The wet ground penetrated his clothing, but he didn’t care. He barely felt the moisture. “It was my fault, Papa. Carter wouldn’t have died if it hadn’t been for me.”
Tanner stared at the stone marker and wished it were gone and that his father were here, giving him hell for the things he’d done since he left home so many years ago. Instead, a squirrel scampered across the graves and up the nearest tree, where it chattered at Tanner as if he were an intruder.
And he was.
Death had claimed this land, and regardless of how much Tanner wished he were dead, he was still a very living, breathing human being.
He swallowed his tears and took a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you and Mother. I just didn’t feel like you would want me to come home after the way I left. I assumed you would think I was dead. But Mother says she’s been waiting years for my return. And Travis and Tucker have welcomed me back. It’s as if they were happy to see me.”
Tears rolled unbidden down his cheeks. He twisted his hat in his hands. “I wonder if you would have welcomed me home. Mother tells me you looked for me; she said you died awaiting my return. I should have come home earlier. I’m sorry, Papa.”
He sighed. “My life is not something I’m proud of. I’ve done a lot of things I regret. Now I’m home, but I’m afraid my past is going to catch up with me. I don’t want to go, but I feel like I should keep on the move.”
He paused. “I’m tired of fighting and running. I’m tired of always looking over my shoulder.”
Tanner stood and swiped the dreaded tears from his face. He hadn’t cried since Carter died.
He walked around the edge of the grave and picked a fallen leaf off the gray weathered stone. “What do I do, Papa, leave again or stay and take a chance on my past catching up with me? Do I stay and watch Tucker marry Beth, wishing it were me?”
The wind picked up in the trees, rustling the leaves, disturbing the stillness, vanishing the last of the early- morning mist. Tanner glanced down below and saw the family gathering on the porch. Even from here Beth’s auburn hair shone like a beacon. Could he watch his brother make her his wife?
The time to decide had come. And suddenly he knew what he wanted to do.
Tanner was going to stay and take a chance that someone from his past would find him. Suddenly, he didn’t care if they found him. His family had welcomed him home, he’d found acceptance and love within their welcome embrace, and he wanted to remain here with them as long as possible.
Their love had given him more peace than he’d felt for many years, and he wasn’t ready to leave again. But staying would mean he would have to accept the fact that Tucker and Beth would be married. Beth belonged to his brother and regardless of how hard giving her up would be, he would do the honorable thing and not interfere in their relationship.
But he would have to learn to live with the knowledge that he’d slept with his brother’s fiancée. No matter what happened between Beth and Tucker, he had come home and found his family once again.
Tanner put his hat on his head. “Good-bye, Papa.”
***
Beth watched as Tanner walked from the cemetery on the hill toward the house. Suddenly, she knew the moment was upon them to say good-bye, and she didn’t know if she could do it without crying.
He was leaving. And she couldn’t stand the thought of saying good-bye. She wanted to go back into the house, but they were loading up the wagon to attend church this morning. If she ran back into the house, it was going to look suspicious.
Tucker took her hand and helped her into the wagon. He’d spent the night at the ranch instead of returning to town. Several of the guests from last night’s party were loading up their wagons also, with the intention of following them into town and on to church. But first they had to say goodbye to Tanner.
She stared at him walking across the open yard, memorizing every detail, every nuance: the swagger to his walk, the way his brown eyes looked, the way he wore his hat low on his forehead, the dark stubble of his beard.
Travis helped Rose up into the wagon just as Tanner reached the house. “Guess you’ll be leaving this morning,” Travis said.
Beth held her breath as Tanner glanced at his older brother, a bemused expression on his face. “Not yet. I’ve decided to stay a little longer, that is if you can put up with me the way I am and if Tucker doesn’t mind me staying.”
Beth released a sigh of relief. He was staying, and her heart felt as if it were going to pound out of her chest. Part of her was relieved, and part of her was anxious. If he stayed, there could never be anything between them, but she didn’t want him to go.
Rose glanced at her sharply. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” she lied, feeling relieved.
Tucker smiled at Tanner. “As long as you don’t decide to try to kick my ass again.”
Tanner grinned sheepishly, shrugged, and glanced at Beth. “Not anytime soon.”
She wondered at the remark and then noticed the way Tanner’s knuckles were scuffed. Had they fought?
Eugenia stepped out onto the porch from inside the house, unaware of what had been going on. She smiled. “Looks like we’re all ready. Let’s get going.”
The women were seated in the wagon, with Travis handling the reins, while Tucker and Tanner rode their horses. After all the dancing and partying late the night before, the group was quiet as they made their way to Fort Worth and the little church nestled on the edge of town.
All in all, there were three wagonloads of people who had spent the night and then followed them to church this morning. The ride was uneventful except for the way Beth’s eyes constantly strayed to Tanner. She couldn’t help but stare at the way he sat a horse, how the sun bounced off his black hat, the way her heart seemed to flutter at the sight of him.
She took a deep breath, determined to cast him from her mind. Tucker was riding alongside him, and he sat a horse just as well as his brother. But it wasn’t the same, and she knew it.
They pulled up in front of the little white chapel, and Travis set the brake on the wagon. He jumped down and unloaded first his wife, then his mother. Tucker helped Beth out of the wagon, and then they all proceeded into the chapel.
Beth couldn’t remember the last time she had been in a church. She took a seat next to Tucker, with Tanner on her left. She glanced around the chapel at the people who were greeting one another and felt as if she shouldn’t be here.
The people who attended church seemed to be nice people in the community. They appeared to be well dressed, conservative, and friendly. Yet Beth felt out of place. As a child, she remembered weekly visits to church.
This was not the place a woman with her past was welcome, where she would feel comfortable.
Eugenia brought the pastor over. “Reverend, you remember my son Tanner, don’t you? He’s the one who went off and joined the army.”
“Yes, Mrs. Burnett, I do. It’s been many years, though.”
“Nice to see you again, Reverend,” Tanner replied.
“And this is Miss Beth Anderson. She’s a guest in our home, but we hope that she will eventually join the family.”
“Nice to have you, Miss Anderson.”
Beth felt like a hypocrite. She was sitting in a church surrounded by people who had never confronted the choices she’d faced in her life. No, she wasn’t happy about what she’d done, she never would be, but the alternatives had not been acceptable.
The service started, and Beth felt even more uncomfortable at the first prayer. Not only had she made some very difficult decisions that bothered her; she’d also been intimate with Tanner. And part of her didn’t regret being with him. They had shared wonderful, passionate sex that had shocked her with the intensity of how good it had been.
And now she was sitting beside his brother, waiting for the time when he would ask her to marry him.
It wasn’t fair. One man made her feel alive, one man needed a wife, and she needed a husband.
&
nbsp; The reverend approached the pulpit and began to preach on sins of the flesh, and Beth felt as if her face were flaming with shame. She couldn’t meet the man’s eyes. Church was not a place where she belonged, and this chapel was just not somewhere she fit in, especially sitting between the man she was to marry and the man she wanted to make love with, again.
She glanced at Tanner from beneath her eyelashes. Yes, she wanted to touch him again, and that surprised her. If he made the slightest overture, she would give up everything for that moment in his arms again.
And that realization suddenly frightened her. What was she thinking?
She was sitting in church beside the man she was going to marry, dreaming of the way his brother’s hands made her feel, the way his kiss aroused her. Worse, she felt absolutely nothing when Tucker’s lips touched hers.
Church was a place where forgiveness could be found, but suddenly she didn’t want to find redemption. She wanted only to experience the passion that Tanner seemed to arouse. Only with this man had desire completely swept her away, and somehow she wanted to experience their union again.
Suddenly, the air seemed oppressive. She should never have come here. The walls felt as if they were closing in on her. The preacher’s voice droned on from the pulpit; she couldn’t breathe, and she couldn’t take another minute sitting inside this chapel.
She felt faint. She stood, only knowing that she had to get out of there. She had to escape the confines of this room, these people, and the sins that weighed heavy upon her soul.
Beth eased her way out of the pew and walked rapidly down the aisle and out the door. Closing the door quietly behind her, she stopped on the porch of the small building and breathed deeply of the fresh air, willing herself to relax. With each breath she slowly began to unwind.
The door opened and Tanner strode out onto the porch beside her, his face filled with concern. She wanted to moan but didn’t. Why had he followed her?
“Are you okay?”
She took a deep breath. “I think so. I had to get out of there.” She glanced uneasily at him. “I got too warm, I thought I was going to faint.”
He stared at her, concern evident on his face and in his voice. “You didn’t overtire yourself last night, did you?”
“I had some trouble getting to sleep.” It seemed awkward to be standing on the steps of a church talking quietly. His brown eyes were red-rimmed and tired. “It looks like I wasn’t the only one who stayed up way past bedtime last night.”
“Yeah, I guess we all stayed awake late last night.” He gazed at her. “Are you sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”
What could she say? That it was that final thought of wanting to experience passion with him again, of not having any desire for his brother, that had finally driven her from church. The thought of her past and the choices she’d made had screamed sinner. Coupled with the preacher’s sermon, it had driven her from the building and sent her fleeing.
“I’m sure,” she reassured him, knowing it was a lie but unwilling to confess the real problem. “It was just so stuffy in there.”
“Then come on. Why don’t we sit out the rest of the sermon in the wagon. I’m sure the good Lord will understand.”
Beth smiled and couldn’t agree more. She couldn’t stand the thought of going back into that building. Yet she also felt anxious about sitting outside with Tanner.
Since she still wanted him, being alone, just the two of them, was only going to add fuel to the fire that she needed to extinguish.
He led her over to their wagon and helped her up onto the bench, then climbed in beside her.
“We’ll wait for the others out here.”
She nodded her head, unable to look at him right now. All she could think about while she’d sat in between him and Tucker was the way his hands felt on her flesh, how she wanted to make love with him again.
“What’s wrong, Beth? You seem troubled,” he asked.
She knew confiding the truth to him, about her feelings for Tucker, would send Tanner fleeing. She also knew he was too perceptive to believe any evasion or falsehood. So she told him partially what was bothering her.
“I don’t belong in a church,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Why not?”
“Several reasons.”
“Like what?”
She gazed at him, unsure of how he was going to take her next statement but suddenly needing to tell him. “One reason is because of what we’ve done.”
Tanner cleared his throat, his eyes glancing away. “That wasn’t all your fault.”
“No, but I could have refused you, and I didn’t,” she said, gripping her reticule tightly in her gloved hands. “I liked what we did together.”
Tanner bowed his head and turned his hat over and over in his hands. When he spoke, his voice was gruff. “But that was before I found out you were intended for my brother.”
“You’re right. But if I wasn’t going to marry Tucker, would it have been any different?”
“I can’t answer that, Beth,” he said, not looking at her.
She sighed. “I’ve made some bad choices in the past. I want to make sure this time that I’m making the right one.”
Tanner frowned. Beth knew he was going to ask more questions, but at that moment the front doors opened, and the crowd began spilling out.
Beth sighed a breath of relief. She’d almost told him too much. She’d almost revealed her darkest secret, and she wasn’t ready to share that with anyone, not even Tanner.
Chapter Fourteen
Tucker glanced around his mother’s kitchen, not really noticing the fixtures but staring off into the distance, his mind replaying that morning at church.
Beth had jumped up from the pew during the service and all but ran outside. Her face had been pale, her eyes wide and lost-looking. When he’d asked her about leaving, she’d shrugged and said she became overheated in the small room. Although the chapel had been stuffy, her excuse had seemed prepared, something he would have said to his mother when he’d been caught playing hooky from school.
Oftentimes he’d seen an almost fearful look in Beth’s eyes, which he’d always attributed to her new surroundings. But maybe it was more. What could trouble her enough to send her fleeing from church?
Travis came into the room, his boots clunking on the wooden floor.
“Where is everybody?” he asked.
Tucker shrugged. “The women are upstairs resting. Tanner’s out in the barn, rubbing down that horse of his.”
Travis went to the wooden stove and poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that sat on top of the cast- iron stove.
“What are you drinking?” Travis asked, holding up the pot of black brew.
“Water.”
Though it was probably close to a hundred degrees outside, coffee always seemed to be Travis’s drink of choice.
“Should have known,” Travis muttered, setting the pot back down on the stove. He took two steps and pulled out a chair from the table and sat across from his brother.
“You and Beth seem to be getting along pretty well.” Tucker glanced at him as he twirled his glass in his hand, wishing it were something stronger than water.
“Actually, I don’t know what to do about Beth,” Tucker said with a sigh. “Beth’s easy to get along with, she’s nice. I could do a lot worse, but I don’t love her. I’m not even attracted to her.”
“That’s a problem.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So what are you going to do?” Travis asked.
Tucker shrugged. “Don’t know. I keep hoping that something will happen, that somehow everything will work out without my having to hurt her. Though I don’t know what kind of miracle I’m looking for.”
Travis stared across the table. “Have you noticed anything unusual about Tanner?”
“What do you mean?” Tucker asked.
“He’s not like the way I remember him,” Travis said. “He was a ki
d when he left, Travis. Now he’s a man.”
“No, there’s more to it than that.”
“Tanner is quiet, more withdrawn. But the thing I noticed was the way he wears his guns,” Tucker said. “Loose and within reach. It’s a good thing he’s my brother; otherwise, I’d be watching him real close.”
Travis frowned. “Yeah, I noticed. Has he told you anything about where he’s been for the last ten years?”
“Nope.”
“Has he said anything about what he was doing during all that time?”
“Nope.”
“Did he say where he’s lived or traveled?”
“He’s told me nothing about his past. Not even about the war,” Tucker acknowledged.
“That’s my point. He’s been so closed-lipped about what he’s done for the last ten years. I wonder about what’s going on inside him.”
“What do you think it means?”
“Don’t know.” Travis glanced upstairs and then leaned closer. “He let it slip that he’d had no intention of seeing us while he was in Fort Worth. If you hadn’t heard him that morning, we would never have known he was here.”
Tucker frowned. “You mean, he would have come to Fort Worth without seeing Mother? Or us?”
“Yes,” Travis said, then quickly added, “Mother doesn’t know.”
“Let’s keep it that way,” Tucker said. “If she ever found out, she’d be hurt.”
Tucker silently contemplated what Tanner could have been doing for the last ten years. His thoughts wandered back to what he himself had been doing ten years ago, and instantly his mind saw the image of a young boy, fascinated with guns, shooting at targets almost every day.
“So why would a man hide his past?” Travis asked.
Tucker took a moment and thought of all the criminals he’d arrested since he’d become marshal.
“In my mind there’s only two reasons, shame or trouble,” Travis said, glancing at Tucker. “Could be something happened during the war, but could be he has a reason to hide.”
“You think Tanner was in some kind of trouble with the law and that’s why he’s keeping quiet about his past?” Tucker asked, speaking his thoughts out loud.
The Outlaw Takes A Bride (The Burnett Brides) Page 19
