. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault, you know—do you know that?” It was a female voice so I took it to be Lily’s but now, when I think about it carefully, I realize it was speaking Japanese. There were no other people around. Perhaps it was not a woman’s voice but Teiji’s, suddenly unfamiliar.
When I reappeared, I opened my eyes slowly. The world was nothing but dots and lines that hurt my head until they slid into place. I sat up. Only a few yards away was a steep drop to the sea. The cliffs were sharp and rugged, not very friendly. I drew breath shakily. It made me feel a little better. I was alone. I looked in each direction but Lily and Teiji were not there.
I stood and walked over to my moped. The other two bikes had gone. Lily and Teiji had abandoned me. What could I do without knowing where they had gone? I realized I was carrying the object that had been my pillow. It was Teiji’s T-shirt. I held it against my face. The warmth in it was all mine, not Teiji’s, and it was a lonely warmth. I burst into tears. He didn’t want to be with me anymore, ever since he’d decided I was strange, ever since I told him about Brian Church.
“Where am I supposed to go?” I wept to the sea. “Come back.”
I waited and waited, alternately crying and pacing the clifftop in anger. If they’d gone to get help, surely they would have returned by now. There were campsites and hostels only five minutes away.
When I was tired of waiting I headed to Kinzan, to the mining museum. The journey took me farther along the coast, then uphill and along a thin winding road into the mountains. The old gold mine was nestled in the woods with a couple of tour buses parked outside the gates. I rode into the parking lot, got off the moped. Lily and Teiji were coming out of the museum. Teiji was wearing a new T-shirt that said Sado on the front in big blue and black letters. They were laughing about something and a few moments passed before they even noticed me.
“You seem to have had a good time.” I stood in their path. They looked as if they’d been caught playing hooky.
“Lucy! We were so worried about you. Are you all right?”
“Absolutely fine. Have your T-shirt back.”
“Thank you.” Teiji took the crumpled shirt sheepishly. He knew he’d done something wrong.
Lily looked from his face to mine. “It’s a good thing we left you that note or you wouldn’t have known where to find us.” She spoke brightly, so pleased that the whole day had been saved by her genius.
“What note?”
“Oh, we put a note under a stone for you. It said that we were coming here and if you didn’t meet us we’d come back for you.”
“I didn’t see a note.”
“It must have blown away. I’m really sorry.”
“I just came here because there was nowhere else to look for you. I could have been dying. I could have been blown off the cliff into the sea.”
I tried to make a joke of it but it came out sounding as bitter as it felt. I knew there was no note. Neither of them had been carrying a pen or paper. Teiji had borrowed them from me on the train to write the kanji for mori and given them back. Remember? Lucy is not stupid.
“I did check you,” Lily said. “You were just exhausted and you’d been riding too fast. It made you woozy. It was best to let you sleep it off rather than get on the moped again and make yourself worse. You know, it’s possible you’ve picked up some kind of virus and it’s making you a bit weak.”
“Whatever you say. You’re a nurse and I’m not. So I’ve missed the gold mine trip.”
“No, you haven’t, silly. You can go in now. It’s very interesting. They’ve got these mechanical puppets showing you what it was really like at the time. I don’t mind going round again. Do you, Teiji?”
“No, not at all.” He wasn’t looking at me.
“That’s stupid if you two have already seen it.”
“We don’t mind. Come on, let’s go.” Lily turned to go back.
“No. If I go, I’ll go by myself. I expect you two are anxious not to waste any more time so you’d probably better get moving. There are some very interesting temples in Mano, according to my book.”
“Don’t be daft.” She took another couple of paces. “We’ll all go down the mine together. Come on.”
“And a five-story pagoda. I’m sure you’ll find it quite beautiful.”
Teiji put one hand on my elbow to lead me. “Lucy. We’ll go back in the mining museum together. We’re sorry we left you.”
“No. Forget it. I don’t feel like it now.” I pulled away.
I shouldn’t have snapped at Teiji. Angry words were never meant for him and sulking was not a part of his language. If his mother or father had ever shouted at him he would have cycled off through the paddy fields and let the anger fall on the ground behind him. But I’m sure he had never been shouted at. In that moment I destroyed so much of what we had, at least my illusion of it, made myself sound like half of any old bickering couple. And yet. The sting had gone in deep and its poison was hurting. How could he say, We’re sorry? Since when were Lily and Teiji announcing their apologies as a duet?
“It was just that you didn’t sound keen on it when we talked about it this morning. That was why we thought you wouldn’t mind if we went on without you.” Lily the conciliator. Lily the healer, the nurse.
“Yes, you’re right. It doesn’t matter.”
But I’d said in the morning that I wanted to go there. It was Teiji who wasn’t bothered. I knew it was.
We didn’t argue, didn’t discuss it again. We walked in silence to our bikes and then headed to our hotel in Mano. Gradually their shame and my anger wore off and we made tentative, overpolite comments until, by late evening, we were talking almost comfortably.
In our room I made sure I was the first to the futon cupboard. I pulled out the bedding so fast that Lily and Teiji had no time to offer help. I laid one flat in the far corner.
“Lily, here you are.”
“Oh, thanks.” She threw a pillow down and went off to brush her teeth.
I put out the next one, the middle one, and covered it with my own things. Finally, I grabbed the last one and unfolded it for Teiji.
I’d engineered the futon arrangements to my liking but I didn’t sleep well that night, probably because of my extra sleep during the day. I was too hot. The muscles in my arms and legs were twitchy. I listened to Teiji and Lily breathing in and out. There was too much breathing in one room. It was oppressive. I rolled over to Teiji but couldn’t relax enough to snuggle against him. I wanted Lily out of the room. Then I realized I needed Teiji to go too. I wanted to sleep by myself. I thought about dragging my bedding out of the room to sleep in the corridor, but I didn’t want to wake the others and provoke interrogation. I lay for most of the night with one eye in my pillow and the other looking at the square shape of the lampshade against the dark ceiling. What I wanted was a reason for the night to be over, an interruption in the night so I could get up. What I wanted was something like an earth tremor, to shake us up, to put an end to Lily and Teiji’s deep breathing sleep that was suffocating me.
I probably fell asleep at five or six in the morning. The sun had already risen when I finally dropped off.<
br />
We had planned to wander around the area of Mano, to visit temples and the museum. I was too tired to go anywhere.
“Go without me. I’ll meet you later.”
They both looked nervous.
“It’s not a problem. I mean, yesterday isn’t a problem. It’s just that I didn’t sleep well last night. Until I’ve had a bit of sleep I don’t think I can do anything.”
“You have got a virus. I thought so. You’re very pale, you know.”
Lily put one hand on my forehead. It felt nice.
“You’re a little bit hot, maybe. Well, if you’re sure that’s what you want to do…”
Teiji said, “We’ll stay here with you. It’s OK.”
While I didn’t relish the thought of Lily and Teiji going off together without me, I knew I wouldn’t sleep unless they left.
“Please go. It’s fine. I’ll just have a couple more hours and then I’ll join you.”
“If you’re sure.” Lily looked doubtful.
Of course, they were merely putting on a slick display of politeness. They wanted me to go back to sleep and they wanted to leave the inn. They left.
We’d agreed to meet later at the town hall but I set off a little earlier and by chance came upon them in a different place. They were sitting on a street bench, a little back from the pavement. They were close together, not touching. Something about their silence stopped me crossing the road to greet them. I stayed on my side of the street, far enough not to be seen. Each of them was holding an ice cream. Lily licked the side of the cone where the ice cream was melting. Her tongue had the quick, delicate movement of a cat’s. Teiji was crunching into the bottom part of his cone. They were not looking at each other. But Lily said something to Teiji and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, gave it to her. She started to wipe her fingers. She handed her half-eaten ice-cream cone to him while she wiped the other hand. Teiji took the ice cream without a glance at it. He watched, casually, as she moved the handkerchief along her fingers. He licked her ice cream while he waited. This told me everything I hadn’t wanted to know. They were going to sleep together. There was no stopping them.
It was the simplicity of the action that made my forehead and temples freeze. Teiji and Lily were so close that he could lick her ice cream without her offering it. They were so intimate that Lily could wipe melted ice cream all over Teiji’s handkerchief and not feel the need to thank him or apologize. Lucy stared and stared and waited. She wanted to see something that would show her she was wrong, though she knew she was right.
Teiji gave the ice cream back to Lily. Lily took it. Teiji watched the cars as they passed. Lily looked up at the sky then closed her eyes, still facing upward. Teiji’s handkerchief was a ball in her hand. They hardly knew each other. They should have been making polite conversation but they were silent. Lucy understood. They were so comfortable together that it was obvious. She had indeed been wrong. They had already slept together.
I walked away. I paced around the houses, faster and faster until I was lost. When did it happen? It might have been the previous morning when Lucy was walking on the beach, or later on the clifftop while she was out cold, or on some hillside, just a moped’s journey away. Maybe it was during the first night when Lily slept on the middle futon and Lucy was rocking in her dreams with the sea. Or it could have happened this morning in a secret alley between houses. I went into a public toilet and tried to cry but nothing happened. When I came out I walked straight into them.
I burst out laughing.
“Lucy, how lucky. We were just on our way to meet you.”
“Yes, how lucky.” I laughed like a hyena. They laughed too, thinking I was tickled by our meeting like this, even though it was only five minutes before the appointed time and about thirty yards from the place.
I choked on my breath and coughed. I managed to steady the convulsions in my chest.
“What shall we do, then? There are so many places to visit, things to do. Let’s not waste any time. Come on.”
They followed me doubtfully. “Where are we going?”
“I don’t know. There’s something in every direction so let’s see what we find. We can’t go wrong, can we? Only if the earth turns out to be flat and we fall off the edge. Ha ha ha.”
“Lucy, what are you talking about?”
I pushed my arm through Teiji’s. “I don’t know. What do you want to do? What have you already done?”
Lily answered. “I went to kokubunji. A big temple. It’s lovely. You two might want to see it.”
I looked at Teiji in surprise. “You haven’t seen it?”
“I went down to look at the sea, took some pictures. We bumped into each other afterward and had an ice cream.”
“Oh.”
With my arm tightly through Teiji’s and this new piece of information, I felt better. What had I actually seen? No kiss, no touch, no sharing of secrets. No exchanges of glance or flirtatious smiles. No photograph taken of Lily by Teiji. I still trusted my initial instinct, but was ready to be proven wrong. We spent the afternoon in temples and museums. In the early evening we collected our bags and headed for the ferry. From the boat’s deck I watched the jagged mountains recede. A rush of images filled my head so fast and vivid I lost sight of the sea: wooden temples, seagulls, tarmac disappearing under the moped’s wheels, white futon covers and pillows, moving puppets digging for gold. I was happy to be going home.
Back at Tokyo station Lily and I said goodbye to Teiji. He had to work late that night and early the next morning so there was no point in my going back with him. We went off in the white maze of underground passages to find our platforms. Lily was taking the Yamanote line too, but in the opposite direction. I was going clockwise, she counterclockwise. The platforms faced one another. We went up our separate staircases, said goodbye. I walked onto my platform, glanced at the overhead board to check the time of my next train. One minute to go. I looked down the length of track. The train was approaching from Kanda station. The platform was crowded and I wandered toward the rear end where there were usually fewer people. Just before my train pulled in I looked up at Lily’s platform. I don’t know why I looked. Perhaps if you are aware that someone you know should be standing on the next platform it’s impossible not to. There was a string of people waiting. The train had not yet arrived. She should have been at the same end as me. The front of the train was nearest the exit at her station. It was also the least crowded part of her train. So why couldn’t I see her?
I pushed my way back, ran along the platform against the crowds and up into the station building. I went along the passage, downstairs to Lily’s platform. I ran from one end to the other, vaguely wondering what I would say to Lily if I found her calmly buying Coke from a machine. I didn’t need to. Lily wasn’t there.
I stumbled back up the stairs. My rucksack was bashing against my back, getting caught on the shoulders and the bags of passersby. Briefcases hit my knees and sent me sideways. I didn’t know for certain where I would find her, but there was only one direction worth trying. I found my way toward Teiji’s platform. It was empty. A train had just left.
I could have taken the next one and hidden outside Teiji’s apartment to see if they were there. I didn’t. If they had gone to his place, they would be there all night. It would be my final option. In the meantime, I headed back to the barriers for the shinkansen tracks, the place where Lily and I had said goodbye to Teiji.
I approached cautiously. With my wild, wiry hair and tree-trunk body I am easy to spot from a distance. I stood beside a newspaper kiosk and peered around. Immediately a customer stood in front of me and obscured my view. The woman inside the kiosk was regarding me with interest. I bought a copy of the Daily Asahi and walked quickly to a pillar.
I was both satisfied and appalled. I had been right. Teiji and Lily were standing together, as lovers. They were face to face, Lily’s left foot between Teiji’s feet, their thighs almost touching. Teiji whispered so
mething into Lily’s mouth and they kissed. I wanted to escape quickly and silently but another, uncontrollable, part of me wanted to do something quite different. I let out a loud cry, the lonely howl of a wolf to the moon, and was horrified to see Lily and Teiji turn and face me, wide-eyed.
I dropped my newspaper and ran.
12
Kameyama and Oguchi have forgotten me. I lift myself to my feet, walk around the room. My joints ache. I clear my throat a few times, hoping someone outside will hear and remember that I’m still shut away in here. My restlessness is due to a sense that perhaps my story of Lily and Teiji has reached its end. Of course, it hasn’t. I would be fooling myself if I allowed the thought to persist. The worst is still to come.
I called Natsuko the next morning and told her I would not be at work for several days. I’d been working on a translation for a steel corporation—instructions for the maintenance of a blast furnace—and the deadline was near. Though it went against my professional pride, someone else would have to do it. Natsuko was surprised.
“Lucy what’s happened? Are you ill? You’ve never missed a day of work.” She thought for a moment. “I bet you never even missed a day of school.”
That’s true. I never missed a single day, not even for Noah’s funeral. “I can’t come to work this week. It’s impossible.”
There was a pause. She knew me well enough not to ask questions that probed areas of pain.
“OK. Do you need anything?”
Yes, I needed many things but I didn’t know what to call them, how to ask.
“No, I don’t. Thank you.”
I shut the curtains and locked the door. I lay on my back on the wooden floorboards, closed my eyes.
All day long cars came and went in the garage forecourt. The attendants shouted as they waved customers’ cars into position by the pumps. I listened to the endless humming of engines punctuated with human voices.
The Earthquake Bird Page 13
