by Cassie Mae
As my nails dry, I head out to the living room to check on Mom. She seems to still be on the wagon, but you can never be too careful.
“Hey, Mom,” I say as I plop down on the couch next to her.
She turns with a smile. Her blonde bob tucked behind her ears, and her eyes are as clear as crystal. “Hey, sweetie. Any big plans for tonight?”
“I’m heading over to Ryan’s soon. What about you?”
“I’m just going to stay in.”
“Have you spoken to Roger at all?”
She’s quiet for a moment and rubs at her nose. “Only at the meetings.”
“What about Dad?”
“I saw him yesterday.”
“Is it weird?”
She laughs. “Very.”
“I hope I never have to deal with the whole awkward ex thing.”
“It’s not awkward. Just. Okay it’s awkward. But he’s sick, and for the longest time we were all each other had. I don’t agree with what he did. We could’ve found a way to make it work. But I know how he thinks and I understand why he thought what he did was best. And as hard as it is to accept, I’m trying. I’m just so mad at him. For what he did to us. For how weak I became when he left, and I know that was on me, but I can’t help but blame him. It’s making me feel super guilty.”
“Not guilty enough to…” I can’t get the words out. That weak person Mom was talking about hasn’t existed for over three months. I like to pretend she never did at all.
“Start drinking again?”
I nod.
“It’s a struggle. But I think I’ll be okay.”
I rest my head against Mom’s shoulder. “That’s good to hear. Do you want me to drop you off at a meeting on my way to Ryan’s?”
“I think I’m going to stay in and watch some horrible Hallmark movie.”
“Oh man I wish I could stay.”
“Rain check?”
“Absolutely.”
I say goodbye to Mom, jump in the car, and head to Ryan’s. When I pull up he’s standing outside with a smile and a handkerchief.
It looks like the start of a low budget porn film.
“What’s that for?” I nod to his hand as I step out of the car.
“A surprise,” he says, and bends to give me a kiss. It’s too quick and I pull him back for more, running my hands through his hair and relishing in the softness, the familiar.
“I already know about the party,” I say.
“This is a different surprise.”
I clap and jump up and down.“I like surprises,” I say then hold my finger up. “As long as it doesn’t have to do with tying me up.”
He does a double take and a giggle slips from my lips.
“Someone’s mind is in the gutter,” he says.
“You have that effect on me.” I pinch his side and he engulfs me in his arms, squeezing me tight until a laugh pops out.
“I’m not going to tie you up, but I do have to blindfold you,” he says.
“Kinky.”
Ryan shifts, and I know he’s adjusting himself and I flutter my eyelashes innocently.
“Stop it, or we’ll never make it to the surprise.”
“When did you turn into such an old man?” I joke.
“I’ll show you old.” He tickles my side and I screech, but when his fingers slow and start massaging my sides, I sink against him. The handkerchief covers my eyes, turning my world black, and Ryan secures it into place. “Can you see?” he says against my ear and damn it if I don’t want to tackle him in the middle of the driveway.
“Nope,” I confirm.
“Perfect.” He rests his hands on my shoulders and steers me to the right. Or is it the left? For all I know we could be walking off a cliff or into traffic. Even if we are, I trust Ryan with my life, so I don’t put up much of a fight.
Maybe he’s bringing me for a picnic out in the backyard. Nope I didn’t hear the fence open. Oh! Maybe we’re going to the old amusement park. Because even if I said I don’t want to live in the past, it’s still fun to visit.
We come to a stop and I know it’s not our old stomping grounds. We’d be walking a heck of a lot longer. And I’d have to crawl through a fence.
I hear the garage door open and I turn to Ryan with a curious eye, then remember he can’t see it. “What’s in the garage?” I ask.
“I knew I should’ve gotten earplugs too,” he mumbles.
“I still can’t see,” I remind him. “So can you take this thing off now?” I tug at the material, and his hand lands on mine.
“Let me.” He presses his chest into my back and pulls the tie, letting the blindfold fall away, bringing light back into my world.
I blink to adjust my vision as Ryan points to the corner and to a…
“A mattress?” I ask. “That’s the surprise?”
He nods, looking at me like he wants more of a reaction, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I don’t get it.
It’s a mattress. And not just any mattress. It’s a freaking wall of a mattress. Seriously that thing is the size of my basement apartment.
“It’s nice,” I say not exactly sure how you describe a mattress. It’s not like it’s a puppy or a bracelet. Those things I’d know how to react to.
Ryan steps in front of me and takes my hand.
“It’s yours. Ours,” he says, and I raise an eyebrow. “Move in with me.”
“In your bedroom? I don’t think Grams will be too happy with that.”
He laughs and rests his hand on my face, cupping my cheek and stroking his thumb across my skin. “After graduation, let’s get our own place. Together. That way, no matter how crazy our schedules get, we can see each other every night. That’s why I’ve been working so much. So I’ll have money to support us. And now we have our very own king sized bed to start.”
Panic bum rushes me and my airway gets cut off. I can’t breathe. I step back, pulling away from his touch. I need to think and I can’t think with him touching me.
I swallow back the lump of unnerving emotion, trying to slingshot its way up my throat. Focusing on breathing, I force myself to clear my head.
I love Ryan. I do. I want to go to college and spend forever with him. That was always the plan, but… Things changed when my father came back. He’s sick and as much as I hate to believe it, he’s dying. How can I go away to school, with Ryan, and leave Dad behind to die alone? To leave Mom, who seems fine, but who is still very much struggling with her demons. My family needs me.
Ryan’s eyes narrow in concern. He steps toward me. “What’s wrong?”
My lips part but no words come out. Fear flashes in Ryan’s eyes and I hate myself for causing it, but I’m frozen. No matter what I say, how I word this, he’s going to be hurt.
“Say something.”
I take a deep breath and move toward him. I ball his shirt in my hand, trying to find the strength to blurt it all out.
“You’re scaring me, Lex,” Ryan says.
I glance into his beautiful brown eyes and give my best attempt at a smile. “I love you so much. You know that right?”
He looks skeptical as he nods. “I know.”
“And I want forever with you, I do. But I don’t know if I’m going away to school anymore.”
This time Ryan steps away from me. His eyes widen, and I’d like to think it’s shock, but he has his pissed off face on, and all I want to do is hide in the corner behind the toolbox.
“What the hell are you talking about?” His hands fling out in front of him. “College is your dream. It has been for years.” He runs his fingers through his hair, yanking at the ends. I want to wrap my hands around his and ease the tension, but for the first time ever, I don’t think I can be his calm.
“My dad’s sick, Ry. Who knows how much time he has left? I don’t want to waste any second I can be with him in a classroom.”
“No.” Ryan shakes his head. “No, no.”
“I’ll take a gap year. Just like you
. Then after that we can live together with our king sized bed and live happily ever after. But for right now, I can’t.”
“Have you lost your freaking mind?” he yells and I jump at his tone.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re going to college.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Who are you, my dad?” I spit.
He all but snorts. “I sure as hell have been there for you more than he has.”
Anger surges through me and I storm toward him. “Why can’t you just be happy for me? Be supportive? When Brett showed up on your doorstep, I was there for you. Oh wait, I was there for you as soon as you let me in. I never lied to you about this. Ever! You know how much my dad’s leaving hurt me. How scarred I was. He’s finally back. I thought you of all people would be happy for me.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of!”
“What?” I scream.
Ryan erases the gap between us, taking me in his arms and smoothing my hair down. “I don’t want to see you hurt again.”
All the anger, panic, fear, and frustration circulating in me pushes to my eyes and a tear slips out. I wipe it away and pull back, taking Ryan’s face in my hands. I stare deep into his eyes, into the place that only I’ve ever seen. “You won’t,” I assure him. His mouth parts and I cut his words off with my lips. “I promise.”
He kisses me back, but it’s weak and lethargic. A few seconds later he pulls away and rests his forehead on mine. “Can you at least think about living together? Even if you don’t want to go to school.”
“I will,” I say. “I promise I will think about it.” I let out a soft and quiet laugh. “It’s just… you caught me off guard.”
He softly laughs with me. “Well, it was a surprise.” He presses a kiss to my forehead. “You should head home and get ready. You wouldn’t want to be late to your own party.”
He takes my hand and leads me to my car. After opening the door for me, I give him one more kiss, and then sit down. I watch as he retreats back to the house. His shoulders slump with each step and I swear he slams the door behind him. I wish I could fix this. Fix us. There’s just so much going on right now, I don’t know what the right answer is anymore.
Before I pull out of the driveway I check my phone. One new text message. I swipe my screen.
Dad: Would love some ice cream. Are you up for it?
I need to get ready for tonight, but I already have my outfit planned out, so really I just have to fix my hair. That won’t take two hours. I can totally get ice cream and get back in time for the party.
Lexie: I’ll be there in ten.
Chapter 20
Ryan
I knock against Lex’s door for the third time, glancing over my shoulder at Nate. He’s got his legs kicked up on the dash and he’s messing with his phone, not a clue to what’s waiting at Kaylee’s house for him. Every year since they’ve known each other, Nate and Lex have celebrated their shared birthdays at Skippy Lee’s… that is up until Kaylee showed up. She always insisted we do a foursome type thing at one of our houses. So it’s the perfect cover—Nate still has no idea, but Lex does. And she’s still not coming to the door.
“Come on,” I say, jiggling the handle. “Lex? You in there?”
After no response I sigh and take out my cell, pressing call on Lex’s cute face that is pushing the boundaries of annoyance at the moment.
“I know, I’m running late,” she answers.
“Where are you?”
“Can I meet you guys there?”
“Lex,” I grumble, turning back toward the car, “you know you have to arrive at the same time as Nate.”
“I know, I know,” she rambles, and I bury the heat burning up my neck and stinging the back of my eyes. “I’m going as fast as I can.”
“What’s going on? Do you need me to pick you up?”
She’s quiet for a moment, and I know what she’s going to say before she says it. I will myself to keep calm, to not overreact, to not freak out. Not just because it’s her birthday, but because she asked me to understand.
“I promise I’ll be there soon,” she says.
I take a deep breath. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
She sighs, and I can tell she’s smiling with relief. I get a roundhouse kick to my stomach. I want to trust her judgment, I want to understand, but I just don’t, and it’s killing me not to say so. It’s eating under the surface of my skin, crawling around in my nervous system.
“I love you,” she says, and I try to shake off the sinking feeling in my gut. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Love you, too.” I go to hang up, then quickly pull the phone back to my ear. “Lex?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful, all right?”
She lets out a tiny laugh. “I will.”
“Happy birthday.”
She tells me thanks and when I hang up my heart drops about a thousand feet into the pavement. I flick over to Kaylee’s number and send her a text that it’ll only be a surprise for one tonight. After everything Kaylee planned, I really don’t envy the wrath Lex is going to get later.
***
I pull up to Kaylee’s place, and the music can be heard through our closed windows. Nate’s eyebrow disappears under his fedora as he raises it at me, and I laugh and shut off the engine.
“We’re having a party, right?”
“How many people did she invite?”
“I lost count,” I tell him, grinning as I hop out of the car. Nate fixes his suspenders as he goes up the walk in front of me. He’s never been a fan of big parties, but I think he’ll be a fan of this one.
He swings open the front door in a ninja-style move, saying, “Ah-ha!” but the only person there is a guy in a magician’s cap. Nate’s brows pull together, and he looks behind the living room couch for any hiding persons, and when he doesn’t see any, he looks at me. A grin pulls at the corner of my lips, and I shut the front door.
The magician smiles and then starts pulling handkerchiefs from his sleeve. He gestures for Nate to hold one end of it while he keeps tugging and tugging at the different colors. The magician tilts his head, checking up his sleeve for more. Nate’s confusion quickly turns into amusement.
Then suddenly, with a whip of the long handkerchiefs, doves fly out and the lights snap off.
“Whoa!” Nate says, and a strobe light flickers on in tune with the music, lighting up not only the magician, but four other people. One shuffling cards. One flipping a coin. Another creating fire out of nowhere. And Kaylee, who’s trapped in Nate’s diagonal box.
“Surprise!” they say, but it’s a hell of a lot more voices than just the magicians. The light turns back on, and the room is filled to the brim with people from school, Nate and Kaylee’s dance class, and a few people I don’t recognize. Nate claps and tips his fedora at the magicians before running up to Kaylee and pecking her on the lips through the box. She waves her arm at him, holding out the tickets she bought for Vegas… and the show she was able to get Nate an audition for.
He nearly passes out.
And I… I really wish Lex was here to see this.
***
“That girl is in so much trouble,” Kaylee says, then takes a sip from her Sprite as we watch the card master magician. “Did she say when she’d be here?”
I shake my head, and then laugh at Josh Perkins as the handkerchief magician coughs a bouquet of flowers into his face.
“Well, Trish is only going to man her mani/pedi station for so long.” Kaylee nods toward the group of girls getting their toes and fingernails done up with professional airbrushing. I don’t even want to think how much it cost Kaylee to do all this. I only paid for a few drinks and snacks. Though, out of all of us, she’s the one who has to worry the least about money.
“You should go get one,” Nate says, then “whoop-whoops” at the latest trick.
“I wanted to d
o it with her.” Kaylee pouts. Her eyes flick to the clock over the mantelpiece and mine follow.
8:21. It’s only been twenty minutes since we showed up.
“I’m sure she’s on her way,” I say, but a sinking feeling in my gut tells me that I don’t really believe my own words.
***
It’s 9:01, and my phone buzzes. I’m tempted not to look at it because I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if Lex says she’s not coming at all. But curiosity gets the better of me, and I tap the screen on.
Lex: I’m on my way!
A grin quirks on my lips, out of habit or because I’m relieved she’s all right, I’m not sure. I text her back that I can’t wait, then tuck it into my pocket and watch another magician pull a dove from his sleeve.
***
9:35, and still no Lex. I grab for a Coke bottle from the fridge then head to the game room, tired of all the coins being pulled from various parts of my body. Kaylee kept the party alcohol-free for Lex, but Kaylee knows how to throw a party without the stuff. The music thumps around us, vibrating up my DCs and beating in my chest. It’s oddly cathartic, even though I’m not exactly thrilled to be alone at the moment.
“Hey Ryan!” Luke from autoshop calls out, holding up a controller for the TV. “We need a fourth for Super Smash Bros.”
Perfect. I cap my Coke and head over, grateful for the distraction. My ass sinks into the couch next to Brett, and it stays there for who knows how long.
No… that’s a lie. I know exactly how long.
It’s been an hour, and Lex still isn’t here.
***
“Thanks for coming!” Kaylee says right before shutting the door behind a few people from her dance class. It’s just the three of us now and a giant mess from the doves. Nate leans down and gives Kaylee a whopping kiss on the cheek—I’m surprised he can with how big his grin is—and goes for the paper towels.
“You’re not cleaning up,” Kaylee says, swiping the towels from him. “It’s your birthday.”
“After what you guys just pulled for me, I think I can clean up a little poop for you.”
