The only time I’d seen that look on Corrine’s face was the day she walked up to Susanna in the cafeteria after the necklace incident. I remember thinking then that I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that look.
I raced the halls to Lily’s locker first. She and Corrine were there, and I was both glad and full of dread that I was going to have to apologize to them at the same time. Maybe Lily would help lessen the blow from Corrine.
“You guys.” I was out of breath when I got there. “Hey. Listen . . . “
“Brooke, where were you today?” Lily asked. “I was worried you were sick in the nurse’s office or something.”
Lily crushed me. She stood there worried about me while Corrine shot laser beams of hate toward me.
“I am so, so, so sorry. Seriously. I don’t know how I forgot, but I completely spaced. Please forgive me, Lils.”
“Gosh, it’s okay, Brooke,” Lily said. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m just glad you’re not sick. Where were you?”
“Yeah, Brooke,” Corrine said. “Where were you?”
“Corrine, come on,” I said.
“What’s going on?” Lily asked, looking between us.
“I had lunch with Madeline in the courtyard,” I said. “I’m sorry, Lily. I just forgot about you.” I cringed hearing myself say that.
“Oh.” The light expression left her face.
“I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
She took some books out of her locker and by the time she turned toward me, her expression was coming back to its usual Lily-ness. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t believe her, but I decided to take what I could get and try to make it up to her later.
Corrine looked at me like she hated my guts. I couldn’t deal with anymore tension, between me and anyone, so I said, “Go ahead, Corrine. Get it out. I deserve it, so just get it out now and be done with it.”
She barely hesitated. “Fine. We’re talking about Madeline here, the girl who totally dissed you. She treated you like dirt for no good reason and then, just like that, you’re friends with her again and ditching Lily’s birthday lunch? Honestly, I don’t get it, Brooke.”
“I didn’t mean to miss Lily’s lunch.”
“I just need to know,” Corrine said. “Were you just using us until your fight with her blew over?”
“No!” I said. “I can’t believe you would think that.”
“I don’t think that,” Lily said.
“It just sort of feels like you ditched us the first chance you got. You and what’s-her-face started talking two days ago and you’re already choosing her over us. What else am I supposed to think?”
“Please, you guys,” I said, feeling like begging, like I needed to. “I promise that’s not it at all.” The sixth period bell rang, but none of us moved. “Don’t hate me. I have no idea what’s going on in my head but I know Madeline was my best friend until this school year, and all the things she’s done are totally out of character with the friend I’ve had since I was eight. I can’t just not be friends with her. Maybe we’ve grown apart or something, I don’t know. But I have to figure it out. I wasn’t using you guys and I didn’t mean to ditch you today. I’m just,” I said, my throat clamping up, and tears threatening to show themselves, “trying to figure it all out.”
“Oh, poor Brooke,” Lily said, hugging me from the side. I wrapped my arm around her waist and put my head on her shoulder. I was so confused and just wanted someone to rely on. “I get it. She’s your best friend. It’s hard to let that go. And maybe you won’t have to!”
I looked at Corrine. Her face had softened. “Okay. I get it. If something happened between me and Lily, I guess I’d have a hard time believing it, too.”
“Nothing would ever happen between us!” Lily said.
Corrine laughed. “Okay. I’m sorry I got mad at you, Brooke. I said it last night but this time I mean it. I totally support you. I’m not sure I like Madeline just yet, but I promise to give her a chance. But one wrong move from her . . . ”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” I said. “Thanks, guys. You’re the best.”
“And don’t you forget it,” Corrine said.
35 MADELINE
JUGGLING MY RENEWED FRIENDSHIP WITH Brooke with my old friendship with Susanna and the girls was hard at first—running away from Brooke when someone approached wasn’t exactly cool. It turned out that Brooke was doing the same thing to me, which made me wonder if we could really be friends again. I had thought the only thing left to do after we started talking was to just try to be friends again. Turns out we had to try to learn to be friends again.
Whatever little fight Brooke and Corrine got in on Monday after she saw us at lunch must have blown over quickly, because by the end of the day they were hanging out like nothing had happened. I didn’t have to wait long to wonder if Brooke told them about me; after school, while I was waiting for my dad to pick me up, she and Corrine and Lily came out the front door and passed me. To my surprise, Brooke stopped and said hi. After the necklace incident, I thought Corrine might start yelling at me. She definitely had a funny look on her face, like she was amused by me, and I don’t mean in a funny way.
“Waiting for your ride?” Brooke asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “On my dad. Lately he’s had meetings and gets here a little late.”
To my surprise, Corrine spoke. To me. “I hate that. My mom does that sometimes. Once I had to wait for her for thirty minutes until Miss Manning saw me and almost took me home herself. It was so embarrassing.”
I nodded, but the whole time I was thinking, Oh my god, what’s she going to do to me?
“Well, I better go,” Brooke said. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bye,” I said, and Corrine and Lily both responded with not-at-all mean goodbyes. I stood there dumbfounded.
I started to wonder how much Brooke told them. Did they know everything that had happened between us? Everything I said to her? No way, I thought. If they did, Corrine wouldn’t have been so nice to me.
Maybe Brooke had figured out how to tell her friends, but neither of us had figured out how to be around each other at school yet. We talked at our locker, but I had taken to leaving more quickly on the days Susanna usually met me there. We didn’t eat lunch together, either. We sat with our other friends. It didn’t feel right, but not sitting with Susanna didn’t feel right either. I didn’t know what to do.
On Friday in our history class, I slipped Brooke a note. Still on for tonight? I wrote.
Definitely! Want to see the 3-D version over at Woodland Lawn? she responded.
Nah. Let’s stick to old school. Want to stay at my house after?
It took her a moment longer to write me back that time. Finally, she wrote: I can’t. But maybe next weekend!
After school Susanna found me and said, “Hey. What’s the deal?”
“What?”
“You never said if you could go this weekend. Are you going to your mom’s or what?”
“Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, I can’t go tonight. And I have to play tomorrow by ear. I think we might be going shopping or something.” I rolled my eyes to show how horrible this whole thing was.
“Well, if you want to go Sunday night just let me know.”
“You can go without me,” I said, feeling like she was going to wait on me to go see it. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Exactly,” she said. “Not a big deal.”
That night I had the strangest feeling that I was cheating on Susanna with Brooke.
The next evening, rain started coming down, in drizzles at first and then in a heavy pour. Brooke’s mom picked me up for the movie and I was glad that Dad avoided coming out to say hello.
“Hi there, sweetie,” her mom said. “How you doing?”
“Fine,” I said.
“Well, look at your hair!” she said, turning around in her seat. “You look so grown-up I almost didn’t recognize you.”
I touched t
he back of my neck and said, “Thanks.”
She sounded normal, so maybe she didn’t know what all had happened. Even if she did, I thought, it’s not like she’d be mean to me. She was an adult, after all.
We drove to the movie theater in silence, but not horrible silence. Brooke messed with the radio, and her mom playfully teased her about her choice of music making her hair stand on end.
She dropped us off at the front and said she’d be back in two hours. We covered our heads with our jackets and ran to the awning of the theater.
“You get the tickets, I get the snacks?” Brooke asked.
“Perfect,” I said. “Because I’m going to eat so much food your mom’s card is going to be maxed out.”
“Ha, ha.” She smiled. “Like she’d ever give me her credit card.” I started to relax and feel like it was all going to be okay. Her mom didn’t hate me, she didn’t hate me, and maybe Susanna wouldn’t hate me either, once I told her what was going on.
“Make sure you put extra fake butter on the popcorn, okay?” I said.
“Of course.”
With our bounty of food, we settled into the best seats—toward the front, dead center. The movie was so good. We laughed, looking at each other and nudging each other’s arms, and we play-fought over the last of the popcorn. At some point, I forgot that we had even been fighting, and it just felt like old times.
Afterward we gathered our trash and followed the crowd out the theater door.
“I liked Basko,” I said. “He had a funny way of walking, all strutlike.”
“They all strutted,” Brooke teased.
“Yeah, but the way he strutted.”
“Way?”
“Way,” I confirmed, and we laughed for the hundredth time that night.
As we passed the bathroom exit, I saw her: Susanna. I didn’t make a move in her direction, just kept with the crowd, but she seemed to be moving into it with us. Just before the lobby, she joined her parents and sister.
“Maybe we can be Basko and Claudette for Halloween,” Brooke said. I kept one eye on Susanna, hoping she wouldn’t see us. “You can wear lettuce in your fur and I can wear pearls around my kitty neck.”
Just as we were about to head outside (the rain had let up but had not stopped) Susanna caught my eye. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks. We were far enough away that it was obvious I’d seen her but not said anything. If I acknowledged her now, I’d have to go back. She saw Brooke and narrowed her eyes at me. After weeks of having Susanna on my side, I was about to know her wrath.
36 BROOKE
FRIDAY NIGHT WENT PRETTY DARN WELL, IF anyone is asking me. I was glad Mads invited me. I wanted to hang out more but it was still a bit hard being around her. I kept having this feeling that at any moment she was going to turn and point at me and laugh, “Ha! Fooled you, loser!” It’s part of the reason why I decided not to sleepover at her house. It felt a little quick, like we were just getting back to being friends and I needed a little breathing room before diving in.
Step forward, step back. Step forward, step back. That’s what I felt like I was doing with Madeline. So on Monday I decided to go back to trying to be more open and trusting of her. I wanted her to know that my friends were cool with her and so was I. I’d do that by asking her to sit with us at lunch. Eating separately wasn’t working, so I’d make the first move across that line in the caf and invite her over.
I didn’t see Madeline before first period, which wasn’t totally unusual, so I told Corrine and Lily that we would be having a guest at lunch today.
“So be nice,” I told them, but mostly to Corrine. “Keep your kitty claws retracted and be on your best behavior.”
“I always am,” Corrine said. I could tell she was on guard, though. It felt good knowing that no matter what Madeline did or didn’t do, I’d still have my girls.
I finally saw Madeline after fourth period, just before lunch.
“Hey,” I said. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“Hi.” She opened her locker and put her books away.
“Listen, I was wondering,” I started, feeling a little silly, like I was asking her out on a lunch date. “If you want to have lunch together. Where I eat. With Corrine and Lily.”
She started to say something, then stopped. “Um, I can’t.”
My nerves banged against my stomach like a bowling ball knocking down pins. “Got other plans or something?”
“It’s just that, I promised Susanna and them.” She wouldn’t look at me, so I knew something was shady.
“You promised them you’d eat with them today? Is something special happening?”
“That’s not what I meant,” she said, turning to face me. “I just can’t today, that’s all.” She looked like she was trying to calm down when she said, “Maybe tomorrow, okay?”
I felt embarrassed and completely rejected. But what were we doing? I knew why she wouldn’t eat with me—for the same reason why I wouldn’t sleep over. It was hopeless.
“No, it’s okay,” I said, trying to act indifferent. “I get it.”
As I walked away I realized that you can’t force a friendship. At some point you had to admit that you’d done all you could to make it work.
After too long of feeling like I was being pulled in two different directions—toward Madeline and also away from her—I finally felt like I knew which way to go.
37 MADELINE
IT JUST KEPT GETTING WORSE AND WORSE.
I thought things were going fine on Friday night. And they were, until I saw Susanna trying to off me with her eyes. In that moment I knew everything was going to fall apart. I’d only known Susanna a couple of months, but it was enough to know that you just didn’t cross her.
I lied to Susanna about what I was doing over the weekend instead of fessing up about hanging out with Brooke. Why had I felt I couldn’t tell her about Brooke? She was my friend, after all. Right?
When I got to school on Monday, I went straight to Susanna’s locker since she hadn’t responded to any of my texts or IMs all weekend. She wasn’t there, so I just headed to our drama class. She wasn’t there either, so I sat at our usual spot over by the window to wait for her. I didn’t want to have it out with her in class, but I had to know what she was thinking. I would straight up apologize for lying to her about Friday, and tell her I only did it because I was afraid of how she’d react about me and Brooke. I rehearsed this speech in my head as I waited for her to arrive.
Except when she finally did, she didn’t sit next to me in her usual spot. She sat clear on the other side of the room, in the back, and didn’t even glance at me.
She shot out of the room after class. I could have run after her down the halls, but decided to wait until I saw her just before lunch. Usually she came to my locker, but it was obvious I’d have to track her down.
When she saw me walking toward her later that morning, she turned and headed the other way.
“Susanna, come on. Stop.” The halls were crowded, and being stopped in the middle got us rude remarks until we moved off to the side. “Okay, so you’re mad at me. Right?” She stood maybe two feet in front of me but she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. “Hello? Are you going to talk to me?”
Natalie and Julia showed up just then.
“Susanna, are you okay?” Natalie asked her.
“Oh, I’m fine,” she said all breezy. “It’s just that there’s this gnat in the air, buzzing around and bothering me and I really just wish it’d go away.”
“Susanna,” I said, then looked at the girls. “You guys. Come on. Okay, I’m sorry I lied about what I was doing this weekend but I didn’t know how you’d react to my hanging out with Brooke again.”
“Uh, try angry.”
“Wait,” I said. “Are you mad at me for lying about what I did this weekend or because I’m hanging out with Brooke again?”
“Try both,” Susanna said. “Look, I could forgive you for lying to us about this weekend. Your parents
are messed up and so that means you are, too. But suddenly being friends with her again, after all we did for you, after all the smack you talked about her . . . I just don’t get it. We were talking about it this weekend,” she looked at Natalie and Julia, “and we were like, if she’s that flaky with her supposed best friend, who’s to say she won’t do it to us?”
“I would never,” I said, feeling desperate.
“But you did!” she said. “That’s the point!”
“Look,” I said, my voice barely coming out. I held my hands, palm up, and said, “What do you want me to do? I can’t apologize anymore.”
Susanna, Natalie, and Julie looked at each other, a familiar glint in their eyes.
“Well,” Susanna said. “We can’t be friends with someone who is friends with her. So you’re either friends with all three of us, or you can go be miserable with the girl you said was totally obnoxious. Your choice.”
Something about the way she said those words calmed me down. I looked at each of them carefully, the glare in their eyes and the way they stood before me, like a standoff. “Fine,” I said, nodding my head. “You got it.” I turned and started to walk away.
“You have got to be kidding,” Susanna said.
I stopped and turned back to her. To all three of them. I was finally realizing who I was when I was with them: someone I’d never hang out with. I kind of couldn’t blame Brooke. She’d been rude to them, but she’d also been right.
“I’m not kidding,” I said. “I’m totally serious. Brooke is and has always been my best friend because she understood me no matter what. We had a fight, so big deal. You don’t stop being friends over one fight. At least I don’t. If you don’t like me being friends with her, then I guess we were never meant to be friends in the first place. So see ya.”
I turned and walked away from them, surprised at how little I cared what they thought.
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