Penny looked up from the book she had been reading and hid her amused smile as Rake slowly walked, or rather stumbled, into the library, grimacing against the radiant sunbeams which drowned the room with light.
“I beg your pardon?”
He squinted at her where she sat on her favorite windowsill. “Lose the act, my love. You know what I’m talking about.”
She didn’t know how to respond to that and decided to stay quiet and, for once, let him do the talking. She wanted this man with every part of her being and could so easily grab the lead and drag him into marriage. But yesterday she had made a solemn promise to herself to marry him only if he felt the same way, which meant he actually needed to tell her so.
Wringing water from a stone would probably be an easier mission, but she was determined to be either devastatingly unhappy without him or absurdly happy with him. She wouldn’t settle for something between, whether it was marrying Thomas or marrying a Rake who thought he had no other choice.
“How can you stand the light? My eyes hurt like hell. Do you think we could go somewhere else to talk?”
She nodded, jumped gracefully down from the sill, and motioned for him to follow her into the small windowless room in which the duke stored all the family’s oldest books.
“Ah, better.” Rake let out a sigh filled with contentment as he sank down onto the comfortable sofa, the only piece of furniture in the room besides the book-filled shelves covering all four walls.
Penny stopped in the doorway, all too aware of what had happened between them the last time they were alone in a confined space. This was not the time to let him try to seduce her again—which he probably would, the scoundrel, if she let him any closer to her than an arm’s length.
“You can come inside. I promise I won’t bite.”
He looked at her with an amused arch of his eyebrow, and she felt her cheeks heat as she shook her head without answering him.
“No?”
“I’m fine here, thank you.”
“It’s a very comfortable sofa.”
“I know.”
Again he lashed his unreadable grin at her, and again she felt her cheeks burn. This was Rake the wicked libertine, and it was surprisingly good to see him. It was almost as in the old days, before everything went bad. Before she went to London for her first Season.
“Can you at least close the door, please? I think we need some privacy for this conversation.”
“No.”
“No? Why not? I won’t throw myself all over you as soon as you…” His voice trailed off, and his grin came back. “Oh.”
He chuckled, crossing his legs in a leisurely manner, clearly enjoying this situation a lot more than she did. It wasn’t too hard for her to guess why, though. He thought he had her in his hand, that he finally had won the struggle between them that had lasted over a year.
Little did he know she wasn’t ready to give in just yet. She almost chuckled wickedly herself, but managed to stop in time. No, her beloved scoundrel, who sat there with a victorious gleam in his smoky eyes, would soon be aware he wouldn’t win so easily.
“I have to admit I don’t remember much from yesterday’s ball. I have a distant memory of you and me dancing, but then it’s kind of a blur until I woke up locked inside my mother’s salon, with my trousers loose and falling to my ankles.”
He looked at her as if he expected her to respond in some way, and she forced herself to stand still, to show as little emotion as possible.
With a slightly irritated frown, he continued, “At first I didn’t understand what had happened, but considering the status of my trousers and... Anyway, I rather understood what had happened then, but it wasn’t until I found your wings in the corner I realized it was with you.”
Again he stared hard at her, as if mentally trying to force her response, and she dug her nails deep into the palms of her hands in her effort to not give away any emotion or reply in any way. She must have an evil core inside her, she knew, as his obvious frustration with her silence pleased her immensely.
Let him suffer a bit. Let him feel as confused as she had felt over the last months. It would only do him—and her—well. At least she hoped it would.
“Are you all right?” He stood up and walked over to her, not stopping until he stood so close she had to lean her head backwards to be able to look into his narrowed eyes.
“I’m fine, thank you.” She gave him a small smile which was meant to calm him, but instead his frown deepened.
“No, you are not. You can’t be. You just had quite an experience last night, and even though I know I never would do you any harm, not even when drunker than I’ve ever been before, I might not have been as gentle with you last night as I would have otherwise.”
“I’m fine. Truly, I am.”
“Penny, my love, you can be honest with me. I can take the truth. If I scared or hurt you in any way, I need to know. Please indulge me.”
“Truly, I’m fine. No need for you to be this anxious about it.”
“Well, then, was I any good?”
She stared at him openmouthed. “What?”
“I have never been that drunk while making love, and I just wondered if I’m as good a lover drunk as when I’m sober. Good to know, you know.”
“You…” She couldn’t believe her ears. The snake. The selfish, awful snake. How could he even think that…
It was the smug smile he couldn’t hide that told her he had only been teasing to finally get a reaction from her, and she cursed silently as she clamped her mouth shut, but too late.
His victorious sneer told her as much.
Damn. Bloody double damn.
“Shall we start this all over again?” He leaned closer to her, and she caught her breath as his mouth came closer to hers, and not until she felt the door bump into her backside did she realize he had only been reaching for the door to close it firmly behind her.
Again she was caught in a room alone with him, but this time he was sober—almost—and had a determined look upon his handsome face. Quickly she slipped under his arm and rushed to the sofa to put it between them as a barrier.
“I could easily jump the sofa, you know.” He leaned against the now-closed door and crossed his arms with an amused grin. The snake was obviously enjoying the situation a bit more than she did.
“I know,” she admitted through her teeth. “I might be ignorant of much, but I’m not stupid.”
“I never called you stupid or ignorant. Simpleminded, I might have said, though, now and then.”
She snorted but decided wisely against replying. She would never win a battle of words with him and knew it was better to get to the core of this conversation as soon as possible, before he kissed her senseless, as his smoldering eyes hotly promised.
“I am fine. You don’t have to worry. I was a bit distraught last night, I admit, but now I can handle it.”
He nodded, accepting the truth in her words with a relieved little sigh. “All right, then. Let’s not spend any more time going over what happened yesterday, which we have all the time in the world to talk about later. Let us instead talk about something more important now: our future.”
She liked his words “our future” a bit too much, she realized, and hardened her soft heart against him. He still hadn’t mentioned loving her, and she had made her vow: for her it was all or nothing. She didn’t want anything in between, and all she had to do now was to see it through.
“For starters, you have to tell Thomas you can’t marry him,” he continued, a gruesome note in his voice. “I know it’s a bit much to ask of you, especially considering my mother’s big announcement yesterday, but it’s not fair of you to keep him to his promise.”
“How low is your opinion of me?” She growled at him. “Of course I broke off the engagement before your mother had a chance to announce anything. Thomas is too good to ever be lied to in any way.”
“The engagement is off?”
His obvious as
tonishment irritated her. Why was it so hard for him to believe that she already had told Thomas it was off? She wasn’t an ogre, like him, to keep others dangling without caring.
Thomas deserved the truth.
“Yes, I spoke with Thomas as soon as I could after, after, you know…”
“No, I don’t know. After what?”
She couldn’t resist sticking out her tongue toward him, the snake. He was such a tease, never able to resist an opportunity to bicker. Life with him would have its ups and downs, but if she only knew he loved her with all his heart it would be worth it.
If only he would tell her.
“So let us talk about our future then.” She ignored his amusement over her childish action.
He raised an eyebrow. “Let us, indeed.”
When he didn’t continue, she sighed, frustrated. So she would have to drag it out of him? Why couldn’t he just act the perfect gentleman and tell her what she needed to hear? Then everything would finally come to its perfect fairytale end: happily ever after.
“So where do we go from here?” She was unable to withhold her irritation any longer.
“To the closest bedroom?”
“Rake!”
“Ah, woman, I love it when you gasp. Are you sure you don’t want to meet me on the sofa instead of hiding behind it?”
She sighed. He didn’t make it easy for her. “Please, can’t we just talk about the future? This is not the time to tease the subject away.”
He gave her his most wicked grin. “How can I talk about the future when I can’t remember the past? If you could help me remember last night a bit, I might feel much more obliged to talk about more boring things than kissing that lovely spot under your ear.”
This time her sigh was defeated. “You almost make me regret ending my engagement with Thomas. He wouldn’t have been too afraid to talk to me about something more serious than kissing.”
“No, he would have discussed the political climate in Scotland rather than anyone’s emotions. Don’t forget my dear, I know Thomas too. He hasn’t got a romantic bone in his boring saintly body, and you would have suffocated as his wife.” Slowly he started toward her, mesmerizing her with the lustful promises in his eyes.
“Now you’re being rude,” she rushed to say, to put some mental distance between them. “Thomas might not be the most passionate of men, in your eyes, but that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy a private moment as much as the next man.”
Rake stopped on the other side of the sofa, his eyes losing their warmth. “And how do you know this? By experience?”
Oh, Lord, save me from simpleminded men.
She shook her head slowly. “I give up. Obviously you are not interested in what I find important, as all you can think about is, as you put it, kissing. Let us just part here and now and go on with our lives as they are. I’m too tired to let you bounce me around like this. I need peace and quiet, and you offer me neither.”
“I think you are overreacting a bit, my love. I’m merely teasing you…”
Angrily she walked to his side of the sofa and shoved him hard in the chest, forcing him to stumble back slightly. “Overreacting? I’m overreacting? That’s quite rude of you to say, since you don’t react at all. For all I know, you don’t care a bit about me or what happened between us yesterday. And honestly, right now I don’t either. So let it be. Let me be.” With a last snarl, she walked right past him, yanked the door open, and stomped through the empty library and out into the hallway.
She met the duchess on the stairs to the first floor, and the poor woman paled as Penny sent her a don’t-you-even-dare-to-ask look as she passed her. Not until she was securely inside her bedroom door did she breathe again, deep, shaky breaths which tore through her body.
So be it. She would have to continue with her life devastatingly unhappy, but at least it was by her own choice. She would die an old maid—almost—but at least she would know she had lived her life fair and square.
So what if she would spend every day and night longing for him and for what could have been—it didn’t matter. Not in the long run.
She couldn’t face a life that resembled the almost-conversation she’d just had with him, with her constantly on her toes trying to get him to show her any emotion at all, and him trying to seduce her instead, unable or unwilling to let her come behind the walls he raised around his heart.
A soft knock on her door interrupted her erratic thoughts, and at first she decided not to answer. It didn’t matter who it was standing on the other side of the door, she wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened. Or rather, what hadn’t happened.
But as the knocking stubbornly continued, she gave in and went to the door, where she leaned her cheek against the hard wood. “Yes?”
Rake’s voice was sharp. “Open.”
“No.”
“Don’t do this, Penny. Don’t do this to us.”
“I just tried to talk to you, to reach out to you,” she cried out, and she heard him lean against the door heavily.
“I know.”
“But you didn’t let me.”
“I know.”
She almost rolled her eyes, but something in his voice stopped her. “Why?”
“It’s not easy for me. Why can’t we just kiss and agree that everything is good between us again? Why do you so stubbornly have to talk about it?”
“Because I need to.”
She heard him chuckle, but there was no amusement in the dead, almost defeated sound. “I don’t. I only need you.”
By now, tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she wiped them away angrily. “Why do you need me?”
“What kind of daft question is that? Why do you think I need you? Because I want you.”
“But why do you want me?”
He was silent for so long she almost thought he had left. Just as she had decided against her better judgment to open the door to see if he still was there, he spoke again. “I need you, Penny. I need you in my arms, in my life. But that is all there is. I can’t give you what more it is you want, because you refuse to let me know what it is. I have shown you every card I’ve got, and if that’s not enough for you…”
His voice trailed off, and she heard him breathe as deeply and shakily as she just had, before he continued, “If that’s not enough for you, I’ll do as you ask and leave you alone.”
This time she didn’t care about the tears which clouded her eyesight. Instead, she closed her eyes and put her hand against the door, pretending it was his beloved face she touched.
“I need more.”
“Then I’m not the man for you.”
She heard him move away from the door, leaving her alone as he’d said he would. With a groan she grabbed the handle.
What was she doing?
She had everything she’d ever wanted within her reach, but because of her stupid pride and a wish to be loved she was about to throw it all away.
But she was too late.
As she lunged out into the corridor, she saw him dashing down the stairs to disappear to the ground floor, and she knew there was not a chance for her to catch up with him now. She rushed back into her bedroom and to the window, where she could see him striding across the courtyard toward the stables, in a desperate hurry to leave Chester Park.
To leave her.
She spent the rest of the day in the foyer, waiting for Rake to return and biting the head off everyone who dared to ask what she was doing there. But when it was time for dinner, he still hadn’t shown his face, and she sighed.
What was she to do?
She desperately needed to talk to someone, but she didn’t know whom. The duchess was too much involved to be able to help her sort her confused thoughts, and she didn’t feel comfortable approaching any of the Darling men about her emotions and Rake’s reactions.
There was only one person who could give her what she needed right now, other than Rake himself. Only one person who would listen to her without judgi
ng her or putting her own feelings in front of Penny’s.
Her mother.
She went to the window next to the front door and looked down the dusky road which led to her childhood home, her heart crying for Lady Nester.
She needed her mother. She needed to hide in her loving embrace and listen to her steady heartbeat while spilling out all about her confused state of mind.
This wasn’t right. Why was she standing here like a fisherman’s wife, staring longingly toward the horizon, eagerly waiting for her loved one to return, without knowing if he actually would?
She was done with being a thoughtless doll. She had to act. No, she needed desperately to act.
She had to do something about it and not just stand here waiting for him, day in and day out. She knew she had somewhere during the last year chosen the wrong path. Or, to be honest, she had probably done that more than once.
When it came to Rake, she didn’t seem able to think straight. She had her dream of him, which she had nursed with care for as long as she could remember. A dream of a perfect man in a perfect life.
But Rake wasn’t perfect. And the last couple of months had showed her she wasn’t either. So why chase the perfect love? She already had Rake. What else did she need? A child’s dream of a life that wasn’t real?
No, she needed the real Rake, her Rake: the laughing family man who would spend the rest of his life driving her crazy with his teasing and his hot kisses.
So what if he wasn’t the knight in shining armor she had been looking forward to? She didn’t want that boring, unflawed man. Hadn’t her whole relationship with Thomas Bedford shown her as much?
With a determined breath she rushed out through the door and dived into the dark evening, ignoring the chill her thin shawl couldn’t hold back. She didn’t care if she wasn’t wanted or if her father was going to throw her all the way back to Chester Park.
She was going to her mother.
Chapter Seventeen
“Don’t you think the drivers will be a bit upset over you emptying their stash of good liquor?”
Rake squinted up at his father, who stood hovering over him where he slumped in a pile of hay in the darkest part of the Chester Park stables.
Never Had a Dream Come True Page 20
