by Bay, Louise
“Ok.” He grinned.
“Get out of here, loser.” I giggled. He was pretty and funny. Bloody hell. He should share some of it with others. Why did it end up concentrated in just one guy?
True to his word, Joel picked me up and walked me to the library the next morning, and then walked me home that evening. The next day was the same. And just like that we were in each other’s lives.
Our conversation was restricted to the walks to and from the library at first, but then we started to take lunch together and then the odd break. Pretty quickly, Joel was the person I spent the most time with out of all the friends I had at University, including the roommates I lived with. More than that, he was the one I wanted to spend every waking moment with. As well as being great eye candy and making me laugh all the time, he was kind and thoughtful. Not just to me, but also to everyone he came across.
After that second day together in the library, I never bothered pretending to look for a desk on the first floor. I just went to our desk on the third floor. Of course, library study was interrupted by lectures and tutorials, but the first day that Joel and I went to the library separately, I wandered up to our desk and found a jacket on the chair opposite and a couple of books on the desk. My heart sank. He had a new desk mate.
“Hey, Ava,” Joel said in a loud whisper.
“Hey.” I faked a smile.
“How were lectures?”
“Good. Hard but good.”
“Ok. You’d better sit down and study, then.” God, I was interrupting him. How embarrassing.
“Yes, thanks Dad. I’m going to find a free desk.”
“But I saved your spot.” He’d saved me a seat. He’d saved me a seat! I really shouldn’t have been so excited.
“Ok, thanks.”
“Ok, you’re welcome.” He grinned his gorgeous grin at me.
“Ok, you loser.” I couldn’t help but grin back.
I pulled out my papers and laptop and got to work. About an hour into things, my concentration was beginning to waver and my imagination started to wander across the desk. I wondered what he was like in lectures. Did he sit at the front with his hand up all the time, or was he at the back ignoring the lecturer and flirting with whatever girl was next to him? A scrunched up ball of paper hitting my keyboard pulled me back into reality. I looked up and Joel was grinning at me. He nodded his head in the direction of the bookshelves next to him.
“What?” I mouthed. Joel just nodded his head more vigorously. I strained my head but I could see anything. “What?” I mouthed again. “Come here,” he mouthed back. I pushed my chair away from my desk and walked around our table toward him with my back to where he was nodding. What was he pointing to? Why was he being so cagey? He patted his desk and I leaned against his desk, my fingers gripping the wood either side of me. “What?” I mouthed again. He made a come here motion with his finger so I bent forward. Wow, he smelled good.
“Some people have more of a physical approach to studying than we do. Look to your right,” Joel whispered.
As subtly as I could I turned my head and through the books I saw a very amorous couple who clearly thought they were better hidden than they were. They were kissing fervently, as if any moment they would be pulled apart and would never see each other again, their hands desperately running across each other’s bodies, feeling each other’s contours through their clothes. I couldn’t pull my eyes away.
“You like to watch,” Joel whispered. It wasn’t a question.
He was so close to me that my skin prickled at his breath on my neck. In that moment, all I wanted was for Joel to kiss me like the guy I was watching was kissing his girl. My heart pounded and I was conscious of my skin tightening across my body.
“Oh my,” I finally managed. “I guess it’s a good way to blow off steam for them. Like, stress relief or something.” I was scrambling for words.
“Wanna give it a try?” My head flicked back to Joel, whose eyes were twinkling at me.
“Don’t you twinkle at me, Joel Wentworth.” I faked a dose of haughtiness and went back to my seat.
“What? I’m just thinking about your stress levels.”
“Ok, well thanks for the offer.”
“Ok, well anytime.” He raised his eyebrows and gave me that ridiculously handsome grin.
Oh my was right. I put my head down and did a great impression of someone studying extraordinarily hard. There was no ambiguity. Joel was flirting with me, and furthermore, I was enjoying him flirting with me. I had to remind myself that Joel couldn’t help but flirt. He was genetically programmed to spread his charm and good looks around. I had to become impervious to his charms. It wasn’t personal; it was just Joel.
***
Present
Now Joel was coming back. No doubt he hadn’t lost any of his charm or good looks. I had spent the last eight years working hard to put my career front and center in my life, dodging any personal complications. I could control my career—the harder I worked, the more success I had. It balanced out the fact that I didn’t have anyone special in my life. Of course, I’d tried; in the beginning, I’d been on a few dates. But my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted Joel; I was in love with Joel, and no one else quite measured up. Adam provided my male company and came along to black tie events and dinners when I needed a plus one. I managed to piece together a reality that worked for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t in love—I was. It was just that my love just wasn’t in my life. Love hadn’t been enough.
The thought of coming face to face with Joel brought the realization that my reality was twisted. It was eight years since I had had any contact with him, but I still thought of Joel as being with me because he was with me in my head and in my heart. I still had conversations with him in my head. I still smiled when I saw people PDAing because I knew it would make Joel smile. I still followed his progress avidly, either from snippets from Adam or Matt or whatever my Google alert threw out. It was as if we were having a long distance relationship, but I was the only participant.
On July 10, 2006, Joel left for New York and I’d never seen him again. Never even spoken to him. I don’t know if I’d expected him to come back before now. I suppose I had. I had assumed there would be some sort of resolution between us. Either he would come back, forgive me, declare that he couldn’t be without me, and we would live happily ever after—or I would fall out of love with him. Neither happened, but I still kept waiting.
Of course, he had come back to London to visit, on work trips from what I could make out, but I’d always managed to be busy or away, and because no one knew about Joel and me, no one said anything. Now he would be back for good and I wouldn’t be able to dodge him. My brain, which I’d managed to trick into thinking I was happy, thinking I could live with a one-sided long-distance relationship, was faced with reality. Shit. I needed Jules’s help. I needed to date, get a boyfriend. Something.
Panic flooded through me, and when I was panicked, there was only one thing to do. Take positive action. I was good in a crisis and I was going to have to be.
“Jules, hi. So, I need your help.”
“Anything. What I can do for you?”
“So, you know you’re on those Internet dating sites.”
“Oh. My. God. I’ve finally broken you, haven’t I?” Jules screamed. She was always begging me to start Internet dating. “You know it’s the only way to meet someone in London. This is going to be great.”
“I haven’t even said anything yet.”
“I can hear the resignation in your voice.”
“Ok, so will you help me put myself online, or whatever I have to do?”
“I so will. Tomorrow night. You bring the wine, I’ll bring my laptop. This is going to be so much fun.”
“Fine, whatever. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell Adam.” I didn’t want Adam to know because I didn’t want him to tell Joel. I didn’t want Joel to think that I was some sad spinster that couldn’t get a date.
“Because you
two are having a secret affair?”
“Because he will tease the shit out of me. Please Jules.” I was whining. I irritated myself when I whined.
“Fine. Whatever. No need to get your knickers in a twist.”
I put down the phone and immediately felt sick. Christ. I was going to have to get over him before he got over here.
