by Lexi Ryan
“Tell me about your childhood,” I say after swallowing a mouthful of food. “You told me you couldn’t imagine growing up in a place like this, but what was it like how you grew up?”
Sebastian takes a deep breath and refills our wine glasses. “There were some rough patches. Times I couldn’t even imagine wearing a pair of shoes that didn’t belong to some other kid first.” He studies his wine, and his brow wrinkles in concentration. “Dad didn’t just suddenly decide that he was going to get into drugs. The world had beaten him down one day at a time. He worked hard to make Crowe’s Automotive a viable business. It didn’t start as what it is today. Mostly, it was Dad picking up odd jobs in his garage for a lot of years. Mom busted her butt as a nurse’s aide, and Dad did side jobs anywhere he could, but there were times that the only meal Olivia and I could count on was the one we got at school.”
I’m surprised to hear him reveal all that. Even in high school, when I suspected his home life wasn’t that great, I never asked, because I didn’t think he’d want to talk about it. Maybe before tonight he wouldn’t have. “I didn’t realize you had it so hard. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs. “It is what it is. My parents didn’t have any family to fall back on, and that meant eviction notices and nights sleeping in the old shop. My parents would scrape together all they had just to get the car running so Mom could get to work. People throw around the word poor when they can’t afford a vacation or a new car, but we were the hungry kind of poor.”
“You never showed it.” I finger my scars. In the light of Sebastian’s childhood, I feel shallow as hell for all the hours I’ve wasted with self-pity over something so trivial. “I thought you were just a normal kid.”
“By the time I met you, Dad and I…” He drops his gaze to the fluffy down comforter we’ve used to make our little nest. “We’d figured out how to make ends meet.”
“Drugs,” I say, filling in that blank.
He winces but doesn’t deny it. “My parents weren’t irresponsible. They just didn’t have any safety net. Mom got cancer the first time when Olivia and I were in elementary school. She was really sick and couldn’t work. When you have nothing and you’re living paycheck to paycheck and half your income disappears, it’s catastrophic. It was for them.”
I tilt my head and study his face. “But that’s all behind you now, right? The trouble your dad is in… If you were involved, you’d tell me, right?”
He cups my jaw in his hand. “I lived in that dark place and I don’t ever want to go back there.” His thumb skims over the scar at the corner of my mouth. “I wish I could tell you it was a surprise that Dad did, but I never really believed he’d changed. I wanted to, but at the back of my mind I was always waiting for him to go back.”
“I think a lot of people never escape that world.”
He studies me for a long time, as if he’s trying to memorize my face. “It haunts you. Even when it’s out of your system and you don’t need to get high to feel normal, you’re never really free of it. I sold a piece of my soul with every deal, and I don’t think I’ll ever get those pieces back.”
I set my glass down on the end table and move our platter of food to the floor, then I straddle Sebastian’s lap and comb my fingers through his hair. “Maybe the pieces aren’t missing at all. Maybe they’re all right there and you just needed to tell someone you’re broken so she can fix you.”
He sets his glass down and his gaze dips down to my mouth as his hands slide under my T-shirt. “Are you volunteering?”
“I’ll put in overtime,” I whisper against his mouth. He guides my arms up over my head and pulls off my shirt before throwing it to the floor, then his hands are on my breasts and his mouth is on my neck and my voice hitches as I say, “Nights, weekends, whatever it takes.”
“You have a deal.” He turns and lowers me to the mattress, and when he settles over me, the weight of him is so sweet, I gasp and shift my hips. “Because I’m broken as hell.”
“And more beautiful for it.” The words are a murmur and nearly lost as he kisses his way down my body and marks my breasts with his beard.
* * *
Sebastian
“I can’t take another minute of these animals staring at me,” Alex says, staring at the menagerie of taxidermy over the fireplace. “Will you take me out for a drink?”
It’s Monday, and we both played hooky today. I never miss practice without a damn good reason, but since my father was just arrested, Coach didn’t question it. As for class, Alex and I figure we can get away with missing one day.
We made the most of it, staying in bed until half past ten and then taking a long shower under the rain head of Mr. Patterson’s walk-in steam shower. I keep thinking about Alex telling me that I’ll have a house like this one day, her quiet confidence that I’ll be able to make it in the NFL. Usually, I don’t let myself think about it, too scared I might jinx my chances, but when I had her in that shower with me, all I could think was that I want to be able to give this to her. The fancy house, the overpriced clothes and loaded car. I don’t think any of that means anything to me until I think about Alex enjoying that life with me.
“Of course. Want to check out Logan’s new bar?”
She makes a sour face. “You want to take me on a date to the bar owned by the other guy I’ve been seeing?”
My stomach drops. “You’re still seeing him?”
“I wouldn’t have come to you if I were.”
“Then yeah. I want to take you there. I wouldn’t mind kissing you in front of him, either.”
She rolls her eyes. “How about the Cavern instead? I’m craving nachos.”
I shrug. “Sure. Do you want to change or anything?”
She’s in a simple white dress that she pulled on after our shower, and when she looks down at herself, her face goes pale. She’s quiet for a few beats too long.
“Alex.” I tilt her chin up until she’s looking at me. “It was just a question. I wasn’t suggesting that you need to. You look amazing in that dress, but I’d be happy to have you with me wearing anything.” I pause. “Or nothing. I could go for you wearing nothing.”
Her eyes go wide and she bites back a grin. “I’m not wearing nothing in public.”
“Okay, I guess we can stay here and get naked again. If you insist.” I reach for the hem of her dress, and she smacks my hand away.
“I do want to change, now that you mention it.”
Before I can say anything else, she’s heading into the master bedroom. “You don’t need to change for me,” I call after her.
“If I’m going on a date with Sebastian Crowe, I want to do it right.”
“A date,” I say to myself. “Damn straight.” I settle back into the leather sofa and try to ignore the leopard that’s been staring at me from its second-story perch all day. Rich people are weird. The walls are covered with art that probably cost more than my parents’ whole house, and the coffee table has stained glass inlays. Yeah, if Alex and I are this rich, I think we’ll do something good with the money. Maybe build shelters where homeless families get their own rooms with locking doors, or create afterschool programs. Hell, with NFL money, anything is possible.
Alex’s books are stacked on the glass, and there’s a soft blanket folded on the arm of the couch. This must be where she studies. The idea makes me grin.
I grab the stack of textbooks. Calculus, communications, the reader for our women’s studies course. My heart stutters when I get to the bottom of the stack and the pile of well-loved journals waiting there.
“Those are Martina’s diaries,” Alex says, surprising me. “I actually thought I had them all until someone sent me her last one out of the blue.”
I feel like I’ve been caught snooping through her drawers, and I restack the books—including the journal—and put them back where I found them. Every time Martina comes up, it’s half shock and half relief to be able to speak freely. “That was me.”
She frowns and
looks from the stack of journals to me. “Why did you have it?”
“She left it at my house. She was supposed to come by for it but…” I shrug. “She never got the chance. I never read it. I didn’t feel right.”
Alex’s brow creases. She takes a seat on the couch beside me and pulls the bottom book from the stack. “But I got this before you told me the truth.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I thought I had to keep my secrets to protect Dad…to protect you. But I knew that journal didn’t belong with me.”
“Then your dad got arrested and you decided it didn’t matter?”
I rub the back of my neck. “I was only protecting a guy I thought was trying to turn it around.” I run my finger along the tattered spine and wish I’d had the courage to read it. I wonder what she wrote in there. My stomach churns at the idea of Alex reading about what Martina and I did together. “Have you read it?”
“No.” She leans her head on my shoulder, and I close my eyes with guilty relief. “I brought the whole stack over here to read, and when I sat down to start, I only made it through the first one and a little of the next. I can’t decide if she’d want me to keep reading. I mean, the whole pinky promise didn’t outline what was allowed in the event that one of us dies too fucking young, you know?” She wipes at her cheeks and shakes her head.
“I don’t think you have to read them now, but you should eventually. Otherwise you’ll always wonder.”
“She was always braver than me, too.”
I cup her face in my hands and graze her scar with my thumb. “I’ve never met anyone braver than you.”
* * *
Alexandra
“You’re all smiles tonight,” Bailey says. She grins at me from across our table at the Cavern. Sebastian is at the bar ordering drinks, and she’s right. I can’t stop smiling.
“So what?”
“Oh my God, girl. If there was a facial expression for I’ve spent the last two days coming my brains out, it’s the one on your face right now.”
I bite my lip to stifle a giggle. I feel giggly. I feel giddy. This morning I woke up with Sebastian’s arm around me. He was holding me tightly, my back to his chest, like he was afraid I might disappear while he slept. I’ve never felt so cherished in my life.
“Totally unrelated,” Bailey says, “but Sebastian didn’t come home last night. Hmm. Crazy coincidence.”
My cheeks heat and I duck my head to hide my face, but she laughs so hard that I’m sure my embarrassment is clear.
“So you two are a thing, then?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Yes? Maybe?” I hope.
“What about Logan?”
“I broke up with him Friday night.”
She sighs dramatically. “You’re going to tell me you didn’t even dip your spoon into the apple pie before throwing it away, aren’t you?”
I shrug. “What can I say? I’m a chocolate girl.”
“Sounds reasonable.” She tilts her head and her grin falls away. “So did you and my roommate work out whatever was keeping you apart before?”
“We did.” I shrug. “Or, I don’t know, maybe we’re still working through it, but it’s going to be okay.”
“It’s the man of the hour,” Bailey says.
My pulse ticks up a notch as Sebastian steps up to the table holding our drinks, his expression solemn.
“Hey, Bailey.” He sets his beer and my margarita on the table. “Could you keep Alex company? It looks like I have to run.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
He meets my eyes, and there’s so much worry in his that I feel guilty for being so carefree the last twenty-four hours. “Dad’s lawyer couldn’t get him out today. They’re holding him until the court date because of some related crimes.” He shakes his head. “I don’t really know what’s going on. I just want to go home and make sure Mom and Olivia are doing okay.”
“Do you want me to go?” I ask.
Leaning forward, he presses a kiss to the top of my head. “This is something I have to do alone.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Alexandra
Sometimes your life transforms from not much more than tolerable to a dream so fast that you’re not sure that bad stuff ever happened. Did I ever have a twin sister named Martina? Did I ever survive a house fire?
That’s how I feel at the shop Tuesday with Sebastian throwing long glances at me my whole shift.
I flip the sign on the door to closed, and Sebastian grabs me from behind, spins me around, and presses me against the glass. He grins into my hair, his hands moving over my shirt. He cups my jaw in one big hand as he lowers his mouth to mine. His kiss is sweet and firm, gentle and demanding all at once. And by the time he pulls away, I’m breathless.
“I have to go to practice,” he says. His voice is low and husky, and he trails his thumb along my jaw before nipping at my bottom lip. “I don’t want to go anywhere.”
Smiling up at him, I shake my head. “I have plans anyway, so you need to go to practice like a good boy.”
“I don’t want to be a good boy,” he says. The hand that’s at my waist slides under my shirt, his thumb circling my navel. I gasp, and he lowers his mouth to my ear. “I want to be very, very bad.”
I groan. Arching into him, I contemplate making out with him in the locker room. The loud knock on the glass brings me to my senses, and we both swing our attention around to the man standing on the other side.
It’s Logan. His jaw is hard as he stands there staring at us, his hands tucked into his pockets. His eyes shift between me and Sebastian, and guilt crawls over my skin like a thousand tiny ants. We were never really together, and I cut things off completely on Friday. He knew I had feelings for someone else, but that doesn’t change the hurt in his eyes. It doesn’t change the guilt eating at me when he stares at us.
I’m frozen, but Sebastian seems unfazed. He opens the door and extends a hand. “Logan! Is everything okay, man?”
Shit, shit, shit. This can’t be good, and judging by the anger on Logan’s face, it’s definitely not.
“I was coming to check on you,” Logan says to Sebastian. “With everything with your dad… But I guess you’re busy.” Grimacing, he turns to me. “Sebastian must be the old friend you were telling me about.”
“Yes.” God, this moment couldn’t be more awkward.
All three of us are silent. Sebastian looking between me and Logan, Logan looking between me and Sebastian. The only noise comes from out front and the hum of cars buzzing down the street in front of the shop.
“I really like you, Alex,” Logan says. He shifts his gaze to Sebastian, and his nostrils flare as his eyes go dark. “Jesus Christ, Crowe, are you for real about her?”
Sebastian closes his eyes like he can’t look Logan in the face, and I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.
“Real smooth,” Logan says. “Martina dies, so you just move on from her to her twin? One sister’s as good as the other?”
Sebastian’s eyes fly open. “Fuck. You.”
Logan arches a brow and lifts his hands. “Are you going to deny it? Because from what I just saw, it looks like I’m right.”
“What?” Oh, God. “Martina?”
Sebastian closes his eyes.
“You and Martina? You told me that you… But you were together?”
“It was complicated.” He seems to know how bad that sounds, because he flinches. The words are as damning as an affirmation. With the kind of trouble they were involved in, I’m sure everything about their life was complicated.
My stomach surges into my throat. “How could you keep that a secret from me?”
Sebastian looks to Logan, who looks almost pleased with himself. “I would have told you,” Logan says, “but I didn’t know he was the asshole you had feelings for. You can do better, Alex.”
“Get the fuck out of my shop,” Sebastian says. His voice is quiet, but no one can miss the razor-sharp edge of it. He seems more dangero
us in this moment than I’ve ever seen him.
Logan looks at me one last time. “This doesn’t change how I feel about you, but it sounds like you two have some things to figure out.” He turns on his heel and walks down the street away from us, leaving me alone with Sebastian. Leaving me alone with my dead sister’s former…what? Boyfriend? Lover?
“You two must have gotten a real kick out of keeping that from me,” I say, my voice shaking to match my insides. “Was it funny? Did you and Martina laugh together, watching me moon over you when you were fucking around with her?”
“Alex.”
“You were broken after the fire, and I let myself believe that you cared so much for me that seeing me hurt broke you. Everyone I cared about was grieving her death and no one could really grieve for me, for what I lost that night. I thought you were the one exception. But that’s not it. I was wrong. You were broken about her.”
He steps forward, his eyes desperate. “I was broken about you.”
“Why? Why the secrecy? Why leave me in the dark and make me feel like a fool?” He reaches for me, and I push him away. “No. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
I rush to my car and drive away as quickly as possible, but it still hurts like I’m moving in slow motion.
* * *
The worst thing about having a broken heart is that you never really know if you’re being rational. I mean, I’ve always wanted Sebastian, and as soon as I walked out of the shop tonight, I wanted to turn right around and tell him to forget everything I just said. I wanted to tell him I’d be okay and I’d take him any way I could get him. Yes, it hurts to know that he was with Martina first, to know he was the secret boyfriend who was going to take care of her. “We’re soulmates, Alex. Don’t stress so much.” But maybe I’d take that hurt in exchange for being with him.
I know that’s the wrong thing to do. I’d be selling myself short and selling him short. Our relationship is too new to survive the weight of that kind of doubt.
