by Ian Todd
“Transistor radios. Everywan wants them these days, including me,” The Big Man said in triumph, looking aroond at Tiny and the blond back-breakers who wur aw eyeing each other up knowingly, delighted that they knew something the boys didnae.
“How much dae they cost?” Tony asked.
“Anything between fourteen and twenty quid,” Tiny chirped in, looking up fae his Guinness wae a big white foamy moustache oan his tap lip.
“A fiver each then?” Tony said.
“Ah’m the crook aboot here. Try again, Mario.”
“Three quid each then?” Tony said.
“Ah’ll tell ye whit Ah’ll dae. Ye’ll get a quid each fur yer standard Perdio PR Twenty Fives, Dansette Gems, Choristers, Dynatron TP Thirties and Pye Q Threes, bit ye’ll get two quid if ye come up wae a KB Rhapsody Deluxe, or even better, a Realtone Globepacer or a Grand Prix GP-nine-o-wan. They’re like hens teeth as they’ve jist newly started tae appear in this country fae America.”
“It’s a deal,” Tony said.
“Ye kin tell if it’s a real Globepacer because there’s a ‘Dial-O-Map’ wae real time zones that pops oot ae the back,” chipped in Tiny.
“A ‘Dial-O-Map?’”
“Aye, a fancy wee map ae the world,” Tiny said, as if he knew whit the fuck he wis talking aboot.
“Er, right, Pat. So, if we kin get ye a whit?”
“Realtone Globepacer, Grand Prix-nine-o-wan or a KB Rhapsody Deluxe.”
“Ye’ll gie us two quid a shot?”
“Aye. Noo, fuck aff. Ah’ve goat a wee bitch who’s running across in the White City that Ah want tae put a line oan.”
And wae that, they wur dismissed.
Jist as they wur aboot tae high-tale it oot ae the place, Shaun, the liberty-taking gorilla, waved them across. He looked as if he wis awready pished.
“Yersel and yer mates, including that wee ugly Skull wan...come roond tae ma cabin at wan o’clock the morra. Don’t keep me waiting,” he slurred.
“Nae bother, Shaun. We’ll be there.”
As Johnboy wis walking oot the door, he said, “Goodnight, Kirsty,” in his maist friendliest grown-up voice that goat a few titters and grunts fae the hounds ae the Baskervilles camped oot at the bar, bit a lovely smile fae the rose who wis pouring a pint. As they went through the swing doors, he noticed that Nancy and her man wur still sticking their tongues doon the throats ae each other in the aff-sales section.
“There’s nae way Ah’m bloody-well gaun roond tae that dookit the morra,” Skull shouted defiantly when they caught up wae him and Joe oan the stable roof.
“Skull, ye don’t hiv any choice. Tell him, Johnboy.”
“Aye, he asked fur ye by name.”
“So, whit did he say then?”
“Remember and tell that wee Mr Magoo he’s tae be there oan the dot,” Tony said, keeping his face straight.
“Fuck him and his wanking brothers. Ah’m still no gaun.”
“Anyway, we’ll deal wae that later. Johnboy is gonnae show us where we kin plank oor dosh. Is that right, Johnboy?”
“Aye, bit we’ll hiv tae heid back doon tae the bottom ae McAslin Street tae get there.”
“Right, let’s go. We’ll tell ye whit wis said oan the way.”
Chapter Sixteen
“Ah’ve jist spotted that Johnboy ae yours, coming doon McAslin Street,” Helen’s maw said tae her. “It’s a wonder ye didnae bump intae him oan route.”
“He wis probably aff hame,” Helen replied.
“He wis wae three other boys…a right sleekit wee bunch, if ye ask me.”
“Whit, they wurnae wearing alter smocks, ye mean?”
“Ah’m jist saying…and anyway, it’s efter nine. Should he no be hame and in his bed at this time?” her maw went oan, looking at the clock. “Ye know whit they say aboot boys and idle hauns.”
“Maw, it’s still light ootside and it’s the school holidays.”
“Aye, well, when you wur his age, ye wur still in yer bed at seven, holidays or no.”
“When Ah wis his age, ma Auntie Jeannie hid me trooping aboot aw o’er the pubs and halls in the Toonhied behind her oan the campaign trail, trying tae get wan last non-voter tae go oot and vote fur her. Ah wis lucky tae be in ma bed by midnight maist nights,” Helen retorted, instantly regretting bringing up Aunt Jeannie’s name as her maw stiffened in her seat. “And anyway, don’t ye worry aboot Johnboy. Ah’ve goat him well in haun, so Ah hiv. He’s feart tae look at me these days, in case he gets grounded. He’s been kept in three times in the past week fur his cheek and it drives him nuts. So, how ur you and Da daeing?”
“Ach, ye know, nothing ever changes aboot here. Dae ye know that Ah’ve served yer da up scrambled egg oan toast wae black pepper every single night fur the past forty five years, including during the war when eggs wur as scarce as hens’ teeth?”
“Aye, ye don’t know how lucky ye ur.”
“Whit? Is Jimmy fussy aboot whit ye’re putting doon in front ae him?”
“Naw, maist ae the time Ah’ve goat sweet F.A. tae gie him when he comes in fae his work, apart fae a stale piece ae bried, fried in dripping.”
“Ach, well, Ah’m sure it keeps him oan his toes, eh?” her maw said as they baith burst oot laughing.
“So, spit it oot, whit’s the joke?” Helen’s da asked, coming intae the room wae The Evening Times tucked up under his erm.
“Hiv ye left that windae open? Ah hope tae God none ae the neighbours hiv tae go intae that cludgie fur at least hauf an hour,” her maw said.
“Ach, serves them right. If they think that’s bad, they should’ve seen whit wur officially classified as shite-hooses fur us heroes tae take a crap in during the war.”
“Aye, well, save us fae oor blushes and change the subject, Colonel Pish-pot,” Helen said.
“Aye, let’s change the subject aboot aw ma heroic escapades that ensured Queen and country could hiv a crap in peace. Hiv ye telt her then?” he said, heidin fur the sink tae wash they hauns ae his.
“Check this oot,” her maw said, sliding a fancy printed pink card across the table tae her. “A big skinny boy in shorts and vest came bounding up the stairs, three at a time, and pushed it through ma letter box. Auld Izzie next door thought she wis getting attacked, the way he shot past her.”
“Ye’ve been invited tae auld Daisy and Bill’s wedding anniversary?”
“How dae ye know that?” they baith asked at wance.
“Aye, me and Jimmy goat an invite tae.”
“Did ye? Oh, that’s different then. We’ll probably go noo,” her maw beamed, looking across at her da.
“Whit? Jist because her and Jimmy ur gaun, ye’re gaun noo?”
“Aye, so whit? A minute ago ye wur in the huff because Ah said Ah wisnae gaun, noo that Ah am, ye’re back in the huff.”
“Ah’ve no mentioned it tae Jimmy yet, so it’s no a hunner percent that we’ll be gaun anyway.”
“He disnae hiv a problem wae Pat Molloy, dis he?” her maw asked, putting oan her best solemn face.
“Jimmy? Naw, Ah don’t think so. It’s jist that we’re skint.”
“Ach, don’t let that put ye aff. Yer da will make sure ye’ve goat enough fur a wee Babycham or two.”
“Nae doubt, Ah kin manage a wee sub as long as it’s paid back…this time.”
“Oh right, brilliant, then we’ll definitely be there,” Helen said, as she picked up the card, feeling better than she hid fur a while.
“It says here that there will be a top country and western band playing aw night and he’s putting oan a wee Bingo session wae first class prizes fur aw us wummin folk,” her maw said, getting hersel aw excited.
“Aye, ye let that wan slip through yer fingers, Helen,” her da said.
“Aw, don’t start spoiling the fun before it’s even started,” Helen retorted, gieing her da a dirty look.
“Well, Ah’m only saying.”
“Ye’re only saying whit?”
“That ye cou
ld’ve been sitting in a fancy hoose, living the life ae Riley, insteid ae sitting up in Montrose Street wae the door coming in tae meet ye.”
“Whit’s this goat tae dae wae us being skint?”
“Ah’m only saying ye could’ve been wae a successful business man.”
“Pat Molloy is a bloody money-lender who breaks people’s legs if they don’t pay up oan time.”
“Aye, Ah heard that rumour tae,” he scoffed under his breath.
“Right, Granda, change the record,” her maw warned, before Helen could come back at him.
“Ah’m still no sure why we wur invited though,” Helen wondered oot loud.
“Probably because ye looked efter auld Bill when Daisy wis ill aw they years ago. Remember?” her maw reminded Helen. “If it hidnae been fur yersel, Bill widnae hiv been able tae go oot tae work.”
“Aye, maybe that’s the reason.”
“Or he’s still goat a wee saft spot fur ye,” her da slipped in.
“Anyway, Ah’ll speak tae ma loving husband, the wan that worships the very ground that Ah walk oan, the faither ae ma weans who’d never, ever, stray and make me look like an eejit by gieing me a showing up in front ae aw ma friends,” Helen said bitterly, staunin up and gieing her maw a kiss before heiding oot the door.
As Helen wis heiding doon the stairs, she could hear her maw getting oan tae her da tae keep his trap shut aboot her and Pat Molloy.
Chapter Seventeen
The lane ran back fae Grafton Street fur aboot a hunner yards before ye came tae the corrugated iron gates. There wis jist enough room fur the lorries tae take the fence posts, reclaimed rafters and wooden fences in and oot again wance they’d been dipped. Oan each side ae the lane there wis a brick wall aboot six feet high. Oan the left, as ye went in fae Grafton Street, wur the back ae the tenements oan Grafton Square and oan the right wur the back ae the hooses at the bottom end ae McAslin Street. Johnboy hid tae tell Skull and Joe tae be quiet and tae stoap farting aboot as they entered the lane, as that squinty-eyed tosser, Crisscross, and that fat Christian wife ae his lived jist o’er the wall oan the right.
“Whit? Crisscross lives o’er here?” Tony asked, pulling himsel up oan tae the wall wae his fingertips and peering o’er.
“Aye.”
“Whit wan?”
“The bottom wan oan the right, in the corner, jist beneath the railings. The boarded-up windae tae the right ae that is the back ae the dairy oan the corner.”
“Whit the fuck is he daeing living here?” Joe asked, taking a peep beside Tony.
“Who knows, bit there’s another three Christian wummin staying there as well. Sometimes Ah used tae come roond and sit oan the wall here, listening tae them aw make a racket, singing Christian songs and knocking hell oot ae tambourines, like nowan’s business.”
“Is that so?” Tony murmured, heaving himsel up fur another wee gander.
“Aye, the Christian wummin wur okay, bit when Crisscross joined in, it always went tae pot. Ah wid’ve sacked him masel bit they mad wummin didnae seem tae mind and they jist chanted louder, aw smiling at each other.”
“Aye, he’s probably riding them aw, the dirty basturt,” Joe sneered, wae a lecherous smile.
“Ah wonder why they’d want tae stay in a dump like this?” Skull asked, using baith erms tae try and reach an itchy bit oan his back, bit failing miserably.
“Dae ye think they keep dosh in the hoose?” Joe wondered.
“Fuck knows, bit they’re always oot wae they cans ae theirs, trying tae cadge money aff ae people who’re always skint. Hiv ye never seen them daeing the roonds ae the pubs?” Johnboy asked them.
“Ahhh, that’s better,” Skull sighed, groaning in delight, as he leaned back against the brick wall, his eyes shut, gently bobbing up and doon tae gie himsel a right good scratch.
“Fur fuck’s sake, Skull. The last time Ah saw that wis when Horsey John and wan ae his auld flea bag nags wur sharing the stable door posts thegither. Baith ae them hid the exact same look oan their coupons as ye’ve goat noo,” laughed Joe.
“Is this it?” Tony asked wance they wur aw staunin in front ae the corrugated double gates.
“Aye, we’ll need tae climb o’er. Ah usually go in o’er the wall fae the back closes in Grafton Square.”
Wance they wur in the yard, they stood looking at the building. It wis square shaped and wis built oan tae the end ae the tenement building. Fae the ground up tae aboot a height ae ten feet it wis made ae the same bricks that surrounded the backs ae the tenements. It didnae hiv windaes bit it hid slatted wooden walls above the brickwork that stretched aw the way aroond it and up as far as the sloping lean-to, slated roof, which let ye see through tae the roof rafters. Where there wis slats missing, tarpaulin covered the gaps. There wis a double door facing them that wis padlocked. In the yard, three big square steel tanks wae steel lids stood aboot four feet deep. Two ae them wur used tae dip the fences, gates and roof rafters that hid been taken oot ae condemned buildings which wur noo being knocked doon. The other wan wis full ae acid stuff that wis used tae strip aff anything that wis covered in paint. Aw Johnboy’s pals knew tae keep well away fae that tank efter wan ae his pals hid haundled a bit ae wood that hid been dipped in it. It hid lifted the flesh straight aff ae Shuggie Martin’s fingers.
“So, how dae we get in then?” Tony asked, efter they’d scrambled o’er the gates.
“Follow me,” Johnboy said, motioning wae his haun, as he walked roond the left haun side ae the building and climbed up the big stack ae wooden pallets that hid been there fur as long as he could remember.
At the tap, he pushed the heavy tarpaulin in towards the inside ae the building and stepped through oan tae whit seemed like a second flair, bit wis in actual fact where the owner hid stacked aw his long roof rafters and other big lengths ae oak. The dummy flair wis aboot twenty feet up fae the ground and set back aboot ten feet fae the front ae the building that hid the double padlocked door oan it. Because ae the slatted walls, ye could see right ootside intae the yard and the gates they’d jist climbed o’er.
“O’er here,” Johnboy whispered in the semi-darkness, walking across the stacked wood tae the back ae the building, stoapping at the brick wall that appeared tae haud everything thegither.
This wall wis a further six feet higher up fae where they wur staunin and ran the length ae the back ae the building and looked doon oan tae McAslin Street.
“Okay, Ah gie in,” Skull said, no impressed.
“Kin ye no see it?” Johnboy asked.
“See whit?” Tony and Joe chimed thegither.
“The stash hole.”
“Ah cannae see a bloody thing,” Skull said, touching the rough wall wae his fingertips, peering aw o’er it.
“Brilliant!” Johnboy said, as he jimmied himsel up oan tae the ledge at the tap. “Up youse come.”
The three who wur left staunin pulled themselves up and intae a sitting position.
“Right, where noo?” Tony asked.
“Ye’re sitting oan it,” Johnboy replied wae a big grin.
The three ae them turned tae the side and looked at the wall that their arses wur plapped oan. It wis a double-layered wall that hid a crevice running the full length ae it. The crevice wis aboot twelve inches deep and aboot four inches wide.
“Bloody brilliant!” Joe said. “Who else knows aboot it?”
“Jist us,” Johnboy replied, as Skull and Tony stood up and walked alang the wall in opposite directions.
“Aye, it’ll dae,” Tony agreed, efter he came back fae exploring. “If we’re gonnae stash oor dosh here, it’ll need tae be at the far end there,” he said, nodding tae where he’d jist come fae.
“Ma da’s goat an auld toffee tin that he keeps his nails in. It’s goat a lid oan it. Ah’ll take it doon and we kin keep the dosh in that,” Joe volunteered.
“We’ve goat two pound eleven bob fur the kitty, so far. Wance Joe gets the tin, that’ll be oor first saving.”
“Wil
l it haud aw the coins, Joe?”
“Aye, it’s long and deep and the lid is really tight oan it.”
Efter another wee look aboot, Johnboy, Tony and Joe jumped doon and went o’er and sat wae their legs dangling o’er the edge ae the dummy flair at the front.
“Where the hell ur we gonnae get trannys fae?” Skull asked oot loud, fae somewhere up in the rafters.
“We’ll need tae move oot ae the Toonheid and go oan the hunt,” Tony replied.
“Where aboot?” Joe asked.
“Ah’m no sure, bit ye know how we jump oan the back ae lorries tae get hudgies aw o’er the place?”
“Aye,” Joe and Skull answered thegither.
“Well, there’s yer answer.”
“Ah’m no even gonnae kid oan Ah know whit ye’re oan aboot, professor,” Skull said, as the others sat watching him swing between two rafters, jist aboot gieing everywan a heart attack when he slipped, then managed tae get a grip ae a nail sticking oot ae the side ae it wae his fingers, so avoiding plummeting tae the concrete flair thirty feet below.
“Fucking brilliant!” Joe said, as the penny drapped.
“Ah’m wae Skull here. Ye’ll need tae gie me a hint ae whit ye’re oan aboot, Tony,” Johnboy said, leaning forward, letting a spit trail oot fae between his lips, interested tae see how long it wid stretch before snapping.
“We jump oan the back ae a BRS or a Taylor’s lorry. It’ll gies us a lift tae other parts ae Glesga, depending oan where it’s heided. Oan route, we keep oor eyes peeled and when we see an electrical shoap, we jump aff and tan it,” Tony said wae a satisfied, ‘Admit it, Ah’m a genius’ look oan that kisser ae his.
Johnboy hid tae admit that he didnae need his erm twisted tae be convinced ae Tony’s genius.
“So, how dae we get back if we don’t know where the fuck we’re gaun?” Skull asked, sticking the needle intae Tony’s hot-air-balloon-plan fae somewhere up in the Gods.
“Skull, trust you, ya tit, ye. Is there anything good aboot ma idea?”
“Ah’m jist saying...”
“Well, jist tell us the better idea ye’ve come up wae.”
