by Gabi Moore
No food.
The most intact elements of the whole mess were the clear bottles of vodka, so pretty …and so useless. I squinted out to sea to find evidence that anything else might have been washed up, but the view looked as peaceful and clear as the one painted on the vodka bottles.
With some luck, and further scratching around, I found a few packets of peanuts, a perfect bunch of grapes that on further examination was actually made of wax, and a few empty and crumpled plastic bottles. Vodka wasn’t the manliest of kills for a hunter to bring back to his tribe, but it was something. And the peanuts I’d give to Ellie.
I spent a good half hour searching for enough long strands of sea grass to fashion a sort of carrier for three of the bottles, combed the beach once more for food and then decided it was time to head back. The sun was already high enough in the sky that it was white and hurt to look at it.
Giving things a second thought, I cracked open a bottle and took a swig, wincing and then scowling at how a liquid so clear could feel so rough. I took another swig, then another. Hell, I wasn’t driving. My mission today had gone better than expected and I needed a little celebration. Some well-deserved stress relief, perhaps. After all, if a man can’t enjoy a little drink after a life-threatening disaster, when can he? Before I knew it, I had thrown back a quarter of the bottle.
I didn’t know why I was doing it; I just knew that there was no clear reason not to. A few moments into my little spasm of rebelliousness and I felt dizzy and sick. I plonked the bottle bank on the sand and waited for the horizon to stop wiggling before my eyes. I decided I wouldn’t go back through the forest after all. There really wasn’t any food back through there, much as I hated to admit it, and since I was on such a good roll, I might find even more treasure if I kept going.
I’d trace back along the coast line and eventually I’d have to land back up where I started. We were on an island, it made total sense. Perhaps the gods would throw me another strange blessing on the way. I chuckled to myself as I imagined myself stumbling next on a new bottle of fancy vermouth and a can of olives. Maybe Todd would bring everyone some stinking mussels, but what if yours truly pitched up with vodka martinis? I laughed a little to myself but felt sad all of a sudden and then stopped.
I hoisted the clinking bottles higher up my shoulder, bags of peanuts stuffed in my pockets, and walked briskly over the hot sand. I could come back later and see if anything else was washed up. I could empty these bottles and use them to gather the water I’d found. First, though, I had to see Ellie. I had something I wanted to give her.
Well, maybe I had two things I wanted to give her.
Chapter 15 - Todd
Under the silent water, things felt so much calmer. I took another big gulp, threw myself under and kicked hard to propel myself to the sea floor, where I knew there were edible treasures if I could just coax my eyes to stay open long enough to see them. Breath held, I scrambled my hands around and rattled through shells and mollusks of all kinds. Swiftly grabbing a handful of snails and paddling fiercely with the other arm, I floated upwards with ease, my chest filled to bursting with air and my head breaking the water’s surface, bringing me out into the sparkling sunshine.
I paddled over to the rocks, deposited my haul into the pile I’d already gathered, and pushed off to go for another lunge. The sun was so bright it was nearly blinding, my muscles felt strong and lithe and perfectly under my control, and the air twinkled around me clean and sweet, like it was a sheer miracle to gulp in huge lungs full of it and descend into that perfect blue.
I left the others this morning with a heavy heart. But this simple task of diving, hunting out little edible creatures and collecting them soon had me forgetting about it all.
It was just me, my free, easy limbs and blue, blue, blue all around. I was in my element. Content and carefree as an otter. This is why I had wanted to join the navy in the first place. I’m not a smart guy. Some might say I have a lousy work ethic and too little ambition. But what else was a man designed to do, but this right here? To use his body to its full extent, to stretch and swim and pull and leap and dive?
It made me happy. And it was a simple, honest happiness, one I could feel running all through my whole body, right to the tips of my toes.
I descended into the water again but came up this time empty handed. It was an opportunity for a break. I shook the water from my hair, and pulled myself up out of the water and onto the jagged island of rocks. I perched on my haunches and offered my bare back to the sun so it could dry the drops off my skin. I couldn’t make out anyone on the shore of the main island, and for a moment, I enjoyed pretending it was just me out here, the last man alive, surviving on nothing but my wits and what breath I could hold in my lungs at one time.
The bounty of mussels I’d already gathered plus the snails, a single bright orange crab and two little fish I’d managed to catch would be more than enough to feed everyone for today. And it was protein, too. It would keep up going and strong. And it would help Ellie’s wound heal faster.
A splashing sound had me turning around to see what was approaching me.
Charlie.
I stood and looked down as she swam over from some distant place on the shore, breast stroking casually and then hopping up onto the rocks with me.
“I told you to give me another day,” I said drily, trying not to look at her. The spell had been broken and my bad mood was returning. She took her time squeezing the water out of her long braids, then came over to examine my haul, tapping the mussel shells with a curious foot.
“Waiting an extra day wasn’t part of the deal.”
“I’m not haggling over terms with you. Jesus,” I said under my breath.
She shrugged.
“Looks like you found quite a bit,” she said. I purposefully avoided eye contact.
“If possible, I’ll go back in again and get even more. We needed every last scrap we can manage.”
“We sure can. Ellie’s foot is basically hanging on by a thread, isn’t it?” she said, more than a little flippant in her tone.
Perhaps she couldn’t understand being kind to someone without expecting anything in return, but I didn’t care. I wanted to help Ellie regardless of all the other stuff.
She chuckled a little to herself and nudged one of the mussels with her big toe. I was halfway climbing back into the cool water but shot her a hard look. Something about being on this island was making everyone a caricature of themselves. As though, because there was so little to look at out here, so little to do, we all had turned inwards and become magnified versions of our most striking features. It was early days but we had all broken and fractured just the same as the ship that night, and now we were just people-fragments now, getting worn by the sea and quickly turning strange. The couple were playing out some cheesy Blue Lagoon adventure all by themselves, I had devolved into a sea mammal …and Charlie had become a full-blown psychopath, no question about it.
“If you want to help, you can start by lugging all of that back to the shore. I’ll be over there in a second,” I said and made as if to dunk myself under again.
“Todd, wait,” she said and crouched down.
“What?”
“Do you remember what you said? That night?”
She was squatting low on her haunches, one wet braid hanging down on either side of her angular face and her tight belly crunched up into a dozen narrow rolls.
“What night?”
“You know what I mean, Todd. Our night together.”
I sighed.
“That was a long time ago.”
“So? I still remember it clearly. I remember what you said.”
I looked up at her, the combination of sun and salt begin to seriously aggravate my eyes.
“Oh? Well I’m sure I’ve said a lot of shit in my life…”
“You said you loved me,” she blurted.
“What?”
She rocked backwards and forwards on her feet, the d
amp ends of her braids swinging like the dark tips of paintbrushes.
“Don’t pretend you don’t remember…”
I swallowed hard and briefly considered just swimming away from her now as fast I could.
“I never said that to you, don’t be--”
“Oh, you said it all right,” she said and rocked forward a little, looking down at me as I floated beneath her in the water. “And you meant it, too. I could see it in your eyes.”
For a fleeting second, my mind raced off to a possible future scenario with this woman. Would she just lose her mind and murder everyone? I as beginning to have trouble understanding what her motivations even were anymore. Besides, what she was saying was ludicrous.
“I don’t have time for this shit,” I said and pushed off the rocks.
“Why do you keep resisting me, Todd? What are you so afraid of anyway?”
I tread the water for a moment, suspended in the blue and hating her for coming out here and ruining my special moment, for pulling me again into a drama I don’t ever remember agreeing to take part in.
“You know, Charlie, I’m getting real tired of all this. You’re making stuff up. I never--”
“Look at how embarrassed you are!” she laughed.
It was true. The inconvenient fact was that I didn’t remember what happened that night. Not really. She had been my first, that much I knew. But the rest I couldn’t remember at all. It was just a regrettable, humiliating mistake, but one I had never imagined would follow me for years.
At the time the embarrassment of being sexually inexperienced had proved too much. Charlie was always around, always hinting and pressing, and so she seemed like the natural option at the time. Had I known that she would sink her crazy hooks into me and never let go, I would have gladly stayed a virgin.
“Whatever I said, it’s in the past now,” I said and ducked under the water again. But when I emerged again with one more small snail, she was still crouching there, still watching me.
“You know, I remember, you made these little girly noises when you came, it was so adorable,” she said matter-of-factly.
I pulled myself out of the water and stood dripping next to her, forcing her to shift over on her haunches. I didn’t have the energy to be angry any more. I tried to push past her but she stood in my way. She rose up tall, and positioned herself right in front of me, an inch from my face, daring me to do something although I couldn’t imagine what. But as sorry as I felt for her, I wasn’t going to let her get a rise out of me. She smiled sweetly.
“Fine, Todd, you have one more day. But consider this. For the rest of your life, I might be the last woman you ever get to fuck,” she said, speaking slowly and with such a nasty edge it felt like each word was an obscenity. She leaned in, so close I could feel the heat off her body. She looked up to me, lips parted, and for a split second, I wondered if it was worth drawing out her little drama. Giving this insane woman what she wanted was nothing but repulsive to me, but it would get me access to the boat. The same boat that would get both Ellie and I off of this godforsaken island.
The moment froze around us as I wondered if she had the audacity to try and kiss me. But she smiled, brushed past me and then froze in her tracks.
I looked to see what had caught her eye.
It was Ellie, standing on the far end of the rocks, still wet from swimming and daintily carrying her wounded leg behind her. She stopped and stared at Charlie and I with a face that looked like it had just been slapped. Charlie turned to give me one last smirking glance, looked at Ellie and then paced off to the other edge of the rocks. She took one graceful, arcing dive into the water, made a splash and then began swimming back to the main island.
Ellie was pale and stammering, trying to say something.
“I… I didn’t mean to interrupt you both, I didn’t know …I’m so sorry,” she mumbled and turned around to hobble back into the water.
“Ellie, wait.”
I ran over to her and grabbed both her arms. She seemed surprised by this, staring down at the place my hands touched her cool, wet skin. She looked so white.
“What are you even doing out here? Your foot…”
“My foot is fine,” she said decisively, but I looked down to see that she had shed some of her old bandages and now the raw, exposed gash was visible and far worse than I first imagined. I instantly knelt down to look at it. I was worried about gangrene. Worried about some parasite getting in there and killing her within hours.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that. It looks worse than it is… Besides I think the seawater’s good for it. I came out here to help you carry the mussels, since I can still swim pretty well.”
I stood again and noticed there were tears welling in her eyes.
“Ellie, are you OK?” I said and touched her shoulder again.
I don’t know how exactly it happened, but in one smooth, easy movement she took a step towards me and flung herself in my arms, squeezing me tightly. I pulled her back and searched her face.
“Ellie, we shouldn’t--”
She came to me again and this time her lips went to mine, and not one atom in me could resist them.
It wasn’t a kiss so much as a melting; a surrender to what we had started with that first secret kiss we shared on the ship this great ocean had swallowed whole a lifetime ago. It was as though all the time that had passed since we had first done this just disappeared, and the watery world around us now shrunk into nothing, just a minor footnote compared to the whole universe which now consisted only of her fluttering breath, and her sweet, juicy lips. It was almost disturbing how the movements of her tongue against mine seemed to stir something wild inside me.
Her hands anchored against my bare chest and I felt her relax her weight against me. Her lips were still wet and salty with sea water. Her hair fell in damp coils on her breasts and pressed against my skin, sending a shockwave of goosebumps all across me. Gently, tentatively, I placed a curious hand at her hip bone and rested it there.
Everything from our old lives had been obliterated. But we were still alive. We still had air in our lungs and blood in our veins. Her warm body was still pulsing with life, and so was mine. We had nothing left. But there was something we did have, right now in this moment.
Desire.
Raw, burning lust that started down low and crackled all through the body like a fever. She made it all seem possible. She made this entire nasty game of survival actually mean something. Her hip felt like a promised land under my fingertips. I didn’t care about protein or water or shelter.
I wanted her.
I wanted her so badly I felt in that moment that she was what I had really been starving for all along.
I pulled her towards me and kissed her deeply again, my tongue earnest and delicate, desperate to taste all of her, desperate to feel if the hunger was mutual. Breathless, our kiss came to a natural pause and she pulled back to gaze at me, her eyelashes still sprinkled with tears.
“I feel so stupid about all of this. I mean, I barely even know you Todd…”
“Shhh… it’s OK.”
I swallowed hard and smoothed away the wet tendrils of hair. I hated seeing that kink in her brow. Her foot was probably infected and maybe she was just delirious, just in shock and not thinking clearly. I had no idea. I just wanted her to kiss me again.
“Anthony and I can’t be together anymore,” she said plainly.
His name snapped me to attention. I didn’t know what to say.
“You …I don’t know what this is, between us. But I know I can’t be with him anymore. After the ship wreck it was like something changed in me. I can’t explain it. Like when we were in that storeroom, and I thought we were going to die for sure, I just kept on thinking, was that all I had done with my life? Was that who I had decided to be with, in the end? It seemed all wrong.”
Except for the waves tossing and splashing quietly around us, everything was silent.
“Ellie, I don’t know w
hat’s going to happen here. I don’t know if any of us are going to make it off this island, or if they’ll send help …I just don’t know. I understand you’re scared and upset, but don’t make any big decisions you may regret…”
She shook her head rapidly.
“No, I know what you’re thinking, but I know I’m right. I see things clearly now for the first time in years. Anthony is a wonderful man. He really is. He’s just …he’s not for me.”
A full wave crashed into the rocks beneath us and broke into a fine spray around us both. I could see that Charlie had long gone and I could make out nobody else on the shoreline.
We were alone. For the first time since the storm struck and everything changed forever, we were alone together. Just her, and I. Her body, and my body.
I wanted to grab her right then and take her on these rocks before I lost my nerve. I wanted to kiss her again, and never stop kissing her, and just release and see where it was that our desire really wanted to take us. She was so beautiful. Her body was an island all on its own, and my real shipwreck had been staring for the first time into those eyes and losing my moorings forever.
She was wild and uninhabited, beautiful but frightening, an unknown world that I couldn’t claim, but only visit and hope to survive. I wanted to tear off these last stupid shreds of clothing from both of us and face one another honestly. The truth was I didn’t know her that well either. But I felt her. I saw her. What would it matter, if I had met her in the real world and dated her and spent years and years learning about all the pointless shit that clogs up life, like what brand of coffee she preferred or what TV shows she liked as a kid? How could any of that possibly compare to what I felt right now, and could see right now?
She stared back at me sincerely, her salt and pepper hair windswept and joyful as the sea itself, and her eyes open and clear to mine.
“Have you told him all this?” I said quietly. She was still in my arms, still pressing close to me. She looked away and didn’t answer.
“Ellie …I can’t interfere in your life.”
She sighed and pulled back a little.
