He hates me for the way I’ve treated him, she thought. She had to fight against her own pride. She wanted to speak, but her old pride kept rising up in her, and she made her way with the small group back to the camp without saying what she really meant to say to Othniel.
Chapter 29
Dawn was breaking, but the light from the east seemed pale. Ariel leaned forward to stare into her brother’s face, and a twinge of fear came to her. He was so still! She laid her hand on his cheek, and the heat of his flesh disturbed her even more. Turning to her left, she dipped the cloth into a vase filled with water, wrung it out, and then laid it across Ardon’s forehead. He did not stir.
Two days had passed since the raiding party had returned, and Caleb’s joy had been great at recovering his daughter. But his fear for her had been replaced by an anxiety over Ardon. He had stayed close to the camp, not going out in the usual campaigns during this period. He was so deeply troubled that he could barely speak, and Ariel had learned how much the stern old man, who had found so much favor with God, loved his son.
And what did Ariel herself feel? She had slept very little, choosing to remain by Ardon, watching him and caring for him as best she could. There were others in the tribe who were better suited for this, and she allowed them to come, but she kept her station hour after hour. Caleb had said, “Daughter, you’re going to wear yourself out. You need to rest.” But she found that she had trouble resting even when she lay down and tried to sleep.
Picking up a fan made from woven reeds, she fanned her brother’s face. It was hot in the tent, and she thought once of having him moved outside in the breeze but had decided against it. She fanned slowly, thinking back over the terrible events that had taken place since she’d been captured. Mostly she thought of those hours alone as a captive when she had remembered her past life. The passage of time had not erased the memories of her life that had come to her when she thought death was imminent. She had used much of the time sitting by Ardon to think over her life, and two things struck her with surprising force. The first of these was the recognition that she had not been a good woman. She thought over the years how she had used her position as the daughter of the great Caleb to get her own way. There was no way she could avoid the memories of how proud she had been all of her life. She had taken advantage of everyone and had always sought the very best of circumstances for herself. This disturbed her greatly, and again and again she prayed to God to forgive her and to change her.
Somehow she felt that this prayer had been answered, and she was determined to be kinder and gentler in her dealings with others. She resolved to bring before God every day her behavior so she would not fall back into her old ways.
The other feeling she could not shake off was more difficult for her to analyze. It concerned Othniel, and somehow guilt was mingled in with her memories of him. Part of this was because she well understood that she had treated him abominably all of her younger life. This was part of what she had been, a woman of haughty pride, but there was more to it than that. From the time he had appeared in her tent, and perhaps even before that, her feelings for Othniel had been so confused. She had almost hated him when he had failed the family, but she had come to recognize now that there was a different element there. She didn’t want him to fail because of a deep affection she had for him.
How long this affection had been there she found it impossible to say. She went back over her life and recognized she had always admired his cheerful spirit, his madly good looks, his willingness to always help others. But this was not all the story. As she lay in the tent waiting for death, she realized that her feelings for Othniel were much deeper than she had supposed. Part of the reason she had treated him so badly when he had failed was that she so desperately wanted him to succeed. She realized that this was part of her affection for him. But how deep did that affection go? For two days now she had struggled with this, and she realized that it was not the affection one had for a relative but that a woman had for a man she cared for.
Why didn’t I see this before? Though he’s always been with me, a part of my life, I never thought of him as a man I might love. But that night when he came out of the darkness to save me from death, I knew my feelings for him were deeper than I’d ever imagined. He not only was the one who saved me, but he was the one I learned to care for.
She sat there as the morning light grew stronger, and the hopelessness of her feelings for Othniel became clear to her. He could never care for me, she thought, not after the way I treated him. She resolved to throw all of her energy into caring for her brother and put Othniel out of her mind.
****
The battle to win the Promised Land, the land flowing with milk and honey, occupied everybody in the camp. Rahab had formed the habit of meeting with a group of women early in the morning to pray for the men who went out to fight. The battles went on constantly, and she had learned that prayer had brought her some consolation.
She left the group early one morning and was on her way back to her tent when Caleb suddenly appeared. She bowed before him, showing him reverence, and greeted him. “Good morning, sir.”
“Rahab, I have a favor to ask of you.”
“Anything, master.”
“I’m afraid my son Ardon is not doing well, and my daughter is wearing herself out nursing him. Please go help her. You’re reputed to be a good nurse, good with men with wounds. I’m worried sick about both of them.”
“I will go at once and do all that I can.”
Rahab went back with Caleb to the tent, and when she stepped inside, she was shocked at Ariel’s expression. Her face, usually so fresh and beautiful, was almost gray with strain.
“This will never do, Ariel!” Rahab exclaimed. She went over and pulled the young woman to her feet. “You go at once and rest!”
“Rahab, I can’t. I must stay with Ardon.”
“You can’t help him if you get sick.”
“I can’t sleep.”
Rahab felt the girl’s body trembling. “It will be all right. God is not going to let him die.”
Ariel clung to Rahab and began to weep. “Why does God let such terrible things happen, Rahab? My brother is not a bad man.”
Rahab had thought of this many times herself. Now she held the girl and said gently, “Sometimes, Ariel, we are like naughty children who won’t heed their parents. I think God gets our attention by letting something very difficult happen in our lives. That’s the time we all look to God. I believe that God had to get Ardon to a place where he would be willing to listen.”
Ariel looked up and tears were running down her cheeks. Her voice was faint and trembling as she said, “And you think that’s true of me as well, don’t you?”
“It’s true of all of us, Ariel. You’re not happy. You’ve had an easy life, but now you’re discovering that there’s more to life than pleasure and ease. Jehovah is knocking at your door, in a manner of speaking. Now the question is, will you open the door and let Him come in?”
Ariel wept with wild abandon. “Yes. That’s what I want more than anything else.”
“Come. We will pray and then you will sleep. I will take care of your brother. Never fear.”
****
Rahab leaned over when she noticed Ardon stirring. His eyes opened, fluttered for a moment, and she whispered, “It’s all right, Ardon. You’ve been hurt.”
Ardon stared at her, but there was a wildness in his expression behind his sunken eyes. Rahab had never seen anything quite like this and felt fearful. “Do you know me, Ardon?”
“God is the judge. He will not forgive.”
The words startled Rahab. “No. That is not right. He is the judge, but He does forgive.”
“God will not forgive me.”
Rahab tried to calm Ardon as he began thrashing around. She captured his arms, and he was so weak she was able to hold them down. His eyes were wild and staring, and she spoke to him gently until he finally passed into a state of unconsciousness. Rah
ab began to pray. “O Jehovah, almighty and everlasting God, touch your servant Ardon. Heal whatever is in him, and may he make his peace with you.”
****
Even in his unconscious state, Ardon tossed fitfully until his fever went down. Rahab sat beside him the whole time. Once when Caleb came in, she said, “I think, sir, that God is dealing with your son.”
“He’s been a good son.”
“What we think is good,” Rahab had said, “may not be what God demands.”
Now as Ardon opened his eyes again, she saw that the wildness was gone and she said joyfully, “You’re much better, Ardon. Here. You must drink.”
She held the cup while he quickly drank. She let him have only a little, however, saying, “A little at a time or it will make you sick.”
For the next hour Rahab gave him small drinks of water and was finally able to get him to eat a little of the broth she had kept for just such a time.
She continued to sit beside him, and after a long while he turned to look at her. “I wish I had been killed in the battle,” he said. His eyes were clear now but filled with misery.
“Ardon, you don’t wish that.”
“I do. I’m not fit to live.”
Rahab knew at that instant that something had come into Ardon’s life that had taken from him all of the assurance he had always had. She knew of his years of careful listening to the Law and his delight in studying it with the elders and the priests. She knew of his devotion to the things of Jehovah, the sacrifices, the sacred feasts, his reverence for the priesthood, but now that was all gone. Nothing seemed to be left in him but a great emptiness and despair.
“Why would you think God would not forgive you?”
“I cannot even speak of it. I thought I was a good man, but I was wrong.”
“Ardon, God knows all about you. I think He knew you before you were born, and I know that He loves you. Moses learned that God was a God of tender mercies.”
“His mercies are not for me!”
“They are for everyone who will come to Him and confess.”
“God can’t love me!”
“Why not?”
“I’m a sinner, that’s why!”
“Don’t you know that all men and all women are sinners? God is so pure, and we all fail Him in so many ways. I know a great deal about that myself, but all people have evil in them just as I have, just as you have.”
Ardon grew quiet as Rahab spoke. He watched her face and saw the peace and the joy that was in her and thought of the woman he had brought out of Jericho. Finally he whispered, “I’d give anything to have your peace.”
“If you want to have peace with God, you must confess what’s on your heart.”
“I…I can’t bear to think of it.”
“Whatever it is you’ve done, you’re not the first man to do it. There are no new sins. There are only the same sins. And, Ardon, I’m not sure that any one sin is worse than any other.”
Ardon began to toss restlessly. His lips twisted in agony, and he moaned under his breath.
“Just say it, Ardon,” Rahab urged him. “It helps to tell another human being. If you can tell it to me, you can surely tell it to God.”
Ardon gritted his teeth so hard she could hear the sound; then he turned to look at her, his face a mask of pain. “I have been so judgmental of others, yet I have behaved worse than any man.”
“What did you do? Speak it out.”
“I…I committed fornication with a woman.”
Rahab then understood the deep agony that was in Ardon. He had been so harsh in his judgment of those who had committed this sin, and now he himself was guilty of the same sin. She took his hand and said softly, “Now. You have told me.”
“You hate me, I know.”
“Of course I don’t hate you. How could I hate you when we’re all the same before God? But you must confess it to God and ask His forgiveness.”
“I can’t! I can’t even bear to think of going to God with this terrible thing.”
Rahab knew she had no power over this man, and she prayed in her heart, O God, give me a word of wisdom that will draw him to you.
Instantly she knew what to say, thrilled with a great joy that God was speaking through her.
“I’ve been studying one of the songs Moses gave to his people. He said, ‘You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.’”
The words seemed to cut through Ardon like a knife, but Rahab added quickly, “He knows our sins, but even so Moses prayed, ‘Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.’” She continued quoting the joyful song of Moses that she had committed to her heart and finally said, “Don’t you see, Ardon? Moses was a man, and he must have known sin or he could not have prayed like this. But God forgave him, and He will forgive you. Just call out to Him and ask Him. Tell Him that you have sinned. You’re not going to surprise Him. He already knows, but you will make Him happy, I think.”
“What do you mean, Rahab?”
“I think God knows great joy when we bring Him our sins and beg for forgiveness.”
Ardon stared at her for a moment and then began to cry out to God. Great tears ran down his cheeks, and Rahab sat beside him silently. He held her hand tightly, and finally he began to grow quieter. When he was absolutely still, Rahab leaned to look into his face. “You have done all a man can do. Do you feel that God has forgiven you?”
“Yes. I know now the peace that you have felt.” He turned to face her. “But I have wronged you dreadfully.”
Rahab shook her head. “That’s all in the past. Let us look to the future. God has forgiven you. Now there is no guilt. It has gone away. Never think of it again except to give thanks to God for what He has done!”
Chapter 30
“It’s so good to have you home, Father.”
Caleb turned and smiled down at Ariel. “It is good to be home. It seems like life has become just one battle after another.” Indeed, that was true, for the children of Israel were moving from one Canaanite kingdom to another. God seemed to be striking their enemies so that oftentimes they fled out of pure fear. True enough there were other enemies to conquer, but Caleb said now, “I know it seems like the battles will never be over, but they will be one day. This is truly the land of promise.”
“The land of milk and honey, Moses called it.”
“That’s what the Lord called it.” Caleb nodded. “And it is a good land.”
The two were walking through the tents of the tribe of Judah, and almost every family had a man in the army. Many of them spoke to Caleb, and there was an air of happy expectancy among the people.
Othniel appeared from over to Caleb’s left, and he called to him. “Nephew, come here, will you?”
Othniel came at once. He gave Ariel a quick glance and then turned to Caleb. “Yes, sir?”
“I just wanted to ask how the men seemed. Are you satisfied with them?”
Caleb and Joshua had agreed to make Othniel a commander in the army of Judah. He had proven to be a man worthy of their trust, for time and again in the battles he had distinguished himself by his personal courage and by his astute use of troops.
Othniel smiled briefly. “They’re ready for the next battle whenever you lead us, sir.”
“Fine, fine. Now, walk along with us here.”
“Really, sir, with your permission, there are some things I need to do.”
Caleb was surprised but nodded. “Well, I’m sure you’re busy getting ready for the next battle. I just wanted to tell you how pleased Joshua is with you.”
“That’s good to hear. I’ll see you later.”
“That was strange,” Caleb murmured. “He seemed almost embarrassed.” He turned to Ariel. “You two haven’t been having another one of your fights, have you?”
“No, sir, of course not.”
“Well, I should think not. After all, he was the one primarily responsible
for getting you back from those villains. I owe him a debt of gratitude forever for that.”
“He…he doesn’t seem to be the same man.”
“Well, of course not. He’s not a boy any longer. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but Joshua and I aren’t getting any younger. Sooner or later we’re going to have to step aside. And, you know, I think that young fellow might be just the fellow to lead Israel.”
Ariel turned to stare at her father. “You really mean that, sir?”
“Well, he had a bad beginning, but he’s become a leader of men. And his attitude toward Jehovah is good now. I was a little worried about that.” He suddenly asked, “Why doesn’t he come around anymore? You two used to do all sorts of things together. I think you must be having some kind of an argument.”
“Not really.” Othniel had indeed stayed away from Ariel during those times when the troops were not in battle. Ariel had tried desperately to find some way to express her gratitude to him, but he seemed so distant and did not seek her out as he once had. “He’s just too busy for a woman, I suppose.”
Caleb was caught by this. He studied his daughter’s face and saw that she was not as filled with joy as he was accustomed. “You seem to be troubled, Ariel. Anything you can tell me?”
Ariel forced herself to smile. “No, I’ll be all right.”
Caleb wanted to say more, but she turned and began talking of other matters. Something has gone wrong between those two, he thought. That’s a shame.
****
The three figures outlined against the blue sky were of differing height. Ardon was the tallest, between the other two, with Rahab on his right and Oman on his left. They were laughing and talking as they walked through the knee-high grass. Oman was holding on to Ardon’s hand, tugging at him and shouting, “Hurry up, Ardon!”
“I’m coming as fast as I can. You’ve got to be careful with an old man,” Ardon said, grinning. He glanced over at Rahab, who was watching the two of them with a smile. “Beautiful day for shepherds.”
Daughter of Deliverance Page 24
