by Bay, Louise
“Hey, don’t say that. We just need to make a bit more of an effort with each other sometimes. We’ve been together a long time and we are figuring out how to be together forever.”
“You are too lovely, Leah. I really don’t deserve you.”
I felt so ashamed. If only he knew. I really didn’t deserve him. I may not have had sex with another man, but I couldn’t fool myself: I had been fooling around behind Charlie’s back. I was also having serious doubts about our relationship and hadn’t discussed them with him like he deserved. Maybe I should tell him that I had doubts, tell him I caught up with an old school friend. Clear the air properly.
Something about his reaction, his tears, made me think that maybe he wanted to say something, too. If he knew about Daniel, surely he would say something. In any event, it wasn’t like Daniel and I had fully consummated our feelings for each other. We had come pretty close, but now that we were done, I had no intention of seeing him again. I would have to make some excuse to not work on the Palmerston deal if our pitch ended up winning. What would I say to David?
“Leah?” Charlie pulled out of my arms.
“Yes?”
He didn’t respond.
“Charlie, what? Talk to me.” He rubbed his face with both hands and then pecked me on the cheek.
“Nothing, I love you. Let’s get in our jammies and order takeout and watch a comedy on TV.”
I giggled. “That sounds perfect.” I was relieved he didn’t want to have sex to reconnect. Not tonight.
***
As I opened my eyes the following morning, I smiled. Last evening was lovely, making each other laugh and talking. Talking about the minutiae of work colleagues and deals we were working on. He told me how last week he found one of the trainees drunk in the office leaving offensive voicemails for all the partners. He arranged for them to be deleted and sent the guy home and covered for him. I told him how I was getting more involved with pitches and presentations for work.
For the first time in a long time. I remembered why I loved him and why I said ‘yes’ when he asked me to marry him. Why I had waited and wanted for so long for him to ask me. I felt like a weight was lifted from me. I thought we would never get back here.
I turned over and reached out to him, cupped his face. With his eyes closed, he pulled me toward him and pushed my nightdress up my body.
I was late for work.
I arrived at the office beaming. I felt fantastic. I was wearing my favorite work outfit—an electric-blue wrap dress that clung in all the right places and patent black platforms. The sun was out in full force, which always improved my mood, and London’s skyline was beautiful against its clear blue backdrop.
“What the hell happened to you?” Brendan barked as I logged on to my desk.
“What?”
“Oh my god. You look like you just had sex with Ryan Gosling, which I presume you didn’t, so why are you so bloody happy?”
“Brendan, you are outrageous. I can categorically confess that I have not had sex with Ryan Gosling. I’m just in a good mood! Shoot me!”
“I may well do that unless you tone it down. You’re at work! Don’t make me feel worse about being stuck in the office on this beautiful day.”
I swiped him ‘round the head and went to talk to Deb. I avoided turning on my phone and checking my Gmail. I hoped that Daniel hadn’t contacted me, but I was doubtful. And I wasn’t quite willing to break the spell of my good mood just yet—denial felt like the best option for now.
My desk phone seemed to be ringing non-stop all morning, but I was juggling it all and still managed to make progress on the contract I was working on, so things felt good. The phone rang again and I answered absentmindedly, trying to proofread the email I had just typed at the same time.
“Hello, Leah speaking.”
“So, you are still alive, that’s good to know.”
I was caught unprepared and didn’t know what to say. I was at work; I had to control my emotions in a way I hadn’t done in Daniel’s office yesterday. Like a deer in the headlights, I just froze.
“I need to explain, Leah. Please meet me tonight. Let me take you to dinner.”
“No, I’m having dinner with my fiancé.”
“OK, I get it, Leah. But I need to explain. Over the phone with you in the office is not appropriate. Please, come to my office after work tonight before you go home?”
“What do you need to explain? There’s nothing to say. Nothing.” I leant into the phone, my voice a whisper. I didn’t need the whole office gossiping about me.
“Leah, I completely understand you are upset with me and you never have to see me again after tonight. I promise I will never contact you again after today if you don’t want me to. But you need to listen to my explanation. I have your best interests at heart, believe me. Just give me thirty minutes this evening.”
“I have no interest in your explanation. There is no need for any explanation—but to stop you contacting me again you can have twenty minutes. I’ll be there at seven. After that, I never want to hear from you again. Agreed?”
“Agreed. I’ll see you then, Leah.” Was I being a complete bitch? I put the phone down and grabbed my wallet and jacket. I needed some fresh air and a caffeine hit.
I didn’t understand what he needed to explain so badly. I didn’t really hold anything against him. He had been rude about Charlie, but that was fairly understandable in the circumstances. I had been leading him on and I hadn’t been fair on him. I owed him an apology, really. He wasn’t committed to someone else like I was. Well, at least I would have the opportunity to apologize, and hopefully we would be able to part amicably.
***
I was nervous entering the reception area at Gematria Enterprises, partly because I was worried what people in his office must think about me and why I would need so much of the CEO’s time. But also, I was fully aware of the effect Daniel’s physical presence had on me. I needed to be in control, to ignore my undeniable attraction to him. I was quickly shown to his office by the receptionist.
“He’s on the phone, but he said for you to go in. He won’t be long.”
“Oh, OK.” I looked at my watch. I had told him 20 minutes. It was just past 7. I took a deep breath and pushed open the heavy walnut door. Before I even saw Daniel at his desk I felt him—that thickness in the air was still there despite things being difficult between us.
He looked up from his desk and smiled. He was so incredibly handsome, there was no denying that. His inky black hair looked a bit less sleek than usual, but no less sexy, and that masculine smell seemed to cling to every molecule in the room. His jacket hung on the back of the door and his shirt sleeves were rolled up, displaying his muscular arms.
I shouldn’t have agreed to meet him like this. It was too dangerous. I should have suggested going for coffee, but I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew and have to explain myself. I grabbed one of the chairs at the conference table in the middle of the room to avoid the sofa. Good. We would have a desk between us.
“Look, I’ll leave it up to you. I have another meeting now and I can’t spend any more time on this,” Daniel barked into the phone and hung up.
Daniel took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, creating more order in the inky blackness. He pushed himself away from his desk and stood. His body seemed to be taking up the entire room; it was the only thing I could see. As he brought his eyes to meet mine, I looked at the floor.
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting, Leah. Thank you for coming.”
Without waiting for me to respond he took some keys out of his pocket and crossed the room to unlock a cabinet. I watched in silence. He removed a large envelope and carefully locked the cabinet, then came across to the conference table. He took a seat across from me, placed the envelope on the table, and laid both hands over the top of it. I was grateful for the distance.
“Leah, you were upset yesterday and I took advantage of you, and I am sorry for
that. I seem to lose control of myself around you. And I know that you were annoyed at me for what I said about your boyfriend.”
“My fiancé,” I mumbled
“I know we have only been reacquainted recently, but the depths of my feelings for you are something I’ve never experienced before—”
“Daniel.”
“Please let me finish. What I want to say, and am not saying very well, is that what I feel for you is so different from anything else I’ve ever felt in my life—I want to possess you, know every inch of you, body and soul. I need to have you permanently naked in my bed. This feeling makes me lose all control. But more than that, I have to have you safe, and I have to have you happy with someone you love and you deserve …”
No man had been so open about his feelings about me. In fact, I wasn’t sure any man had ever had such feelings for me. It took every ounce of control to stop myself from going to him and cupping his face in my hands.
“… and I understand, although I can’t bear it, that that person might not be me.”
So he had been listening to what I was saying.
“I want you to know that this is not about me having you, despite me wanting you.”
“What are you saying, Daniel? I don’t understand.”
“I also understand that, after I show you what I’m going to show you, you may hate me, and although I can’t bear that thought, I believe that leaving you ignorant would be worse for you. You are more important.”
“You’re scaring me, Daniel. What are you saying?” My heart thumped in my chest.
Daniel took another deep breath. “You know I told you I did my due diligence on people that I have dinner with?”
“Err, yes, you go professional stalker on people. Where are you going with this, Daniel? Please, just tell me what you want to tell me.”
“Well, my due diligence on you extended to Charlie.” He pushed the envelope in front of him toward me.
I jumped to my feet as if the envelope was on fire. “What is it? What’s in there?”
“You need to see, Leah. Open it.”
Time shifted into slow motion as I picked up the envelope and slid my fingers underneath the seal. I pulled out the contents: photographs.
Daniel looked pained when I caught him glancing at me. He put his head in his hands.
I didn’t understand what I was looking at at first. The pictures were of Charlie going to and from work. They looked like they had been taken with a zoom lens: close-up photos, but he was clearly unaware that he was being captured.
Then I saw similar pictures of Fran leaving her office. Was Daniel carrying out surveillance on all my friends? What was going on? The next was of Fran and Charlie. That was odd. They didn’t know each other that well. Had they bumped into each other in the park they were sitting in? Her hand was on his arm and his hand was on her back and … oh god, surely not.
I skipped to the next picture. It was taken at night. A professional couple, both in dark suits—but what they were doing was far from professional. He had pinned her against a wall with his body and they were kissing passionately. The next one was the same scene but from a different angle, and again, and another and another.
Unmistakably, the couple I was looking at was Fran and Charlie. I tried to rationalize it: Maybe it was before I met them. But Charlie’s tie was one his mother bought him last Christmas. I didn’t need to see more. The photos spilled out onto the floor and sprinkled like confetti.
I stared after them as the extent of my fiancé’s affair surrounded me. I couldn’t pull my eyes away; the pictures seemed endless, taken on different days, in various points in their passion, all over the city. There were several of the two of them going into her flat at night and coming out during daylight hours.
I was going to fall. My arms, like lead, refused to steady me and I gave into it, almost wanting the pain of hitting the floor to wake me from this slow-motion nightmare.
The pain never came. And then there were arms around me, and I was upright though I made no effort to try to stand. My whole body was just limp, and Daniel scooped me from my half-standing, half-falling position and carried me to the sofa. He went to move away and I grabbed his hand and pulled him back.
“Don’t leave me,” I whispered.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said quietly.
I didn’t understand what I was feeling—numb, I suppose, like I wasn’t really there, like I was just watching myself. My cheeks were dry, I wasn’t crying. I just found out my fiancé was cheating on me with a close friend of mine and I wasn’t crying. I felt no pain, no loss. Maybe this was what shock felt like. All I was aware of were Daniel’s arms around me. His strong hand stroking my shoulder, his mouth pressed to my temple, and that delicious scent of his enveloping me.
My numbness made way for the beginnings of my arousal. The feeling was unmistakable, but I tried to ignore it. It seemed so inappropriate. But it wasn’t anymore, was it? There was no longer any reason for me to deny what I felt for Daniel. I was free to give in to it, to give in to him.
I placed my hand just above his knee. The hand stroking my shoulder paused for a second and then continued its rhythm. I moved my hand up his thigh and up to his waist and his powerful chest and he exhaled. His hand continued its rhythm and he pulled me closer. I trailed my fingers down his chest, tracing the hard outline of his muscular chest down to the waist of his trousers and I ran my hands across the top of the waistband. I could see his desire for me increase as his trousers became more taut, and I was suddenly desperate to uncover him.
Charlie might not want me, but I was in the arms of a man who did. He’d told me so. Emboldened, I brought my hand to his face and turned my head so our foreheads were touching. He closed his eyes and sighed but made no move to kiss me. His hand moved down, circling the dip in my lower back. My nipples strained against the confines of my bra and my breath came in shallow bursts.
I was aware of the slickness between my legs. I was ready for him so quickly; he had such an unrelenting impact on me. I wanted to him to feel it, feel the effect he had on me. I brought his hand from around my back between us and placed it over my breast, rubbing it over my hardened nipple and he buried his head in my neck.
“You feel so good, Leah. You are such a sexy girl. You get me hard just looking at me.”
I reached my hand down to his hardness. “It feels so good that I do that to you.” I never felt comfortable saying what I was feeling during intimate moments, but now it was like I didn’t have a choice. I wanted him and I wanted him to know it.
“Are you wet for me, baby?” he growled. The coarseness of his words combined with the sweetness of him calling me baby sent a jolt of desire through me and, unable to contain myself, I moaned and pushed myself against his mouth, delving into him with my tongue. He returned my enthusiasm as we devoured each other, pushing harder and deeper, exploring every part of each other’s mouths. His slight stubble from the day grazed my chin over and over, like he was marking his territory. It felt so masculine, so virile, so him. My clit was throbbing. I was desperate for his touch to relieve the ache. Without breaking our kiss I drew myself up and straddled him.
He cried out, “Oh god, Leah, I want you so much.” He grasped my buttocks and pulled me into him as I reached behind his head and tangled my fingers into the inky smoothness of his hair. I reached down to his zipper, and, my hands shaking with anticipation, I fumbled to find the opening.
Sharply he brought his arms around, clasped my shoulders, and pushed me away. “No, Leah, no. Not here. Not like this.” He moved me off him and stood up.
I was left stunned as he stalked over to his desk.
Facing away from me he shouted, “Fuck!” in a deep, angry voice. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He kicked the desk, sending papers flying onto the floor as he thrust his hands through his hair.
Then my tears started falling. I wasn’t sure if it was the shock of finding out that Charlie had cheated with Fran or the humiliat
ion of being rejected by the beautiful man I had just thrown myself at, but the floodgates opened and saltwater was streaming down my face.
“Fuck, I am such an asshole. What the fuck is the matter with me!” Daniel howled at the moon but he had stopped kicking the furniture.
I stood up, desperate to get out of that room, to be away from my embarrassment. Why did I assume he still wanted me when I couldn’t keep a man interested even a few weeks into our engagement? I forced myself to halt my tears and gathered up my jacket and handbag, then looked around to see if there was anything I had forgotten. I didn’t want to have to return.
“What are you doing?” Daniel stood up and came toward me.
“I’ve got to go. I’ve embarrassed myself. I need to leave.”
“What do you mean you’ve embarrassed yourself? Why would you feel that? Leah, look at me.” He reached out for my arm but I twisted my body away from his.
Without looking at him, I repeated, “I need to go.”
“I’m so sorry for being such an asshole, Leah. Look at m—”
“Please, enough,” I interrupted. I turned to the door just as I felt my heart rip in two. I forced myself onward and fled for the elevator.
Thankfully the reception area was deserted and there was no one to witness my physical and emotional disarray. Exiting the elevator, I made toward the exit when I heard my name called.
“Leah, Mr. Armitage has asked me to drive you to your destination. Would you please follow me?”
Disoriented and with no energy left to argue, I followed the smartly dressed man outside. The fresh air hit my lungs and nausea hit me like a truck. Where was I going? I couldn’t face Charlie. I mumbled Anna’s address at the driver and collapsed into the back seat.
The drive to Anna’s takes forty minutes at least, but I had no memory of the journey and suddenly we arrived. Did I sleep? Anna was in her doorway as we pulled up. Had I called her to tell her I was coming? My head was spinning and the nausea hadn’t lessened. Anna came over to the car and opened the door.
