Preparation for pregnancy had been one of Gloria’s reasons for exercise too. She wanted to give her baby a good start and a healthy body was part of that. But as she was learning these days, her baby also needed a happy and stable home life. Once she would not have questioned her and Josh’s ability to provide that. Now, she wasn’t sure.
“Did you hear what I said, Gloria? You look as though you’re a million miles away.”
“What? Yes, I heard you.”
“Come on. Let’s have it. What’s on your mind?”
Gloria slowed her pace. “Josh.”
“What about Josh?”
“It’s taking longer than I thought for him to find a job.”
“And . . .”
“To talk to Josh, you’d think we were destitute or something. He wants to put our lives on hold until he finds a job. I’m working. We’re getting by. And we’re far from being destitute.”
“Have you told him about the promotion yet?”
Gloria shook her head. “I’m not going to bring it up until it’s a sure thing. I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t know how Josh will react.”
“Come on, Gloria. He’ll be happy for you.”
Gloria wished Portia were right. Keeping secrets from Josh was not fun. “I’m not sure. Josh is turning out to be a little chauvinistic in his attitude. He doesn’t look at the money I bring in as our money. It’s my money. When he was working and we were saving my salary, it was our money. Now that my salary is all that we have, it’s my money. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Did you two talk about money before you got married?”
“Of course we did. But any time we talked about us being a one-paycheck family, it was always Josh’s paycheck.”
“Does it bother you that much?”
“Yes, it bothers me. What does Josh think I am? I have an education. I’m capable. I don’t need him to take care of me. I thought we were taking care of each other. Now, Josh won’t allow me to enjoy sharing this burden with him. I know it’s hard for him, but he needs to think about me.”
“What do you want him to do, Gloria?”
Gloria shrugged her shoulders and reduced the speed on the treadmill. “I just want him to acknowledge that our marriage is a partnership. We support each other. He’s making it seem so one-sided.”
When Portia didn’t comment, Gloria looked at her. “You don’t have anything to say?”
“I wonder if there’s something else bothering you.”
“Like what?”
“Maybe your talk with Eleanor this morning. Did she mention the promotion?”
If anyone but Portia had asked this question, Gloria would have thought they were being nosy. But how could Portia be anything other than nosy? Well, it wasn’t really nosiness, it was friendly concern. “How did you know about Eleanor? God, you and office gossip. Does anything get by you?”
Portia laughed. “Not much. What did she say?”
“You don’t know?”
“I couldn’t put a glass to the door, now could I?”
Gloria laughed at that. “We talked about changes at the bank.”
Portia straddled the belt of her treadmill. “You got the promotion?”
“No, I didn’t get the promotion. Yet. Eleanor and I had an unofficial career planning session. She talked about possibilities.”
“Did she give specifics?” Portia turned off her treadmill and leaned against one of the handrails.
“Not really. Nothing’s final. But she did talk timeframes and numbers.”
“Come on, Gloria. Don’t keep stringing me along. What did she say?”
“Everything should be final in four weeks. If things work out, I’ll get the promotion and a thirty-five percent raise.”
“Thirty-five percent? That’s great. You should be ecstatic. Why aren’t you?”
Gloria had asked herself that same question. A year ago, she would have been planning a party. But not now. “I’ve learned that nothing is sure until it’s done. I’m not celebrating until it’s official.”
“You’re thinking about what happened to Josh, aren’t you?”
“How can I not think about it? Josh was expecting a promotion and look what happened. Nothing is certain.”
“You’re becoming cynical, Gloria. It doesn’t sound like you.”
“Not cynical. Realistic.”
“Not me. I’m making Dexter take me out tonight as sort of a pre-celebration,” Portia said. “Good news for you is good news for me. Hell, I may even start planning to redecorate my new office.”
Gloria shook her head. “You’re one of a kind, Portia.”
“That’s what Dexter says. Are you going to give Josh the news?”
“Not now. I told you, I’m waiting to celebrate and I don’t know how Josh will react to the news.” And the way Gloria figured it, there was no need to stir the pot until something was definite.
“I think it’s funny.”
Gloria turned to Portia. “Enlighten me, then, because I could use a laugh. I don’t see anything funny about the situation.”
“Not funny ha-ha, but funny interesting. If Josh were content to sit on his butt while you worked, you’d be furious. You’d think he was using you. But when he wants to be the provider and feels badly because he can’t be, you’re furious. I’m beginning to wonder if Josh is in a no-win situation.”
“It’s not like that at all. Sure, I want Josh to find work. I’d be pissed if he didn’t look for a new job and he expected me to support us indefinitely. But I need to know that we’re a team. I want to be there for Josh in all ways—including financially. Why can’t he just accept it? It won’t be forever.”
“If you feel this strongly about it, you need to talk to him.”
“I know that and I’ve been putting it off. After Aruba, I thought we had crossed the biggest hurdles, but they don’t seem to end. There’s one thing after another.”
Portia laughed and shook her head. “I have to keep reminding myself that you’re a newlywed.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you haven’t learned yet what marriage is all about. Somehow you think it’s a straight road to a predetermined destination, but it’s not. There are no guarantees where you’ll end up, what roads you’ll follow to get there or that you’ll make it there together.”
“And you call me a cynic?”
“I’m not saying marriage isn’t great. I love being married, but I also know that it’s a day-by-day commitment to stay together and follow the road wherever it leads.”
***
Josh was in the kitchen when Gloria came home from work. “In here,” he called when he heard the front door open.
Gloria walked into the kitchen and greeted him with a kiss. “How you doing, handsome? Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”
Josh smiled at her before turning to set the temperature on the oven. “Are you getting tired of my cooking?”
Gloria took a seat at the table. “I love your cooking, but it’s been ages since we’ve gone out.”
Josh nodded. They hadn’t been out once in the last couple of months, but he didn’t feel comfortable going out. All he thought about was how much things cost and how much they could save if they stayed home. “I’ve already prepared dinner. We can go out another night.”
“But I want to go out tonight,” Gloria cooed.
Josh took the salad fixings out of the refrigerator. “What’s so special about tonight? We can go out another night.”
“You’ve been saying that for a while, Josh, but we never go.”
Josh pulled a huge salad bowl from the cupboard. “We need to watch our money. The headhunter said nine months to a year.”
“But does that mean a year without going out?”
“No, but we can’t go out as much as we did before.”
Josh turned on the faucet to wash the lettuce. They were not goi
ng out for dinner.
“I know that, Josh, but we never go out anymore. We can afford this. I’m working. We have savings.”
I’m working. I’m working. Those words echoed in Josh’s mind. She had finally said it. He didn’t know why he was surprised. He knew it would finally come to this. Leaving the water running, he turned to face her. “So it’s your money and you should be able to spend it any way you want to? Is that what you’re saying, Gloria?”
He heard her frustrated sigh before she said, “It’s our money. We should be able to enjoy some of it.”
Josh turned off the water and slammed the salad bowl on the table. “If you want to go out, then we’ll go out.” He walked out of the kitchen. “I guess you’ll pick up the check?”
Gloria rushed after him. “Don’t be like this, Josh.”
Josh turned around unexpectedly and she bumped into him. He grabbed her by both arms. “Like what, Gloria? You don’t want me to be concerned about money because you’ve got it covered. Okay, I won’t be concerned about the money. You happy?”
Gloria jerked away from him. She rubbed her arms as if he had hurt her. “What’s wrong with you, Josh? Why are you talking to me like this? I’m trying to continue our lives and you want to curl up and wither away. It’s not going to work.”
Josh knew he was wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Since you seem to know everything, then you tell me what will work.”
“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,” Gloria said. She grabbed her purse from the couch. “I’m going out. You stay here and think about what’s happened. You owe me an apology.” With that, Gloria raced out of the door, leaving it open behind her.
Josh heard her car start as he slammed the front door. “Good riddance.”
Josh stormed to the couch and flopped down. He grabbed a pillow and punched it repeatedly. He stood up, still holding the pillow, and paced back and forth in front of the couch. I’m working she had said. Well, I know she’s working. There’s no need for her to rub it in. Damn! Who the hell does she think she is? I’m trying my damnedest to find work and she throws it up in my face that she has a job. To hell with her.
Josh threw the pillow on the couch and pounded into the kitchen. He jerked open the refrigerator door and pulled out a beer. After popping the tab, he threw his head back and took a long swig. “Now, that was good.” He closed the refrigerator door, leaned back against the sink and opened his mouth to down the rest of the can. As he lifted the can to his lips, he remembered another beer can in another hand. How could I have forgotten that? he wondered. His dad had held a beer can in his hand the night he had struck his mother.
Josh turned around and poured the contents of the can down the drain. He was not going to be like his father. He was not going to try to drink away his troubles and he was not going to take his frustrations out on his wife.
Is that what I did tonight? he asked himself. Was the fight all about me and my problems?
Josh walked slowly back in to the living room. Memories of the evening flashed through his mind. How had things gotten out of hand so quickly? One minute he was preparing a romantic meal for his wife and the next she was storming out of the house. He flopped down on the couch again. Why had he forced his wife to leave like that? Why had he done it? What if she hurts herself? Oh, God, where could she have gone? She shouldn’t be driving in her condition.
He stood up again, went to the door, and looked out the side panels. What if she had an accident? He felt fear rise up in him.
No, I won’t think like that. She’s fine. She probably went to Portia’s. I’ll call and see. Josh stalked over to the phone, picked up the receiver, and dialed Portia’s number. He hung up before the first ring. I’m blowing this way out of proportion, he reasoned. Gloria is a grown woman, more than capable of taking care of herself. He looked at the phone. He moved to pick it up again but changed his mind and went back to the couch and sat down. Where the hell is she?
***
“What the hell is Josh’s problem?” Gloria asked aloud as she floored the Beamer down the street, no destination in mind. “I’ve bent over backwards to be supportive and he treats me like this. Just who the hell does he think he is?”
Gloria pulled into the parking lot of Viner’s Diner, less than a mile from her home. She walked in, smiled briefly at the waitress, and took a table near the back.
Their first real fight. She and Josh were having their first real fight. They had argued before but never like this. Never with her storming out. Never with Josh yelling at her, grabbing her. Never with them being unable to talk.
Josh had scared her tonight. The things he had said and the way he had said them. Things had gotten out of control. She hadn’t liked what she had seen. It was a glimpse of a side of Josh that she hadn’t known existed. No, her Josh was controlled and direct. Their only major fight, until now, had been over the car.
“It’s not practical, Gloria,” Josh had said, leaning against the powder blue Corvette.
“You mean, I’m not practical, don’t you, Josh?”
“That’s not what I mean at all. It’s not practical for both of us to buy sports cars. One of the vehicles has to be general purpose.”
“But why does it have to be my vehicle? Why don’t you get the general-purpose vehicle and let me get the sports car?”
“Let’s be reasonable about this. We’ll be keeping this car for at least six years. During that time, we’ll have two or three children. We need to buy a car now that will hold those children.”
“We can trade in your car and get a ‘reasonable’ car. You don’t need a Turbo Saab.”
“Be reasonable, Gloria. Who’ll stay home with the children? Who’ll drive this car most?”
Gloria had eyed Josh then. She hated when he was right. “We could buy the sports car now and trade it in when I get pregnant.”
“That wouldn’t make sense and you know it. We’d lose money. If you get a new car now, it should be the Volvo wagon. There’s nothing wrong with the Beamer that you have now. Why not keep it a few more years?”
“But the Corvette is . . . it’s me.”
Josh had laughed at that. “If you really want the car, of course, we can get it. But it’d be a waste of money.”
“I knew I should have bought my convertible before we got married. My friends all said things would change. I didn’t know how right they were.”
Josh laughed again. “I’m not keeping you from getting the car, Gloria. Get the car. I want you to get the car.”
“You know you’ve won, Josh. I’m not getting the car. How could I after all your practical arguments? I’d never be able to drive it and have any fun. I’ll keep my 325.”
Josh had hugged her to him and laughed again. “I knew you’d make the right decision.”
She had pretended to be piqued. “I want you to know, Joshua Martin, that you won’t win all our arguments so easily.”
As Gloria thought about it now, she realized Josh had always controlled the money. We’d probably be fighting about money even if he hadn’t lost his job, she reasoned. I should have gotten that Corvette.
Gloria requested a Diet Coke when the waitress took her order. She would drink the soda and then she would go back home. She and Josh needed to talk.
By the time the waitress returned with the Coke, Gloria’s appetite had returned. She was hungry enough for two dinners. Hungry enough to stay in the restaurant for a good three hours. She smiled to herself. That should give Mr. Martin enough time to put together a decent apology.
Five
When Josh saw the headlights in the driveway, he stood and faced the door. After what seemed to be more than an hour, he heard the car door open and close. Next, the click of heels against the walkway. The clicking stopped right outside the door. There was a period of silence before he heard the key turn in the lock. He rushed to the door.
“Gloria . . .” he began when she walked through
the door. She met his eyes, then brushed past him. He turned and watched her flop down on the couch, dropping her purse on the floor next to her. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
“Gloria,” he began. “I’m sorry about what happened.”
“What did happen, Josh?” She spoke without opening her eyes.
Josh sat on the cocktail table in front of her and placed his hand on her knee in supplication. She moved and his hand fell away. “I’ve said I’m sorry. What more do you want?”
She opened her eyes and sat up straight. Her eyes were red and he knew she’d been crying. “Why won’t you say something?” he asked.
He stood up and walked away from her, frustrated by her unwillingness to talk to him, to forgive him. “To hell with it, Gloria. Why did you come back if you’re not going to talk to me?”
“I asked you a question,” she said softly.
He walked back to his seat on the cocktail table. He didn’t know what had happened, so he stalled. “What did you ask?”
“Oh, Josh,” she said, as if it were some major calamity that he didn’t hear or didn’t remember the question.
“Ask me again,” he said, placing his hand on her knee once more. He was relieved and encouraged when she allowed it to remain there.
“What happened here, Josh? Why were we fighting? It’s more than my wanting to go out to dinner.”
Josh moved to sit next to her on the couch. He placed his arm around her shoulder and attempted to pull her into his embrace. She pulled away. “This isn’t helping,” she said. “We need to talk.”
“Can’t I hold you while I talk?” Josh needed the physical contact of her body against his to assure him that everything would be all right.
She got up from the couch and stood in front of the fireplace, her back to him. “You don’t need to hold me in order to talk.”
Josh heard the pain in her voice. She was hurting but she was wrong. He did need to hold her. And, he decided, she needed him to hold her. He followed her steps to stand behind her. He reached his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him, resting his head on top of hers. “I love you, Gloria,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for the things I said earlier.”
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