“I needed to smash something.”
His voice sent a chill running through her. “What’s happened? Help me understand.”
He crossed his arms, hiding the stump on his left arm under his armpit. His precious i-limb was nowhere in sight. “You know my buddy, Brent? Well, his helo went down and he’s probably dead right now. No one knows, because our forces can’t get to the crash site. The Taliban have dug in and are fighting them off.”
“Oh, Shane.” She bit her lip and sucked back a sob. “I’m so sorry. I know what a good friend he is to you.” She reached out a hand to him, but he pushed it away.
“Yeah, well, I threw a little pity party. So now you know. I’m a stinkin’ drunk. Not worth shit.”
“Don’t say that. It’s not true.” She grimaced, for she knew the truth. An alcoholic would always be an alcoholic, and could only stay sober one day at a time. “I’ll help you through this, Shane.”
“You can’t help me. Nobody can.” He stormed away from her and smashed his fist against the wall, again and again.
Major began to howl.
“Get out of here, Lauren,” he said between blows. “Get out. You don’t want a guy like me in your life.” He turned bloodshot eyes to her. “Not with a kid.”
Lauren stood still as a stone, while her world crashed around her, destroying her dreams of Shane.
“Shane. You need help right now. Let me take you to the hospital and get your hand looked at.”
“I’m not going to the hospital. I’m fine. Don’t need you. Don’t need anybody.”
“You are far from fine.” She bit her lip. “You probably need your hand set, and to detox.”
“Don’t bother me. Okay? Just leave.”
“I’m not going to leave you. I’m a doctor, remember? And you clearly need help.”
“What I don’t need is your pity, and I can take care of myself. Been doing that most of my life.”
“Doing a fine job too,” she snapped, getting angry. So much for pity. She wanted to shake him hard. Let him see exactly what he’d done, and how difficult it was going to be to fix it.
“Yeah, right on, sister.” He gave her a contemptuous look. “Now you can see the kind of man I am. You need to take your boy far, far away from me.”
“I’m not afraid of you. And Josh adores you.” Even as she said the words, she knew his relationship with her son was over. It had to be. There was no other choice. Josh’s security and stability came first.
Shane’s face changed, as if something had finally gotten through to him. “I’m not worth your tears,” he said, and stepped close. “Don’t cry, Lauren.”
She met his gaze. “I’m crying because I can’t bear to see you like this.”
“I’m sorry about that. But you see, I’m not the man you wanted me to be.”
“Maybe.” She didn’t flinch. “But I can’t leave you like this. I’m calling Rick. You need help.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “Don’t do that. I need my job. Besides I’m okay. Physician, heal thyself,” he muttered and laughed.
“You need treatment on your hand, and rehab.”
“I certainly don’t need rehab and I can fix myself.”
“That doesn’t seem to be working at the moment.” She glanced around the room, not hiding her dismay. “You can’t stay here alone.”
“I can and I will. Told you I’m fine.”
“Sure. Until a crisis comes along. Well, I’ve got news for you, buddy. Our lives are chock full of crises, and if you’re going to be a medic, or a doctor, or anything worthwhile, you’re going to need a support group to keep you on track.”
“I don’t need shit.”
“Give me Rick’s number or I’ll call the EMT dispatcher for it.”
“He can’t help me. Nobody can.”
“You’re wrong. That’s what partners are for. They’ve got each other’s back.” She watched him closely, afraid to take her eyes off him. He was in a self-destructive mood and she didn’t know what he might do.
“Who’s got yours, Lauren? Did you ever ask yourself that?”
CHAPTER THIRTY
After she’d called Rick and assured herself that he could take care of Shane, Lauren headed home. She thought about Shane’s taunting question on the long drive back.
It was true that no one had her back, but she had Josh’s and that was all that mattered. Once again, they were on their own.
What could she possibly tell Josh that wouldn’t break his heart? And what would she do now without Shane? She didn’t love him any less because of what had happened, but she couldn’t let him near her child. No matter how much it hurt, she had to curtail their friendship, and put an end to her love affair with Shane.
The violence he’d displayed had shocked her, and maybe he’d done it for that purpose—to push her away. He wanted her to see the worst in him, and that glimpse had not been pretty. But it didn’t stop her from loving him. She couldn’t turn her feelings on and off like that.
But this wasn’t about her. Or Shane. Josh would be inconsolable, and he would require even closer supervision. She hoped the new medication that his doctor prescribed would help him cope better with his pain.
When she walked in, Julie was immersed in a late-night movie. She unfolded herself off the couch, pulled her pink T-shirt down over her generous hips, and clicked the TV off. She was a pretty, forty-something woman from Costa Rica, and had no family here, but supported a grown daughter and her mother back home.
Seeing Lauren’s face, she asked in alarm, “You okay, Dr. Reynolds?”
Lauren nodded. “Yes. It’s just been a really bad day. That’s all.”
“Well, is there anything I can do? Would you like me to stay over?”
“No, no. You’ve been here long enough, and I appreciate your staying late for me.” She walked Julie to the door. “I have to tell Josh something in the morning, and he’s going to be upset. I’ll need you to take extra special care of him right now. He might act out for a while.”
“There is nothing that boy can do that I can’t handle. You just go to work like always, and leave him to me.”
“You’re a gem, Julie. I’ll let his teacher know that he’s had an upset, and we’ll all just have to do what we can to help him handle his grief.”
“Can I ask what’s happened?”
“It’s his friend, Shane. He won’t be able to see him anymore.”
“Oh, dear. That will break the poor boy’s heart.”
“Yes. I’m sure it will, but nothing can be done about it.”
“I’m terribly sorry. He’s a good man, but I know you have your reasons.” She gave Lauren a quick hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After Julie left, Lauren poured herself a glass of wine and sat down on the sofa. She knew her mind was too troubled to allow her to sleep.
The following morning she decided to hold off telling Josh until he returned from school. Still, as if it would help, she made him blueberry pancakes for breakfast, adding slices of banana on top in the shape of a happy face.
“Mom, is it my birthday or something?” Josh attacked his pancakes, dipping each piece in a pool of maple syrup.
“No, honey. It doesn’t have to be a special day for you to enjoy your favorite breakfast. I’ve also decided to take the day off and pick you up after school.”
“Wow.” His eyes grew big as saucers. “Is it your birthday?”
She laughed to hide her true feelings. She was uneasy, sick at heart, and exhausted from worry. She’d had a sleepless night, and had cried for much of it. “No, dear. I’ve been working a lot lately, and I’ve decided we should have a night to ourselves.”
“Can Shane come?”
Her heart squeezed painfully. “No, not tonight, honey. It’s just you and me.”
“I want Shane.” He stabbed his pancake over and over. “I want Shane.”
“I know you do, but he can’t make it. Besides, we’ve always had fun together. R
emember all the cool things we used to do by ourselves? How about bowling? We could go after school and eat hot dogs for dinner.”
He stopped attacking the pancake, and looked up. “Can I bring a friend?”
“Sure. If you want to. But I thought it might be more fun if it was just you and me.”
“If I ask Brad, maybe he’ll like me again.”
“What about that new boy? Thomas? Isn’t that his name?”
“Yeah, but like I said. He’s a dork.”
“Come on, give him a break. He doesn’t know many people here yet, and I’m sure he’d like to make new friends.”
Josh gulped down his milk. “I’ll ask.”
“That would be nice, dear. And if not today, perhaps he could come over this weekend.”
She put the dishes away while he ran off to brush his teeth, and then she drove him to school. She watched him walk inside, a lonely figure, with no buddies around to greet him. Her heart ached for him, for her, for all the good things that should have been.
When Josh was out of sight she called the hospital to say a personal issue had come up and she wouldn’t be in, then drove over to check on Shane.
He opened the door at her first knock and stepped back. Although his eyes were red-rimmed and blurry, he’d shaved and cleaned himself up. His hand was bandaged, she noticed, and the furniture was back in place. The books and paraphernalia that had littered the floor had been picked up. Only a broken lamp stood as a reminder of the violent storm that had erupted during the harrowing night.
“Well, you’re looking better,” she said in way of greeting. Major danced around her feet, begging to be petted. She dropped her hand and let him lick it.
“Look, I’m sorry, Lauren. I screwed up. It won’t happen again.” His shoulders were hunched over, and he had a sheepish look on his face. But his eyes wouldn’t meet hers.
She swallowed hard, and she couldn’t look at him either. “Yes, you did.”
“Rick came by after you left, and he promised not to tell anyone at work as long as I join AA and go to all the meetings.”
“That was kind of him.” She kept her voice neutral, not giving him any hint of her feelings. He had to know that he’d disappointed her, and that he’d broken her heart. He would have to live with that guilt too.
“Is that all you’ve got to say?”
“No.” She folded her arms, holding on tight, keeping herself together. “I have a lot more.” Major slinked away, no longer fighting for her attention.
“Then let it out. Don’t hold back.” He cocked his chin defiantly. “I deserve it and more.”
She knew he still didn’t get the severity of what he’d done, and how it would affect their relationship and devastate her son.
She spoke gently, like she would to a sick patient. That’s what he was. Sick. He was not a bad person. He was ill and needed help. “It hurts me to say this, but I have too.” She straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. “You can no longer see Josh, and our agreement is off. I’m sorry.”
He staggered back as if she’d punched him. “What do you mean?”
“I have strong feelings for you, Shane.” She shook her head. “No, strong is too mild a term. I do love you, and Josh is mad about you.” She looked into his face, hoping he’d see she had no choice. “But you have a drinking problem and other issues, and I can’t bring that into my household.”
The blood seemed to drain from his face, and he sank into a chair. “You don’t mean that. It was a mistake.” He pleaded, “It won’t happen again. I’m going to start AA. I’m going to do it right this time. I promise.”
“It’s too late for promises, Shane. I trusted you.” Her voice broke. “I believed in you, and I can’t risk this happening again.”
“No.” He shook his head and held out his bandaged hand in a plea for understanding. “You know what happened. My best buddy in the entire world had his chopper shot down.”
“I know.” She bit her lip. “I understand.” She wanted to touch him, to hold him, but she couldn’t allow that weakness. This was the time to be strong. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, you don’t understand. You can’t possibly or you wouldn’t be saying these things.” His voice rose in panic. “Let me explain.”
“Nothing you say will change my mind.”
“It has to. Please? Here me out.” He paced the room, clearly agitated. “I called his brother Jake this morning, and our forces still have been unable to break through and rescue the men. It’s a terrible situation over there. You have no idea.”
“I’m deeply sorry, Shane. I really am.”
He gave her a pleading look. “He’s lying on the side of some fucking mountain with a bloodbath going on around him. He’s either dead or wounded, and I can’t get to him. Nobody can.”
“I understand completely. I do.” She ground her fingernails into the palms of her hands. “I understand your need to have a drink, possibly to drown your sorrows, but you don’t have that luxury anymore. You’re a recovering alcoholic. That means alcohol is poison to you.”
“I will never touch another drop as long as I live. I swear it.”
“I can’t take that chance.” She sucked back tears, refusing to let them fall. “I would never know if something else might set you off. I have to protect my son.”
“I’d never hurt Josh. You know that.” She could clearly see the agony on his face, but it didn’t matter how he felt. How she felt. Nothing could change what she had to do, and even if it killed her she couldn’t back down.
He continued in desperation, “I love that kid. And one night of getting shit-faced doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.” He took a step toward her and Major barked. “I’m disgusted by myself, too, but you have to believe me, Lauren. It won’t happen again.”
“I wish I could believe you, but I can’t take any chances with my son’s welfare. He’s all I’ve got, and it’s my duty as a parent to keep him safe.” She put a hand up, to ward him off. “I wish you all the very best, Shane, and I will always care about you. This isn’t easy for me either.” Tears blurred her vision as she turned to walk away.
He stepped in front of her. “Please, Lauren. Don’t go. Don’t leave me like this.”
She looked at him for a long moment, not saying a word. He’d broken her heart, and her son’s too. There was nothing left to say.
She opened the door and escaped.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Lauren had a sick feeling in her stomach all day, and by the time she picked Josh up from school, she had a massive headache too. She regretted telling Josh that he could invite a friend to come with him, and for once, felt relieved to see him alone.
Today was not a good day for him to make new friends. He had to be told the truth, and the sooner the better. Still, she wanted to give him an hour or two to laugh and play before she ripped his world apart. She did ask him if he’d invited Thomas. He said he had, but the boy had T-ball practice after school.
“But maybe he can come over this weekend. Would that be okay, Mom?”
“Yes, I’m sure that can be arranged. And I’m glad it’s just going to be you and me today. We haven’t had alone time for ages.”
He got into the backseat of the car, fastened his seat belt, and talked nonstop all the way to the bowling alley.
Once they had their shoes on and found their lane, they selected their favorite ball to use.
“You go first,” she told her son.
He gave her a little wave and a gap-toothed smile, then tossed the ball. It bounced a couple of times and then rolled into the gutter. He jumped up and down, before turning to his mother with an excited grin. “Is it your turn, Mommy?”
“Not yet. You get one more try.” She showed him how to throw, and once again, the ball bounced into the gutter.
“Okay. Let’s see if I can knock one of those pins down. Can’t be too hard, right, buddy?” she asked.
“Yeah. Knock ’em down, Mommy.” He clappe
d his hands. “Knock ’em dead.”
Lauren put her fingers into the holes and lined up the shot. She took a couple of fancy steps and was about to let it rip, when the ball slipped from her fingers and landed inches from her toes.
Josh laughed, but much to her horror, she burst into tears.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” He came up beside her and hugged her legs. “Why are you crying?”
“Nothing, dear. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t usually cry.” She scrambled for her handbag, found some tissues, and mopped her face.
Josh watched her for a long minute. “Is something wrong? You’ve been acting weird all day.”
“I’m just emotional that’s all. Ignore me and let’s play.”
Josh got up. “Okay. I’m going to do it this time. You don’t need to help me.” He picked up a ball and tossed it. It weaved slowly down the lane, and took out two pins. He shouted with joy and raised his hands in the air. “I did it. I did it!”
She clapped and grinned. “You sure did. Nice going.” She nodded. “You get another try. Knock the rest down.”
He sent the next ball careening into the gutter. Lauren stepped up. “Okay, I’m ready to give it a shot.”
She took a big arc, and released the ball which traveled straight and narrow down the gleaming wood lane. It knocked the middle pin down and took out three others, leaving only one pin standing. She then sent a curve ball flying down the lane and scored a direct hit. Turning to Josh, she slapped his hand in a high five. “Got a spare.”
“I want to get a strike.” Josh jumped up and down. “How can I, Mom?”
“Here, let me help you.” She fitted the ball to his fingers and showed him again how to line up for the shot. He practiced the arm swing and at her encouragement, let it rip.
The first ball seemed to stagger and sway but it eventually made its way down the long lane, taking out the two middle two pins. His second knocked out the rest. Josh yelped. “Strike. That’s a strike, Mom.”
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