by MK Harkins
This was what depression felt like, dark and deep. I kept sinking into it, and I didn’t know how to get out. When was I going to feel normal again? Did I even want normal back? I rolled over in my bed and curled into a ball. Shock and numbness would come and go. I prayed to stay numb. I couldn’t function with this raw, open wound. There was a monster inside me, clawing to get out. Pain and misery kept trying to surface, and I was doing everything humanly possible to push them back down. It didn’t work.
Braydon. The thought of his name sent an assault of sadness and loneliness through my mind and body. Every memory, even the good ones, felt like a stab wound.
There was a knock at my bedroom door. I knew it was Colin, because no one else had my key. I pulled the blankets over my head and shouted, “Go away!”
The knob turned slowly. I stayed under the blankets. I didn’t want to have another “talk.” They were exhausting.
“You know I can’t do that.” I was hurting Colin by my complete withdrawal from the world. He was doing his best, but nothing could help me.
“Colin, I appreciate your concern, but I’d do a lot better if I was left on my own.” Go away.
“Again, I can’t do that. I won’t leave you like this. You’re scaring me, Jain.” Another talk. I sat up to get it over with.
“I’ve already talked to you about him.” I wouldn’t say his name. “I told him what would happen if he didn’t trust me again. He has issues, Colin. Problems that are too big for me to handle. If I went back now, I’d always wonder when the other shoe would drop. I won’t live my life like that. I deserve better than that, don’t you see?”
The irony was, Braydon had taught me that I deserved better. After our talk about my mom and my role in her suffering, I’d come to terms with the fact I wasn’t capable of helping her kill herself. Once that burden was lifted, I felt like a different person.
Colin said quietly, “He’s devastated. He might even be worse than you.”
Part of me thought he should be suffering like I was. The other part didn’t want him to be sad, because…
“I loved him, Colin.” I blurted out.
He took my hand. “I know, honey.” He smiled feebly.
“I know it sounds crazy, especially coming from me. But, we were inseparable for an entire week. If you think about it, the amount of time we had together would compare to months of dating. I let my defenses down. Not just a little, all the way down. You know all those years I spent guarding myself? It didn’t help, because all the love I was holding back came out all at once. I allowed myself to love him because he’s so…” I stopped myself and groaned. “How could I be so stupid? He’s a player. He couldn’t deal with commitment, so he trashed our relationship. He may not have done it purposely, but he knew what would happen.”
“He told me a few things about his childhood. I think you should hear him out,” he explained. He knew what my response would be.
“Colin, I think you should leave. I want to be alone.” I lay back down and threw the blankets back over my head.
Colin started to talk, but I stopped him. “If you aren’t going to support me, I want you to go.” I couldn’t take even a glimmer of hope. It was excruciating, even the thought of it. Braydon and I would never be together again. I wasn’t able to stand the pain of the separation after only a week spent together. What would I have been like if it had been months? I couldn’t even fathom agony worse than I what I’d experienced the past two weeks. I didn’t think I’d be able to live through it. Would this unbearable pain ever go away? Would it soften so I could at least function?
“I won’t talk about Braydon anymore. I don’t want to make things worse for you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me?” He reached out to hold my hand. I let him.
“Yes. Please don’t ever mention his name again. I can’t bear it.” I wrapped the cool sheets around my body, forming a cocoon. It was a partial relief, a barrier against the world.
THIRTY-FIVE
Braydon
“Jain!” I cried out. It was too late. I watched in horror as she slammed the door to Colin’s car. I’d lost her. She warned me what would happen if I didn’t trust her again. What was I thinking? Why had I believed the worst? It felt almost as if the incident in high school with Angela happened again today. With it, every feeling of betrayal and insecurity rose to the surface. I let my pride and paranoia take over. I knew it was probably a kneejerk reaction from years of protecting myself, but it didn’t help. Not now. I was an expert when it came to making sure a woman didn’t “fool” me. Now look at me, I was the fool. A stupid fool.
Todd had quickly filled me in. The contest was a sham, perpetrated by the tabloids to sell their stupid magazines. There was no big payout. Angela had doctored the form to exact some sick revenge for my rejection of her at the charity event. She’d called our office with a lame excuse, asking for my home address. Todd, who knew all about her, sensed something was up. He didn’t give her my address, but he knew she’d have other sources. He called Colin, and together, they’d tried to get to us in time. That was why they kept calling all morning. I’d wanted uninterrupted time with Jain, so I never picked up. Another regret.
“You got what you wanted, Angela. Get off my porch.” My voice was contained, but I wasn’t. “I’ve never hit a woman, but I’m not opposed to starting with you.” I wouldn’t hit her; that was an idle threat, but I did want her gone. Right. Now.
She tossed her hair back over her shoulder. “Baby Braydon.”
My entire body stiffened. She did remember.
“I was going to give you a second chance. I will admit, you grew up to be…” Her eyes trailed up and down. “Rather built. I would have never guessed you were the same Braydon until I did some checking on you.”
That’s right. Her husband search. She probably had everyone put through a background check.
Todd stepped forward. “That’s enough. I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave, right now. You’re standing on private property.”
Her head turned side-to-side as she took in the large expanse of the house, the barn, and acreage. “Let me know if you change your mind.” She laughed as she slowly made her way down the stairs. “You’ll thank me one day. What could you ever want from a plain scientist?”
Everything.
I watched her back as she sashayed to her gaudy, overpriced Jaguar. She had it custom painted a Pepto Bismol pink. Looking at it made me feel sick.
I turned back to Todd. “What have I done?”
***
The days marched past, one after another. I was still alive, but barely. Two weeks had passed, and Jain still wouldn’t talk to me. I’d tried everything. I couldn’t blame her though. I’d broken my promise.
I was on autopilot. I woke up, went to work, came home, and attempted sleep. Beyond that, my life was a long, gray string of events that no longer mattered to me. I couldn’t shake the lifeless, numb feeling that shadowed me every hour.
The only time I felt anything was when I called Colin. At least he talked to me.
I snatched my cell from my desk at work. I couldn’t concentrate, worrying about Jain. I punched in his number from memory. He picked up after the first ring.
“Hey, Colin. How is she today?” I asked.
“Not much better,” he answered. “Braydon?”
“Yes?” I didn’t think I’d like his next sentence.
“Today she asked me not to talk about you anymore. I’ve tried, but she’s not ready to listen. Honestly, I don’t think she ever will. It might be time to move on.” Colin’s voice was low, almost a whisper.
“Are you with her now?”
“She’s in the other room. I don’t want her to know I’ve been talking to you. She almost ended our friendship when I mentioned your name. I’m sorry, Braydon, but I don’t think she’s going to come around.” His voice broke.
“Has she received the flowers I sent? The notes?”
“The flowers were donated to a r
etirement home a few blocks away.” He hesitated. “The notes haven’t been opened. She burned the first couple. The rest were thrown away.”
I leaned my head back onto my chair, defeated. “I can’t give up, Colin. I won’t.”
“You might need to at some point, Braydon, to save your sanity, if nothing else.”
The dull ache started again in the center of my chest. I’d previously tried to rub and massage it away, but I now knew I’d never be able to rid myself of it. I hadn’t recognized it because I’d never felt it before – love. Love had been trying to break free all those months, even before she came to my home. Now my chest ached with loneliness.
I leaned forward, my hands holding my head, the phone propped between my shoulder and ear. I let the tears fall. I didn’t care.
“I want to know if she’s okay. Can you keep me posted?” I asked.
“I can do that.”
“Thanks, Colin.”
I buzzed Julie, my personal assistant. “Julie, I need you to cancel the order for flowers I set up for this month.”
“Oh,” came her disappointed response. It seemed everyone knew my business and hoped for a reconciliation. The tabloids had covered everything – the romantic week we’d spent together and the break up. I was now “Brooding Braydon.” The only thing they weren’t aware of was Angela’s role and my stupidity.
THIRTY-SIX
Jain
“Welcome back!” everyone shouted. I jumped back about a foot and held my hand to my heart.
“You just about gave me a heart attack. What’s going on?” I was only away for three weeks.
Colin laughed. “We all missed you. Here, have a cupcake to celebrate your return.”
That was sweet of him. “Thanks, everyone. I’m glad to be back.” I turned to Colin. “A cupcake for breakfast?”
“Yeah, you’ve had a donut before. Cupcakes have more nutrients. They have eggs, and…”
“Okay, you talked me into it.” I laughed.
His eyes softened. “I’ve missed you, Jain.” I glanced around the room. Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Thanks, everyone. I feel better.” I didn’t try to hide the reason for my vacation. It was spread all over the tabloids. I was still humiliated I hadn’t been able to get out of bed for three weeks, but I was determined to get on with my work. Guilt wasn’t the driving force anymore though. That was good.
Don’t think about him.
I had decided to ditch my disguise. It was time to face the world as myself. No more hiding behind contacts, glasses, and pale skin. Although I doubted anyone even noticed today since my face was drawn and sallow with purple circles ringing both eyes.
Erik approached me with a good-natured smile. “I’m glad to have my lab partner back. I can’t wait to show you all the progress on our experiments with the proteins. You’ll be amazed.”
“Let’s get started.” I needed a distraction. I put my purse and coat into the break-room closet and followed Erik down the hall to our lab. Once we entered the room, Erik turned to me.
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to you after I tried to kiss you.” He swept his fingers through his hair, pausing before he continued. “I’ve already told you I was sorry. I hope you know that was totally out of character for me. I’m still trying to figure out who stole my body.”
A soft chuckle escaped me. “Don’t worry about it. It’s forgotten.” I wanted to move forward, past any negative emotions. I hoped to surround myself with everything positive. Maybe it would rub off on me.
“I’m not going to lie though, if you’d kissed me back, I wouldn’t have complained.” Another grin. “I have feelings for you, but I know you aren’t ready for a relationship after what you’ve been through.”
I shook my head, which gave him the non-verbal warning – don’t go there.
“I’m not going to pressure you. Don’t worry. But if there is ever a time you need a friend, someone to talk to, please, ask me. Even if it’s just friendship, I would be happy with that.”
“Sure. Thanks, Erik. I appreciate the offer of friendship. You’re right. I won’t be ready for a long time. Maybe never.” I shrugged. It was sad and awful to feel that way, but I wasn’t going to lie. Especially to myself.
His smile was gentle and encouraging. “I think we could be great friends.”
I returned his smile. “Sure.”
***
It was two days before Christmas, and I was sick. Part of me was glad. I didn’t want to think about Braydon, his dad, and Todd celebrating without me. I’d had Braydon’s family for one day. The lightheaded feeling from the fever, combined with a stabbing sadness, dropped me to my knees. I touched my hand to the floor beneath me. The grains of the wood rippled under my fingertips, assuring me I was alive, that I could still feel.
I rolled over onto my side and glanced around my condo. It was home. I loved it here. Nancy was here. Colin was here. It was enough. It had to be.
The leaking tears left a trail over the bridge of my nose and plopped onto the floor, one by one. They made a pool, growing larger with each minute.
There was a gaping hole in my life. Despair gripped me as the unwanted memories came crashing back. Why couldn’t I just forget?
Braydon kissing me on the dance floor for the first time; the softness of his mouth.
Watching the fat, lazy snowflakes fall while we sat in front of a roaring fire.
Nap times that never included sleep.
Horseback riding through the trails.
Snuggling on the couch watching movies.
Laughing.
The smell and feel of him.
Happiness.
I groaned and rolled over to my other side. I needed to get up, but my body felt limp. A few moments later, or was it hours? I felt my body being lifted from the floor.
“Jain, Jain! Are you okay? What happened?” Colin’s voice sounded far away.
“Sick,” I managed to squeak out.
He put his hand to my head. “Shit. You’re burning up.”
“That’s okay,” I slurred. “I’ll get to miss Christmas.”
“Dammit, Jain. You should have taken more time off. You weren’t ready for work yet. Your immune system’s been compromised. You haven’t been taking care of yourself. When was the last time you ate?”
“Does it matter? Does anything matter?” I could barely get the words out.
“Jain. Do you hear me? Don’t I matter? Don’t you give up on me, Jain. I promise, things will get better.”
“You promise? What are promises anyway? They don’t mean anything.” I let myself go back to sleep. I welcomed the fever and the accompanying darkness that overtook my constant yearning.
***
Colin was holding my hand. How long had I been asleep?
“I’m sorry for what I said,” I told him.
“It’s okay,” he answered. He still sounded different, far away.
“I’m so sad, Colin.”
He smoothed the hair back from my face. “I know. I’m sad, too.”
I struggled to open my eyes, but I was too weak. “I’m sick.”
He chuckled softly. “Yes. You are. The doctor was here. He said you’d be just fine.”
“But I’m not fine, Colin. I don’t think I’ll ever be fine.” I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I wasn’t sure if it was due to tears or the fever that had sweat coming out of every pore. “I’m so hot. Why am I so hot?”
“You still have a fever.”
“Did I miss Christmas?”
“Today is Christmas.”
“Good. I won’t remember being without—” I stopped. I would not think about him on Christmas.
“Being without what?” he asked.
“Remember our deal, Colin. We don’t talk about him.” I grabbed the sheet and wiped away the sweat and tears off my face. I still couldn’t open my eyes. I felt so weak. My eyelids felt like lead. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I tossed again in my bed.
> “The doctor said the fever will break in the next twenty-four hours. He said you’d be fine.”
“No, I mean life. I don’t know if I can do it. I hurt too much.” A small sob escaped me. It was all my worn and tired body would allow.
“Please don’t say that.”
“I loved him, Colin. Not just a little. It was the soul-crushing kind of love. My soul is crushed. I can’t stand to even think about him.” I wasn’t sure if this made sense to Colin, but I needed to say it.
“What does Braydon need to do to help?”
I grabbed tightly onto his cool, dry hand. “He needs to quit reminding me of what we had. No more flowers and notes. Once I see that he’s moved on, maybe I can, too.”
“I’ll tell him.” His voice cracked.
“Thanks, Colin. I love you.”
I felt familiar lips touch mine.
He whispered in my ear. “I’ll love you forever, Jain.”
THIRTY-SEVEN
Braydon
Colin witnessed the entire exchange. All he could do was shake his head and say, “Sorry, man.”
I nodded. “I’ll do it for her. I’ll back off.”
“I think it would be best. She’s strong. She’ll get through this,” he assured me.
“Can you let me know if it gets worse, or when she gets better? After that, I’ll try not to interfere. We still have the fundraiser to plan, but we don’t have to involve Jain.”
“We really appreciate you not backing out of this. Under the circumstances, we wouldn’t have blamed you.” He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. “I wish things were different.”
“You and I both.” I shook his hand and left.
I got into my car and rested my head against the steering wheel. It was the first time I’d seen Jain in a month. She looked so fragile. The taste of her lips lingered on mine. I would savor it, because I knew I’d never kiss her again. I would do that for her. If she needed closure to live a happy life, I would give it to her. It was the least I could do.
