Unexpected tears swam in my eyes. Contrary to the promise that I had made to myself to not let it get me down, I felt my resolve crumble like a piece of dried out cake.
“It’ll be okay Marilee,” he said. I gasped, because it was the first time he’d actually called me by the name that I preferred. It might not have seemed like much for anyone else for him to call me Marilee, but it meant the world to me.
Choking sobs built in my throat. Before I could stop them they rushed out in a torrent of misery. His arms came around me. He stroked my hair gently. As he did, I couldn’t help but think that soon he wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, because I’d be bald. He held me for a while, not saying a word. When I’d finally settled a little he released me.
“You’re strong, I know you’ll get through this,” he whispered. For the first time ever I saw tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. Witnessing his humanness made me almost break down again.
“Um sorry, but do you mind if I change the garbage?”
If it had been anyone else I would have been pissed off, but it wasn’t anyone else, it was Jax. Between tests, chemo and sleeping more than I’d thought possible, I didn’t always get a chance to talk to him, but Jax was as present as the color on the wall, blending in but also bringing a sense of familiarity with him. He was always around and I found myself growing to depend on the regularity of his presence.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” Harold said.
He peeked at his watch, stood up and gave me a peck on the cheek. He nodded in Jax’s direction then disappeared out the door.
Jax locked his eyes on me.
“Are you okay?” he asked. The way he said it made me believe that it wasn’t something he just said out of courtesy, he actually cared.
I nodded, because I wasn’t sure if I could speak without losing it again. It seemed that since I’d been diagnosed with cancer I couldn’t bottle my feelings away anymore. In fact everything I felt seemed more intense than before.
Jax moved toward me. To my utter shock he sat in the chair that Harold had just vacated.
“It’ll grow back,” he said.
“What?” I said, a note of incredulity in my tone.
“Your hair, it will grow back. When it first comes back, it may be a little different than it was before, but eventually it will all go back to normal.” He gave me his one dimpled grin. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“How did you know? I mean how did you know I was upset about my hair falling out?” I asked after a few beats had passed.
He shrugged, then rubbed the back of his head as if he was slightly uncomfortable with the question.
“It’s the right time and…I’ve seen it happen a lot, patients you know…” He cut his eyes away from mine then brought them back to my face.
“And besides if I’m being honest your hair looks a little thinner than before, not that it looks bad or anything, just you know, different.”
Heat warmed my cheeks. I knew that my hair was thinning out, but in my opinion it was by no means noticeable. But he’d seen the change which made me understand something with perfect clarity. I wasn’t as invisible to him as I’d thought I had been. He had seen a change in me that had been so subtle that even my best girl friends might not have caught it.
I knew I was probably reading too much into it. Maybe Jax was just hyper-observant and had an uncanny ability to see things that others couldn’t. Maybe his observations weren’t reserved for me alone, maybe he had a photographic memory or something. But somehow I didn’t think that was the case.
“Anyway I better get to the garbage,” he said, standing again. His huge frame loomed over me like a dark angel. I was struck by his ability to sweep away my negative thoughts with just a couple of words. For some reason I believed him when he said it would all go back to normal. In fact believing his words seemed like the only thing that kept me anchored.
“I wish I could hear you and your band play some time,” I said out before I even thought about what I was saying. For some reason being around Jax made all my inhibitions fall away. Whatever thoughts swirled in my mind just came out.
He smiled. This time it hit every part of his face. Seeing him like that made me feel almost like I was caught in a brilliant light. It felt so good to be there with him that I wanted to stay there forever. He hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his coveralls. If I hadn’t known better I would have thought he was a bit embarrassed. I didn’t think someone like Jax, a person who seemed to have everything figured out, and owned every part of who he was, would ever feel that way.
“I play in mostly dives, not really the kind of place that people like you would go to,” he said with a chuckle.
Indignant anger made my face go hot again. I knew what he thought, that I was a stuck up rich girl who would turn my nose up at the places he’d hang out. I had to agree that before I’d been diagnosed and had an expiration date put on my life, I might have thought the places he played beneath me, but not now.
Being sick hadn’t taken long to convince me that cancer didn’t pick and choose according to where you lived, went to school and partied. The nicest room in a hospital was still that, a room in the hospital.
“You might be surprised by the places I go,” I said.
It was a lie of course since I’d never been to any seedy bars or places that didn’t have valet parking. Even taking the bus was a rarity, but that didn’t mean that Jax needed to know that. The funny part was that I didn’t know why I cared what he thought about me. It wasn’t like we would have ever bumped into each other outside of the hospital. The truth was, if it wasn’t for my cancer that had forced me to come face to face with my mortality, I probably would have sized up Jax and found him wanting. Right then the shallowness that I’d worn like a badge most of my life, bothered me.
“Is that so,” Jax said, crossing his arms over his chest. When he did, the sleeves of his coveralls hiked up revealing parts of his tattoos. In plain view I saw that his tattoos weren’t like what I’d thought they’d be. I didn’t know what I’d expected really, maybe dragons, snakes or even skulls. I certainly hadn’t expected a delicate purplish-pink lotus flower, floating in turquoise water with its tear-shaped petals just beginning to bloom.
“What does the lotus mean?” I asked, intrigued by the tattoo.
“Nothing,” Jax said.
There was an edge to his voice that I hadn’t heard before now, and it more than rankled me.
“I’m sorry if I said something that…” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t really sure what I was sorry for, only that I had said something that had bothered him. Jax ignored me, snatched the half full garbage bag from the can in my room, put a new bag in, and walked out the door without a backward glance. I was beyond shocked by his abrupt departure. I still had no idea what I’d done to piss him off, only that I had.
Knowing that I’d said or done something to upset him made me want to cry all over again. The inborn snob in me, said it shouldn’t have mattered what a cleaner in the hospital thought about me, but somehow it did. In fact if I were being truthful, from the moment I’d met Jax I’d felt an odd connection with him. It might have been because I’d felt so vulnerable in the hospital. Fear of the unknown was worse than anything I’d ever faced up until then. Maybe that was why I needed to connect with people more than I ever had before.
“Hey Marilee.”
I popped my head up. My best friend Courtney strolled into the room with a chocolate brown colored teddy bear and an oversized bouquet of yellow roses in her hands. She wore distressed skinny jeans and a lose fitting sheer white black polka dot blouse. I admired how her dark hair was shiny and straight. I couldn’t help but be jealous. I’d lost more weight than I could afford, and with my hair falling out at a disturbing speed, I’d gone from being the pretty girl to less than zero. Courtney embodied all the things I’d taken for granted for so long. I just wanted her to leave. It was painful to witness her normalcy when my whole world w
as spinning out of control.
I shot Courtney a weak smile and stretched my arms out to her, using every bit of my will to make the gesture seem as genuine as possible. She gave me a quick hug then perched on the end of the bed, studying me. I touched my hair, suddenly self conscious. Courtney had always been pretty but now she seemed absolutely stunning. I longed to be the friend visiting, not the cancer patient.
“I brought you these,” she said. She passed me the flowers and teddy bear. I brought the roses to my nose, they were beautiful but I was disappointed that they hardly had any smell.
“Thanks Court, that was really sweet of you,” I said.
“How are you doing anyway?” she said.
The same benign question that people asked each other every day, felt like a stab through my heart. She only had to look at me to see that I wasn’t doing well. Was she so stupid that she couldn’t see that I was so pale that I was almost translucent. Or that whatever hair I had was dull and greasy no matter how many times I’d washed it. Couldn’t she see that I was not even close to all right, in fact I was the farthest from all right that I’d ever been.
“Fine,” I said with little conviction. Courtney smiled brightly. It only made me feel worse. How could she smile when every moment of the day I was suffering?
At my monosyllabic response Courtney, who I’d always considered the best friend I’d ever had, began to relay the mindless banter that still mattered to her. She talked about school, the Prom committee, the latest guy she was dating, who just happened to be an ex-boyfriend of mine. Of course she didn’t leave out the details about all the amazing new clothes, purses and shoes she’d bought since I’d been in the hospital.
“You know it’s not as fun shopping without you there,” she said. As if her statement could wipe away all thoughts about my life’s problems. I was irritated that once again tears burned at the back of my eyes. I hated that I’d become what I despised the most, a cry baby who broke down at nothing at all, just like Mom. A part of me knew I was being bitter, but I didn’t have the strength to take the higher road.
Luckily Courtney seemed too entrenched in her monologue to notice that I was wilting before her eyes. I stared past her, letting her words flow around me and away. I closed my eyes. Not long after I heard Jax’s voice.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I was told to take you to X-ray,” he said.
I cocked my head to the side. “X-ray? I didn’t…”
I started to say. Jax winked at me.
“Oh right, that X-ray. Sorry Court but I have to do this. I don’t know how long it will take so I don’t want you to have to wait…”
“Sure, I understand,” Courtney said. She turned her head for a second. Courtney cast her eyes over Jax. He gave her his trademark grin. When she brought her gaze back to mine she mouthed the word “hot” which surprised me. I didn’t think Jax was her type. It was a stupid thought; Jax was pretty much anyone’s type.
I nodded, lifting an eyebrow in acknowledgement. I put my arms out. Courtney gave me another quick hug.
“Thanks again for the roses and the teddy bear,” I said.
“No probs,” she said. She fluffed her hair a little more dramatically than she needed too and stood up. As she moved toward the door where Jax still stood, I noticed her stride was long and graceful. Definitely custom made for Jax. I had to admit that I didn’t like her preening in front of him. To his credit, he seemed more interested in the wheelchair that he was leaning on, than Courtney’s attempts to flirt with him.
“Bye Marilee,” Courtney said in a sing-song voice. She threw me another delicate wave that would have rivaled the Queen of England. I waved back. I slumped in the bed as soon as she’d left. I hadn’t realized until right then how tiring it was to be upbeat. Her visit had taken more out of me than I’d expected. I was exhausted.
Jax released his hold on the wheelchair. He plunked down in the chair at the side of the bed.
“Thanks for saving me, I didn’t know how much longer I could have taken listening about how the theme for the Prom is going to be a winter wonderland and all the other bullshit she was spewing on about.”
I slapped my hand over my mouth, embarrassed that I’d cursed in front of Jax. I was sure that he’d heard much worse than what I’d said but not from me. I guessed Mom’s constant nattering about proper young ladies not cursing had actually sunk in more than I thought.
Jax eyed me with amusement. “Don’t worry I’ve actually heard the word bullshit before, but just be careful that you don’t let it slip when the wee folk are about. All one of them needs is to learn one cuss word and that’s all they’ll be able to say, day and night.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t want to be the one that teaches them bullshit, they have parents for that, right?” I said, giggling.
Jax broke into laughter. For a few minutes everything seemed light, as if someone had removed the grey cloud that seemed permanently positioned over my head. When our laughter faded we just stared at each other. A part of me could have sat there the whole day, watching him, but I knew he had to go.
Jax was the first to break the silence. “I’m sorry I was an ass about my tattoo,” he said.
I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Just because you work here doesn’t mean I have the right to know everything about you…” I said, glad that he’d brought it up first.
“Yeah you’re right, but it’s not like you were asking for my cell number…” He scratched his chin and shrugged. “I guess if I’m being truthful I’d have probably been more chill with you asking for my number rather than asking about my tattoos.”
“So what’s your number,” I said, wagging my eyebrows at him.
“Where’s your cell?” he asked.
I stared blankly at him for a few seconds before I realized that he was serious. I reached into my bedside table, retrieved my phone and handed it to him. Even as he took it from me it felt like I was in an alternate universe.
He punched in a few numbers then passed it back to me.
“There you go…”
“Thanks,” I said, almost tripping over the word. I was positive I was looking at him like he was nuts, but I couldn’t help it. He’d given me something so personal and hadn’t even batted an eyelash. Either he did it with everyone or I was somehow special to him, I hoped it was the latter.
“I know how hard it can be with the treatments and everything that you have to deal with. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone. I can be that someone, that’s if you want me to be…”
He kept his blue eyes on me as if gauging my reaction.
Faster than I thought possible, a lump too thick to swallow formed in my throat. My eyes filled. His gesture was probably the kindest thing that anyone had ever done for me. Unlike the other people in my life, who did things because there was something to gain by it, Jax’s offer seemed absolutely unconditional.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said.
He brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb. The action only made my already thinly veiled composure vanish. I rapidly dissolved into a puddle of tears. I hated myself for letting it happen, for making Jax uncomfortable with my over the top emotions when he was just trying to be nice. I figured he probably was kind to everyone. But my tears weren’t leaving without a fight. And it didn’t help much that every time I looked at Jax I broke into fresh sobs.
Jax sat unmoving, patiently waiting for me to get it all out. He pushed a bunch of tissues into my hand. I tried to dab away the snot and tears gracefully, but eventually I had to blow my nose. I reasoned that at least I wasn’t vomiting, but that did little to alleviate my embarrassment. The way I was acting I wouldn’t have been surprised if he grabbed my phone back and deleted his details.
When I literally emptied my reserves and had blown my nose for the fifth time, Jax spoke.
“It symbolizes rising from darkness into the light,” he said.
“What?”
He shrugged and a flash of uncertainty crossed his face. “Or something like that,” he said, as if he were suddenly uncomfortable.
“Can I see it again?” I asked.
He nodded. Jax pulled his sleeve up a little, stretching out his right arm to me. Instinctively I laid my fingers on the image. I felt the warmth of his skin against my fingertips as I barely grazed his flesh with mine. Normally I would have been nervous touching someone who I hardly knew. Somehow laying my fingers on his arm, tattoo, felt so intimate that I wasn’t sure if I had a right to do it. My reservations did little to stop me. I let my hand linger for a few more seconds on the lotus tattoo, savoring the connection with him.
“It’s 4:30 already. I’d better get home, I have a gig tonight,” Jax said. He flicked his eyes to his watch then back to me. He stood up, then shot me a brilliant smile that made my heart flutter like crazy.
“When was your shift over?” I asked, knowing that it was the wrong time for a change of shift.
“Three,” he said with a wink. With that he turned on his heel. I watched him walk out the door and away from me. All I could think was that I couldn’t wait for him to come back to me.
8. Jax
“You can’t be working again Jackson, you already look as pale as a sheet. I’m sure you’ve lost a few pounds,” Gran said, shaking her head.
I shrugged, unwilling to tell Gran that I’d practically begged for the extra shift at the hospital. There was no doubt in my mind that if she’d known the truth she would have tied me to my bed, literally. I knew she was already suspicious about the amount of time I was working at the hospital.
Tattoos: A Novel Page 6
