by K E Osborn
Needing something to take the edge off, I scurry off the bed and move over to my handbag pulling out my pill container. The pop of the lid detaching from the container as I unscrew it is like heaven to my ears. My body relaxes slightly at the sound as I slide two pills into my open palm. They dance on my skin as I breathe out in a shudder. Throwing them back into my mouth, I don’t even bother to find water as I fill my mouth with saliva and swallow them down whole. Traipsing back over to the bed as the sounds of my rushed breaths flow from my mouth, I climb in fully clothed and snuggle under the warmth of the blankets. I don’t even care that the curtains are wide open shining the bright autumn rays down on me. Curling up into a ball I rest my head on the soft down pillow sinking into it as much as I can and close my eyes wishing Brax’s arms were around me.
A loud knocking pulls me from my deep slumber. My muscles ache, my neck is sore and I open my eyes to see the dimming light of the setting sun out the window in its hues of pinks and yellow. If I weren't in such a bad mood, I’d look at it and think it was beautiful, but right now the beauty escapes me and makes me shudder. The knocking continues and I slowly get out of bed and drag my feet along the carpet toward the door. Pulling the door open is hard work as the weight of it hurts my tired muscles. Hunter watches me and his face falls when his eyes meet mine.
“You doing okay? You look like shit,” he says and steps up to me, I stand aside to let him in.
“I’m fine, just exhausted and emotionally drained from last night,” I say honestly and he pulls me to him as we walk into my room.
“I know you’re hurting emotionally and physically. Do you want me to cancel tonight’s gig?” I turn my eyes to look at his in shock. Hunter is not one to turn down a gig, so that means I must really look like shit if he’s offering an out.
“No, I’ll be fine. The distraction will be good—”
“Are you sure? You won’t have a bodyguard tonight.” His words hit me like a double-edged sword, not only because they mean that Brax isn’t here, but also because I’ll have no protection. Swallowing hard, I bite my bottom lip reconsidering my options. I want to pull out, but that would be quitting and I can’t let Aston’s fans and my depression beat me. No, I have to perform tonight.
“No, I want to play,” I admit and he smiles and hugs me tightly.
“You always were a fighter, little lamb.”
The venue is packed, and as we walk in the crowd is thick. Hunter is by my side the entire time taking on a pseudo bodyguard role until we find someone new. But I don’t want someone new. I want Brax. My tense shoulders only strain my already sore neck as my chest starts to tighten walking through the crowd. I don’t like the confined space and having so many people around me is unsettling when I don’t have my soldier on standby.
We all make our way to the stage. It’s big, forming a triangular shape in the corner of the room with an ample dance floor surrounding it. Stepping up the black steps lined with silver edging, my Madden Girl flats feel like lead weights against the hard surface. The guys all carry their instruments as Hunter carries my amp and mic set. All their muscles flexing will be giving the girls in here a great show as they walk on stage and start to set up around me.
I’m a little out of it. The pills I took earlier are beginning to wear off and the sound of people chatting and laughing is grinding my ears. Standing by the edge of the stage my heart starts to race as I look out at the sea of faces, some are looking up at me furrowing their brows like they recognise me. Folding my arms over my chest for comfort, I can feel my heart hammering away in my chest against my arm. I hate that I’m feeling anxious. I need to bring my A-game tonight, not lose my shit, which I feel like I’m close to doing.
“Hey Amber, you’re nothing but a relationship breaker.” A girl from the crowd calls out grabbing my attention. She was one of the one’s looking at me from before.
My chest tightens as I look at Hunter, who’s setting up my amp, but he didn’t hear. Shaking my head as I breathe rapidly through my nose, I turn away from the girl not giving her any fuel to light her fire.
“Annie and Aston are better off without you, you whore!”
My head flies back to look at her as my body tenses. It’s been a little while since an Astonie fan has heckled me, and to be honest, right now I can’t handle taking their shit.
I stare her down and place my hands on my hips glaring at her squinting my eyes. “Aston chose Annie, and they’re happily together now. Aston left me broken-hearted and a shell of who I was. He broke me, and yet I get all the blame in this? He’s the arsehole, not me, so shut the fuck up because you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about you stupid fucking skank,” I yell back at her letting all my pent up rage surface.
Silence invades the pub as the crowd stops talking and all turn looking at me with their mouths agape. Mason’s heavy footsteps are all that can be heard as he walks up to me and places his hand on my shoulder. I flinch out of his grip not wanting any attention on me right now. My chest is heaving, I’m breathing so fast. My teeth squeak as they grind together while my palms start to ache from my nails digging into them as I ball my hands into fists. I’m so angry, and I’m so sick of being that girl, the girl that broke up the amazing Annie and Aston. I can’t do this anymore.
“Fuck this shit, I’m done.” Throwing my hands in the air, my thunderous footsteps are all that can be heard as I move to walk off the stage.
“Amber,” Mason calls out as I walk down the stairs toward the green room with my eyes burning. The crowd slowly start to talk amongst themselves again, probably discussing how Amber from Red Velvet lost it and is a complete wanker. Walking through the door I slam it shut behind me, the bang almost making me jump it’s so loud as I try to control my breathing. It’s rushed and harsh, my chest tightens, the walls start to close in on me and the ringing in my eardrums is so deafening I bring my hands up and cup them over my ears. Closing my eyes as my throat begins to tighten, I gasp for air. The door to the green room opens and I hear someone walking to me, but I don’t open my eyes to see who. Strong arms encase me and I collapse into them. Clinging to him tightly, he caresses me tenderly.
“Shh, it’s okay. That was really shit. I’ve had the security from the bar remove the girl who was harassing you.” Hunter’s voice soothes me slightly as I clutch onto him letting all the emotion of not only the past twenty-four hours but the past five years escape me.
“Why do they keep doing that? Aston and I were over nearly two years ago and yet they still blame me for their break up even though they’re happily together now. I’ll never understand diehard fans like that,” I murmur and Hunter nods.
“It’s shit, Amber. I know that if Aston could stop them from being the scum bitches they are, he would. He wouldn’t want this for you. He cared about you—”
“Yeah, he cared about me, but he didn’t love me.”
“No, he didn’t love you, and you have to remember you’re better off without him because being with someone who doesn’t love you would be terrible,” he says and I nod and sigh. I know he’s right and I know there’s life after Aston, Brax showed me that. Thinking about Brax makes me feel even worse. My stomach flips over and I close my eyes and inhale.
“Hey, hey, c’mon Amber don’t let her get you down,” Hunter says embracing me tightly.
“No, it’s not her, it’s just why when I finally think I might have found someone who may be worth the fight, they end up hurting me, leaving, and then ignoring me,” I admit and Hunter pulls back looking at me raising his eyebrow.
“Brax?” he asks and I nod. “You really like him?” I nod again. “Well, I got in touch with him this afternoon. He sounds terrible, Amber. He’s gone back to Richmond and is going into therapy. He said he knew he needed it, but was trying to deal with it on his own, but after hurting you he realised he needed to sort himself out. He’s getting help, he assured me. So don’t worry.”
I sniff and nod relaxing slightly, I’m glad he’s g
etting help. “Why couldn’t he tell me that himself?”
“I might have yelled at him on the phone and told him to keep away from you—”
“You what?” I yell.
“Amber, I was angry. It was in the heat of the moment. But I think it’s best he stays away for now and gets himself better first. Then maybe he can come back and see you.”
I shake my head, feeling a rumble inside me like I want to yell at Hunter and slap him, but I won’t. I know he’s just looking out for me.
“Well, can you call him back and tell him he can at least message me to tell me he’s doing okay?” I ask and he exhales.
“Yeah, I think he’s avoiding you not just because of me, but also because he’s so ashamed. He thinks you’re better off without him.”
I slump my body and sigh. “That’s not true.”
“For the moment Amber, it is. You need to focus on you, Charli, and the band, and he needs to concentrate on getting his health under control,” he says and I swallow hard and nod. “Do you think you can go back out there, or are you done for the night?” Hunter asks and I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders. I’m not going to let one Debbie Downer ruin my career.
“I’m okay, let me fix my makeup and I’ll go out and perform my heart out,” I say and he smiles and grips my shoulders.
“There’s my little fighter. I’m proud of you, little lamb.”
“Thanks, I couldn’t have done this without you,” I say and turn to look at myself in the mirror. After adjusting myself, I head back out on stage to a waiting Mason, who glances at me sideways up through his lashes with hesitant eyes.
“Are you okay?” he whispers in my ear after I step up onto the stage.
I nod and smile. “Yeah, I’m okay now—”
“You sure, ‘cause I can sing if you need me to?” he asks and I smile and lean in kissing his cheek. He pulls back seeming slightly shocked at my action.
“I’m fine, I promise, thank you for looking out for me. You’re a great friend,” I say and walk past him toward the front of the stage.
Once I start singing and am in the zone, I’m on fire. The songs are being sung with an energy I haven’t had before. It’s like all the emotion pent up inside of me is oozing out through my lyrics. It’s cathartic in a way, to let my rage and sadness out into the songs.
Hunter had been on his phone…a lot, texting I think. I can’t help but wonder who he’s talking to, and hoping that it’s Brax and that he has some news on how he’s doing. But I keep my mind on the game and sing my heart out to the crowd. They’re definitely loving Red Velvet now that the trouble makers have been escorted from the building.
The guitars fade and just the hard beat of the bass drum kicks as my voice sings a soft haunting conclusion to our final song ‘Escape.’ The crowd erupts into a round of applause, I close my eyes feeling the vibration of the sound reverberating through my feet on the stage, and soak it all in. The rapture of the crowd is allowing all my endorphins to take me to a much happier place than before the gig. I feel lighter somehow. My heart is racing as a bead of sweat trickles down my temple. Opening my eyes to take in the view of the appreciative audience, I smile and throw my hands in the air.
“Thank you! We’re Red Velvet and you guys have seriously rocked this place tonight—”
“No, you have!” Someone in the crowd calls out making me laugh.
“Thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure, Dublin. Drink lots and party hard! Have a good night rockers!” I say into the microphone and the crowd cheer as I turn around and walk off the stage. Taking in a deep lung full of smoke machine-filled air, I lick my lips trying to moisten my mouth from the dry texture. Hunter is by my side instantly, like the good pseudo bodyguard he’s supposed to be, and we walk into the back room with the crowd chanting the band’s name. It fills me with such a high that all my feelings of dread from before the show seem to have dissipated.
Pulling the handle on the fridge door, I have to use extra force as it sticks slightly. It pulls free with a pop and the water bottles on the door all rattle with the force of the opening door. Grabbing a water, I unscrew the lid and throw it at Hunter who’s busy texting again. It hits him square in the middle of his forehead, and he winces and looks up at me as I giggle to myself closing the door.
“Who are you talking to?”
Hunter looks at me and his shoulders stiffen, I furrow my brows just as Mason, Jayce and Cooper walk in.
“Amber, you were on fire tonight, sweet pea!” Mase calls out racing up to me as I take a long gulp of the chilled water. The liquid soothing my dry, scratchy throat.
“Thanks, I was channelling,” I admit.
Mase’s smile falters and he nods. “Yeah, well it works for you.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him and kisses my temple.
“Okay let’s pack up our shit, grab the cheque, and get the fuck outta here,” Hunter says and I smile and nod.
As the bus takes off back toward our hotel, the hissing and clunking noises it makes helps me relax into the plush seats, knowing I’m heading back to see Charli, even though I know she’ll be asleep. Pulling out my phone from my bag, I want to check my messages to see if Clara has sent me anything. I’m missing Charli so any news on her would be great. I activate the screen to see a message received, but it’s not from Clara.
It’s from Brax.
My heart stops beating for a second then thuds back to life making my breathing catch. I’ve been waiting to hear from him, and now that I have I’m scared to see what it might say.
What if it’s that he never wants to see me again?
I clear my throat trying to dislodge the lump that’s formed in it. My body is visibly shaking and the ringing in my ears is drowning out the hum of the bus driving on the bitumen. I roll my head and tense my shoulders preparing myself to open the message. I’m a strong, independent, single mother. I can do something as simple as open a God damned text message.
I swipe the screen to unlock the message and take a deep breath steadying myself before I read.
Brax: Amber, please know that I am so sorry for what happened and that it has taken me so long to contact you. I’ve been hesitant to message because I thought you’d hate me, and wouldn’t want to hear from me at all. Hunter has been talking to me all night via text and said how upset you’ve been. It kills me that I hurt you, emotionally and especially physically. I never wanted either of those, you have to believe me. I’m going into a treatment program for PTSD. I didn’t realise that that was what I had. I made an appointment with a doctor today, and that’s what he said I’m suffering from. He said psychotherapy will help, plus they prescribed Prazosin to help with the terrors. I hope this will help with time. I want to be worthy of you, Amber. I want to be a man you can be proud of, not the person I am now. Again, I am so sorry for the damage I’ve caused. I hate myself more than you could ever know. Please just tell me you’re okay?
My chest tightens at the thought of Brax going through all of this alone. I wish I were there to help him. I have a swarm of people here to support me, but poor Brax is going through this completely and utterly alone. My heart starts to race and I want Brax to know I’m here for him.
I hit reply.
Me: I’m fine Brax, and I don’t hate you, far from it. I just want you to be okay! I’m so worried about you, and I want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. It makes sense now knowing you have PTSD, and I’m glad you’re getting help for it. How long will you be away for?
I hit send and bring my feet up onto the edge of the chair needing some comfort as I close myself into a ball. My eyes feel like they’re growing larger as I stare at the screen willing it to light up in front of me. Seconds later my phone vibrates, and the movement startles me, even though I was expecting it. I swipe the screen and read the text.
Brax: I’m staying away until I’m completely better. I can’t risk hurting you again…Even though not seeing you is slowly killing me. I mi
ss you…
Swallowing the large lump in my throat and I stutter out a long sigh. I miss him too, desperately. I want him to know it too, so I decide to tell him. Even though I’m devastated that he’s going to stay away for so long.
Me: I wish I could see you. I miss you too, so much. Not having you at the concert tonight was scary and I miss having you around, not only for comfort but because I miss your company…and your kisses. I hope your therapy works quickly, I don’t know how long I can last without seeing you.
I hit send hoping that’s not too forward for me to say, but it’s the truth. He should know that I don’t blame him. That I’m not angry at him anymore, that I just want to be in his arms again.
Brax: I miss kissing you too, and it might sound strange, but I miss Charli. That little angel has worked her way into my heart. I’m staying at your house in Richmond in the guesthouse, I hope you don’t mind. I figured seeing as my stuff was here it was the right place to go? I only go to the main house to use the kitchen, but I can find somewhere else if you like?
I smile thinking of Brax in my house and wish I were there with him. Exhaling, I relax back into the seat and smile thinking of the time he walked in, in just his shorts looking completely lickable.
Me: No that’s fine, you can stay there as long as you like. Make yourself at home. I’m sure Charli misses you too…
I hit send and my smile falls to a frown, I don’t know if Charli will notice Brax’s absence, but I’m sure as hell going to.
Brax: I’ll be out of the house by the time you get back, though. I’ll make sure I’m not here when the tour finishes. I can’t be around you when you get back, even if I’m in the guest house. I know I’ll fall into old habits and want to watch you sleep, and I can’t risk falling asleep with you again. I won’t do it. I’m sorry, it has to be this way…
