“I want her,” I say without hesitation. “Tell me what I need to do to get her out of there and into my home.”
Mark nods his head. “I’ll do everything that I can.” His eyes meet mine. “Are you sure you want to do this? Don’t take on something that you can’t handle. This is a little girl that we’re talking about here. I need to know that you really want her, and will take care of her and love her as your own.”
“Please,” I say firmly. “I love him. That is his child in there and I’ll love her too. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. Help me.”
“Alright,” he says softly. “Just don’t let that little girl down. If Royal doesn’t come back . . . it’s the two of you against the world. You’re her family. You need to know that.”
“I know . . .” I whisper.
That’s something he’ll never have to worry about. That little girl has just become part of my life now. Royal has the other part and I’m not giving up until I’m whole.
One Month Later . . .
IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND JUST like every other night in this shithole motel I can’t sleep for shit. There are so many fucked up thoughts running through my head that almost none of it seems to make sense anymore. It pisses me the hell off. It’s been a whole month since I left her, and I’m no closer to having my shit together now than I did the night I took off.
The thing that seems to me haunting me the most, though, is the look in Avalon’s eyes as I left her in tears, running after me in my sheet that night. Fuck, it shoots right through me and straight to my heart, weakening me from the one spot that I thought no one would be able to reach again . . . but she has. She has my heart in her grasp and I’m willing to let her keep it as long as I can’t hurt her.
I never wanted to have that power over someone else again: to be able to hurt another or let her down. Not like I did Olivia. I was doing so fucking good, keeping everyone at a distance, until she walked through that door, knocking me on my fucking ass and making me want her.
I gave her the opportunity to see me. To see the real me, giving her the chance to run before it was too late . . . but she didn’t. Instead she did the exact opposite and fell for me.
She fell in love with me. She told me she wanted me and needed me.
Every time I think about it, I tell myself that she has to be just as fucked up as I am to believe she’s in love with me.
Time . . .
With time she will see the truth and her eyes will start to open up to the fact that there’s nothing good about me. I’m not a good fucking man that will bring her flowers and plan romantic candlelit dinners and then make love to her, whispering in her ear that she’s my one true love. I can’t be what she deserves. I’m not sure I can be anything.
She just can’t love me. I need enough time and distance between us for her to see that so I can’t fucking hurt her.
Reaching over beside me to the sticky table, I grab the bottle of whiskey and bring it to my lips, while powering up my phone and watching as it lights up.
It’s that time of the night that I know Jax or Blaine’s text will be waiting for me, letting me know the same thing they tell me every day: Avalon is good and safe.
That’s all I asked from both of them when I left. I don’t want anything else at the moment, and I know that Jax and Blaine are the only two that truly understand how my head works.
Every other message that I receive throughout the day gets deleted without even a second thought, because I know if I allow myself to read any messages from Avalon I will break and only drag her down with me.
It’s not safe yet. Not until I can get my head straight and figure out a way to move on.
Setting down the bottle, I rub my hands down my face and release a deep breath. “I need to know that what I’m doing is the right thing, Olivia. I need to know that these feelings I have inside are true. I need a sign from you. Please.”
I shake my head and look around the dark, stale room, wishing that things didn’t have to be this way. I hate it here and I hate that I can’t be with her. It makes me feel less alive more and more each day.
“I love her,” I say in a pained voice, hoping that Olivia understands. “I love her so fucking much, but I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt her. Can you tell me that I won’t . . . because I can’t?”
I turn on our song for the hundredth time tonight and close my eyes, pretending that everything will be okay.
That I somehow can remember how to live again . . .
Five Months Later . . .
“KYLIE! WHERE ARE YOU, GIGGLES?” I yell, while opening up the lower cabinets in the kitchen and pretending to look inside. “Hmm, I wonder where Kylie could be? Somebody sure is good at disappearing! Must be magical . . .”
I hear her tiny, high-pitched giggle coming from under the kitchen table, but I continue to play along and look everywhere else except the place I know she is hiding.
She laughs again as I walk over to the table and shake my head, as if I’m disappointed that I can’t find her.
“Oh man . . . she must be gone. Shucks! Too many magical skittles today.” I reach for her favorite pink plastic bowl. “I guess I will just have to eat this macaroni and cheese all by myself.”
Laughing, she runs out from under the table and dives at my leg, squeezing it in her little arms. “Mommy! Mine! Mine!”
Feeling overwhelmed, I smile big and pick her up, hugging her tightly as tears form in my eyes. With each day I get more and more attached to this beautiful little angel, and there’s no better feeling in the world than to hear her call me mommy.
My heart hurt the first few times she said it. It made me feel guilty. There was an ache in my chest that made me feel for Olivia and hurt for her. She should be the one being called mommy. She should be the one seeing her running around and laughing and holding her at night while she falls sleep. Not me, but her and Royal. They were supposed to be a family, but this little girl had it all taken from her. It kills me, but makes me happy that I can be here for her now.
I set Kylie down in her highchair and turn and wipe the tears away as they continue to fall down my face and wet the top of my shirt. She looks so much like Royal that it hurts, knowing he’s gone.
I try my hardest not to think about Royal and how much he’s missing out on with his little angel here, but as hard as I try, I can’t force myself to stop. He means more to me now than ever, and I want nothing more than for him to be here, especially after having his beautiful little girl in my life.
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t sent him a text to let him know that I need him to come home. He needs to know about his daughter, but I refuse to tell him over the phone. He’s been through too much already. I can’t do that to him over a phone call.
That’s exactly why I haven’t told Jax and Blaine the truth yet. As far as they know, Kylie is just a little girl that I adopted and fell in love with. She’s been with me for three months now, and every single day with her is special.
I knew that if I told the boys there’s no way they wouldn’t tell Royal. Just the thought of him reading it over a text or hearing it in a voicemail breaks my heart. He needs to be here. He needs to see her with his own eyes.
This little angel is life changing. As much as it hurts me not to have Royal here, I need him to come back on his own. I need him to be ready to be in his daughter’s life, whether that includes me or not. He’s got a lot going on in his head. Only he can choose to let go.
I just don’t know how much longer I can hold out on telling him about her, or how much longer I can have hope that we will be together again. There has to be a time that I allow myself to move on with my life.
“One more month,” I whisper to myself. “Just one more month.”
The tears fall harder, because honestly . . . I’ve been saying the same thing for the last four months now. Those words haven’t done shit to make him appear in front of me and into Kylie’s life.
“Hey gi
rls! I’m starving.” My uncle walks through the kitchen, still dressed in his uniform, and kisses Kylie on the forehead. “Is this for me?” He teases Kylie while grabbing her spoon and pretending to eat her food.
I quickly wipe my face off on my shirt, before he has a chance to look at me. “Hey, Uncle Mark. I’m just pulling the food out of the oven now.” I walk over to the oven and pull out the lasagna. “How was work?”
He stops teasing Kylie long enough to pull out the chair beside her. “Unfortunately, it’s not over yet. Some teen punks keep causing trouble in the parking lots of the convenience stores around town. Been getting a new call about those kids about every hour. Let’s just say they’re lucky they can run fast.”
“Gotcha,” I say with a laugh. “Hey . . . just look at it his way: old men need exercise too. Don’t be too mad.” I look up to see him giving me a dark look.
“Watch it, young lady.” He turns to Kylie and pokes her nose. “Uncle Mark isn’t old. Right, baby girl?”
She shakes her head and then points at me, as if to say that I’m the old one.
“I sure feel that way, baby girl.” Pulling out a chair, I take a seat across from Mark and start making my plate.
“Any word from . . . you know . . .”
I shake my head, but keep my eyes on my plate, afraid to let Mark see how much it still hurts me. “Not a thing. Even the boys are starting to worry about him. I’m not liking it one bit.” I look up from my plate. “What if something happened to him?”
Mark shakes his head and forces a smile. “Nah . . . Royal can hold his own. Not many men are capable of taking him down. I’d worry more about him getting in trouble with the law than anything else.”
“Yeah, I suppose.”
Mark stops eating and reaches over to place his hand on mine. “Hey . . .” I look up. “Everything will work out like it’s supposed to in the end. For now you just continue to focus on yourself and that little girl. You’re everything to her. Got it? Just be patient. After Olivia passed away, Royal left once he got released from jail. No one saw or heard from him for six damn months. He has a lot to work through.”
I clear my throat and quickly wipe my wet face off. “Yeah . . . I didn’t know that. Didn’t realize that he left for that long before.”
“He’s had a rough life, Ava. I don’t blame him for being caught up in his head right now.” He clears his throat and smiles over at Kylie as she pokes his arm with her spoon. “Eat. You’re looking too thin. Don’t let stress overpower everything else good in your life.”
I nod my head and eat in silence, letting his words sink in. All there’s left to do now is to be strong for Kylie. That’s what I intend to do . . . with or without Royal.
We eat dinner and clean up, just in time for Mark to get called out to check on those teenage kids again. It’s late and the little one is getting tired.
Kylie is cuddled up in my arms on the couch and her favorite cartoon is playing on the TV, making her force her eyes to stay open. It’s a losing battle. She’ll be out in less than five minutes now.
“Hey,” Madison whispers, as she walks in the front door. She nods down at Kylie wrapped in her blanket, fluttering her eyes. “Someone looks like they had a long day.”
I rub the top of Kylie’s head and smile. “A very long one,” I say softly. “This little booger has more energy than anyone I’ve met in my life. She’s special.”
Madison tilts her head and smiles down at her. “That she is . . .” Quietly, she walks over and takes a seat beside me on the couch. “You doing okay, babe?”
I pull Kylie in tighter as she squeezes my arm in her sleep. “Yeah . . . I think so. It’s still hard, but I think time will help. This little angel keeps me busy.”
“I’m sorry,” Madison says in a soft voice. “You love Royal and I know you’re hurting really bad right now. I can see it in your everyday activity. You can’t hide it from me, sweets.” She leans in and kisses the side of my head. “Just know that I’m always here for you. Kylie is too.”
“I know.” I watch as Madison stands up from the couch. “You going out again tonight?”
She shakes her head. “No, ma’am. I’m exhausted. I hate to admit that there’s no way I’ll be able to keep up with Blaine tonight.” She lifts her brows and smiles. “I’m choosing to stay away from him so I won’t have to. Night, babe.”
“Night . . .”
Being careful not to wake Kylie, I stand up and carry her to my bed, before changing into a pair of shorts and a tank top, and crawling into my warm bed beside her.
I lay here, holding her for the longest time, not able to fall asleep, so I just close my eyes and listen to the steady rhythm of her breathing. I find that it somehow calms me at night. It’s about the only thing that keeps me sane in the middle of the night when I’m lonely and missing him.
Picking up my phone with my free hand, I send a goodnight text to Royal like I do every night, before placing my phone back on the bed beside me, and snuggling Kylie tightly in my arms.
“I love you, baby girl,” I whisper. “You’re the most precious thing in my life.” I kiss the side of her head, before snuggling up close behind her and closing my eyes. She’s so soft and warm in my arms, making me feel warm inside.
You give me peace when I feel that it’s all lost . . .
I’VE BEEN WAITING ON BAXTON for the last twenty minutes, and I’m beginning to grow impatient as fuck. I can’t be here for one second longer without losing my shit.
Four months is way too damn long. This place has kept me from the one place I want to be and I despise myself for ending up here in the first place.
Pulling out a cigarette, I light it, and start walking down the dirt path in hopes of meeting up with Baxton along the way.
He was with me that night at the bar when I landed my ass in this shitty, small town jail. He watched from the background as I beat the shit out of that no good, redneck, woman abuser. If it weren’t for him stopping me at the end, that guy would be dead, but he’s known me for years and knows how much I’ve been through after losing Olivia.
I wouldn’t have cared at that moment either. My head was still filled with rage and fucked up thoughts. His face was the stress reliever that I needed at the time, and I took it further than I should have.
Being behind bars has given me time to truly clear my head and realize what’s most important to me: Avalon.
Not a day has gone by that my chest hasn’t ached to get back to her. Thinking about getting to her had me pointlessly trying to rip the fucking bars off of my cell. All it did was fill me with more rage and want to choke whichever guard came to check on me first.
I’m out now, and there is nothing that is going to fucking keep me from getting to her. I know that I have a lot of apologizing to do and a lot to make up for, but I’m willing to do everything in my power to show her how much I love her.
That woman is my fucking life and I’m willing to give mine to her. I’m ready.
Looking up, I toss my cigarette aside when I hear an old beat up truck coming around the corner.
I would know the sound of that old thing from anywhere. He’s had it since back when we were just teenagers.
“About fucking time,” I mumble.
Baxton pokes his head out of the window and slaps his truck when he sees me walking up. “Damn dude . . . what the fuck were they feeding you in there? You’re a fucking beast. Get your crazy ass in here.”
Opening the passenger side door, I jump into his old piece of shit and slam the door shut behind me. “I’ve had a lot of frustration to work out. What the fuck took you so long, dick?”
“Is my ass ever on time?”
I run my hand over my face and hold my hand out. “Give me your phone.”
Reaching between his legs, he grabs his phone and tosses it at me, before taking off in a hurry, squealing his damn tires. “I got your truck and shit at my house. It’s gassed up and ready to hit the road, man.”
; I look up from dialing Jax’s number. “Appreciated, brother.”
Jax answers his phone on the second ring.
“Yeah,” he responds. “Make this shit quick because I got shit to do, Bax.”
“What the fuck shit do you have to do?” I say with a small smile, happy as fuck to hear his voice.
It’s silent for a moment, before I hear him walking through a crowd of people. “Fucking Royal. Fucking shit.” He slams a door shut, which I’m assuming is my office door at Savage. “You have us all worrying and shit. What the fuck are you doing there with Bax?”
“It’s a long story. Bax just picked me up from the county jail and I’m heading to my truck now.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you call one of us and let us know?” He asks, pissed as fuck. I don’t blame him. I’d be pissed too if it were him or Blaine.
I let out a long breath and lean my head back against the seat. “I needed time to clear my head. Didn’t need you guys trying to show up and visit; especially Avalon.”
“You’re damn straight my ass would’ve been there. Glad your ass is still alive. Shit.”
“I know you would have.” I pull the phone away and rub my fingers over my eyes, dreading this last part. “Is Avalon still around?”
“Yeah . . .” He pauses for a second. “She’s around. She’s been rough, but she’s pulling through. Things have changed, man.”
Feeling stressed, I pull out another cigarette and take a long drag, before slowly blowing the smoke out. “How’s that?”
“I think it’s best if you just see for yourself.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Jax.” I growl. “Is she back with my brother?”
Royal Savage Page 24
