It was late – or early – but there was no way I could have slept. Soon, a band of orange-pink light filtered through, making it seem as if nothing bad had actually happened, as if the birds weren’t singing out what I’d done, the dogs weren’t whining to the tune of my crime in the kitchen below, the bin men weren’t trundling through the village collecting up the trash of my life.
‘Morning,’ I said cheerily at breakfast. I was so stiff I could hardly walk.
‘Morning,’ they all said back.
The day had begun and I drove to New Hope, early for my shift.
Dean, of course, wasn’t there.
‘What’s got into you?’ Frank asked cheerily, but I ignored him, claiming a headache. That much was true. Every time the door opened to the church hall, every time a phone rang, my heart skittered and stalled.
Then I remembered the stuff Dean said he’d got in a locker. There was a master key hidden in the kitchen. The boys were always losing their keys.
Dean’s life consisted of the contents of a holdall. His scent wafted out when I opened the locker – sweat mixed with the powdery smell of value-brand deodorant. A balled-up sock tumbled to the floor so I picked it up, put it back in his bag along with the note I’d just written. Someone would eventually find it.
‘You look awful,’ Frank said. ‘Sit down and have a cuppa.’
It was true. I felt sick. Dead inside. I could have shown him the bruises blooming on my back, let him see my purple swollen ankle beneath my trousers, have a feel of what I’m certain was a cracked rib. But I didn’t. It all remained concealed. Besides, I wanted the pain. It was punishment.
Something about the way Dean had looked at me, the way he smelled, the way he walked, those long limbs never knowing quite where to put themselves – it reminded me so much of Simon. The youthful and carefree way Dean breezed through life. I’d half expected him to pick me up, spin me around. For a few months that summer it had been like having Simon back.
But then the horror of what I’d done wound back, and I’d feel more alone, more scared than ever before.
Steal a bike, he’d said. Steal some fun, I’d agreed. Steal some precious hours together.
But now it was over and Dean was dead. Just like Simon.
Then the police came.
And they found Dean’s note.
They said they were sorry, told us that he’d killed himself, took his stuff away.
I was sorry, too.
‘Mum,’ Lana said when she arrived at New Hope later, ‘you look terrible. Didn’t you sleep?’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, sitting down so she couldn’t see how I was shaking.
I told her what had happened, that Dean had killed himself. She was shocked. We sat in silence for a while, thinking about him. When she glanced at my arms, I pulled down my sleeves to cover the bruises. I told her about the nightmare that had kept me awake, how I’d dreamt about Simon. How he’d died all over again and there’d been nothing I could do to save him.
But how I was glad I’d had him back, just for one night.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Epub ISBN: 9781448164622
Version 1.0
www.randomhouse.co.uk
Published by Century 2014
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Copyright © Samantha Hayes 2014
Samantha Hayes has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.
This is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
First published in Great Britain in 2014 by
Century
Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,
London SW1V 2SA
www.randomhouse.co.uk
Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm
The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781780891507
Before You Die Page 28
