by E. K. Blair
“He owns Blur, where the band has been playing lately.”
“And the guy who gave me the tickets,” I add. “Thanks, man.”
“No problem at all.”
Candace turns to listen to the band while Mark and Ryan make plans to go shoot pool next week. After a while, I grab Candace and the four of us find a table to sit down. I listen to her as she starts to talk to Ryan, and I can’t help notice the way he is staring at her. Ryan normally ignores women; he definitely never looks at them like he’s looking at her. I glance over at Mark to see if he’s seeing it too and when I do, Candace places her hand on my thigh under the table. I look at her while she’s listening to Ryan talk, and I can tell that she’s panicking. I hold her hand and give it a light squeeze, reassuring her that she’s fine.
I’m sure that having Ryan here is maybe pushing her a bit more than she’s comfortable with. But I want to push her, and knowing that Ryan is a pretty trustworthy guy, I back off a little and go sit next to Mark, leaving the two of them to chat.
I lean into him while Ryan and Candace talk and say, “Are you seeing the way he’s looking at her?”
“Who?”
“Ryan,” I say a little irritated at his distraction.
He looks over and then back at me. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying that much attention, but the fact that he’s talking to her is unusual for him.”
We both turn our heads to look at them, and then Mark, being nosey, butts in. “What are you two talking about?”
“New York City,” Ryan says as Candace excuses herself to go listen to the next song.
When I get up to follow her, Mark and Ryan do too. I stand beside her as she leans her elbows on the bookcase, and Ryan comes to stand on the opposite side, leaning down next to her. I watch her turn her head and stare at him. Candace never showed any interest in guys before what happened to her, and ever since, she’s been so closed off to everything. I’m taken aback when I see her looking at him the way that she is.
Wanting to push her, I lean over and say, “Mark and I will be right back.”
She eyes me with curiosity, asking, “Where are you going?”
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll be back in a second.” I kiss the side of her head and then grab Mark’s arm, leading him over to the bar.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks.
“Look at her,” I say as I nod my head toward Candace from across the room. “She’s never looked at a guy like that before.”
“Really?”
“She’s always been closed off, even before what happened,” I tell him.
“You think we should tell her about Ryan?”
Turning my head to look at Mark, I ask, “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, but it’s Candace, and Ryan is known for screwing around with anything that walks past him.”
“That’s what Gavin says, but I’ve only seen him with one chick.”
“Still.”
Stepping in front of him, I say, “I really like Ryan despite what we’ve heard. Don’t forget, I did my fair share of that crap too before I met you, but this guy seems pretty straightforward and honest. At least that’s the impression I get. I just want her to start living again.”
“I know you do. Come on. Let’s go back before she gets mad at you for ditching her.”
When we walk back over to the two of them, Candace seems on edge, and I can tell something has switched inside of her because she wants to leave immediately.
Telling Ryan bye, Candace rushes out the door, and Mark and I follow closely behind. We all get into the car, and when Candace slides into the back seat, I turn and ask, “What was that all about?”
“You tell me. Where the hell did you two run off to?”
Shit. She’s clearly upset, but I go with honesty and say, “Just thought you two should talk without Mark and me around.”
Shaking her head in annoyance, she asks, “Why?”
“Just got that feeling. You two kept staring at each other with that look.”
“And what look would that be?”
“Candace, the guy is hot. You know what look he’s talking about,” Mark adds.
Slouching back in the seat, she says with a defeated sigh, “Doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” I ask, but she avoids looking at me.
Ignoring me, I can see her chin quivering, but I want her to talk to me.
“Candace?” I say, trying to get her to focus.
“It just doesn’t matter, Jase. It’s wrong,” she says as she stares out the window.
“It’s not wrong for you to find someone attractive.”
“Yes, it is.”
I hate that she feels this way, and I know Mark does too. He turns off into an empty parking lot, parks the car, and gets out. When he opens Candace’s door, he slides in next to her and firmly says. “Stop punishing yourself.”
Before she can deny his words, he says it again. “Stop punishing yourself.”
Shifting in my seat to look back at her, I tell her, “Nobody says that you can’t enjoy life. You can. You should. You just won’t allow yourself.”
“How can I feel like that after what happened? It feels wrong.”
“It’s not wrong,” Mark says. “You need to let yourself feel happiness and not run away from every good feeling that comes over you.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because . . . it makes me feel cheap—dirty.” Fuck, I hate that son of a bitch for leaving her so broken that this is how she feels about herself.
“You aren’t either of those things, not even close,” Mark tells her. “What happened doesn’t make you cheap or dirty or whatever else you’re thinking. It happened, and you have been punishing yourself ever since.”
“He’s right,” I add. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep taking this wound and ripping it further open beyond repair. You have to try and leave it be, and allow it to heal.”
“I don’t know,” she says and I can tell she’s about to cry, so I drop it and change the subject.
“I’m proud of you,” I tell her “I honestly didn’t think you would come out with us tonight. Thought you might back out.” I give her a smile and she leans forward, between the seats, and gives me a hug.
“I’m glad I came,” she whispers in my ear.
Mark gives her a kiss and then gets back behind the wheel. When we get to her house I offer to come in, but she assures me that she’s fine. Once, she’s inside, I grab Mark’s hand and admit, “I hate this.”
Looking over at me, he asks, “Hate what?”
“The way she feels about herself. It pisses me off because it’s so messed up.”
“I know, but it makes sense that she would think that way, as crazy as it sounds,” he says as he drives us back to my place.
“I just want her to be happy.”
Mark squeezes my hand. “I know you do. She will be. It just might not be for a while.”
Lying down in bed, Mark rolls on his side and says, “I don’t want to pressure you, but Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. I just was wondering where your head is at with it all.”
I fold my hands behind my head and sigh. “I don’t know.” A part of me is still surprised that he hasn’t wavered on me.
“What are you so worried about?”
Everything. Meeting his family, their reaction to me, their reaction to us, taking our relationship further. “I just don’t know what to expect.”
“Jase, you have nothing to worry about. I swear. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s only in your head.”
I get so much from Mark, and I know it isn’t fair. He gives and I take. I think about how much I want Candace to push herself, but in a way, I’m holding back just like she is. Scared of the unknown. I know I need to trust that Mark has my back, but more than that, I need to show him that I have his. That I am in this. Because I am.
; “If the answer is no, that’s fine, babe. Just say the word, and I won’t bring it up again.”
“I’ll go,” I say as I roll on my side to face him straight on.
Shaking his head, he questions, “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to hold back with you anymore. It isn’t fair.”
Looking deep into my eyes, he says softly, “It’s not about being fair. I love you, Jase. I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll give you whatever you need.”
When I wrap my arm around his waist, I tell him, “I’ve been taking too much though.”
He brushes his lips over mine before kissing me. As he trails his lips down my neck, he breathes on my skin, “I don’t care how much you take.”
I grab his hair and guide him back up to my mouth. Mark slides his tongue along my lower lip and nips it. His chest is hot against my skin, and I cling to him, pulling him flush against me. We tangle our legs, and I just can’t seem to get close enough to him. I want him. All of him. And I want to give him back everything I’ve taken.
I shift on top of him and take my time as I graze my mouth across his chest, flicking my tongue over his nipple, and kissing my way down his taut abs. Hooking my fingers around the waistband of his boxers, I slide them down and toss them on the floor. I look down at him, and everything is near perfection for me.
Settling myself between his legs, I trail my tongue up the length of him before sucking him into my mouth. His hands are twisted in my hair, gripping tightly as he guides me at his own pace, and I let him take control.
I know that Mark has gone out of his comfort zone with me to give me what I want, and I want to be able to do the same for him.
When Mark’s breathing grows heavy, I drag my mouth off of him and grip him in my hand as I shift to his side. He kisses me slowly, dipping his tongue in my mouth. We move lazily together, not wanting to rush while I continue to stroke him in my hand.
I’m so turned on and hard right now, and I have to resist the urge to bury myself deep inside of him, because for once, I want to give him the satisfaction he’s been denying himself. For me.
Mumbling over his lips, I hesitantly whisper, “You can have me.” Never have I been the bottom, but I know it isn’t Mark’s thing either. He’s let me take control all the times we’ve had sex in the past, but I’m done being selfish with him.
As he shifts back slightly to look in my eyes, he takes a moment before asking, “Are you sure?”
I nod my head, and he begins to question, “You’ve never . . .?”
“No.”
“Jase—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “I love you. I really fuckin’ love you. And I—”
He doesn’t let me finish when he covers my mouth with his. He moves on top of me and breaks our kiss only long enough for him to remove my shorts and sling them aside. He lies between my legs and returns his lips to mine as I band my arms around him, pulling his weight on top of me. I’m nervous about doing this, but there isn’t anyone else I would do this for, and I know it. I trust Mark, and I love him. That’s enough.
He leans over and opens the drawer to my nightstand. I watch him as he moves slowly and takes his time getting me ready for him. Reaching down, he braces himself over me with his one arm.
“Just relax, okay?” he breathes out as he slowly pushes himself inside of me. My breathing begins to stagger at the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling. My body instinctively tenses up around him, and he repeats, “Relax, babe.”
And when I do, he continues to ease himself the rest of the way in. We lie there for a while, kissing slowly, as he lets me get used to him and not feel so tense.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say as I nod my head, and when I do, he begins to move. I hold him close to me as his body lies on top of mine. And the closeness alone overwhelms me. Having him inside of me is intense. There is no give and take right now. We just are.
We take our time and never move too fast. Eventually the uncomfortable feeling passes and my body heats up with the pleasure that begins to overtake me. Closing my eyes, I moan out, “Oh, God,” as he pushes himself inside of me.
Dropping his head in the crook of my neck, he breathes hard, “You feel so good.”
His words burn through me, and I reach down and start stroking myself, needing more of this feeling that’s shooting through me. I stare up into Mark’s green eyes as he looks into mine. Neither of us speaks through our labored breaths. I take my free hand and wrap it behind his neck, and he drops his damp forehead to mine.
I lift my chin and kiss him as I feel myself getting close. I know Mark is with me when he grows harder, swelling inside of me, and the pressure building is more intense than I have ever felt before. I can’t hold back when I start to come. Violent euphoria rips through me, and I can’t even keep my eyes open as I roll my head back into the pillow. My abs constrict as the pulses of pleasure take me over. I hear Mark groan as he begins to lose himself, grinding himself into me. The longer he moves inside of me, the more he prolongs my release, and like a greedy bastard, I don’t want him to stop. And he doesn’t, knowing what he’s doing to me.
When he collapses on top of me, I wrap my arms around him. I can feel the thudding of his heart through his chest, and I know I am with exactly who I should be. No doubts. No questions. He’s freed me in a way I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t know I could open myself up this way to another man and be so exposed. But he doesn’t judge. He has only ever given me the benefit of the doubt, letting me stumble at my own pace. And even though I am scared shitless about meeting his family, I want to because there isn’t anyone else I want to be with.
He’s it.
“Hey, man,” Ryan says as he’s walking into my apartment. “You guys ready?”
“Mark is still at Aiden’s place going over some of the new songs.”
Sitting down on the couch, he asks, “How’s that been going? Those two have been at each other’s throats for a while now.”
“You wanna beer?” I ask from the kitchen before answering him.
“Yeah.”
Grabbing a couple of beers from the fridge, I hear the door open, and when I look up, I see Candace walking in, looking like a mess, startled, staring at Ryan.
“Hey, is everything all right?” I ask as I start walking into the living room.
I hand a bottle to Ryan and look at her with her wet hair like she just got out of the shower.
“Umm, yeah . . . I mean, no.” She’s stumbling over her words, and I know I’m not gonna figure out what has her on edge with Ryan here. But I ask anyway. “What’s that mean?”
“Nothing, never mind,” she sighs as she flops down in the chair. “I didn’t know you would have company, or I would’ve called or something.”
I laugh and tell her, “Candace, I gave you a key so you wouldn’t have to call. You can come over whenever.”
As she turns to watch the TV, I look over at Ryan, who’s staring intently at her. He’s leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, gripping the neck of the bottle with his hand. There is no doubt he’s interested. I suddenly feel very protective of her, knowing that he has no clue how fucked up she is right now. I like Ryan; he’s a nice guy and all, but I’m wary about whatever intentions might be running through his head. Candace never dealt well with guys even before the attack. Now . . . well . . . now she’s just barely staying afloat.
“You okay?” Ryan asks her.
She looks at him and then over at me. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says as she focuses back on the TV. “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s finishing up rehearsals with the band. He should be here shortly, then we are heading out to Malone’s to shoot some pool and chill,” I say as my cell starts ringing. When I pull it out of my pocket, I see it’s Mark. Knowing he’s probably going to be in an irritated mood, I grab my jacket and head out to the balcony to talk to him.
“Hey, where are you?” I
ask.
“I’m heading over now. Sorry I’m running late. Is Ryan there?”
“Yeah. So is Candace.”
“Is everything okay?” he asks.
Leaning against the railing, I watch the rain fall from the dark sky. “Yeah. Something’s going on, but whatever it is doesn’t seem to be bothering her too much. I didn’t pry ‘cause Ryan is here.”
“Okay, well, I’m about ten minutes away.”
“How did everything go with the guys?”
“Not as bad as I thought. Aiden is just on a different page with this whole music thing. He’s a lot more serious about it than the rest of us. He’s pissed, but he’s been easier to handle.”
“Is he looking to push this into something bigger?”
“Yeah, but I’m not looking to get signed or anything. This is just a hobby for me,” he says.
I turn, looking into the apartment, and see that Candace and Ryan are talking. “I’ll see you in a bit. I’m gonna head back inside.”
“Okay, see ya.”
“Who was that?” Candace asks when I walk back in.
“Just Mark. He’s on his way.”
“Hey, did you get a chance to think about Saturday?” Ryan asks her, and I am caught off guard.
When the hell did they talk about making plans on Saturday? “Saturday?” I ask.
“Yeah, I asked her to come hiking with us.”
Instead of questioning when this conversation happened, I take the bait to try and get Candace to step out of her comfort zone a little more and go with us. I never asked her before ‘cause I figured she’d shoot me down, but since apparently Ryan has invited her, I add, “Oh yeah? You coming?”
She lies to me when she says, “I have a lot of studying to do before finals.”
I’m not gonna let her avoid this, so I don’t let up. “Please, we both know you are way ahead in all your classes. You should come. We are hiking up to the Tolmie Peak Lookout.”
She looks over at Ryan, and I am sure she doesn’t want to fight in front of him when she lets out a sigh, saying, “Fine.”
She shakes her head at me when I smile in satisfaction.
“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Mark says as he barges through the door with his guitar case slung across his chest. “Let me put this up, and I’ll be ready to go.”
