by Ian Todd
“Oh aye, Ah think he wants me tae make sure there’s plenty ae drink coming up fae the cellar. He’ll still be wheeling and dealing and needing a runner oan the night as well, Ah suppose,” Calum said, swinging a leg oan tae the cart and then stretching his fingers towards his toes.
Jessie wis starting tae get restless and kept looking roond tae see whit wis happening.
“Awright, Calum, thanks fur that,” Tony said, lifting the reins and gieing Jessie a wee tap oan the arse tae move her oan up the street.
By the time they reached the corner ae Grafton Street, they’d sold another seven dozen briquettes.
“Right, Ladies and gentlemen, this spot will be perfect. Gaither roond in a semi-circle, facing the hooses o’er there,” Sally Sally said, pointing tae the curved sweep ae the tenements oan Grafton Square.
The brass band members started tae take their instruments oot ae their cases and set up.
“Is that no terrible?” Mary said.
“Aye, imagine the shock he felt when he discovered it hid been pinched?” responded Hannah.
“It jist goes tae show ye that thieving gits ur nae respecters ae wan’s religion.”
“Ah mean, trumpets ur a fair price compared tae oor wee tambourines here,” Hannah said, gieing her tambourine, wae its coloured steamers, a wee shake and a rattle.
“And they lips ae his.”
“Ah know, whit a waste.”
“Ah don’t mean that.”
“Whit aboot them?”
“Did ye no see the way they wur quivering when he walked through intae the main hall wae his empty case and announced that his good bit ae brass hid gone AWOL in the night?”
“Aye, it’s a shame, so it is. Ah wis gonnae go o’er and gie him a wee cuddle bit the last time Ah did that wis the day he buried his Marjory and the dirty bugger wis never away fae that door ae mine efter that.”
“Ladies, less chatter and mair action, if ye don’t mind. That’s right, chaps, o’er here a wee bit,” Sally Sally cooed, shuffling the trumpet section and the quivering-lipped bugler intae the middle, keeping the tuba oot oan the left flank and the oboe section o’er tae the right.
“It’s jist as well he kept an auld spare wan at hame, so it is,” Mary whispered tae Hannah.
“Whit, another wummin?”
“Naw, another bugle.”
“Right, we’ll hiv the trombone o’er oan the right and the two triangles oan the left followed by…last bit not least…the tambourines.”
People hid started tae peer oot ae their windaes and set up shoap oan their windae sills, tae see whit wis gaun oan. Aw the weans fae the hooses wur aw running aboot being chased by dugs ae every description, size and colour.
Captain Bellow stood in front ae the band, white conductor’s stick gripped in his left haun and a bible in the other as Sally Sally hurried tae get intae line, clutching her tambourine.
“Aye, it’s a fine group ae missionaries we hiv staunin here the day. And mair than a few wee pretty wans at that…” The Captain bellowed, startling the dugs and the weans as aw the female missionaries either jist aboot fainted wae pleasure or cried oot ‘Praise the Lord!’
“...and jist before we start this wee bit ae God’s work here the day, Ah wid jist like tae take this opportunity tae thank Probationary Lieutenant Sally Cross fur her ootstanding organisational skills in putting aw this thegither. Thank ye, Lieutenant,” he said, gieing a glowing Sally Sally a wee bow.
Sally Sally turned and shyly accepted the clapping and acknowledgement fae her Christian warriors by rushing back oot in front ae them and gieing a wee modest speech.
“Ah wid jist like tae say that although it wis ma idea, ma good Christian sisters, Morna, Anita and Kathleen, who’ve came aw the way fae Tain, up there in the wilds ae the Highlands, hiv been a really big support in setting this up the day. Since first coming tae lodge wae masel and that fine man ae mine’s, Lieutenant Cross, they’ve been an inspiration. If it wisnae fur their love ae the Lord and being able tae accept guidance in good grace, Ah don’t think we’d be in a position…so a wee church mouse his secretly informed me…tae announce that we’re wan ae the front runners, tipped tae win the nineteen sixty five ‘Feed And Clothe The Needy African Children’ shield,” she squealed excitedly.
That wis enough fur the band members tae aw take the opportunity tae clap and sling in a few wee ‘Thank you, Lords’ as Sally Sally took another few wee bows before returning tae her place in the band.
“There she goes…Probationary Lieutenant Cross…as modest as ever. Well, if she’s too shy tae tell everywan aboot her good work, we’ll tell the world aboot it oan her behauf. We’re proud tae hiv ye as a sister in the good work ae the Lord. Noo, before we start oor wee missionary session here the day, Ah wid jist like tae ask ye aw tae bow yer heids in prayer,” Captain Bellow bellowed. “Lord, we might no always get it right aw ae the time, and maybe we don’t always get it right maist ae the time, bit who needs tae go tae Africa or other foreign lands tae dae a wee bit ae missionary work, when ye see the lovely and beautiful gentle folk who’ve recently come amongst us o’er the past year tae eighteen months. They might no be able tae see ye in person, bit Ah’m sure, wae oor help, yer presence here the day will bring strength and joy tae everywan in this here community. Us soldiers ae Christ ur here oan yer behauf…tae share yer love, yer affection and, mair importantly, tae show the people looking doon upon us that there’s only wan true God, and through oor lead, help them tae recognise the joy that could be theirs if they wid only open their eyes and hearts and come and join us as we march forward towards thy kingdom and thy glory…Amen.”
“Amen.”
“Praise the Lord.”
“Jesus is Good.”
“Right, ladies and gentlemen, efter three, we’ll jump straight intae ‘Onward Christian Soldiers.’ Wan, two, three...”
Depending oan who ye spoke tae efter that eventful sunny efternoon up in Grafton Square, probably determined the answer ye goat as tae whose dug kicked the party aff fur real. When Johnboy hid later lugged intae the arguements between his ma and some ae her pals, who’d been present at the time, nowan seemed tae be able tae agree whose dug hid lead the charge. Betty, fae next door, who didnae own a mutt so didnae hiv an axe tae grind, swore that it hid been Elvis, Tam the Bam’s labrador. Whichever wan it wis…the presence ae the Christian warriors, wae their musical instruments in full flow, hid issued a challenge tae aw the mangy dugs in the area tae show whit they wur made ae. If ye wur tae think ae aw they films where people ur stuck oot in the wilds, in five feet ae snow and it’s getting dark and suddenly, the wolves let rip, then ye’d get a general idea ae whit the bedlam sounded like. There hid only been aboot six or seven dugs lurking aboot in the square, as wis usual in the heat, at that time ae the day, when the band kicked aff wae ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’. By the time they wur marching aff tae war, the competition hid kicked aff fur real, wae fifteen bad boys, ae aw shapes, sizes and colours, accepting the challenge ae defending their Territory. While some ae the mair undisciplined wans wur wandering aboot confused, hauf howling and hauf yelping, the real maestros…aboot eight or nine ae them…wur sitting behind the brass section in a semi-circle, gieing it laldy, big style. Probably the reason that Elvis goat tagged as the ringleader and the wan who started them aw aff, wis because he wis sitting facing the semi-circle ae howling mutts in the same way as Captain Bellow wis stauning in front ae the howling warriors ae Christ.
As soon as the band opened up and the dugs goat tore in, Parvais’s wee sister, Delisha, and aw her wee pals jist froze oan the spot and stood there wae their eyes bulging oot ae their heids and their mooths hinging open in disbelief.
Aw Elvis’s hound-dug pals in the semi-circle hid their noses pointing straight up tae the heavens, letting loose a racket that the Hounds ae the Baskervilles combined wae the Hunner-and-wan Dalmatians wid’ve been proud ae.
“Jist ignore the racket, ladies and gentlemen. The devil’s at work here.
Let’s show these dumb dark disciples who kin make the finest noise,” Captain Bellow bellowed, as the band upped a gear and blew, shaked, sang and twanged their instruments louder, in an attempt tae droon oot the racket coming fae the mangy pack.
Jessie and the boys hid jist entered Grafton Street at the McAslin Street end while the band wis setting up in the square. Efter leaving Calum and arriving at the corner ae Grafton Street, the sales hid dried up. People who did hiv money, didnae hiv coins in their purses and aw the boys hid left wur ten bob and wan pound notes.
“Ur we gonnae be able tae shift these, Tony?” Joe hid asked Tony again, as Johnboy and Skull looked up at aw the windaes fur customers.
“Ah’ve telt youse, it’s jist slow because it’s Tuesday and people ur skint.”
“Aye, bit we’ll need tae get change as well as get Jessie back fur six o’clock.”
“Aye, Ah know.”
Parvais, who wis oan his way hame fae Sherbet’s hid caught up wae them.
“Hello boys. What are you doing?” Parvais hid asked them.
“How’re ye daeing, Parvais? We’re selling briquettes. Ye don’t want tae buy any, dae ye?” Skull hid asked him.
“What’s briquettes?”
“Insteid ae lumps ae coal, these ur coal bricks. Normally they cost wan and ninepence bit because it’s Tuesday and everywan is skint, we’re selling them fur wan and a tanner a dozen.”
“So, they’re the same as coal?”
“Johnboy wis jist saying that a lot ae the wummin prefer them tae bags ae coal because they last longer. Isn’t that right, Johnboy?”
“Aye, although ye’d need tae make sure ye hiv sticks under them tae get them tae light. Wance they catch, a couple will dae ye aw night.”
“Really? And how many do you still have to sell?”
“Probably aboot fifty or sixty dozen or so.”
“But you would be able to get more, if required?”
Fae lying sprawled oan tap ae the briquettes oan the cart, the boys hid aw bolted up and looked at Parvais, open-moothed. Even Jessie hid turned her heid tae see whit the excitement wis aw aboot.
“You see, a lot of the ladies in my family, as well as our neighbours, are at home all day. Some of the fathers work long hours and some have gone back to Pakistan to visit relatives. Unfortunately, the mothers cannot allow strange men in to the house to deliver coal, therefore, this is a problem for our families. It seems to me…and forgive me, I do not mean to insult you…but as you are not men, but children, delivering these coal briquettes as you call them, would not be such a problem for the mothers.”
When Parvais hid finished speaking, there hid been a stunned silence fur aboot five seconds and then the boys hid burst oot laughing and started tae dance oan tap ae the briquettes, aw o’er the back ae the cart. Parvais hid jist stood there wae a smile oan his coupon, thinking that they wur as mad as hatters.
“Whit dae ye want us tae dae, Parvais?”
“Well, first of all, it is very important that you show the ladies and mothers respect. And by this, you cannot swear, spit, wipe your nose on your sleeve or pass wind in their presence. This would be very disrespectful and would mean that they cannot take coal briquettes from you. Other than that, I believe you will be able to sell them your bricks at the price you have quoted me.”
“Joe, you take Jessie’s reins and Ah’ll nip o’er intae the yard and get us some change fae oor stash. There’s plenty ae change, lying daeing nothing, in that dosh we goat fae Horsey John and Tiny when we sold them the coo,” Tony hid said.
“Ye’ll need tae watch oot fur the workmen, Tony. Heid intae the yard fae the North Frederick Street end. That way, they won’t clock ye,” Johnboy hid advised.
“Aye, okay, that sounds fair enough. Joe, take Jessie up tae the square and Ah’ll catch up wae youse in a couple ae minutes.”
“This is bloody brilliant, so it is,” Skull shouted o’er the racket, as they sat oan the back ae the cart, pishing themsels laughing at the spectacle in front ae them. When ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’ finished, Elvis and aw his pals quietened doon fur a minute, tae hiv a wee breather, bit the band wisnae messing aboot.
“‘Will yer Anchor Hold’, efter three please…wan, two and three...” bawled Bellow.
That wis it…the gauntlet wis thrown doon again, never tae be lifted till the last wan wis left staunin. Elvis and aw the dugs jist went fur it. The wans that hid been wandering aboot ran o’er tae staun in amongst the wans that wur sitting in the semi-circle. There must’ve been aboot sixty windaes looking doon oan tae the square and every single wan ae them hid people hinging oot ae them in fits ae laughter. It wis like wan big happy party. Everywan wis hooting and pointing. Even the dugs looked as if they wur enjoying themsels. Parvais’s mothers and neighbours wur aw shouting at each other across the windae sills. Johnboy wisnae sure whit they wur saying bit, by the sound ae the laughter, it wis clear they wur getting intae the swing ae things. Parvais joined the boys and asked if it wis no a bit early fur them tae be celebrating Diwali. Like aw good things, it hid tae end sooner than people wid’ve liked though.
The first dampener, as far as the band wur concerned, wis when two ae the dugs started shagging each other in between the conductor and the trombone player. The rest ae the band members tried tae ignore it until Sally Sally dashed oot ae the line and started scudding the dugs oan their nappers wae her good tambourine. This should’ve done the trick bit unfortunately when the dugs tried tae fuck aff, it became obvious that they wur stuck tae each other. The band wur professional though, and they didnae miss a beat...until Skull decided tae get in oan the act, that is. He stood up, pulled oot the bugle and started gieing it big grunting farty sounds that echoed aw o’er the square. Johnboy wisnae sure whit exactly happened next as everything started tae happen at wance. If people thought the dugs wur loud before, it wis nothing compared tae whit happened when Skull finally goat the hang ae getting maximum noise oot ae his bugle. As he went fur it, big style, Elvis and aw his fifty seven variety pals saw this as a further challenge oan their Territory. They seemed tae get a second wind and upped the howling stakes and droont oot the band aw thegither. The sound fae the band jist dribbled tae a complete stoap, apart fae Hannah, who wis staunin there, eyes squeezed shut, looking heavenwards wae determination, whacking fuck oot ae that tambourine ae hers fur dear life.
Suddenly, wan ae the band members shot oot ae the group, heiding towards Jessie and the cart, shouting, “Haw baldy, that’s ma bugle, ya wee manky thieving basturt, ye.”
Skull jumped aff the cart and hot-footed it up the nearest close wae the bugle in his right haun, followed by the holy warrior in hot pursuit.
Meanwhile, Sally Sally returned tae scud the two sex fiends who wur still helplessly tangled up, stuck tae each other, hoping this wid separate them, while the weans aw started tae rifle through the instrument cases in search ae toys. Wan wee bare-arsed four year auld, wae a bundle ae his maw’s good washing at his feet, kept tugging at the conductor’s left leg.
“If ye’re no the ragman, when will he be here then, Mister?”
Sally Sally eventually spoilt everywan’s fun when she ran tae the front ae the band, erms waving and shouted, “Right, everywan, let’s call it a day and pack up. We’ll come back when there’s no so many distractions…and that applies tae you as well, Hannah, hen.”
Chapter Thirty
“Whit time did ye say they’d be here, Kirsty?” The Big Man asked, admiring the Rolex that he’d goat fae Charlie Chip…Scotland’s answer tae Jimmy Tarbuck…wan night recently efter Charlie hid turned up at The Carlton Club following a sell-oot show at the Pavilion. No only hid he goat the Rolex, bit he’d goat the entire door takings, which Charlie wis carrying aboot in a shoe box. Shaun maintained it hid set a club record. Exactly forty three minutes efter arriving, Charlie No-Laughs hid been forced tae borrow, wae interest, the price ae a taxi fare back hame tae Newton Mearns. Charlie certainly hidnae been that funny when they’d slung him in
the back ae a taxi that night, back hame tae that big blonde wife ae his, The Big Man remembered, wae a fond smile.
“Aboot ten.”
“And everything’s fine wae Florence Nightingale?”
“If she turns up.”
“So, whit’s that supposed tae mean?”
“It means, if she turns up. Ah hid tae promise her the earth.”
“As in?”
“As in it’s gonnae cost ye, fur a change.”
“Aye, well, we’ll soon see aboot that.”
“Pat, these ur ma two wee brothers who’re turning up this morning. They’ve asked me tae represent them in the negotiations.”
“Whit negotiations?”
“Sarah May his also asked me tae represent her.”
“Kirsty, whit the fuck ur ye oan aboot? There’s a standard price fur these things nooadays.”
“Which is whit?”
“The group will get three nicker fur the night. That’s fur two wan-hour sets wae a five minute pish break and if, and only if, they’re no bad, Ah might gie them a wee bottle ae Sweetheart stout tae wash doon the applause at the end ae their second encore.”
“So, ye’ll be in fur yer first heart attack this morning then?”
“Kirsty, hen, ye’ve done great getting them alang here, especially that mad pie-flinger ae a nurse, bit jist leave everything else tae me, eh? Aw, c’moan noo, gonnae no dae that?”
“Whit?”
“Gie me that look. Don’t ye worry, Ah’ll make sure that wee broon envelope his a wee bonus in it at the end ae the week.”
“Really, Pat? Aw, that’s lovely, so it is. Ah cannae wait. Thanks a lot!” she scowled, disappearing intae the store.
“Aw Kirsty, c’moan noo, ye kin tell Uncle Pat. Whit hiv Ah done noo?”
“Naw, naw, everything sounds fine and dandy. You jist go aheid. Ah’ve done ma wee bit tae help ye oot. Jist gie me a shout anytime,” she shouted, as Pat winced at the sound ae things being thrown aboot in the store.
“Ach, ye’re a right wee stoater, so ye ur,” The Big Man said, settling back and shaking oot the pages ae his Racing News before turning the page.
