by Ian Todd
“The daft twat still widnae sell, so they fucked aff, threatening tae dae him in at a later date. Within a week the Red Bar doo and the ugly wee Silver Storie that embarrassed them in front ae everywan in the Toonheid wur baith shot wae an air rifle,” Joe said, shaking his heid in disgust, clearly still shocked.
“Fucking filthy pricks!” Skull shouted across towards the cabin, before getting a warning tae keep his voice doon fae baith Tony and Joe.
“There wis nae proof, bit everywan knew who it wis,” Tony continued. “Bit even if they hid seen the Murphys daeing it, there’s nowan aboot here capable ae taking them oan.”
The four ae them hid sat doon in a line oan the cot that ran the length ae the back wall, facing the holar boxes and landing board that the doos launched aff ae inside the cabin. Tae their right, the nesting boxes ran the whole length ae the wall fae flair tae ceiling. Maist ae the boxes hid doos or hens sitting in them. In each pen, there wis a wee wooden block, or a crop, as Skull telt Johnboy later oan, fur the birds tae sit oan and hiv a shite aff ae, as well as wee dishes ae water. Shaun the Basturt and wan ae the twins sat opposite them. Nowan said a word. The brothers stared at them and the boys tried their best tae avoid eye contact. At last, Scarface broke the ice.
“Fur Christ’s sake, Skull. Whit the fuck’s that oan tap ae yer napper?”
“It’s ma Celtic tammy.”
“And whit’s that supposed tae be oan yer back?”
“It wis ma da’s Jags jersey. He’d trials and wis signed up wae them jist efter Ah wis born and goat a shot in the first team. Scored two goals in his first match, so he did.”
“Is that whit it is? And here’s me thinking ye’d jist stepped oot ae a Quality Street box,” Danny, the comedian twin snorted, causing Shaun the Basturt and that wanker ae a brother ae his tae let rip wae guffaws ae merriment between them.
“Aw, c’moan, boys, we’re jist hiving a wee laugh tae break the ice,” Mr Mars Bar Face said, clocking their unsmiling kissers.
“Aye, ma da also flew the doos. There wis nothing he didnae know aboot them…according tae everywan in the Toonheid who knew aboot doos, that is,” said Skull, looking aboot the cabin, wae an unimpressed expression oan that coupon ae his.
Baith Scarface and Danny’s eyes narrowed tae slits immediately. Johnboy’s arse started tae twitch, watching the pair. They baith hid the same look that the wolf hid in the Little Red Riding Hood book he’d read when he wis a wean, as they glared across at Skull.
“Aye, yer da knew his stuff, right enough,” The Scar retorted quietly, under his breath, fae behind clenched teeth.
“It’s a pity he couldnae tell the difference between a scabby diseased doo and a healthy wan, like the rest ae us doo-men though. Is that no right, Shaun?” added Danny.
Ye could’ve heard a pin drap. It wisnae jist Johnboy’s arse that wis twitching. He could hardly breathe, watching the two wolves staring at Skull. When Shaun finally spoke, Johnboy nearly jumped oot ae his good snow-dropped five-o-wans.
“Aye, well, we widnae want tae go there noo, wid we, Danny, eh?” Shaun hissed, the baith ae them still glowering across at Skull, who’d turned back fae watching whit wis gaun oan in the nesting boxes and who wis noo trying, unsuccessfully, tae stare them doon.
“So, whit kin we dae ye fur, Shaun?” Tony suddenly asked, breaking the spell, trying tae change the subject.
“It’s no whit youse kin dae fur us, bit whit we kin dae fur youse, although, dae Ah detect a wee bit ae an attitude problem fae Roy ae the Rovers o’er there?” Shaun growled, nodding towards Skull.
“The Jags, Shaun. Get it right,” Danny Boy said, scaring Johnboy back tae arse-crampsville.
“Naw, naw. We’ve been looking forward tae coming and hivving a wee chat wae youse tae see whit the score is,” Tony lied through they shiny white teeth ae his. “Hivn’t we, boys?” he asked, as everywan, except Skull, nodded like the wee plastic dugs ye wid see regularly, gaun up and doon Parly Road in the back windaes ae Morris Minors and Eleven Hunners.
“Aye, well, Ah’ve goat a wee proposition fur youse up-and-comers. Ye’re under no obligation tae accept as Ah’ve goat a queue a mile long wanting first option, bit it wis The Big Man that wanted tae gie youse a wee haun up, if ye get ma drift.”
The tension seemed tae ease a wee bit and Johnboy’s arse stoapped gurgling as they waited fur Tony tae say something.
“And the price is non-negotiable before we start,” Danny chipped in fur good measure.
“And whit wid that be fur then?” Tony asked.
“We’re moving oot ae here…lock, stock and barrel…tae concentrate oan the loft o’er in Ronald Street. It disnae make sense fur us tae be operating two set-ups,” Scarface announced pleasantly.
Even Skull shifted in his seat at this revelation.
“Aye, we want tae get closer tae oor pal, Flypast,” Funny Fud said, laughing tae himsel, clearly no able tae believe how funny he wis.
“Dis Flypast know?”
“We furgoat tae send him a postcard.”
“So, whit dae ye want fae us then? We’re okay tae gie ye a haun tae shift, so we ur. Isn’t that right, boys?” Tony said oan their behauf.
“Aye,” the rest ae them murmured enthusiastically, sounding as if they couldnae wait tae be invited tae their ain funerals.
“Naw, ye’ve picked us up wrang, ya bampots. We want tae sell the cabin tae youse.”
“Us?” they aw chorused at wance.
“Youse,” confirmed Scarface and Funny Brother in unison.
Silence.
“Well, say something? And remember whit Ah said, the price in non-negotiable.”
“How much?” Tony asked, looking the place up and doon…this time, keener than before.
“It’s a steal at fifty quid.”
“Fifty quid?” the boys aw yelped in unison.
“How much is fifty quid?” Skull asked oot loud.
“Ah think ma da makes aboot thirteen or fourteen quid a week,” Johnboy volunteered.
“Nothing tae a wee bunch ae thieving shitehooses like youse,” Shaun cooed, a big wolf’s grin appearing oan that scarred coupon ae his.
“We’ve only goat two quid odd in the kitty so far.”
“See, youse ur saving awready. That shows ye know the value ae money.”
“Forty quid…plus,” Tony said, speaking tae Shaun.
“Ah telt youse, nae negotiating,” Danny The Prick scowled, no laughing noo.
“Plus whit?” the greedy basturt asked, ignoring his baby brother.
“Ye throw in a pair ae hens and a pair ae doos each and we get tae pick wan ae the hens and wan ae the doos oorselves. Plus...”
“See youse, ya wee fucking crumbs? Ah’ve a good mind tae sling youse aw oot ae that fucking door…heid first,” snarled Happy Jack, glowering at them.
“Haud yer wheesht, Danny! Let the wee Tally wan finish.”
“Plus, we get access tae a horse and cart aff ae Horsey John oan the hoose.”
Johnboy held his breath. They’d gone back tae being able tae hear a pin drap, or should that be, tae hearing doos shiting aff ae their wee crops. The brothers looked at the boys and this time, the boys looked straight back. Johnboy could tell Funny Brother wanted tae kick their arses and be done wae it.
“Ye kin hiv wan doo and wan hen each ae yer choice fae the bottom row ae nesting boxes there,” he said, nodding towards the cages as aw their heids swung roond tae hiv a wee shifty. “The wans above them ur no included. Ye kin get a horse and cart fae Horsey John oan a Monday or a Tuesday, bit ye’ll pay the full whack ae ten bob fur the day. And the price fur the cabin is forty five quid.”
“We’ll settle fur jist the wan doo and a hen and we’ll pay five bob a day fur a horse and cart oan the Monday or Tuesday till we pay aff the cabin and it’s still forty quid…and we won’t help youse tae shift either,” Tony added, putting oan his friendliest ae smiles, as Johnboy, Skull and Joe still continued tae haud their breaths.
; They could tell that Danny Boy wis still no biting. He wis watching Shaun, jist as the boys wur. It wis a battle ae minds…good o’er evil. At first, the boys thought that they wur hearing things.
“It’s a deal, bit ye’ve only goat four weeks tae pay aff the forty quid at a tenner a week.”
“We’ll pay a score at two weekly intervals. That’s aw we’ll need tae get oor hauns oan that kind ae dosh,” Tony bragged.
“If youse miss wan payment, we’ll revert tae a weekly payment plan and ye get hit wae the multiple standard interest rate,” Shaun, their new pal, advised.
“It’s a deal,” Tony said.
“Aw, fur fuck’s sake, Shaun!” the laughing twin wailed, no laughing noo.
The boys didnae gie a right tit’s fuck. They crowded roond Tony, slapping his back while staunin o’er the cages looking at the startled hens and doos.
“You pick whit we want, Skull,” Tony said tae him, the presence ae the Murphy’s furgoatten aboot in aw the excitement.
Chapter Twenty
“Right, girls and boys,” Sally Sally shouted fae the kitchen.
JP and Crisscross let the lassies pass through the living room door first, before following them through tae the kitchen. Wae Crisscross, it wis politeness, bit wae JP, it meant that he could get a good swatch ae they unspoilt Christian arses in they tight uniforms ae theirs.
“My word, Sally, whit a fine spread ye’ve put oan, hen. Ah hope this isnae jist fur me?” JP said, drooling fae they whiskery chops ae his.
“It’s aw thanks tae you and the good Lord, bless his soul, that we’ve goat a fine spread ae meat oan oor plates the night, Daddy,” beamed the probationary lieutenant. “Girls, you sit o’er, in at the back against the wall and Crisscross, Daddy and me will sit oan this side. Ah’ll hiv the chair nearest tae the cooker and sink.”
“You’ll say the grace, Crisscross?” asked Anita, as Morna, Kathy, Sally and JP bowed their heids and shut their eyes.
“Bless us, oh Lord, fur these thy gifts that we’re aboot tae receive, especially the lovely wee bit ae brisket and aw the other piles ae meat in oor fridge that ye graciously brought tae oor poor wee hoose and table via brother JP. We thank ye because we know that there ur hunners ae poor wee starving weans oot there in Africa that hivnae even seen a coo, let alone hiv a whiff ae whit we’re aboot tae eat, enjoy and receive. Amen.”
“Amen,” they aw cried.
“So, tell me, girls, how ur ye getting oan wae yer latest drive?” JP asked them, though he wis looking across at Anita, who gied him a hard-on when he heard the russle ae that black skirt ae hers and the flutter ae that purple ribbon tied tae her bonnet everytime she spoke tae him oan the street when he wis oot daeing the roonds ae his constituents.
“Och, fine. We’ve been out every night for the past four weeks visiting all the bonny wee pubs up and down Parly Road and Cathedral Street,” replied Morna.
“Och, aye, my feet are killing me, but it’s for a worthwhile cause and my feet are not as sore as the sweet Lord Jesus’s were,” chirruped Kathy, who couldnae wait tae get tae heaven tae tell everywan how good she wis.
“And everyone has been so generous, even the horrible smelly drunk ones who keep insisting I give them a kiss before they’ll slip something into that wee tight slot o mine,” Anita said, as JP jist aboot choked oan the burnt crust ae his roast tottie.
“Aye, I chust can’t believe the amount of little bairns that are hanging aboot playing outside the pubs late at night though,” said Kathy. “I mean, you would think they’d be at home, all bathed, in their pyjamas and put into their beds before the pubs come out.”
“Aye, it’s a shame…they jist spoil it fur everywan,” Sally agreed, stuffing hauf a roast tottie and a thick wedge ae brisket dipped in gravy intae that cherub face ae hers.
“Kin ye no dae anything aboot it, Crisscross?” JP asked, taking the opportunity tae impress Anita oan how influencial he could be.
“Aye, well, it’s no as easy as it may seem. Maist ae these wee tinkers know their rights and if they don’t, their maws certainly will.”
“There was a wee ugly crater of a bairn with a Celtic hat on his head, wearing what looked like an old ripped rugby shirt. If it wasn’t for Sally here, he would have been away with my satchel o War Crys,” Morna cried oot, obviously still traumatised by the incident.
“Yes, when I grabbed him by the scruff, he claimed he only wanted to sell them over at Parkhead on Saturday at the game and it was his intention to bring back the ones he hadn’t sold, along with the money, would you believe?”
“Aye, that wid be Skull. A right wee sticky-fingered wan, that wan,” chipped in Crisscross. “He’s always wearing that Celtic tammy and his da’s auld Jags jersey.”
“Jags?”
“Partick Thistle. His auld man used tae play fur Partick Thistle back in the fifties jist before Jimmy McGrory ae Celtic wis aboot tae sign him up.”
“Ach, his best days wur well behind him,” JP snorted.
“So, what became of him?” Morna asked.
“He wis a lippy wee sweetie, jist like that boy ae his. He ended up getting intae a fight wae somewan bigger than himsel and came oot ae it second best,” JP scowled.
“Aye, he ended up wae severe brain damage and never kicked a baw again,” Crisscross agreed. “Aw self-inflicted due tae that big mooth ae his, of course.”
“Aw Ah kin say, girls, is that the work ye’re daeing fur aw they wee African weans will no go un-noticed,” piped in JP, changing the subject as he smacked his chops loudly.
“Och, we’re not doing it to get noticed, JP. We’re doing it because we care and it’s the Lord’s work,” Anita said, fluttering they sexy Christian eye-lids at him as he tried unsuccessfully tae catch the dribble ae gravy that ran aff ae that chin ae his and oan tae his good masonic club tie.
“So, whit hiv youse lovely ladies goat coming up?” asked JP, dragging his eyes away fae the saucy Madonna sitting opposite him. “Crisscross said youse ur thinking ae daeing a wee live concert up in Grafton Square soon. Is that right?”
“Aye, we’re gonnae get the band up oan tae the square tae entertain aw the new folk that hiv jist moved in recently,” Sally replied through a moothful ae cabbage.
“Och, I heard there’s very few of them speak English like us,” Kathy chipped in.
“Aye, the majority ur Pakis who wur chipped oot ae somewhere in East Africa. At least that’s whit Ah wis telt,” JP informed them.
“When I spoke to Sherbet, he told me they were Asian,” Morna volunteered.
“What’s the difference?” asked Anita.
“Och, of that, I’m not sure,” Morna admitted.
“Bit, at least they’ve been tae Africa. Kin ye imagine? Anyway, Ah’ve spoken tae Captain Bellow and he thinks it’s a great idea. We might even get some ae the new wummin folk tae join oor wee congregation and maybe even sell some ae oor War Crys amongst their neighbours or even roond the pubs, wance we’ve goat tae know them a bit better,” Sally enthused.
“Ah think that’s a stoating idea. Whit dae ye think yersel, Crisscross?” JP asked his son-in-law.
“Ah’m no sure that they’re Christian, JP, although it widnae dae any harm tae introduce a wee bit ae the auld Christian soldier songs intae their lives.”
“Well, gie me a shout if ye need anything, ladies. Ah’m always there fur youse,” JP said, as aw the lassies beamed at him. “And if that’s a spare cheeky wee roast tottie gaun a-begging that Ah kin spot fae here, Ah kin always be persuaded tae gie it a good hame.”
Chapter Twenty One
“How ur we gonnae work it then?” Joe asked Tony, as the four ae them hung aboot, across the road fae Sherbet’s.
They’d been staunin ootside the shoap until Sherbet hid appeared wae his baseball bat and telt them tae fuck aff.
“Whit? Getting intae Sherbet’s?”
“Naw, getting oor hauns oan some trannys.”
“We nip roond tae St James’s Road, grab a hud
gie and heid aff. Remember…keep yer eyes peeled fur electrical shoaps that hiv cameras in the windaes. Where there’s cameras, ye’ll find trannys. Skull, you go wae Joe and Ah’ll take Johnboy,” Tony said.
“So, when will we meet up then?” Skull asked, bending doon tae gie Elvis a wee clap oan his heid efter he arrived oan the scene wae his tail wagging.
“We’ll see each other the morra at Horsey John’s aboot wan o’clock.”
“Okay, that sounds awright tae me,” said Joe.
“Noo, remember, it’s trannys we’re efter. Don’t come back wae any other shite…hiv ye goat that, Skull?”
“Well, it’s nae use us trying tae get a hudgie fae the same spot. We’ll heid up tae Glebe Street and try and nab a lift up there fae wan ae the Taylor lorries,” Joe said, using the flat sole ae his sandshoe tae gie Skull a wee push face first oan tae the pavement, as everywan bit Skull laughed.
“Joe, ya prick, ye…that wisnae funny,” wailed Skull.
“Aye it wis.”
“Okay, we’ll heid roond tae the lights. Who’s goat the two bob fur the bus fares?” Tony asked them.
“Ah hiv,” said Joe, flicking it up and catching it.
“Heids,” Skull shouted, jumping up.
“Tails, ya prick,” Joe retorted, laughing, as he flashed the coin at Skull before the pair ae them walked aff up McAslin Street, argueing o’er whether Jock Stein wis the best thing since slice breid or no.
“See youse the morra,” Skull shouted, turning roond and waving, as him and Joe passed Rattray’s bike shoap.
Johnboy and Tony turned left oan tae St James Road, passed the wee tobacconist’s oan their left and heided towards the traffic lights oan the corner.
“Noo, remember, Johnboy…jist follow me. The only thing ye hiv tae remember is...if ye hiv tae jump aff when he’s moving, wait until ye hear him changing gear...preferably when he’s changing doon.”
“How will Ah know that?”
“Ye jist will, and anyway, Ah’ll be daeing everything first, so jist follow whit Ah dae and ye’ll pick it up.”
Efter aboot five minutes, they spotted their taxi coming up o’er the hill oan Dobbies Loan. They’d crossed Parly Road so they could staun oan the other side fae where Paul hid been staunin oan the night that they’d tanned the tobacconist’s.
