by Ian Todd
“So, whit happened tae Big Bertie, the dirty coalman? Did he no go and get himsel killed in the war or something?”
“Aw, it wis a real shame, so it wis. He goat taken prisoner in the war, at the end ae October nineteen forty two, by the Eyeties, near a place called El Alemein and slung intae the jail. He wis still there two weeks later when the RAF drapped a bomb oan tap ae it and he wis killed alang wae a lot ae the other sojers.”
“Aw, naw, that’s a sin, so it is. So, where aboot is El Alamein then?”
“It’s somewhere in Egypt. Don’t ask me where aboot though. Yer da said that whit made it even worse wis that two weeks efter Big Bertie goat captured, the Desert Rats...that’s whit yer da’s regiment wis called...arrived in the nearest toon and took o’er the place. Seemingly the only wans that wur killed wur the prisoners who wur aw locked up. Aw the wee Atalians hid hidden in the basements in the toon itsel and wur aw awright. Yer da wis at the funeral wae aw his mates. He said that there wis a couple ae dozen ae oor boys that hid been killed and they wur still in amongst the rubble when they found them.”
“So, did they bring them hame tae get buried?”
“Naw. They dug a big trench wae picks and shovels in the middle ae the desert and buried them there. Yer da said that people think the desert’s full ae sand, which it is, bit if ye try tae dig a hole, it’s like trying tae dig through concrete. They’re still there as far as Ah know. Yer da disnae talk aboot it...that and the flies.”
“Whit? Big Bertie hiving a fly swatch at yer jiggly jugs?”
“Aw, Helen, that’s horrible. Ah shouldnae be laughing, seeing as the poor soul is deid,” she said, laughing.
“Ach, Ah know, bit it wis so long ago. We aw hiv tae move oan and get oan wae life, Ah suppose,” Helen said, remembering her Aunt Jeannie, who wis her maw’s twin sister. Jeannie hid brought Helen up until she wis ten, though Helen wisnae allowed tae talk aboot her.
“Ah used tae see his wee maw up the Parly Road until she died last year. She always looked so sad, heiding up tae St Mungo’s Chapel oan her ain every morning, clutching they rosaries ae hers.”
“Dae ye think that’s why aw the McCaskill boys turned oot bad?”
“Whit, because Bertie went aff and goat himsel killed? Naw, even as wee snappers…Johnboy’s age…Ah could tell, even then, that they wur gonnae turn oot tae be gangsterish, that lot. Bertie wisnae an angel, by a long shot, bit gie him his due, when the call came, he wis wan ae the first tae sign up, so he wis.”
“The boys wur always nice tae me when Ah wis at school wae them, bit everytime Ah tried tae talk tae them, they’d back aff. It wis only later Ah found oot that it wis because Pat Molloy hid warned no only them, bit aw the other boys ma age at school, whit wid happen tae them if they goat too close tae me because he fancied me himsel…the bugger. Ah wish tae God Ah’d known that at the time.”
“Ach, Ah know ye still don’t like him, bit he wis always good tae his maw and da, Helen.”
“Da disnae mention the war, dis he?” Helen said, changing the subject.
“Naw, it wis only a few weeks efter Big Bertie goat it that wan ae the boys staunin next tae yer da stood oan a mine. Three ae them goat killed and yer da lost three ae his toes. Ye widnae think he’s only goat two toes oan wan ae his feet as he disnae walk wae a limp, bit he wis in a terrible state. His back is full ae scars wae bits ae shrapnel still embedded in it. They goat maist ae it oot, bit telt him it wid be too dangerous tae go poking aboot fur mair. He’s convinced it’s gonnae work its way up intae his brain and kill him wan ae these days, the silly auld bugger.”
Silence.
“Maw, dae ye ever think ae Aunt Jeannie?”
“Whit?”
“Ye heard me. Ma Aunt Jeannie…yer twin sister. Wid ye no like tae go and try and see where they buried her in Spain?”
“Look, aw that stuff wis so long ago...it’s in the past, so it is…the same as Big Bertie.”
“Big Bertie wisnae family, bit Aunt Jeannie wis. Ye’ve spoken mair aboot him than ye’ve ever spoken tae me aboot yer ain sister, so ye hiv,”
“Look, Helen, don’t start. Ah’ve telt ye before, Ah don’t want tae talk aboot that time and place. It’s aw in the past, so it is. Jist leave it…okay?”
“So, anyway, ye don’t think this red dress and red high heels ur too o’er the tap then, dae ye?” Helen asked, getting the message loud and clear.
“Whit ur ye wearing oan tap, tae go up tae the pub?”
“That fox fur that Pat Molloy gied me years ago, wan Christmas.”
“Aw, Helen, Ah’m so proud ae ye, hen. Ye’ve goat a lovely man and yer weans ur so nice. Everywan tells me how good the lassies ur tae aw the auld wans roond aboot here.”
“Aye, well, it’s jist a pity aboot Johnboy though.”
“Whit aboot him? He’s awright, Ah hope?”
“He’s oot ae that door like a whippet oan heat every morning and creeps in late at night. Ah’ve nae idea whit he’s up tae. He’s running aboot wae a wee scruffy crowd, who aw look right sleekit.”
“Ach, he’s jist a growing boy. Ah see him aboot doon here aw the time. Me and yer da saw him and his pals trotting doon Parly Road oan the back ae a horse and cart this morning, loaded doon wae briquettes. When they passed the queue ootside Curley’s, the four ae them aw drapped their troosers and flashed their bare arses at aw the wummin staunin there waiting fur their yesterday’s loaves. Ah must admit, Ah nearly pished ma bloomers. The horse didnae miss a step either. Ye wid’ve thought it wis wan ae the gang. They wur aw bloody filthy, fae heid tae toe, covered in black soot, apart fae the whites ae their eyes, teeth and four bare white arses jiggling aboot in the air. Yer da telt me no tae make oot we recognised Johnboy, efter mumbling something aboot bringing back the birch.”
“See whit Ah mean? Last week Ah gied him a fair skelp oan that lug ae his and jist aboot broke ma fingers oan the side ae that thick skull ae his.”
“Och, Helen, aw the wummin thought it wis hilarious. Ye should’ve heard the wan-liners. It made everywan’s day, so it did, and gied them something tae smile and talk aboot in the queue. We aw need a wee bit ae cheering up noo and again.”
“It’s awright fur ye tae say that, bit ye don’t hiv tae live wae it.”
“Listen, it could be worse. He could be oot thieving every day, insteid ae hivving a wee job selling briquettes. Ye should gie him a break and a wee bit ae credit. There’s a lot worse than him aboot here, ye know. He’s always goat a big smile oan that manky face ae his and he’s always goat a big hello fur everywan he sees.”
“Ach, Ah suppose ye’re right. At least he’s daeing something useful and no creating chaos like that big brother ae his.”
“Aye, well, there’s a beaut’ who knows how tae make an entrance, eh?” she said.
They baith burst oot laughing as Helen looked at hersel in the mirror fur the hunnerth time.
“Ur ye sure Ah don’t look too tarty in this?”
“Well, Ah widnae go that far...” her maw said tae mair laughter.
Chapter Thirty Three
“Did ye jist say Fat Sally Sally’s?” Tony asked.
“Aye.”
“Where that mad skelly-eyed prick, Crisscross, lives?”
“Aye.”
“So, we screw the place and tan their gas meter?”
“Naw.”
“Why no?”
“Cause the place is awready loaded wae aw the money that her and they other Christian wummin collect wae their cans up and doon the Parly Road every night. Wan ae the Martins wis talking aboot tanning the place, bit wis put aff because Crisscross lives there.”
“Bloody brilliant, Johnboy!” Joe said, looking o’er at him.
Johnboy’s chest puffed oot an extra two inches.
“Hing oan a minute. Dis that mean we wullnae get intae Heaven then?” Skull asked, as they aw burst oot laughing.
“They don’t let Catholics intae Heaven, so ye’re goosed anyway, Skull,” Johnboy said.<
br />
“Up yours, Proddy boy.”
“So, ye reckon that’s where they keep aw the dosh they collect?”
“Well, it isnae in the gospel hall, where Ah kipped last night. If it wis, Ah wid’ve found it and Ah wid be eating ice cream doon in Dunoon by noo, insteid ae lying oan this rafter looking doon at aw the nits crawling aboot oan tap ae they nappers ae yours,” Skull said, efter leaping up aff ae Joe’s hauns oan tae wan ae the rafters.
“Well, whit ur we daeing here, listening tae aw the shite that Skull speaks? Let’s go and check it oot then,” Tony declared, swinging his legs up oan tae the dummy flair.
They heided doon the lane tae the opening intae Grafton Street. They could hear that a goal hid jist been scored by aw Johnboy’s ex-best pals, who wur playing fitba up oan Grafton Square. There wur a few people coming up and doon the street, carrying bags ae messages fae Sherbet’s and the street lights hid jist come oan, although it wisnae pitch dark.
“Right, here’s the score,” Tony said, efter Joe hid climbed up o’er the wall and went aff tae check oot the lay ae the land.
“Ah definitely want tae go intae the hoose,” Skull said, butting-in and starting his whinging awready.
“Skull, Ah’ll decide who dis whit, so keep yer arse shut while Ah make up ma mind…okay? Right, Johnboy, ye’re oan the windae ootside, wance we get in.”
“And Ah’m in wae you.”
“Fur Christ’s sake, Skull, kin ye no dae whit ye’re telt?”
“Ah’m jist reminding ye. Ah hate that squinty Crisscross tadger. That big fat Christian wife ae his jist aboot broke ma lug when she caught me trying tae blag the War Crys aff ae her pal. There’s no way Ah’m gonnae miss oot oan this wan.”
“Well, we’ll see. Let’s see whit Joe says when he gets back.”
“Whit dae ye mean Ah’m oan the windae ootside?” asked Johnboy, wae a puzzled look oan his coupon.
“He means that ye sit ootside while me and Tony go in and dae the business. When we’re ready, we’ll haun the swag oot tae you.”
“Aye, ye’ll need tae keep yer ears and eyes peeled as well while we’re inside, Johnboy. Anything...and Ah mean anything...ye see or hear that’s dodgy, ye need tae let us know right away. Hiv ye goat that?”
“Aye, Tony.”
“And don’t fuck it up, Johnboy. Ye’ve goat wan ae the easy jobs. Me and Tony ur depending oan ye... seeing as it wis yer fault we lost oor stash ae cash in the first place.”
“Whit the hell his that goat tae dae wae me then?”
“Cause it wis yer idea tae plank it there, ya daft arse-bandit, ye. Even Ah knew some thieving selfish minker wid’ve found it there easy enough.”
“Aye, that’s right. Ah remember ye saying that at the time.”
“Hoi, don’t take it oot oan me, loser boy. A blind dug wid’ve found that plank.”
“Shut the fuck up the two ae youse, will ye? Here’s Joe coming noo,” Tony growled.
Johnboy and Skull turned roond and looked up the lane. Joe hid jist landed oan his feet, hivving jumped doon aff the wall and wis walking towards them.
“It looks okay tae me.”
“Whit’s the windae like?” Tony asked him.
“It should be okay, though we’ll need tae break wan ae the tap wans and then unhook the latch tae slide up the bottom wan. There’s a sink in front ae the windae, so we’ll need tae watch oot fur the sound ae glass when we go in.”
“Ye mean when Tony and masel go in. Ye’re oan guard duty, bawbag. Tell ‘im, Tony,” Skull said, wae a smug look oan that coupon ae his.
“Aw, fuck aff, Tony. Ah dae aw the dirty work and noo Ah’m being left oot? Johnboy kin dae that.”
“Naw, Joe. Johnboy is oan the windae.”
“Whit the fuck fur? He kin check oot the street jist as good as me.”
“Naw, he cannae. He’s no done this before. Ah want him where Ah kin see him.”
“So, whit’s wrang wae Mr Magoo, the poisoned dwarf? He’s a noisy fucker. The whole building will hear him clattering aboot in they fitba boots ae his.”
“Don’t take it oot oan me, Joe, ya skinny Johnny-bag, ye. It wisnae ma decision. Did Ah no volunteer tae stay oot here and keep ma eyes peeled, Johnboy?”
“Aw, aye…ye wur pleading like fuck, if Ah remember right.”
“Exactly. See, Ah telt ye. So, shut yer geggy and take yer punishment like the big girl’s blouse that ye ur,” Skull said, wae a bigger grin.
“Why the hell dae we let that wee baldy basturt run aboot wae us, eh?”
“Ur ye sure we’ll be okay wae that windae, Joe?” Tony asked him, ignoring the question.
“Aye, bit ye’ll need tae make sure ye cover whitever ye use tae break it wae a cloth or something. Ye’re in the corner there, so it’ll probably sound louder than if ye wur in the middle ae the block.”
“Aye, awright. Okay, Joe, if ye work it between the lane here and the corner doon there oan McAslin Street, we’ll get started. If anywan turns up, gie’s a shout as soon as. Come up through the close if ye hiv the time. If no, gie’s a shout o’er the back ae the wall. Hiv ye goat that?”
“Nae bother,” he grumbled.
“Right, let’s go,” Tony ordered.
Johnboy and Skull followed Tony up the lane. They aw stepped back and then took a run at the wall. They wur up and o’er it in nae time, wae aw their feet landing oan the ground oan the other side at the same time. It wis really dark by then, apart fae the lights coming oot ae people’s kitchen windaes. There wis a wee railing running the length ae the building wae a wee opening that hid some steps leading doon tae the back close level. They jumped o’er the fence and stood ootside the hoose. Skull sat doon and started tae unlace his fitba boots.
“Right, get yer socks aff, Johnboy, and put them o’er yer hauns.”
“Whit fur?”
“So that ye don’t leave any prints. It’s jist like wearing yer sister’s mitts,” Tony said.
“Or knickers, in your case,” Skull whispered.
“Aw, right, nae bother,” Johnboy mumbled, sitting doon beside Skull who wis noo lacing up his boots.
It only took Johnboy a few seconds tae get his socks aff and shoes back oan as aw he hid oan his feet wis his auld sandshoes that didnae hiv any laces in them.
“Right, Johnboy. Go and get me a stane aboot the size ae a hauf brick. Try and get me something wae a pointed edge oan it.”
As Johnboy went in search ae a stane, he heard Tony telling Skull tae haun o’er his Celtic tammy and Skull saying, “See, and youse pricks ur always slagging me aff fur wearing it. Noo ye cannae dae withoot it.”
Johnboy came back wae a stane and haunded it tae Tony, who wis awready staunin up oan the windae ledge, wae Skull haudin him by the legs. Tony put the stane intae the tammy and hit the windae oan the corner ae the glass beside where the inside latch wis, making sure that he hit the middle spar ae the frame at the same time, so that his haun didnae follow through.
“Any good?” Skull whispered.
The second dull thud wis followed by the smashing sound ae the glass landing oan the sink inside. Johnboy reckoned his arse-hole must’ve been pouting like Marilyn Monroe’s lips as the sound bounced aff every tenement between them and Parly Road. Surely tae God they hid tae shoot aff, and pronto, he wis thinking tae himsel, getting ready tae tackle the wall. He looked up fur the signal tae run, bit Tony awready hid his haun inside the windae letting the catch aff.
“Slide it up nice and slowly, Skull. There’s a big bit ae glass still sitting in the frame up here,” Tony whispered as Skull started tae slide up the windae.
When he goat it up far enough, Tony goat a haud ae it and Skull heaved himsel up and slipped in, the sound ae crunching glass jangling Johnboy’s nerve ends.
“Ah’ll hiv tae get something tae haud the windae up wae,” Skull whispered as he disappeared oot ae sight.
Johnboy heard a cutlery drawer opening, then a haun appeared at the windae wae a rolling pin and put it intae t
he runner at the side. Tony gently lowered the windae doon oan tae it. Johnboy nipped across and looked in as Tony jumped doon. Skull wis lifting bits ae glass aff the sink running board and putting them oan tap ae the cooker beside it.
“The windae’s knackered by the looks ae it. There’s nae pulley ropes or weights tae haud the thing up,” Tony whispered tae Johnboy.
“Ach, well, they’ve goat an excuse tae get it fixed noo,” Skull added, swiping his tammy back aff Tony’s haun and covering up his bald napper.
Johnboy could jist make oot the grin oan Skull’s face as Tony slipped in through the windae.
“Remember, Johnboy. If ye hear anything, gie’s a wee whispering shout…okay?”
“Aye, nae bother, Tony.”
Johnboy went and sat wae his back against the wee wall, facing the windae. He wisnae sure whit time it wis. He could hear the theme tune tae ‘The Avengers’ fae a couple ae tellys bit he couldnae be sure if it wis the start ae the programme or the adverts aboot tae come oan. There wisnae a sound coming fae inside Fat Sally Sally’s. Every noo and again, he thought he saw a shadow crossing the room, bit he wisnae too sure. He wondered whit wid happen if there wisnae any dosh in the hoose. Wid they still manage tae get the dookit? Who the hell could’ve discovered the planking place? He hidnae telt a soul aboot it. Wan ae the workers in the yard must’ve come across it. They probably clocked Tony nipping in tae get the change during the day…the thieving shits. He wis still trying tae suss oot whit hid happened or who could’ve blagged their money when he heard a roar ae coins crashing and bouncing. It wis the same sound that he’d heard when Skull won the jackpot oan the wan-ermed penny bandit in the chippy across fae the pawn shoap, only much, much louder. He goat up, looked aboot tae see if there wis any curtains moving, which there wisnae. He peered in through the windae and jist aboot shat his breeks when Skull’s face appeared up o’er the sink.
“Here, take this, bit haud it fae the tap end.”
Skull haunded o’er whit looked like a white sack tae Johnboy. Skull must’ve been reading Johnboy’s thoughts.
“It’s a pillowcase. Don’t drap it or ye’ll waken the deid.”
