by Ian Todd
“The only time Ah’ve been oan Alexandra Parade before wis oan the bus when we used tae go tae roll oor painted hard boiled eggs at Easter up in Alexandra Park,” Johnboy said.
“Why wid ye dae something like that?” Skull asked him, shooting a smoke ring in Johnboy’s direction.
“Ah don’t know. Aw Ah know is that ma ma used tae boil eggs till they wur hard as stanes, get us tae paint them and put us oan the number forty two bus in Cathedral Street tae Alexandra Park where we rolled them doon a hill and if big uglies didnae take them aff us, we’d sit and scoff them at the bottom.”
“Ah don’t think Ah’ve ever tasted a boiled egg, bit Ah wance saw that ugly auld wummin, Fanny Craddock make a piece oot ae them,” Skull said.
“Ah thought ye didnae hiv a telly?”
“We don’t…Ah usually watch it next door in Margaret’s.”
“Right, let’s try in here,” Tony announced, turning intae a closemooth.
It looked amazing and a wee bit creepy at the same time, Johnboy thought. He’d never seen anything in his whole life that looked like this. Mind you, he’d never really noticed clothes hinging oan washing lines before. He looked aboot. Aw the back courts hid metal railings separating them fae wan another. There wis a railing every third or fourth close. They wur painted green and they stretched fur miles and miles. There wur clothes ropes stretched between the rone pipes oan the buildings and the wall that ran parallel tae the hooses. Oan the ropes hung shirts, troosers, towels, wummin’s drawers, sheets, socks, weans’ nappies, weans’ clothes, bibbed overalls, table cloths, long johns wae the arse flaps flapping, jumpers, cardigans, vests, string vests and string underpants. They wur aw fluttering and flapping like a strange army ae dancing ghosts in the dirty sooty breeze, trying tae jump o’er the green railings in front ae them, charging towards where Johnboy wis stauning facing them. It wis as if the flapping clothes didnae want tae be left behind and wur running tae catch up wae the wans fluttering oan the line in front ae them. Fur some strange reason it made Johnboy feel sorry fur them.
“How will we find me a pair a jeans in amongst aw this?” Johnboy asked, feeling a wee bit feart at the thought ae walking intae aw that blustery commotion.
“Skull, nip up the close three doors doon and see whit there is,” Tony ordered.
Skull disappeared as he wis swallowed up by a bunch ae shirts and jumpers, flapping in the breeze.
A minute later, his heid appeared oot ae the back landing windae two flights up. Johnboy’s luck wis in. Skull waved at them tae come and join him. When they reached the windae and looked doon intae the back court, Skull pointed oot whit they wur efter. Three pairs ae Levis jeans, aw trying tae oot-dance wan another, wur shouting ‘me, me, me…take me, boys.’ That Freddie wan, fae Freddie and the Dreamers wid’ve come across as a beginner in the leg-twirling department, in amongst aw the dancing that wis gaun oan doon oan that washing line. Johnboy wanted tae climb oot ae the windae right there and then.
“Whit dae ye think, Skull?”
“The middle wans look as if they’d fit Johnboy and the wans tae the right wid be yours, bit Ah’m goosed, as usual, unless Ah kin grow an extra eighteen inches.”
“Could ye no cut the legs back?” Johnboy suggested.
“Naw, the waist wid even be too big fur Fat John, the coalman, and anyway, Ah like the wans Ah’ve goat oan.”
“Okay, it looks straight forward enough. Let’s go then,” said Tony, heiding back doon the stairs two at a time.
Johnboy wis jist reaching oot wae wan haun oan each trooser leg when he heard the bellow.
“Hoi, ya wee fuckers, ye. Get yer manky wee paws away fae ma good five-o-wans!”
Johnboy never noticed Tony grabbing his wans, jist as he never saw the face ae the shouter. Wae wan big tug, he jist managed tae clock the two wooden clothes pegs take aff thegither like two rockets fired oot ae a sling shot, before two stomping hairy legs appeared under the sheet oan the line in front ae him. He ducked tae his left and ran under the flapping clothes, followed by the charging, crashing, faceless, hairy legged bear who wis bellowing whit he wis gonnae dae tae him if he goat his hauns oan him. At wan point Johnboy bounced aff ae a set ae railings as he ran through a sheet. It wis when he wis oan his back, wondering if his nose wis broken, that he noticed where wan ae the closes wis and scurried oan aw fours, still clutching his good Levis, towards it, while whit looked like a herd ae elephants crashed through aw the dancing clothes lines behind him. When he hit the pavement ootside the front ae the closemooth, he ran straight intae the Wicked Witch Ae The West, sending her ugly coupon wan way, followed by her pink bloomered spread-eagled arse and the contents ae her leather bag wae aw her coins, and the change fae his good tokens, flying in the other direction. He didnae hiv time tae say hello although she managed, “Ah bloody well know ye, ya wee manky, cretinous basturt, ye!” before he ran tae catch up wae Tony and Skull who wur daeing their ballet routine across the traffic oan Castle Street, heiding fur Parson Street and safety.
Chapter Fourteen
Helen looked aboot. The place wis immaculate. She’d been gaun at it like the clappers since she arrived hame, bit she couldnae settle so hid gone back tae her wee school jotter.
“Come oan, Betty, where ur ye?” Helen said tae hersel fur the umpteenth time in the last forty five minutes.
Betty hid been gone fur o’er an hour so Helen assumed that it must be a no-goer. How the hell did they keep managing tae get themsels intae this situation, time and time again? She looked doon at her scribbled calculations. Even if she stoapped smoking, which wid save them jist under three bob a week, they’d still be fourteen bob short ae whit they needed tae survive before they even attempted tae square aff some ae the debt. It jist didnae seem fair. Jimmy wis taking hame fourteen quid a week and she goat two fur the cleaning at the school. It hid been nearly a week noo since the electric hid been cut aff. The lassies wur gaun mental and who could blame them? If it hidnae been fur the candles, Johnboy probably widnae hiv noticed any difference, especially since the school holidays hid started. In fact, she couldnae remember seeing him hivving a wash other than his hauns before sitting doon fur his tea this past week. There wis sixteen quid tae pay before they’d switch it back oan. There wis jist no way they could get that kind ae money thegither and still manage. Jimmy hid suggested that she should maybe talk tae her maw. She’d reminded him that her maw and da widnae hiv that kind ae money and there wis nothing left that they could pawn. Jimmy hid asked his work fur a sub bit they’d knocked him back, jist as he’d thought they wid.
It hid taken her four days tae pluck up the courage tae ask Betty and Stan fur help, efter telling Jimmy that that wis whit she wis gonnae dae. She knew she should’ve spoken tae Betty before noo. As usual, Betty hid been great aboot it. She hidnae even blinked when Helen asked if there wis maybe any chance that they could hook their electric intae Betty and Stan’s until they found the money.
“Why did ye no say tae me before noo?” Betty hid scolded her, hunched doon oan her knees wae a scrubbing brush in wan haun and wiping the sweat aff ae her brow wae the other while they wur cleaning at the school earlier.
Helen didnae know whit hid come o’er her, bit she’d jist burst intae floods ae tears. Wance they’d started, they widnae stoap. Betty hid wiped her wet hauns oan her apron, moved the bucket that wis sitting between them oot ae the way and jist held Helen tight. Aw Helen hid been able tae hear wis her ain sobs echoing up and doon the big hall in the wee wans’ huts.
“It’s been nearly a week and Ah jist don’t know whit Ah’m gonnae dae, Betty,” she’d sobbed.
“Wheesht, wheesht, Helen…it’s no the end ae the world. We’ll sort it oot between us,” Betty hid said soothingly, still haudin oan tae her.
“We’ve been sitting in the dark wae candles every night and the lassies hiv been getting a bath roond at their pals’ hooses. Ah jist don’t know who tae turn tae other than tae you and Stan as a last resort,” she’d went oan, sobbing
.
“Whit’s Jimmy saying aboot it?”
“We hid a big fight aboot it the other night. He didnae want youse tae get involved in oor troubles. Ah telt him that Ah’d been turning it o’er in ma heid fur days and that unless he could come up wae a solution, Ah didnae see as we hid any choice.”
“And his solution wis tae sit in the dark?”
“He thinks that he’ll maybe manage tae get some overtime o’er the next few weeks and maybe we’ll be able tae try and negotiate wae the leccy people tae get it switched back oan, if we put doon a big enough payment.”
“Bit in the meantime, while he’s oot at work, ye’ve tae sit in the hoose withoot leccy? Aye, Ah kin see how that wid work.”
“Whit dae ye think Stan’s reaction will be?” she’d asked hopefully.
“Ah cannae see Stan gieing a toss personally, and even if he did hiv a problem, which he widnae hiv, he widnae say.”
“We could read the leccy units so we see whit they ur jist noo and then split it fae here oan in. And Jimmy wid dae aw the work so ye widnae be expected tae dae any ae the wiring.”
“It’s ten past seven noo, so let’s get this finished and we’ll heid aff early and Ah’ll go and speak tae lover-boy. We kin tell Danny the Janny that there’s an emergency plumbing job that needs seeing tae and Ah’ll catch Stan before he gets up, if ye know whit Ah mean?” she’d said, letting oot a dirty laugh.
Even if Stan wis tae say naw, Helen felt better jist hivving goat it aff her chest. Betty wis right, Helen should’ve spoken tae her earlier. When Helen hid arrived hame fae the school, Jimmy wis awready up and oot the door. Jimmy hid suggested that he approach The Big Man fur the money, bit that wis as far as he’d goat. He’d backed aff pronto as Helen’s look hid been enough tae bury that avenue, the glaiket idiot that he wis. Helen wid’ve rather sat in the dark fur a lifetime than go tae a money-lender like Pat Molloy, especially seeing as she used tae go oot wae him before she met Jimmy.
Helen heard the ootside door open and close and the sound ae Betty’s footsteps coming alang the lobby. Betty burst intae the kitchen, strode o’er tae the seat opposite her and sat doon.
“Sorted!” she said wae a big smile oan her face.
“Aw, Betty,” Helen said, and went across tae her and gied her a big hug before bursting intae tears again.
“Hoi, Hoi, nae mair tears, Helen. It’s aw sorted…nae bother. Ah telt ye everything wid be fine and it is.”
Wance Helen hid calmed doon, Betty threw a fag o’er tae her. Betty hid a twinkle in her eye that hidnae been there fur a wee while.
“Ye didnae?” Helen said wae a big grin.
“Where the hell dae ye think Ah’ve been fur the last two minutes?” Betty retorted and the pair ae them burst oot laughing.
“So, whit happened?”
“Well, fur a start, he didnae expect me back so early. Since he’s been aff ae his work, he’s usually oot ae his bed, squaring the place up wae his wan good erm, in time fur me coming hame. He thinks that if he kin add up the auld brownie points, Ah’ll gie him the go-aheid tae put a wee line oan at the bookies or maybe allow him doon tae The Grafton fur a wee swally before the last bell at night,” she said.
“And dis it work?”
“Ah’ve let him oot twice since he’s been aff. Ah jist cannae get comfy though…the place is so clean and tidy. Ah’ve warned him no tae expect the place tae be like this wance he’s back at work.”
“Ach, that’s a good man ye’ve goat there, Betty.”
“Anyway, when Ah walked in, he wis lying there, aw pathetic, looking like something oot ae Emergency Ward Ten, blinking at me, aw confused, still trying tae get comfy wae his erm sticking up, covered in plaster. Ah jist said tae him, ‘Stan Ah’ve goat something serious Ah want tae talk tae ye aboot, bit first...’ and wae that, they knickers ae mine clattered oan tae they flairboards beside the bed, sounding like an empty Rover’s biscuit tin hid jist landed fae Mars.”
The baith ae them couldnae stoap laughing fur aboot five minutes efter that. Every time Helen goat her breath back, she jist cracked up again. She kept imagining the sound ae an empty biscuit tin clattering oan tae Betty’s flairboards.
“The things us wummin hiv tae dae tae keep a roof o’er wur heids, eh?” Betty said, taking a puff ae her fag.
“Fur Christ’s sake, Betty, Ah’ve never heard anything so funny in aw ma life,” Helen said, smiling.
“Aye, well, it wis a wee bit awkward, so it wis,” Betty said, a bit mair seriously.
“Whit? Asking aboot the leccy hook-up?” Helen asked, sobering up.
“Christ, naw, trying tae get a right good pumping withoot me breaking Stan’s other erm. Ye’ve jist nae idea. Because he broke the erm above and below his elbow, they’ve goat him in a solid stookie plaster, cast intae an L-shape. His arse wis pumping away like the clappers wae his stookie erm waving aboot above his heid, like a bronco-ing cowpoke, at the same time as him taking aw his weight oan his good wan. That erm ae his wis shaking so hard, Ah wis hauf expecting him tae shout ‘timber’ when he collapsed oan tap ae me,” she said laughing.
“Aw, fur Christ’s sake, Betty, Ah cannae take any mair ae this,” Helen said, howling again.
“Naw, Helen, that wis ma line tae him when Ah wis screaming at him tae hurry the fuck up before that big solid stookie fell doon oan tae ma foreheid.”
“So, whit did he say aboot hooking up the leccy?” she asked, throwing her another fag.
“Thank God, a real job fur me tae dae aroond here.”
“Is that it?”
“That’s it. He jist goat up, hid a piece dipped in dripping and then heided doon tae Rodger The Dodger’s oan St James Road tae see if he kin get a length ae cable. He went aff looking like Pluto, that glaikit-looking dug fae the Disney cartoons…aw because he goat his Nat King Cole fur the first time in two months. Ah widnae tell him, bit Ah really enjoyed masel playing wan ae they horny young nurses fae ‘Emergency Ward Ten’ who’s pumping aw they young hunky doctors.”
“Ur ye decent?” Stan shouted, fae the ootside door.
“Naw, ur we hell,” Betty shouted back.
Wae a wee bit ae footwork, Stan managed tae side shuffle himsel through the kitchen door.
“How ur ye daeing, doll?” he said tae Betty, wae a big sloppy, knowing grin.
Betty wis right, Helen thought…he did look like Pluto. It’s amazing whit a good auld ride will dae fur a man.
“Ah managed tae get some cable,” he said.
“Jimmy’ll dae it when he comes hame, Stan. And listen, Ah’m furever grateful fur this. Ye’ve nae idea whit this means tae us.”
“Christ, Helen, don’t worry aboot it. We’re jist glad that we could be a help. We’ve aw been there, hiven’t we, doll?” he said, looking o’er at Betty.
“Aye, mair times than Ah wid like tae remember. Ur ye sure ye know whit ye’re daeing, Stan?”
“Naw, Ah’m jist gonnae learn oan the job. Two new experiences in the wan day? The boys will be impressed when Ah tell them that.”
“Aye, well, if that’s yer starting point, then ye’re sacked before ye start then,” Betty said, as the three ae them aw laughed.
“Ah kin dae this wae ma eyes shut, so Ah kin.”
“Aye, bit we’re no bothered aboot the eyes, Stan. We’re mair bothered aboot whither ye kin manage it wae that wan erm ae yers stuck up in the air waving aboot like ye’re the Duke ae bloody Edinburgh?”
“Aw Ah’m needing tae dae is take ma two core cable and run it between the two kitchen windaes, making sure oor black and red live wans ur connected tae the same fitting in the deid supply in here. Couldnae be simpler,” said the Duke, waving his gammy erm aboot tae nobody in particular.
“Aw, that’s pure dead brilliant, so it is, Stan,” Helen said, wae genuine appreciation.
“The only thing Ah need is a strong apprentice tae swing that cable fae wan windae tae the other and Bob’s yer uncle.”
“Johnboy! Johnboy! Get up and gie
Stan a haun,” Helen shouted alang the lobby.
“Okay, Ma,” came the sleepy response.
Chapter Fifteen
“Tap left,” Skull said, nodding.
“Whit? The wan right up in the corner?” Tony asked.
“Aye.”
“Okay, you go first, then Johnboy and then me.”
Skull picked up a stane, hardly looked and let fly at the windae. It missed by three panes bit went straight through fourth tae the right.
“Ye’re supposed tae look where ye’re throwing it, ya eejit. Oan ye go, Johnboy.”
Johnboy stood looking fur a second tae get his focus and let fly. The windae didnae know whit hid hit it.
“Ya flukey basturt!” Skull shouted.
“Naw it wisnae…Ah meant that. Ah knew that wis gonnae go in the second it left ma haun.”
“Okay, ma turn,” Tony said, weighing up the stane in his haun.
“Tap right,” Johnboy said, two seconds before Tony sent his stane flying straight through the pane.
“Bingo, ya basturts, ye!” Tony shouted in triumph, daeing a wee dance roond the tree that they wur staunin under.
“Another fluke,” Skull growled, picking up a stane.
“Right, sixth wan in fae the tap left and four doon and hurry the fuck up, Skull. Whit a time ye take.”
“Shut up and stoap trying tae put me aff. Ah know exactly whit ye’re up tae, ya Atalian prick.”
Skull threw his stane straight through the windae.
“How’s that fur a bull’s-eye, ya pair ae knob-ends, eh?”
“Ma erms ur killing me,” Johnboy groaned, gieing his erm a shake.
“So’s mine. We’ll hiv a rest,” Tony said.
“Aw, piss aff, ya pair ae tadgers, ye. Jist when Ah wis getting oan ma stride.”
Johnboy and Tony laughed. Skull wis lucky if he’d scored five bull’s-eyes in total.
“Best ae ten? Who’s first?”
“Naw, ma erms feel like rubber, so they dae.”
