by E. K. Blair
“Please, Ryan.”
Hearing her desperate voice, I take off my boxers and then sit back as I remove her shorts. She quickly strips her top off and pulls me down to her, urging me, so I go ahead and slide inside of her. Nothing about this feels right. With her eyes closed, she grabs my hips, wanting me to move faster, so I do. As she clings to me, and I give her a part of me that I never wanted to experience with her. She won’t look at me, and I don’t feel like I could even ask that of her. Holding on to my hips, she encourages me to thrust myself inside of her. I never wanted it to be this way with us. So disconnected and too fast.
I watch as she cries. She’s cried while we’ve made love in the past but for completely different reasons. It kills me to know that it isn’t me behind her closed eyes; it’s chaos mixed with me. It’s him, it’s that night, it’s this night, it’s everything I never wanted to bring into our bed.
Moving at the speed we are, it doesn’t take long for both of us to come, and when I roll off of her, I pull her close to me and cling to her, hating what we just did. My chest is heavy, and my throat is achingly tight. I reach down and find her hand, locking my fingers with hers.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers on a broken voice. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
And even though I never want to do that again, I would if it was really what she needed, so I tell her, “Don’t be. You take whatever you need from me,” because I’d give it all no matter how much it hurt me just to take away an ounce of her pain.
Waking in the middle of the night, I open my eyes to see light filtering from underneath the bathroom door. Candace isn’t in bed with me, and when I walk over to the closed door, I can hear her soft cries on the other side. Slowly, I open the door to find her sitting on the edge of the tub with her head in her hands.
Kneeling down in front of her, I rest my hands on her legs. She doesn’t respond to my presence, she just keeps her face covered as she tries to control the sobs that are breaking through.
“Talk to me, baby. Please.”
“It’s . . . I just, I can’t get it out of my head now.” When she lets her hands fall, her eyes are so swollen and red. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Her wrecked voice penetrates me, and I feel my throat begin to restrict again as I fight my own tears back.
“I’m so sorry,” I release on a hard breath. “I’m sorry I lost it like that and scared you.” I pause for a moment, and then admit, “I scared myself.”
She catches her breath and looks at me. She’s worn out, but I continue to talk.
“I wanted to kill him.” Those are the words that break me and cause the tears to escape. “I would have killed him if it weren’t for Max pulling me off of him. I’ve only wanted to kill one other person in my life, and he’s dead. And now I wonder if I’m turning into him.”
When I drop my head onto her lap, she lifts it back up and holds my face in her hands as she says through her tears, “You’re nothing like him. I don’t have any doubt about saying that. And I’m not scared of you. I never have been.”
“I completely lost control. Wasn’t even fully aware of what I was doing.”
She slides off the edge of the tub and onto the floor with me as we wrap each other up in our arms.
“I wasn’t scared of you, Ryan. I was just so scared of losing you,” she cries. “I was afraid you’d kill him and I wouldn’t have you.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. But I’m here. I swear you’re not gonna lose me,” I assure her. “I promise you that he will never step foot in my bar again.”
We cling to each other, and when we both calm down, she softly says, “I’m sorry about earlier. I just . . . I wasn’t thinking.”
“Don’t be sorry, babe. I love you. I’d give you just about anything if you asked me for it.”
“It was wrong. Selfish.”
Brushing the hair off of her face, I tell her, “Do you know how much I love you?”
“Hmm,” she hums.
“You don’t ever have to worry about me because I’ve never wanted anyone the way I do you.”
She kisses me, and I linger in it before picking her up and taking her back to bed. I can’t help the worry that still consumes me. I wonder how she’s going to feel about everything when she wakes up. I can only hope that tonight doesn’t have a lasting impact on her because I feel like she was just starting to come out of herself. But all I can do tonight is hold on to her, hold on to my hope.
Waking up, I roll over to Candace but she isn’t here. The bed is empty, and when I look over to the bathroom, the door is wide open and the lights are off. She’s probably downstairs drinking her coffee.
“Candace,” I call out as I sit up, still half-asleep.
When there’s no response, I walk out of the room and see her cell phone lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs.
What the hell?
“Candace,” I call out again as my pulse quickens, wondering where she is. I rush over to the windows only to see that her car is gone. Panic and confusion start to tear through me. What the hell happened last night? Where is she?
I throw on a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt before getting my shoes on and then I’m out the front door and in my jeep. I rush over to her house and figure if she isn’t there then she must be at Jase’s, but when I pull up, her car is in the driveway.
Thank God.
I knock lightly, and when no one answers, I check the handle to find it’s unlocked. Worried about why she’s here and not in my bed, I go ahead and let myself in, making my way back to her room. As soon as I open her door, she’s in a frenzy, slinging the sheets from her bed across the room.
“Candace?”
She snaps around, and her face is worse than it was last night. Puffy with bloodshot eyes, and she’s crying.
“Get out,” she seethes, and my gut knots. I don’t know what’s going on, but the look in her eyes is freaking me out.
“Babe, what’s going on?” I ask as I walk towards her, but she shoots her arms out at me, not wanting me to come any closer.
“Stay away from me.”
“Baby, what happened?”
She begins to cry loudly as she backs herself against the wall, and I just want to know what the fuck happened and why she’s acting so scared of me.
“You know exactly what happened. You know exactly who I am!” she screams.
I stand there, in the middle of her room, confused as shit while my mind races to find clarity in this.
Suddenly, it hits.
She knows.
But how?
She’s freaking out, and I can’t seem to find the right words to explain myself.
“How could you?!” she screams, and I don’t know how I’m gonna calm her down. My heart is pounding, and the utter fear inside of me has me in a panic.
“Babe, let me explain.”
“Explain what?! That you’ve been lying to me this whole time? That you’ve just been using me? Why?!”
“No! It’s not like that. I didn’t know.”
“How could you not know? God, I’m so fucking stupid.”
“I didn’t know when I first met you. I didn’t know until I saw your tattoo,” I try telling her, but I see it in her eyes. She doesn’t believe me, and I don’t know what to do.
Fuck. What do I do?
“What?!”
“Babe, please let me explain.”
“Get out! Get the fuck out! I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Her words pierce through me, and I choke in a breath as she falls to the floor, wailing, but I can’t leave. My mind is racing, and I’m at a loss.
“Just leave me alone,” she cries.
“I’m not leaving,” I tell her because I don’t know how to leave her. I can’t. I’ve never seen her so mad and to have all that anger directed at me makes me terrified to walk away until I know we’re okay.
I quickly move to the floor, kneeling in front of her, but she coils herself a
way from me.
I’m desperate.
“I fuckin’ hate you,” she throws at me, and it kills. “You made me fall in love with you, and it was all a goddamn lie.”
“God, Candace. Please let me explain,” I beg as I reach out to touch her.
“Get out! Get the fuck out!”
My head snaps back when I hear the door slam open.
“Get the fuck out and away from her before I call the cops,” Kimber says as she stands in the doorway, but I don’t give a shit about her as I look back to my girl who is falling apart on me.
“Babe, please. I love you so fuckin’ much. Let me explain. Don’t do this.”
“I didn’t do shit, Ryan! Just go. It’s over!” She covers her face and won’t even look at me. It’s like a damn knife in my heart, and I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to believe her words. She’s just upset. She can’t really want this to be over.
“I’m serious. After the shit from last night, you better get the fuck away from her and leave. Now!” I hear Kimber say from behind me.
I don’t know how to fix this or what I can do. Every time I speak, I seem to only make it worse. So against everything I want to do, I stand up and walk away. It’s like I’m losing her piece by piece with every step I take, but I love her too much to hurt her, and I’m so fuckin’ mad at myself for lying to her.
Walking past Kimber, I can’t even look back to Candace who’s crumpled on the floor crying. It hurts too much to know I’m the cause of her pain. How could I do this to her? How could I have been so selfish?
“Fuuuck!” I scream, gritting it out of my lungs as I slam the door shut and walk out to my car. Getting in, I strike my palms against the steering wheel, pounding it over and over again, screaming. It hurts coming out, but I need to feel the pain because I feel like I just lost everything.
I’ve seen her cry and be upset in the past, but this . . . this is beyond just being upset. Instead of going back inside to be with her, comfort her, explain to her how stupid I am, I drive back home. I don’t want to, but I do. I don’t feel like I have a choice since I just ripped out my girlfriend’s heart because I was too much of a coward to tell her the truth.
Walking through the door, I see her phone that remains at the bottom of the stairs and begin to wonder what the hell happened while I was asleep. How did she find out? I have a thousand questions swarming inside of me, but I’m just too far gone to concentrate to try to make sense out of all of this.
I don’t know how to respond or what I should do. I figure I’ll give her space to calm down before I try talking to her again. She has to understand. She has to listen and believe me when I tell her how much I love her. I can’t lose her, but what if she doesn’t believe me?
The agony ripping through me hurts so much, and I can’t control the unrelenting tears that begin to pour out of me, taking every bit of happiness with them, until I’m nothing but numb, sitting on the couch and staring out at the rain.
Time doesn’t exist right now. Nothing does. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here in a stagnant melancholy when I hear a knock on my door. I hope with everything I have that she’s standing on the other side. When I walk over and open it, I barely get a glimpse of Jase before his fist barrels into the side of my face, clipping my jaw, causing me to lose my balance as I stumble back.
“I told you not to fuck around with her.”
Looking up, he steps inside and slams the door shut. I wish he would come back and bury his fist into me again. I deserve every hit. When I straighten myself up and wipe the blood from my split lip, he’s pissed and has every right.
“What the fuck, man?” he slings at me.
I don’t even try to defend myself. I’m a piece of shit and know it.
“You better fuckin’ say something and give me a reason to not beat the shit out of your ass.”
“Is she okay?” I ask because that’s all I care about.
“No, man. She’s not okay. She’s a fuckin’ mess right now, and I don’t know what to do for her. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” I say as I walk over and flop down on the couch. “I didn’t know it was her.”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“I’m not bullshitting you.”
“Did you just feel sorry for her?”
“Fuck no. It wasn’t like that.”
“Then tell me what it was like, because right now, my best friend is falling apart,” he says, completely pissed, as he sits down in the chair.
His words hit me hard, and I lose it. I don’t even try to hide my pain from him because at this point, I feel like I have nothing left. I give him the honest truth when I tell him, “I was the one who called 911 that night. But that girl was unrecognizable, so when I met Candace, the only thing that struck me about her and that girl in the alley was their small size. I swear I didn’t know it was her.”
“But you did eventually.”
“She has this tattoo. The same tattoo I saw that night. I had already fallen hard for her when I saw it, and it fuckin’ killed me. I didn’t know how to tell her at that point. I couldn’t hurt her.”
“So you lied to her?”
“It didn’t seem like a lie, man. Not for a while. Not until she opened up to me about the rape.”
“So why didn’t you tell her then?” he asks.
“I was scared I’d lose her. It was selfish, but I love that girl with everything I have. I just . . . I didn’t know how to tell her.”
“When I met you at the bar that morning . . . you hadn’t just found out, had you? You already knew.”
“Yeah, man. I knew,” I admit. “It was just the first time she opened up about it.”
Jase leans forward, with his elbows propped on his legs when he releases a deep breath and says, “You should have told me. We could have figured out a way to tell her.”
The two of us have become pretty decent friends, and now I see that I deceived him as well.
“I’m sorry, man,” I tell him, completely defeated.
He stares out the window when he says, “She’s devastated.”
I want to help her, but I’m not even sure if I know how. “What do I do?” I ask, desperate.
“I don’t know. She feels betrayed and lied to. Like she was some project just to make you feel better about what you saw.”
“She said that?”
He nods his head, and I ask, “You believe that?”
When he looks over at me, he says, “No. I know you love her. I get that you were trying to protect her.”
“I just need to talk to her. I need her to understand.”
“I don’t know if that’s gonna happen.” He takes a pause before continuing. “You know how she is. She avoids and hides. I don’t know if she’s gonna want to deal with this pain.”
Lowering my head, I choke out, “I can’t lose her.” I let the agony take over me for a moment before I sit up, and ask, “How did she find out?”
“She spoke with the detective this morning.”
“What?” I ask in shock. “Wait. Is she pressing charges?” I ask.
“I think she was considering it, but now, I don’t think so. I don’t think she’d be able to deal with it right now. Not with how upset she is.”
I had no idea that she was thinking about this. Enough to make a phone call. It’s all I’ve ever wanted her to do. To take control and stand up for herself. Whether or not she wants me in her life, I need her to do this because I know it will help her deal with all of it, so I tell Jase, “You need to tell her to do it.”
“I don’t think it’s gonna happen, man. Not now.”
Guilt floods me. Knowing that I possibly ruined this for her. Ruined this opportunity for her to seek justice and to help herself fight through this. That my lie would take that away from her. I feel like I keep failing her. Hurting her because of my selfish decision.
“Talk to her. Tell her to not let what I did stop her from doing somet
hing about this. She needs to do something.”
“I know that. Trust me, I do. But she’s in a bad place right now, and I can’t push her.”
I take in his words, knowing that he’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Jase stands up and says, “She wants me to get her things.”
His words take me by surprise. “Why?”
He doesn’t say anything, but I can read his face. She’s having a knee-jerk reaction, and I’m losing control. That she would be so quick to walk away from me. To want her things out of my house. The place she’s been spending all of her time when she’s not at school. How could she want me gone in an instant when I want to fight so hard to keep her? I want to throw him outta here. Not because he isn’t a friend of mine, but because the longer he’s here, the more I feel her slipping away. If he takes her things, he takes a reason for her to come back here. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s all I have.
“How much?” I ask, fearing the words that come next.
“Everything.”
He follows me upstairs, and as I help him pack her clothes and dance stuff, it’s like I’m packing up parts of me that she helped me find. Without her, I just don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t even wrap my head around what’s going on right now.
I go into the bathroom to get her belongings, but I keep a few of her things, including her bottle of perfume. I can’t let him take all of her away from me, so I leave them on the counter as I carry her other items out and pack them in her bag.
I watch as Jase zips it up and slings it over his shoulder. Before he walks out, he steps next to me and says, “I’m sorry.”
Nodding my head, because I can’t speak with the pain in my chest, he adds, “I’ll try talking to her for you. You’re a good guy and the only reason why she was able to be happy after what happened to her,” before walking out of my room and out the front door to head back to where I left my heart—with Candace.
Turning to face the bed, I look at the mussed up sheets where I held her last night. I tell myself that she just needs time. That when she calms down, I’ll be able to explain everything and we can work this out. Because we just have to.
