The rest—well, if she turned out to be pregnant she would just have to deal with it later. She could only handle one emotional crisis at the moment. Jim hadn’t asked any questions about birth control today, and she hadn’t volunteered any information. She’d have to repeat the test in a few weeks again because of today.
What an awful woman she was turning into, Lauren decided, throwing an arm across burning eyes.
When the coldness in the room raised chill bumps on her naked body, Lauren removed the arm from her face and reached to the top of the bed to drag a blanket down around her. She wrapped it around her body, trying to think of what she was going to say when Jim came out of the bathroom.
Lauren admitted to herself that she had panicked when Jim had slid inside her so deliberately, inch by delicious inch. She had gotten everything she wanted from Jim, but hadn’t been able to enjoy it. So instead, she’d taken his lovemaking and reduced what they had to just mutually accommodating sex.
She accused Jim of holding back, when she had been doing the same thing herself. She had made love to him with her body, but had refused him access to her heart.
*** *** ***
When Jim came out of the bathroom, Lauren was wrapped in a white blanket and sitting on the bed. He walked over to pick up his clothes from the floor, and started to get dressed. When she sniffled, Jim swore and dropped his jeans. He couldn’t leave Lauren crying over what had happened between them.
Still naked, Jim walked over to the bed. “You sharing or letting me freeze?”
She opened one corner of her large cover, and pulled the bulk of it from beneath her to make a spot for him. Jim climbed in beside her, appreciating her warmth, and took his time wrapping the cover back snugly around both of them. Thank goodness for king size, he thought, smiling.
His time in the bathroom had been the cool down he’d needed to start thinking clearly again. He didn’t know what he’d done to upset her so much, but Lauren wasn’t the kind of person to strike out without provocation.
Jim kissed the top of Lauren’s head, taking the first step toward righting things between them. His heart melted when she turned into his arms and buried herself against him, her body apologizing more profoundly than words. Jim gathered a weeping Lauren to him, grateful for a woman who felt like his equal in just about every way, including her passionate nature and mean temper.
“I’m sorry for being such a bitch,” Lauren said finally, voice trembling. She used the blanket to try to catch the non-stop tears, grimacing when she saw her mascara on it. “Great. Waterproof mascara that isn’t waterproof. I’ve probably ruined this cover.”
“Are you going to make me guess all night or just tell me why you decided to ruin our first time together?” Jim asked.
Lauren sniffed. Just say it, she ordered herself.
“It might have been your first time, but it wasn’t mine,” she told him at last.
Jim looked at her in disbelief. “You counting dreams or something?”
“No. It was very real,” Lauren confessed, saying the words baldly. “I didn’t stop you.”
Jim was quiet and still as he absorbed what she was saying.
“Are you telling me that when you came to my room at the hotel, we—you—? Why don’t you just tell me what happened?” he asked regretfully.
“I know I should have stopped you, Jim—but I didn’t. You were determined and literally ripped the clothes right off me. One minute I was actually laughing and yelling stop, then the next,” she paused, looking for words, “the next minute your mouth was on me sending me soaring. Before I recovered from your mouth on me, you were inside me with a single stroke. I had two orgasms and you were still going on as if you never intended to stop. You even gave me another hicky that night, and I had to cover it with tons of makeup for the wedding photos.”
Jim closed his eyes, regret assailing him—not just for what he did, but also because he didn’t remember any of what it had been like to be with her. And he had obviously not used any restraint at all.
The only relief he found at all was that hearing about it at least explained the dreams and the sense of knowing more than he should have about making love to Lauren. He should have known dreams weren’t the whole explanation. He should have forced her to tell him the truth instead of running off.
“Lauren—I’m really sorry I don’t remember,” he said softly, putting his lips against her temple.
The only memory he had was the mental anguish he’d felt when he’d found the torn clothes in the trash and no owner. He’d suffered because he hadn’t known if it had been Lauren who had been there or not. Cheating on Lauren with some faceless woman would have simply destroyed him. His relief at knowing it had been her had been too great to ponder if anything else had happened.
Jim hugged her tighter to remind himself they were together at last regardless of how they had gotten to where they were.
“I’m glad you told me,” Jim said, meaning every word. “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t be honest with me before now.”
Lauren sighed and swallowed hard. At least the truth was starting to loosen the tightness in her chest. “I was mad about knowing so much when you remembered nothing of me. You didn’t stay around to talk about it the next morning, or I would have told you about it when I brought back your shirt. When I did finally see you, you said you regretted everything. I was crushed to think you would regret being with me. I didn’t lie outright, but I know I let you believe nothing happened.”
Lauren looked at the mascara stains, and not at Jim. The rest was the worst, but it needed to be said. “I’m not stupid, Jim. I saw how drunk you were. I know you would have had sex with any woman who crawled into your bed that night. You did seem to recognize me when I first got there, which was the only reason I left you—unharmed. It was also part of why I didn’t stop you. I believed it was me you wanted.”
Jim laughed wryly and wrapped himself around her. He pulled her as close as he could, tucking all she was against his body as much as he could wedge them together.
“Damn straight it was you I wanted—you’re the woman I’ve wanted for years, but I sure as hell never meant anything to work out like it did, Lauren. I never meant to be dead drunk our first time. If you had hurt me that night, I would have forgiven you.”
It was all he could reasonably say. Being more sorry wasn’t going to change what had passed between them.
“I got bad news from my attorney that day, and then Kaiser and Carter spent the entire evening talking about their wives. I got wasted because I didn’t think I was ever going to get to be with you and be as happy as they were. That’s no excuse for what happened,” Jim said, his voice tight with regret. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes with you, Lauren.”
“No more than I’ve made with you, Jim,” Lauren said, sniffling again. “And you didn’t do anything wrong today. Today was perfect. You were perfect in your tight black jeans and your polo, carrying me up the stairs. Today was exactly what I imagined being with you the first time would be like.”
Lauren turned her head and hid her face against his neck. “It was awful of me to bitch at you for being the perfect lover. I should have said thank you. I should have said I love you at least ten or twelve more times. Forget I said all that other stuff—I mean I do kind of want more of an honest connection between us, but not for the reasons—”
Jim pushed her back on a stack of pillows, covering her mouth with his to stop her speech. He spent several minutes kissing her, stroking her silent with his tongue, nibbling her quivering bottom lip. He intended to give Lauren McCarthy everything she asked for within his power, but first he wanted to make sure things were finally even between them.
“We need to make sure there are no more problems between us. Let me put my jeans back on. We’ll go to the kitchen and you can crack my head on the floor tiles again. Just promise to let me stay afterwards,” Jim told her. “Then I want to hear every detail of what happened between us. We’
ll do a re-enactment if that’s what it takes to keep you sleeping with me.”
Lauren shook her head from side to side, dislodging the pillows. “No. I’ve damaged you enough,” she said. “I do fight men bigger than you every week. I’m tall and fairly strong for my size. But there’s nothing sexual about any of it—just to let you know. I don’t compete in any of my martial arts professionally, just spar with those who do.”
Jim laughed against her hair. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re a real sweetie with all those big, masculine men grabbing and tossing you around,” Jim teased. “You probably come out of those sessions turned on as hell from being touched. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.”
“I won’t say there haven’t been those times,” Lauren said wickedly, “but I never was tempted to take any of them home with me. I also don’t hurt people on purpose. You’re the only person I’ve ever hurt intentionally. I know how capable I am. I don’t use my abilities for anything bad.”
“Can I come watch you fight sometime? I’m not afraid of your dark side—well, not much,” Jim said on a laugh. “Okay, maybe I am afraid, but I kind of think I’d enjoy seeing you take your darker emotions out on men other than me. Then I’ll take you home afterwards and see if I can appease your inner bitch with sex.”
“I’m not the only one with a dark side,” Lauren declared, looking at his laughing face. Jim looked more relaxed than she’d ever seen him. Finally, she thought. Finally, we can be at ease with each other. Tension and worry she hadn’t known she’d been holding unwound inside her.
Jim looked at the woman in his arms. He was teasing her about her dark side, but also well aware the apology for today had been issued by the sweet part of her nature.
If their positions had been reversed, and Lauren had still been married to Smith, he’d have made sure the man regretted ever being a part of Lauren’s life. The woman in his arms would never hurt his wife, never hurt Sam, never force him to marry her. Lauren had all but said she would just take what she could from their relationship and make it work, but that didn’t mean she was going to be okay with it all on the inside. Jim knew better than that.
Inside, Lauren was raging against fate just as much as he was.
“I’m legally tied to another woman, and it’s an unfair situation to you in every way,” Jim said calmly. “My initial resistance to our involvement probably played hell with your good intentions. I’ve been looking for alternatives to staying legally married, but it doesn’t look like I can change my situation without losing custody of Cassandra’s and Sam’s care. So I’m working on changing my thinking about it, starting with never feeling guilty about being with you.”
“It helps me when you tell what’s going on with you. I understand you have a legal obligation, Jim, but not a real marriage. When you imply our relationship is cheating, my inner bitch just comes out throwing kicks and punches,” Lauren said softly. “I know we can’t have a completely normal life, but I want as much normal as I can get. I don’t really think you’re holding back from me, I’m just worried about competing for your time with your other—responsibilities.”
Lauren couldn’t bring herself to say the word wife.
“If I’m holding back from you, I don’t mean to,” Jim told her sincerely. “I don’t think of you as a responsibility. You give me so much more than you could ever ask for or take.”
“I’m sorry for earlier. If you forgive me, I promise better pillow talk next time,” Lauren said softly, curling herself around him. “If I fall asleep, will you be here when I wake up? I didn’t like waking up alone without you the other day. If you have to leave, just wake me before you go.”
“That’s the easiest thing you’ve asked me for all day. It’s taken me too damn long to get into your bed, I’m not going anywhere,” Jim said on a laugh again.
“Good,” Lauren said, sighing against his shoulder. “I don’t have the energy to kick your ass right now. Your capacity to give me mind-blowing orgasms is just as effective when you’re sober. My ears are still ringing from earlier because I think I held my breath at the end when you tried to break me and the bed. You’re the stuff fantasies are made of, Gallagher.”
“Fantasies, huh? I bet I know where those are stored in you. Let’s call a truce for the evening so your inner bitch can sleep too—okay?” Jim said on a laugh, wrapping his arms fiercely around her. “No ass kicking necessary until tomorrow. How’s that sound?”
Lauren snorted and laughed against his neck. It wasn’t long before her quiet breathing told Jim she was fast asleep again in his arms.
Though he tried to set his disappointment aside and just enjoy the moment with her, Jim’s mind wouldn’t let him rest. Being with Lauren pushed the lonely years away, made him want things again for himself. But what kind of relationship of any value could he offer Lauren? What could a woman like her want if not marriage and a real husband?
Lauren turned in her sleep and wrapped her arms around him, snuggling against him, lifting a leg to drape over his.
“Jim,” she said, hugging him to her. Her eyes never opened and the fact had Jim sighing against her. Whatever label anyone put on their relationship, Lauren McCarthy was simply his.
Letting himself be content at last, Jim allowed himself to finally fall asleep in her arms.
*** *** ***
Lauren woke later to someone bending over her and kissing her face. The scrape of his day old beard against her cheek brought awareness and memory back in a rush. She reached up and pulled his mouth to hers, tumbling Jim down on top of her. She was disappointed to find him fully clothed. Her eyes opened wide and she saw laughter in his.
“Nice try, Lucy, but you’re going to have to feed me first. I’m not twenty-five anymore. Sex makes me weak,” Jim said, belly laughing against her. But laying across Lauren’s naked breasts, and realizing he had not really explored them earlier, was making him regret making dinner plans for them for the evening.
Now he was wondering how fast he could shed his clothes.
“Lucy?” Lauren asked, pushing Jim off her with some genuine strength as she came fully awake. “Who’s Lucy?”
“Lucy Lawless—the woman who played the Amazon warrior princess on that TV show a few years ago. She was always manhandling the men in her life—in a good way, of course,” Jim amended, laughing at her frown.
“Other than the time I put you on the floor, I have not manhandled you yet,” Lauren said, swinging her legs to the side of the bed, and rolling Jim off the blanket in the process. She wrapped herself in the white cover, and tossed a corner over her shoulder. Dizziness swept over her. She must have sat up too fast. “My head is full of fog from the nap. I’m going to take a shower, and then we can talk.”
As Jim watched Lauren walk to the bathroom, he tried to gauge how safe he was making a pass. He knew Barrett had thought he was kidding about having to ask permission. He knew Casey and Ben would never truly believe him about her dark side until they saw Lauren kick someone’s ass.
But even fully knowing the risks himself, the bolt of desire shooting through him made him think bodily harm was a small price to pay if it meant he could get back inside Lauren.
Evidently, he wasn’t any smarter than his disbelieving friends.
“Want some company in the shower?” he asked. “I could wash your back.” If she said yes, it would make things a lot easier.
“No. I’m fine, thanks,” she said with a wave.
“I’m not,” Jim said, climbing off the bed. “I got dressed too soon.”
“You trying to get manhandled?” Lauren asked. “I need some time alone.”
She closed the bathroom door between them.
Smiling, Jim pulled off his shirt, letting it drop to the floor as he toed off his shoes. He sat on the bed and removed his socks. When the shower turned on, he hummed approval in his throat, stood and dropped his jeans again. Leaving his clothes in a pile, he walked to bathroom door, smiling again as the handle turned.
&n
bsp; He walked into the tiled shower and up behind Lauren, sliding his hands across miles and miles of soapy warm woman. She froze when he pressed his already insistent erection against the small of her back. A full body quiver shook her from head to toe, and she leaned back in his arms.
His hands tightened on her, the urge to take her coming swift and strong. He wanted to bend Lauren to his will, pleasure her until his name was the only sound she could make. He ran restless, greedy hands over her soapy breasts and pressed his erection harder against the back of her hips as she moaned. There was a darkness in both of them, hundreds of needs gone way too long unmet, and Jim wanted to explore that with her, but not today. Not today when they had to mend their hearts first.
“No matter how much I want to unleash myself completely on you, I just can’t abandon sanity with you yet. Give me some time before you try to talk me into it,” Jim pleaded. “I have to get my quota of looking you in the eye first. It’s just something I feel strongly about, something I need to do with you. What do you have to say?”
Lauren turned in Jim’s arms. “I say—any way, any time. And yes, one day I intend to make you desperate enough to take me without thinking twice about it, but I can wait. Can I manhandle you now?”
“Oh, you asking permission this time?” Jim laughed at the expression on her face, the steely gaze, the darkness he could see her fighting not to unleash on him. The look in her eye was definitely at odds with the sweet tone of the question.
“Being brave is hard for me, but I feel I owe you a full apology,” she explained.
Jim looked confused and shook his head. The warm water beat steady on Lauren’s back, splashing off her and onto both of them.
Lauren put her arms around the only man she wanted, kissed him as deeply as she could, and then hooked one leg around his as she pushed him back against the cold tile wall. He didn’t complain about the coldness on his backside, but she intended to distract him from that soon anyway.
Dating A Saint Page 19
