by Ian Todd
“See, Ah telt youse, he hisnae a clue.”
They aw looked at Tony, who stood there knowingly, smiling at them.
“Look o’er here,” he said, walking up tae the edge ae the canal and pointing.
Oan baith sides ae The Nolly, if ye looked really close, ye could see two stacks ae wooden pallets, tied thegither wae ropes, bobbing aboot in the water, amongst aw the other shite.
“Ah’m looking, bit aw Ah see is dirty water and auld prams,” Skull said.
“Right, whit ye’re seeing is baith ends ae a wee bridge. Kin ye see how the pallets ur tied oan tae the metal loops oan the stane at the tap, oan the other side?”
“Oh, aye,” Joe said, no knowing whit the fuck Tony wis oan aboot.
“Well, whoever’s built the bridge his turned the pallets in sideways. Whit we hiv tae dae is swing them roond, oot the way, so they’re facing intae The Nolly, and then...”
Tony walked o’er tae the grass at the back ae the wire company depot, bent doon and picked up two big thick planks.
“...put wan ae these planks between us and that auld car that’s jist under the surface ae the water, then use the second plank fae the roof ae the car oan tae the pallets oan the other side…and hey presto, we’ve goat oorsels a wee bridge.”
Silence.
Nowan spoke fur a good minute. Aw they could hear wis the sound ae birds and the distant rumble ae cars and lorries driving o’er the wooden bascule bridge in the distance which took ye fae Glebe Street up oan tae Pinkston Road. Tae Johnboy, it wis like the scene when Moses parted the water in the film, The Ten Commandments. It wis pure dead brilliant, so it wis.
“Where did aw this come fae?” Joe asked, wae a sweep ae his haun towards the pallets.
“Ah don’t know. Ah spotted it the other day when Ah wis up here, following Horsey John and Tiny.”
“Whit the fuck wur they daeing up here?” Skull asked oan behauf ae Johnboy and Joe.
“Ah followed them because they wur carrying a sack. Ah thought they wur maybe gaun tae hide some goodies, bit it wisnae whit Ah thought it wis.”
“So, whit wis it?” Johnboy asked.
“They came up here and slung the sack intae The Nolly. Christ only knows how they didnae clock me. Bit, anyway…wance they’d pissed aff, Ah managed tae fish it oot ae the water.”
“And?” Skull demanded, impatiently, spreading his hauns, his face twisted like a dafty.
“It wis full ae kittens.”
“Kittens?”
“Aye, there wur six ae them.”
“Dirty basturts!”
“Aye, Ah wisnae too sure whit tae dae wae them and then Ah noticed oor wee bridge set-up here. It took me a while tae work oot whit it wis at first, bit wance Ah did, Ah goat the kittens across and set them free oan the other side.”
“Aye, the stable cats ur always popping oot kittens. This is obviously where the basturts come tae droon them,” Joe said, looking up and doon the canal.
“No wanting tae change the subject, bit Ah cannae swim,” Skull announced, peering fearfully o’er the side ae the canal wall tae the mucky water below.
“Stoap whining like a wee lassie, Skull. Who the fuck kin swim? Ah know Ah cannae, and Ah’m no intending tae start learning noo,” Joe said, pushing Skull towards the water.
“Tony, Ah think it’s brilliant, so it is. And Ah kin swim,” Johnboy said, tae the other two.
“Kin ye?” Skull and Joe said at wance, looking at Johnboy the same way they’d aw jist looked at Tony when he’d shared his discovery wae them.
“Aye, Ah learned when Ah wis a wee snapper.”
“Whit’s it like then?” Skull asked him.
“Whit?”
“Being able tae swim.”
“It’s like…if the two ae youse don’t pick up a plank each while Ah swing roond the pallets oan this side, ye’ll baith get a lesson oan whit it’s like,” Tony said tae them, then turned tae Johnboy.
“And you, Flipper...Ah’ll haud the pallets at this end steady. Ye jump doon oan tae them while Dafty and Dafter, o’er there, push the plank oot intae the canal towards the car roof…minding tae keep their weight oan it at this end at the same time,” he said, glaring at them.
“Whit if Ah fall in?” Johnboy asked doubtfully, peering o’er the edge.
“Then swim, ya diddy, ye!” Skull shouted, tae laughter fae the other two.
Johnboy jumped doon oan tae the first pallet, using his hauns oan the canal wall tae steady the wobble in his legs. He then swivelled the pallets roond so the two longest pallets that wur tied thegither ended up jutting oot intae the water. It wis wobbly as fuck. Joe and Skull pushed the plank oot o’er the side fae the edge. Johnboy took the weight and pulled while they pushed.
“Noo, make sure the other end is o’er the tap ae the car roof, Johnboy.”
“Ah’m no sure it’ll haud oor weight,” Johnboy squealed, feeling the pallets under his feet wobble and start tae sink.
“Johnboy, get oan wae it, ya prick, ye,” Skull shouted as him and Joe continued tae laugh.
Johnboy thought that he’d goat it first time, bit the weight ae the plank oan the other side drapped it intae the water aboot two inches short ae the car.
“Pull back, ya pair ae fud-pads, ye,” Tony shouted, as they heaved it back aboot hauf way.
“Don’t bother tae gie’s a haun here, Tony. We’ll manage oorsels,” Skull said sarcastically.
“Right, go!” Tony shouted, as Johnboy wobbled like a drunken jakey wae his shoes four inches under the water.
This time, Johnby goat a connection and the plank landed oan the edge ae the roof. He wis jist aboot tae clamber back oot when Tony stoapped him in his tracks.
“And where the hell dae ye think ye’re gaun?” Tony barked at him.
“Ma feet ur soaking. Ah’ll need tae come oot.”
“Seeing as yer feet ur awready soaking, nip across tae the car roof and shove this other plank oan tae the other pallets, withoot the plank drapping back intae the water. The plank will need mair than the two inches this plank is sitting oan,” Tony advised.
Johnboy looked at him, and then at the other two, who baith looked back, grinning.
“Knobs!” Johnboy muttered, turning tae face the plank.
“Aye, so ur we, Johnboy! Noo, hurry up and dae whit ye’re telt,” Joe sang, fair enjoying himsel.
Johnboy picked up the second plank. He could feel the plank under his feet sagging, the further he goat oot intae the middle.
“Ah’m no sure aboot this,” he whinged.
“Hurry up, Johnboy, and stoap yer whining, ya whinger, ye,” Skull shouted tae guffaws fae the other two.
“Ah don’t know whit the fuck ye’re laughing at, Skull. Ye’re next,” Tony said drily.
“Fur Christ’s sake, don’t make me laugh,” Johnboy shouted, still wobbling like he wis daeing the twist.
When he goat tae the car roof, he noticed the distance between him and the pallets oan the other side wis no as wide as the first part ae the bridge. Efter a few false starts, he managed tae connect the plank tae the pallets. Efter another wobbly, bouncing run, he landed oan the pallets oan the other side. He then turned the coupled bobbing pallets lengthways, until they wur facing oot intae the canal. He pulled the plank further towards himsel until it wis securely oan the pallet.
“That wis wan ae the scariest things Ah’ve ever done,” he shouted.
“Right, sling o’er the fish boxes,” Tony said tae the other two, ignoring Johnboy’s hint fur a wee bit ae praise.
Johnboy darted and ducked oot ae the way as the boxes came flying o’er, landing aw roond aboot him.
“Right, Skull…whitever ye dae, jist keep yer eyes straight aheid ae ye, and don’t look doon,” Johnboy said encouragingly, as Skull wobbled oan tae the plank. “Oh, and ignore the wee crabs, it’s only the big wans that bite.”
“There’s no way Ah’m stepping oan tae that sinking plank,” Skull yelped, jumping back oan tae the pallets.
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“Oot ae ma way, Skull, ya wee shitebag,” Joe said, as he pushed by him and hauf walked, hauf ran across the two planks, followed by Tony, ten seconds later.
“Is he serious aboot the crabs?” Skull whined at Tony fae the other side.
“Skull, get the fuck across here or we’ll leave ye behind,” Tony warned him.
Skull took a deep breath and imitated Joe and Tony’s quick hauf run wobble. He managed the first and second planks okay, bit jist when he wis aboot tae place a fitba boot oan tae the pallets oan the far side ae the second plank, Joe let oot a howling shriek.
“Christ’s sake, Skull, watch oot fur that big fucking crab!”
Wae that, Skull landed in the water. It didnae happen in slow motion like ye saw in the films, Johnboy thought tae himsel. Skull submerged like a thrown javelin and shot up like a dart. Wan second his Celtic tammy seemed tae be floating in amongst aw the rubbish and the next he wis wearing it again.
“Help! Help me, ya basturts!” he spluttered, flailing his erms, surrounded by aw the shite ae the day, as Tony bent doon and grabbed him by the scruff ae the neck and dragged him oot.
“Joe, ya dirty basturt, ye. Ah’m gonnae kill ye fur that, ya fucking wanking tadger, ye,” he wailed, spluttering like a wet dug.
“Aw, shut up, Skull. Ah wis only kidding ye. Kin ye no take a joke?”
While they wur arguing wae each other, Tony and Johnboy heided back and repeated the process by pulling the planks oan tae their side ae the canal so as no tae leave a trace ae their bridge.
“Right, let’s go and check oot how we’re gonnae get oor hauns oan some briquettes,” Tony shouted, interrupting the blazing argument that wis in full flow.
When they goat tae the wall, Joe put his back tae it and held oot his hauns, clasped thegither. Wance Tony wis up, he stepped o’er the barbed wire and spent a few minutes jist looking up and doon, figuring oot their next move.
“Right, Ah’ve goat it. Up youse come and start slinging the boxes o’er.”
“Ah’m gonnae get you fur that, Joe, ya poxy basturt, ye,” Skull whinged, shivering in the sun, as they climbed their way up oan tae the tap ae the wall, while Tony drapped doon the other side, intae the yard.
There wur mountainous square blocks ae briquettes as far as the eye could see, aw stacked neatly. Each block wis aboot fifty yards square. The blocks nearest the plant building hid steam gently rising aff the tap ae them. They’d obviously jist been made earlier in the day.
“Right, here’s whit we hiv tae dae. Jump doon here and we’ll make steps oot ae briquettes up against the wall. Wance we get the steps high enough, we’ll put the briquettes intae each box and dump them o’er the other side. Hiv youse goat that noo?” Tony asked.
“Nae bother.”
“Aye.”
“And mind yer baws oan that barbed wire. Ah’ve either goat a bad drip or wan ae ma sacks his jist sprung a leak,” he said, scratching his crotch.
Efter taking wan ae the long sides aff ae each ae the fish boxes, it wis a dawdle. They lifted the briquettes six at a time and drapped them intae the box. A dozen briquettes fitted perfectly. It took them aboot hauf an hour tae build their steps under Tony’s directions. They wur quiet at first, bit it soon became obvious that nowan could hear or see them. The patter, whinging and whining between Skull and Joe soon hid them aw in stitches.
“Right, Skull, you up oan tap. Johnboy, you’re in the middle and me and Joe will dae the filling ae the boxes fae doon here,” Tony said.
Fur the next couple ae hours, they worked oan the line wae boxes being passed up full and slung back doon empty. Skull and Johnboy took turns ae shifting aboot when Johnboy’s erms goat sore. They jist slid the briquettes oot ae the boxes o’er the tap ae the wall. By the time they wur finished, they wur able tae step aff ae the tap ae the wall oan tae the stack they’d made and scramble doon oan tae the ground.
“Right, aw we hiv tae dae noo is start shifting them o’er tae the edge ae The Nolly, next tae oor wee bridge…and we’re done,” Tony said.
There wis nae moaning as they aw set aboot shifting the briquettes, probably due tae the fact that they wur aw knackered. They carried two boxes o’er tae the canal every journey, each containing two dozen briquettes. The smell ae fish aff the boxes wis long gone.
“Make sure ye lay them flat,” Tony shouted efter them. “We don’t want any thieving basturts tae see them fae the other side before we collect them in the morning.”
“How much hiv we goat then?” asked Skull.
“Ah reckon aboot eighty dozen,” said Tony.
“So, whit’s the profits gonnae be then?”
“The other guys who take oot the horses and carts charge wan and ninepence a dozen, so we’ll charge wan and a tanner,” Joe said.
“Eighty times wan and six comes tae...comes tae...” Skull said, looking at the sky above Johnboy’s heid, wae his eyebrows bobbing up and doon, while at the same time, coonting furiously wae they fingers ae his, like wan ae they contestants oot ae ‘Double yer Money’ or ‘Open the Box’. “...six quid, less five bob, means we’ll get five pound, fifteen bob profit,” he declared wae a smug look oan his face.
“Jeez, Skull. That wis quick,” Johnboy said, clearly impressed.
“Aye, bit it disnae sound right tae me,” Joe said doubtfully.
“Believe you me, ya dumb monkey-nut, ye…Ah goat it right first time, nae sweat. Isn’t that right, Tony?”
“Where dis the ‘less five bob’ cum fae then?” Joe demanded tae know.
“The price ae the hire ae the horse and cart.”
“Ah’ll let ye aff.”
“Wow, Ah cannae believe we’re gonnae make that amount ae dosh,” Johnboy said, in wonder, black as two in the morning and covered in coal dust.
“Right, first thing the morra morning, you and Skull heid up here, Joe. Me and Johnboy will pick up the horse and cart and bring it up tae the road-end and we’ll get loaded up. Awright?”
Jist before Johnboy left them at the bottom ae North Wallace Street tae heid hame, a squad ae the Toonheid Toi boys, who wur spray painting graffiti oan the auld toll building at the lights oan the corner ae Parly and St James’ Road, turned and gied them a warm welcome.
“Fuck’s sakes, watch oot, boys, the baby Black and White Minstrel Show his come tae toon efter walking a million miles.”
“How’s yer maaammy, maaammy?” wan ae them howled, shaking his hauns, palms held ootwards taewards them.
“Gie’s wan ae yer famous maaammy smiles.”
“Lick ma shitey Catholic arsehole, ya Proddy pricks, ye,” Skull shouted back at them.
Chapter Twenty Six
“Ah don’t think we should try and get a grip ae him in front ae his mates,” Crisscross murmured, taking another wee peek oot ae the closemooth entrance.
“Aye, we’ll need tae nip him where we cannae be seen talking tae him or people might get ideas,” The Sarge agreed.
They wur watching the wee fat grass walking doon Parson Street towards them wae four ae his mates jist before the five ae them disappeared intae wan ae the closes.
“Ah think he’s oan his way hame, if ye ask me. Whit dae ye think?”
“Aye, there’s a good possibility ae that. Let’s nip up his close and we’ll see if he turns up,” The Sarge replied as they exited the closemooth they wur in and nipped doon intae Taylor Street.
When they arrived at the wee fat boy’s closemooth, they heided up tae the middle landing between the ground and second flair and peered oot ae the broken stairheid windae tae see whit wis gaun oan. They saw the boys walking diagonally across the back court in their direction.
“Here, hiv a look at this,” Crisscross said, nodding his heid jist o’er tae the left ae where the boys wur.
“Whit?”
“Kin ye no see it?”
“See whit?”
“The scabby doo fluttering aboot in the puddle.”
“Oh, aye. Ah wonder whit’s wrang wae it.”
&
nbsp; “Probably a broken wing.”
The boys hidnae seen the doo at first and walked past it. It wisnae moving. It looked as if it hid sensed the danger. Wan ae the boys suddenly bent doon and picked something up. It wis then that he spotted the doo as it started tae flutter and walk aboot in circles, dragging its wing in its wake through the puddle.
“Look at that, Alex!” The Sarge and Crisscross heard the boy say tae Fat Boy who stoapped and turned.
“A scabby doo!” Fatty shouted in glee, as him and his mates walked o’er tae see whit the score wis.
“Aye, its wing’s goosed,” they heard wan ae them say.
“Right, listen up,” Fatty announced, walking away fae the puddle, putting wan foot in front ae the other, toe tae heel and heel tae toe, coonting up tae twenty before turning. “Here’s the rules…nowan is allowed tae go beyond this line,” he said, dragging the toe ae his shiny shoe across the dirt.
“Aw, brilliant!”
“Get yer stanes!” Fatty shouted, as they aw scattered in different directions, collecting bits ae broken bricks, slates and debris fae the back court.
“Me first!” Fat Boy screamed, as he launched a hauf brick that missed the doo by aboot a quarter ae an inch bit covered it in an explosion ae dirty water.
“Ach, never mind, Alex. If you cannae stone it tae death, ye kin always try tae droon it.”
The next stane tae be let loose struck it oan its injured wing, the force ae the blow sending it tumbling through the water.
“Is it deid then?” wan ae them asked, clearly disappointed.
“Naw, here it comes,” Fatty said, pointing as the doo struggled tae its feet.
Four large stanes later and it still hidnae been hit.
“Five points tae the next wan that gets it,” an ugly wee toothless fairy shouted.
“Ma turn!” Fatty shouted and let fly.
The stane caught it oan the side ae the heid and the doo disappeared under the water.
“Aw, fuck’s sake, Alex!” whined Toothless, “Ah wanted another shot.”
They stood looking at the puddle, bit there wis nae movement. They walked o’er tae hiv a closer look. Jist when they goat tae the puddle, the doo stood up, shook its heid and started tae move away fae them, dragging its gammy wing behind it.
