“The creator is kind,” she called, clapping both palms against her thighs. “You’re alive, Khe. And well.”
Tav jumped up from her chair and ran across the room, stopping in front of me. She stroked my neck and muttered, “I knew. I knew it all along.”
I stroked her neck in return, truly happy to see her.
Simanca still wore a pretended joy on her face, but her eyes were as hard and cold as dead wood. She kept her gaze on me, muttering so low that only I, with better hearing, heard her. “This changes things.”
Her smile turned true, but it wasn’t from happiness at seeing me. “Is this where you’ve been all this time, Khe — in the corenta?”
“Trying to come back to us,” Tav said and stroked my neck again. “All this time, trying to return to Lunge commune however she could.”
I didn’t have the heart to correct her.
“Now that we’ve found each other again,” Simanca said to Azlii, “of course Khe will be returning to Lunge. We thank you for bringing her to us.” She swiveled her head back to me. “Your sisters miss you very much. They feared you were returned to the creator. They will be delighted to have you back in your rightful place.”
My mouth felt dry. “This is my place, and these my sisters.” I spread my arm to encompass Azlii, Nez, and the whole of Kelroosh. Even as I said it, I thought of Jit, Stoss, and Thedra, and knew they, too, were my sisters, that the bond with the doumanas of Lunge would never be broken. That like Nez, I was of two places, and of neither.
Tav stared at me as if I had shunned her. Which I suppose I had.
Simanca rested her hands on her lap and smiled. “Azlii, shall we talk trade? Thanks to Khe, we have a good store. What would you like, how much, and what do you offer in return?”
“What would you like?” Azlii said. “We visit almost every type of commune and kler. I can take your order now and deliver to you later.”
Simanca laced her fingers together, never raising her hands from her lap. Silence spread in the room like a shadow.
This wasn’t going the way Azlii had expected — I could see that. I didn’t know what she had expected: that upon seeing me, Simanca would fall to her knees, confess her sins and, in atonement, beg to give Kelroosh all the supplies they needed? Azlii should have listened more closely when I talked about my old commune leader and what had happened in the fields at Lunge.
What do you think, Hall? I sent, but Hall chose this moment to stay silent.
I could feel my strength slipping, almost as if Simanca were pulling it out of me and into her.
Strike while the enemy feels strong, Hall sent suddenly.
Azlii said, “As you know, Kelroosh also has an almost unique access to special types of information. Perhaps there is something you’d like to know?”
Simanca likely felt hidden and safe behind her collar, but I saw how greed bubble in her heart and spread over her skin like a coat of thick brown mud. Lumani sight — it revealed not only the emotions that might show on a doumana’s neck, but every deep and hidden feeling as well. I sent a quick thought-talk to Azlii: You have her attention now.
“We’ve recently come from Chimbalay,” Azlii said. “The First of the guardians, a doumana called Larta, is like a sister to me. She tells me things…”
I shifted my gaze to Azlii. She must feel desperate to offer up her connection to Larta. Which meant the food hoards were more depleted than she’d let on.
Simanca lifted one shoulder as if this precious offer were of no matter to her. “I only want what is rightfully Lunge commune’s. Khe will return to us. We will give you the food you need.”
“I won’t go,” I said.
Tav, Gintok, and Min stared at me, their eyes wide. The old Khe, the Khe they knew, would never have spoken so boldly.
“It’s not your decision to make,” Simanca said softly, her confidence as plain as the rain running down the outside of the windows. “As the leader of Lunge commune, and with Azlii, as the leader of this corenta, it is our place to decide.”
Azlii snickered under her breath. “You don’t understand corentans, do you? We have no leaders with final authority, only guides. Khe will make her own choice.”
My lumani eyes were still working. Behind her collar, I saw the brown-black of anger began to rise on Simanca’s neck, and fade as she saw a new way to win.
“Let Khe decide then. My offer is that Lunge will provide you with the goods you’ve asked for, providing that Khe returns to us. If she doesn’t return, sadly we would be unable to help you.”
My skin felt hot. Nez drew in a sharp breath, but Azlii merely shrugged.
“There are many farming communes,” she said.
But none with the extra supplies Lunge has, I sent to her.
I know, Azlii sent back. Don’t base your choice on that.
I made my voice sound with a calmness I didn’t feel. “We’ll be here a few days. I’ll think about it.”
“Do that,” Simanca said. “I will tell your unitmates we’ve found you again, in the corenta. They’ll want to see you.”
Simanca always knew my weaknesses.
“Please join us at Lunge tomorrow,” she said to all three of us now, “for a celebration of the new season.”
I was not, absolutely not, going to step foot onto Lunge commune. It would break my heart, one way or another.
Azlii bent her lips in a returning smile. “Thank you. We joyfully accept your hospitality. Unfortunately Khe has been ill and won’t be able to come.”
Simanca’s smile faded. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Perhaps Jit, Stoss and Thedra could come here, to Kelroosh?” I said. “You said they would want to see me. It would be sad for them to miss this chance, in case I decide not to return to Lunge.”
Let her wriggle free of that.
She sniffed. “What a wonderful suggestion. Should they come this evening, or are you too weak and would prefer to wait?”
“This evening would be fine,” I said, though I knew that seeing my commune-sisters was probably a very bad idea.
Six
When Nez and I first came to live with Azlii, Home had added on a second story sleep-quarters for us. It was quite proud to be the only structure in Kelroosh with a room on top. I stood at the west-facing window on the top floor, my heart beating fast, watching my commune-sisters while they were much too far away to see me. They stood at the open gate of Kelroosh, in the gray air of just-beyond-sunset, hesitating. Stoss, the most timid, was likely ready to turn and run. I hoped she wouldn’t. All their lives, all of mine in Lunge, we were told that corentas were evil places filled with cruel doumanas. My sisters had to be wondering what horror was about to crush them.
I pulled on a dry pair of foot casings and a light cloak, and went outside to greet them.
My neck burned like a sun inside my skin as I approached my commune unitmates. My heart felt squeezed. I’d missed them — that was the truth of it. I couldn’t see my once-sisters’ necks. Simanca had swaddled them in thick white collars, as if they had come to trade.
Maybe they had. Maybe Simanca had only let them visit so they might convince me to return to Lunge. Maybe Simanca had made them come, her words about how they missed me lies. I wanted to see them with lumani vision — as true, or truer, than seeing the spots that bloomed on their necks. All I saw now was a dim blue-red of nervousness, and that could have come from anything. It was the color my commune-sisters would have seen on my own neck if anything had shown there.
They must have worked up their courage, because they came through the gate and walked slowly toward the commons, their heads turning this way and that, taking in the strange sights. Even Thedra seemed agog, which made me smile inside; Thedra, always so sure of herself, never in doubt or thrown off her feet.
“Jit!” I called. “Stoss! Thedra!”
I walked as fast as I could toward them, meeting them in the commons where I’d watched my corenta-sisters dance. It took all my energy t
o keep going and I was panting hard and stumbling by the time I reached them. Jit steadied me — her arms stiff and unsure.
We huddled in a small clump on the commons, looking at each other. Community Hall stood on one side of the open space, and was no doubt curious about the visitors, but kept its thoughts and questions private. I straightened myself and took a small step back from Jit. We stood in awkward silence, scanning from face to face. Likely they didn’t know what to say any more than I did.
I wanted to know what they felt. “You don’t need to wear those collars. Not in front of me.”
“Simanca said — ” Stoss began.
“It’s Khe,” Thedra said, cutting her off. “Do you think she’s going to eat us up and have kiiku squares for aftermeal treat?”
She reached up and pulled off her collar with a quick finger jerk. I almost laughed. The color on her throat was the bruised brown-purple of exasperation — at her sister’s strict adherence to the rule Simanca had set down, I guessed. I never knew why Thedra got away with her small rebellions. I think I never loved her so much as in that moment.
Jit reached up and undid her collar, her eyes locked on my face. Her neck was crimson with joy.
Stoss slowly undid her collar, but held it in front of her chest like a shield. On her I saw the orange-yellow of confusion and the purple-gray of concern.
Jit’s gaze slid from my face down to my throat. The spots on her neck changed from crimson to dark-brown. “No colors for us, Khe? You feel nothing at seeing us?”
Heat spread through me, prickling my skin.
“It’s a long story,” I said. “Believe me, I couldn’t be happier to see you three, my unitmates and sisters. I feared I never would again.”
“Let’s not hear your long story standing out in the open,” Thedra said, setting one hand on her hip in that way she had. “Don’t you have a dwelling or some place we could go?”
I half-laughed, embarrassed. “Yes, of course; this way.”
They followed me down the meandering paths, tayhosh blooming at our feet, filling the air with its fragrance. I talked as we walked. “This is our community hall. Kelroosh also has this large commons area right beside it where the sisters come to mingle.”
My commune-sisters gasped at the corentan dwellings, each one as individual in size, shape, and color as the doumana who lived within. “The dwellings all look different because each doumana makes it look the way she likes. Corentans mostly live one to a dwelling, not like commune doumanas, living with their unit. I don’t live alone though, and I wouldn’t want to. I live with two others — Azlii, a corentan, and Nez, from Chimbalay.”
They eyed the trading stalls, empty now, but which at other times were loaded with goods and crowded with kler or commune doumanas looking to fill their carry-sacks with supplies from all over Region One.
“Most communes let every sister come to Kelroosh to trade for what they want,” I said.
Their necks changed colors so quickly it was hard to keep track of what they were feeling: curiosity, anxiety, surprise, amazement. I understood how they felt. The world was so much bigger and varied than my old commune-sisters could imagine. It pleased me to show them this tiny slice of what lay beyond Lunge.
When we reached Home, Stoss let out a little yelp and jumped back when the door swung open as we approached.
Thedra’s neck clouded brown-yellow with annoyance. “Is this corentan humor, Khe? Hiding behind a door to make it seem it opened itself? Are your unitmates inside, laughing at us?”
Stoss muttered, “Simanca was right. Corentans are evil.”
I saw then that what I’d been telling them had made them uncomfortable. Too much was new, too much was strange. The idea that Home opened the door itself might be more than they could take in. “Things are a little different here.” I smiled. “Come inside. We have so much to talk about.”
I touched my hand to the outside jamb and sent Home a message: These are my sisters from Lunge. We would appreciate some privacy. And no tricks, please.
Home grumbled, but I trusted it would politely turn deaf while Jit, Stoss, and Thedra were inside, and do nothing to announce its sentient presence.
We settled onto the pillows in the receiving room. Maybe it was their shock at how strange to them things were in Kelroosh, but their voices seemed to have dried up like old wells. My own brain felt suddenly damaged, unable to think of what to say either. We sat in uncomfortable silence, my sisters’ glances roving over the walls, ceiling, table — anything to not look at me, or each other. I expected it would be bold Thedra who would end the silence, but it was Jit, twisting the first two fingers of her left hand in the hold of her right.
“Why did you leave us, Khe? What had we done to make you despise your sisters?” She stopped twisting her fingers. “Simanca put it around that you’d turned into a babbler, but she had to swallow that back to ask us to come here today. You aren’t insane, so it must be that you shunned us. I want to know why.”
I held out my left arm, turning it wrist up. They’d seen my thirty-five dots before. Still Jit drew in her breath.
“You know that pushing the crops to grow bigger and faster at Lunge was aging me. When the thirty-fifth — the last — age dot appeared on my wrist, I decided I wanted to make my own choices about how to live the time left to me. I wanted to be a doumana, not a machine run nonstop until it broke beyond repair.” I swallowed hard. “Mostly I hoped to find someone who could fix me. I went to Chimbalay, to find the orindles. If anyone could stop my aging, it would be them.”
My sisters stared at my mouth while I spoke — I supposed because there were no spots on my neck to tell them my emotions. Without that, there were only words left.
“Weren’t you afraid?” Stoss said.
“Very.”
Jit’s voice rushed like storm water down a hillside. “Our purpose is to serve our community. Lunge commune nurtured you, loved you, and you left us as though we were of no more importance than dead stalks in a field.” Two emotion spots lit brown-black with anger.
I reached out to touch her neck.
She brushed my hand away. “We were a unit. The Rules of a Good Life say a unit is many bodies, but one head and heart. You took part of us away. You hurt us.”
My view flickered back and forth between my commune-sisters. Stoss’s neck was nearly all blue-red with anxiety — for Jit’s sake, I thought, not for mine.
This is what the lumani had made us — creatures so compliant, so attuned to The Rules, that my commune-sisters blamed me for choosing myself over the unit. Maybe I blamed myself a little as well.
After what seemed too long a pause but probably was only seconds, Jit pulled herself up, trembling. She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. “I’m sorry we came to see you. It was better when we thought you’d turned babbler and returned to the creator. I’m going back to Lunge now. Simanca can shun me. I don’t care.”
Then I saw. Simanca had sent my unitmates to convince me to return with them. She’d counted on my affection for them, but failed to reckon with Jit’s grief and anger.
Thedra and Stoss remained seated. Jit’s gaze bounced wildly back and forth between them. She wouldn’t look at me.
One ocher spot, the color of impatience, lit on Thedra’s neck. “Sit down, Jit. You know what else The Rules say? ‘Walk not in anger, for that path is full of stones.’ Stay. Listen to Khe.”
Slowly, Jit lowered herself back down to the floor pillow.
“I never meant to hurt you,” I said. “No more than you likely meant to hurt me when you saw what pushing the crops was doing and never thought to protest.”
“We did, though,” Thedra said. “Protest. To Simanca. Jit most of all. Of course it was useless.”
“We begged her to leave you be,” Stoss said. “We said that you’d Return too soon. That it was unnatural. That we didn’t want the extras that pushing the crops gave to Lunge. Nothing mattered to Simanca except getting more hatchlings, and th
en winning the Ten-Year Competition. We fought hard, Khe. We did.”
I tried to respond, but couldn’t make the words come out. All those lonely days and nights when I’d thought my sisters cared more for the extras my talent brought than they did for me — I’d been wrong.
They could have tried harder.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I finally managed to say. “It would have meant much.”
Jit and Stoss looked at their feet.
“Simanca,” Thedra said. “She said if we told you we’d spoken to her, we’d be shunned — and that might not be the worst of it. We were scared. The Rules say, ‘Honor your leader and obey.’ We did — and failed you.”
Jit and Stoss kept their heads down, but Thedra held her head up and stretched her neck, awash in the brown-green of shame — as if the act of boldly displaying this color was part of her atonement.
I reached over and stroked her throat. Jit and Stoss must have caught the flash of movement because they both looked up. I stood and walked over to stand in front of Jit. I squatted on my heels and stroked her neck. I did the same with Stoss. Jit kept her hands folded in her lap, ashamed. Stoss reached up and tentatively touched my neck in return.
“You were my sisters, my unitmates, in Lunge,” I said. “That bond can’t be broken by distance, or Simanca, or the things that make us different than we were.”
Thedra laughed under her breath. “You always could make a good speech, Khe. It was your gift, even before your talent was discovered.”
I smiled. “And you, a lovely song, even if your speech was less than warm.”
I sat down again, next to Thedra, our shoulders touching, sisters as we had always been. But there was a lie to it. We could never be sisters again. They were as they always were — but I could never again be the Khe they had loved.
Jit pulled her legs up under herself and hugged her arms to her chest. “Will you tell us what happened?”
I told them about the cruel doumanas who’d thrown rocks at me after I’d left Lunge, about being chased by the beast in the wilderness, and Marnka, the babbler who kept me alive until I came to Chimbalay. I said a side effect of the treatments from Pradat was the reason my spots didn’t light. I couldn’t bear for my commune-sisters to know the truth. I couldn’t tell them what Weast had done to me in that dark room, when it tried to make me spawn an unnatural race. I couldn’t tell them what I had become.
Ashes and Rain: Sequel to Khe (The Ahsenthe Cycle Book 2) Page 5
