by Gabi Moore
“Maggie …I’m sorry. What the hell happened to us? How did it get this bad?”
Like some kind of dangerous creature wriggling off a fly, she shrugged and looked up at me, eyes hardening up again. Here she was, my past, in the shape of a thin, angry woman. You may be able to run away from the past for a while, sure, but those things carry on living just the same without you. While I had my back turned, Maggie had become a strange caricature of herself.
The words that came out of her mouth next were kind and sweet, but said with a hidden venom. She made me remember how everything with her had always been just a little threatening, a little strange. She was the wasp hiding inside a flower. She painted her long nails red and smiled, but I was never sure what that smile meant.
“I don’t know what happened to us. Too much.”
“I’m sorry, Maggie, for everything.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“Have you been coping OK? With work and stuff? How’s everyone? I heard you moved.”
She smiled wistfully and tilted her head.
“I’m fine. Life goes on. Whatever. I just …I thought of you a lot, when you were away. I had a lot of time to think.”
“Me too.”
She lifted big, liquid eyes up at me.
“I’ve missed you, Zack.”
My jaw tightened. I reached out and hugged her after all. She didn’t resist. So I held her close a little and hugged her, and she let me.
“I missed you too, Maggie.”
Her body felt small and nervous in my arms. She leant into me a little, pressing her cheek against my chest. Despite myself, despite everything in me railing against it, despite everything that had happened and despite two whole years I had spent trying to wash her little black tendrils from out of my mind, despite all that, I felt my body responding to her. I tried to push her away again but she held on to me. Her body against mine reminded me of things. Of the things I knew she kept underneath all that black clothing. Of how things used to be between us.
“Do you remember how angry you used to be…?” she whispered, and before I knew it her hand was pressing urgently against my crotch. I shuddered and closed my eyes. Of course I remembered.
“How could I forget?” I said, and her hand was like a spell on me, conjuring up a past that I had tried so hard to forget, but which my body somehow remembered. I became so hard it nearly hurt. She rose up to her toes and whispered seductively into my ear.
“You know what I missed the most, Zack? Missed more than anything?”
I was more than a hundred pounds heavier than her and taller by a foot, but pulling away from her grasp at that moment seemed liked the hardest thing in the world.
“Do you know what I miss, Zack? I miss how cruel you were,” she continued. I twitched in her hands, trapped, unable to decide if I even wanted her to stop.
“Do you remember how hard you used to fuck me? You used to call it your ‘haze’, do you remember? I remember,” she whispered.
I groaned and pushed her away, shaking my head.
“Maggie, no. I can’t.”
She drew back and looked me over.
“What? That other woman?”
“I care about her. She’s special. She’s a good woman. I want to do the right thing this time,” I said, almost pleading.
She giggled.
“The right thing? Zack, the right thing for you is to stay away from any ‘good woman’. You’re a menace,” she said darkly.
“I’m different now.”
She looked down at my crotch and smirked at me.
“Really? You seem just the same to me.” She leaned in for another kiss, but I twisted my head away from her.
“I mean it, Maggie. I’m trying to be better.”
She cocked her head to the other side, undeterred.
“I understand you, Zack. We understand each other. There is no better for someone like you. But I don’t care how fucked up you are. We could try again…”
“I think you’d just better go,” I said, and squared my shoulders. I thought of Maddie. Of her mousy hair and fleshy hips. “That’s all in the past now.”
She frowned and shrugged, her mouth twisted.
“Suit yourself,” she said breezily. “When you break this other chick’s heart and she gets a restraining order against you or whatever, get in touch with me if you like. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be waiting around for you though.”
When she opened the door to leave, a big gust of cold wind blew into the house and lingered, even after she slammed the door again. I stared at the space where she had been standing. The frog had been put back down on the table in the wrong place, carelessly.
“Zack?”
I turned to see ma in the kitchen doorway, her old apron tied on and her brows knitted.
“Zack. We’ve already had dinner haven’t we?” she said, looking miserable. I nodded and she came up to me, and I folded my arms around her and pulled her frail body close.
“I’m scared, Zack. It’s happening so often now.”
I squeezed her and kissed her head. It smelt like powder and paper and sadness.
“I know, ma. I’m here. Don’t worry about it. I’m here.”
“Did I hear voices? Was somebody in here with you?” she said, and lifted questioning eyes to me.
“Yeah …it was uh …it was Maggie.”
She started and pulled away from my arms.
“Maggie?”
Her face was twisted in confusion.
“Unless we’re both having a senior moment, ma, Maggie came round. We chatted for a bit. I told her to get lost.”
Ma stepped forward and patted my arm knowingly.
“You don’t let that witch come inside here again. She’s done enough damage already.”
I hugged her again.
“I know what you need!” she said, clapping her hands together with glee.
“What’s that?”
“My famous spaghetti bolognaise. It’s so late and we both haven’t had any dinner yet, that’s the problem,” she said, and made for the kitchen.
I tried again to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it wouldn’t go. Maggie was a bitch. I hated everything she was and everything she reminded me of. But there was one small irritating detail: she was right. About everything.
“Sure, ma. Your spaghetti’s the best.”
Chapter 19 - Madeleine
I smiled at the piece of paper, read the word written on it once over again, and folded it half a few times.
Alex.
I held the ball of paper in my fingertips, dipped it over the flame and watched as the fire licked the end and was soon burning it up. First the “A” disappeared, then the “L”, and I smiled when only “EX” was left. And then that, too, burnt away, and his name turned to cinders in my hands, and those blew away and disappeared as well.
I took a deep breath.
Today would be a good day.
I had already discussed it all with my therapist. I was allowed to want things. To trust myself again. To open up to Zack and be vulnerable with him, even though it was the scariest thing in the world for me. Even though he had a dark past. Even though he had done to others the one thing I swore I would never let anyone do to me again.
He was going to be here any minute, and so I dashed around the house quickly, kicking cat toys under the sofa, plumping the pillows and arranging and rearranging the candles neatly. It wasn’t the fanciest house you’ve ever seen in your life. But at the least it could be comfortable.
Being so proactive was a new thing for me. And the prospect was exciting. Me, Maddy Bright with her love handles and unfashionable hair and abandonment issue; little old me, warts and all, finally, once and for all, in a real, genuine relationship. Not the hostage situation I had going on with Alex. Not a pact with a broken boy I would nurse to health like I did one of my rescues. But a healthy, grown up and mature relationship. Why not? If Alex could move on and improve in life, so could I.
I heard his footsteps crunching on the gravel outside and raced to the mirror to check my reflection. He’d kiss all this lipstick off anyway, but I liked that I put it on all the same.
“Zack is that you?” I called out. When he appeared in the doorway I bounced over to him for a big hug, then planted my lips onto his and kissed him deeply. He laughed, then pulled back to get a good look at my outfit.
“Whoa, will you just look at you! You expecting anyone?” he said, with that deliciously naughty twinkle in his eye. I swatted his arm and pulled him inside.
“As a matter of fact, I am, silly. His name is Zack Hunter and he thinks he’s funny. You wouldn’t have seen him around by any chance, would you?” I said and beamed at him. Even I was surprised by how happy I was to see him.
He gave the two dogs lazing on the carpet an affectionate belly rub each and then stood to smile back at me.
“Zack you say, huh? Yeah I might have heard about that guy …he’s a shady one, I’d be careful,” he said, and then reached out and pulled me back into his arms for another kiss.
I loved how easy it was for us. How right it all felt. Why had I ever resisted him? Who cared if he had some trouble in the past with an ex? Didn’t we all? But that was the past. We were here in the present now, so what did any of that matter?
“Come and sit down. I have so much I wanted to tell you.”
He looked a little nervous as I sat beside him and cleared my throat. I made a mental note to get a better sofa. If I were going to be a mature, healthy, put-together adult, I’d have to start by getting some more sophisticated furniture, for one.
“I broke up with Alex. Properly this time.”
He looked at me blankly.
“I know, I’ve been broken up with him for ages, but this time everything’s really well and truly over. That cord is cut,” I said, and mimed a string that I snipped in half with two fingers.
He smiled and placed a firm hand on my knee and squeezed.
“That’s great, Maddy. I’m glad to hear that. It sounds like you guys had a really …unhealthy thing going on. I’m glad you’re not going to take his shit anymore.”
“Oh, but that’s the thing, that’s what different this time. I think I actually understand all his shit now. I think I can forgive him. We talked it all out, and you know, I can’t describe it, but I feel like I can move on from this now you know?”
I was expecting him to be a little more excited. I guess you can’t expect people to throw a party the fortieth time you’ve broken up with the same guy. But still.
“I just …I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About him, about you. That’s why I wanted to talk to you today” I said. I didn’t like that my words seemed to make him frown. I went on.
“I’m sorry about the other day Zack. How …weird things were between us. I just needed to get my head clear about some things. I was just… I was scared.”
His face dropped. His pale eyes were flat but infinitely deep somehow. Like the sky. Like anything could be going on in there. He said nothing. This wasn’t quite how I had planned things. Like an idiot, and totally not like a mature, sophisticated woman who had her shit together, I carried on talking.
“So I guess what I needed to tell you is that I’m over all that now. New leaf and everything you know? I had such an interesting conversation with Alex, and I think I had some real insights into things, and into, you know, the whole situation, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you, because my therapist says I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for the things I want, and what I really want is to be honest with you, and I feel like we’ve gotten on so well till now and so…”
“Maddy, we should stop seeing each other.”
His voice was like a kick to my guts.
“What? But why?”
He was perched against our same old sofa, the unassuming place where this all had started, and now he was telling me he wanted to end it. He couldn’t make eye contact.
“Zack, why? I don’t understand.” My sophisticated woman act was hanging on by a thread.
“Because I’m not good for you. You said so yourself, you’re scared of me,” he said, staring so hard at the floor I thought he’d burn holes into it.
“But …but…”
“It’s true though, isn’t it? And you should be scared. I’m fucking scary. I could hurt you. Maybe people like you and me never change. Maybe you keep going after guys who hurt you and I keep going after women who let me hurt them, and maybe that’ll never change.”
My ears stung. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. The makeup on my face suddenly seemed so embarrassing. So stupid and weak. I took a deep breath and tried to think. This was fixable. It had to be. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t want to break up, surely.
“You’re wrong, Zack. People can change. So you hit your ex once, so what, big deal. People hurt people in this world, but it’s OK to move on from that. You can’t beat yourself up about that forever.”
He sat still but I could tell his muscles were working and tightening under his tanned skin. I could almost make out the wires in his strong neck slowly ratcheting up. All at once I heard Alex’s voice in my head: the harder the guy on the outside, the softer on the inside. I wasn’t scared anymore. The air thrummed while I waited for him to say something, anything.
“There’s other stuff, Maddy. Stuff you don’t know about.”
“Like what?”
“What I did in Iraq. What we all did.” He still couldn’t bring his eyes up to meet mine. I smiled and took a step to him.
“God, Zack, I don’t care about that. You needed to do what you needed to do. Nobody blames you for that. It’s not your fault, I mean come on, it doesn’t mean we have to break up…”
“I did bad things, Maddy.” He was wringing his hands, left over right over left again, as though he was trying to wash away something stubborn, something that wouldn’t come off. I took another step towards him.
“That’s all in the past now,” I said softly.
“No. It isn’t. I see their faces every night in my dreams,” he said, voice choking.
It hadn’t been that long ago since we had lain down on that very sofa together, his strong, naked body seeming like the safest place in the world. He looked so much smaller to me now. I went over and sat on the sofa with him, as though being there would protect me somehow from all the things he was saying. I reached out and carefully put my hand on his back.
“It’s not your fault, Zack. I know you would never want to hurt anyone on purpose. Whatever it is you did over there, I’m sure it’s not like you enjoyed it or anything.”
“Didn’t I?”
I snapped my hand back as he shot me a vicious look. The stinging started up in my ears again, stirring up into a full-blown whine.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do I mean? What I fucking said!”
He sprung up and all at once he swung a long leg back and hurled it forward, kicking the coffee table and sending it tumbling into the corner. I screamed and jumped back, but he pinned me in place with one hard look, his eyes wild and his chest heaving.
“You like this?” he yelled. “Huh? Think this is something you can fix?”
Though I tried not to, I began to cry. Maybe he was right. There was nothing else for me. Nothing but to repeat this same sad, stupid story over and over again.
He was pacing aggressively up and down the living room now, wiping his face, spitting mad.
“Being there did something to me, Maddy. I’m not a good man…”
“Yes you are!” I cried, trying to convince myself more than him. Not a bad man, he had said, but a man. My head was spinning.
“Listen to me, Maddy. You want the truth? All of it? Here it is. I liked it. The …stuff that happened there, I can’t explain it. A part of me wanted it. A sick part. It changed me, Maddy.”
We stood together in silence for a moment, the coffee table a sad casualty, keeled over
to the side and everything that was on it splayed all across the floor. The world went dark for a moment. I stood dead still, mesmerized by his feet on the floor. Pacing up and down. Up and down. The fog in my head was clearing a little. Up and down. A part of me had wanted it to. All the pain. All the slapped skin and twisted wrists.
He took a deep breath and stared at me like he would pounce on me any second, then started pacing again.
“So we should break up. There’s no other way. Find a nice guy who won’t bring this sick shit into your life and take care of your animals and ju--”
“You let that bitch send you to jail because you felt guilty,” I said, cutting him off.
“What?”
“I get it now. I think I understand. You felt bad, for whatever it is that you did over there. Whatever awful thing you think you did, you came back and you were just looking for an excuse. And you didn’t fight her because you felt bad. You wanted to be punished.”
He stopped pacing.
“Don’t try to fix me, Maddy. It can’t be done,” he said in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
Some animals are like this. Abused dogs, especially, or animals that have been abandoned and left to fend for themselves. They curl their spines and bare their teeth and snap at anyone. But they especially snap at people who want to be kind to them.
“I don’t care about any of it, Zack. I like the things we do together. Even the …dark things.”
“You should dump me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then I’ll go,” he snapped and made for the door.
“You’re not going anywhere either,” I said firmly.
He looked at me.
“Then what? You like this?” he scoffed. ”You like having some big crazy out-of-control guy in your living room?”
And then, God help me, I did something that took all the strength I had left. I didn’t know how the fuck to be a put-together, sophisticated woman. I didn’t know how to pretend that I didn’t crave him, didn’t think about him. That I was fine on my own and didn’t need anyone. But I did know how to do something.
I took a step towards him.
I had nothing left. Being kind is the only weapon I’ve ever had, and it was the only thing I could now, to stop him from walking out of that door and leaving me forever.
