by Lyn Lowe
He turned around, catching her hands in his. He smiled because the only other thing to do was cry, and he still couldn’t seem to manage that. “You’re not the only one.”
She kissed his hands, then his forehead. “You’re always there, aren’t you? No matter what I do, what I say, you’re always going to be waiting for me.”
He chuckled. “I don’t have much else going on at the moment.”
She slid down beside him, climbing between his arms and tugging the blanket until they shared it. Her back was pressed against his chest, and she didn’t seem to be making any attempt at his pants. Uncertainty held him in place. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m not asking you for anything, Kaie. Not tonight. Tonight, I just want to be that boy and girl on the hill.”
He tightened his arm around her waist and pressed his forehead against the back of her neck. He tried to imagine that the puff of strawberry hair was long, and smelled the way it did back then. “Okay.”
Kaie wasn’t sure when they started kissing or who initiated it. The progression was natural. It just happened. When her cool hands slid up his back, slipping his shirt up over his head, that seemed natural too. It wasn’t until all their clothing was off that he realized what was happening. He pulled away from her lips, though he couldn’t bring himself to let her go. “Ams…”
“Shh,” she admonished with a smile. “This is about you and me. The boy and the girl on our hill. You understand?”
Kaie hesitated. He did understand. But it wasn’t right. He needed to say so. Before the words made it past his lips, almost before he realized it was happening, Amorette shifted and he was inside her. Everything else stopped existing.
Fifteen
When he woke the next morning, he stared down at the girl in his arms with a numb disgust.
He wasn’t a good man. Kaie understood that. He wasn’t, even before he got Keegan killed. Ever since he let Sojun put that collar on for him. And now he’d slept with her. She deserved a husband who would give her beautiful things and beautiful babies. Anything he gave her would only turn to ash, just the same as their life before. And he knew it. Just like he knew it wasn’t his Amorette he held. Not his girl on the hill. She was never his, and was never supposed to be. But he wasn’t going to tell her any of that, because he wanted her to sleep with him again. That wasn’t how a good man would behave. And he didn’t care. That scared him a little. But not enough. Which scared him, too.
Kaie slipped his arm out from beneath her head. He considered the stream and the icy water there. But it was a long walk, and would be for nothing. He was never going to feel clean again. Instead, he wiped off the stink of sex with the tepid water they kept in the bucket and dressed in his spare set of clothing.
It was snowing.
Just a light dusting now, but the thick clouds overhead promised something more ominous for the day. Kaie watched it for a while, ignoring the cold leeching into his fingers and toes until the sound of Ren and Silvy starting a fire drew him back inside.
Amorette was awake. Their eyes met for a moment. Kaie waited for love, for desire, for something. She scowled and turned her back to him as she tugged her clothing on. She was back to punishing him. He tried to be surprised. He thought about saying something, trying to recapture the feeling of the night before. But he saw the lie of it now, and it just felt like too much effort.
He settled down in front of the fireplace. Behind him, she made noises intended to get his attention. Kaie wasn’t ready for her. He wasn’t even ready for him. It was easier dealing with arranging wood and kindling and coaxing a fire to life.
The knock on the wall brought him back to the world in a start.
Vaughan stood in the doorway, flakes of snow clinging to the his long eyelashes, looking every bit as miserable as Kaie felt.
“What are you doing here?” Kaie asked. “I thought East Field was on lock–down?”
The boy flashed the uncomfortable smile Kaie saw often. “It was. I mean, it is. I’m supposed to make sure your head is okay. Because it got hit?”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“Have to be careful,” Vaughan admonished, leaning in to examine the cut above his eye. “Head injuries can be tricky. You should quit getting them. Obviously. I mean…” The boy shook his own head, visibly casting off some of the nervousness. “I saw Peren, before coming here.”
Kaie couldn’t help but smile. “Did she call me a fairy again?”
Vaughan’s smile took on a bit more truth. “She did. Right after she told me I’m allowed to say her name.” The boy leaned in close, making it obvious that his next words weren’t meant for Amorette. “She wanted me to make sure you remember what she said yesterday.”
He sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, resisting the urge to scratch at his head. “Yeah. Tell her I remember. Tell her I haven’t stopped thinking about it. That should make her feel better.”
Amorette made an exasperated noise in the back of her throat, and then stormed out of the shack. Kaie considered going after her. They were on lock–down, and her light clothing was no protection against the chill. It didn’t really seem worth it, though. It would only mean facing her, probably fighting with her, and he just didn’t care that much. After a minute he turned back to Vaughan – who was staring at him.
“What?”
“Is she going to be okay out there?”
“It doesn’t really matter.”
“You don’t even seem to care.”
He shrugged. “Today I don’t.”
Vaughan stared for a little while longer, clearly wrestling with some comment or observation. The boy seemed to think better of sharing it.
“Are you going to tell me what you’re really doing here?”
“Spying,” Vaughan answered lowly. “I’m the only one who can come and go, and who’s got a valid excuse to be here. If anyone shows up in your house, I’m to run and get Boss Josephine. You’re terribly hurt, by the way. I’m going to need to see to your care for at least a week.”
“Oh.”
The boy took that as an invitation to launch into one of the lessons that filled most of their visits. This one was on the Urazin Empire. Kaie paid attention to Vaughan with half his mind, but the rest was weighing the life before him. “Peren told me you’ve seen Sojun,” he interrupted. “The one who took my place with Luna.”
Vaughan’s eyes fluttered, then dropped like rocks thrown into a pond. They locked on a spot in the fire and refused to budge. He sighed. “She wasn’t supposed to tell you.”
“Why not?”
“He’s not your friend anymore. Not really.” Vaughan answered slowly. “He’s her creature now.”
Kaie considered this information carefully. “I want to see him.”
The other boy shook his head. “No. You don’t. I know, whatever you want from him, you think it’s important. But he can’t give it to you.”
“Who says I want anything?”
Vaughan flashed one of his quick smiles. “Of course you do. You want to set things right. That’s who you are. Anyone who listened to you for half a minute would know that much.”
He shook his head. “There’s no setting things right. Not between us. Not anymore.”
Vaughan chewed his lower lip. “You’re right. But you don’t really believe that, do you?”
Kaie thought about it. “I don’t know. Maybe. I just want to see him. I’ll figure the rest out.”
The other boy fidgeted, rolling a stone between his fingers. Before Vaughan said anything more, Amorette returned.
Her cheeks were ruddy from the cold. He could see gooseflesh up and down her arms that she wrapped around herself for warmth. Her strawberry hair floated around her head like a halo of light. Her eyes flashed. His heart climbed up into his throat at the sight of her. Not the empty thing he held in his arms that morning, but the girl he loved returned from the dead. Just like the night before.
“Do
you love me?” she asked.
Vaughan cleared his throat and climbed to his feet. “I’ll go.”
“No,” Amorette snapped, turning her intensity on the boy. “I want you here. Sit down.”
Vaughan did as he was told. Amorette turned back to Kaie, waiting his answer as though they hadn’t been interrupted.
He answered honestly. “Sometimes.”
She didn’t react. She probably knew that already. She knew him so well. “And the others? Do you hate me those times, Kaie?”
He shook his head. “No. Only myself.”
Amorette ran her hands up and down her arms, trying to urge warmth back into her flesh. He wanted to help her. To pull her against his chest and hold her there until she was comfortable. Until she was soft and happy. But he didn’t.
“But you don’t care about me, in those times, do you?”
“No,” he admitted. “Not really.” Maybe he should leave it at that. He had the feeling it would be kinder. Now that he saw his Amorette back in her eyes, he was almost overwhelmed by the love of her. Now was one of those times and he needed her to understand. “I can’t. You only talk to me when you want something from me. Otherwise it’s just grunts and sighs. Last night was the first time you’ve really looked at me since we’ve been here. I know what all that means, and it’s not love. I don’t blame you. But every time you pull away, I hate myself. This morning, knowing what I did, I hated myself more. There’s no room in me for much else when I’m feeling that.”
“You’re going to hate me too eventually, aren’t you?”
He rubbed his eyes, wishing he didn’t need to answer. Wishing he never thought about it at all, and didn’t already know the answer. “Probably.” Unless he stopped caring, like he was trying to do.
She nodded. None of this was news to her. “There’s room for that girl when you’re busy hating yourself. Peren. Isn’t there?”
Kaie blinked. That surprised him. “What?”
“Do you love her, Kaie?”
Vaughan drew in a slow breath. Kaie tried to sort out what was unfolding. “No.”
Amorette laughed. It wasn’t the husky sound he loved so much. It was hard. Brittle. Then he understood. This was not the girl he loved after all. It wasn’t the girl with the dead eyes either. This was some other creature using her as a shell. “You will. You’ll love five women with a passion that will never leave you. I always knew I was the first. Even when we were six. But she’s supposed to be the second. That stupid, ugly girl is supposed to take away everything I want. Ruin it all.”
He swallowed hard against a host of questions that weren’t important, choosing carefully the one that was. “What have you done?”
Amorette smiled. It was lopsided and unnatural. Like something painted on. Then, slowly, she unfolded her arms and something fell to the ground. It clinked as it hit the dirt. Kaie stared down at the strange round, reflective thing without comprehension.
Vaughan was up in an instant. “That’s Peren’s mirror! What did you do to my sister?”
“Nothing,” Amorette answered. But it wasn’t her voice. It was high pitched and cracked, and it sent a chill all the way to his bones.
He and Vaughan raced to push through the blanket and into the snow. Kaie fell in behind without a word, letting the boy lead him to Peren. The snow turned against them. The light dusting was fast transforming into a real storm.
In minutes, they were cutting through fields of wheat into a group of houses both completely new and utterly familiar. They were made of the same wood, built into the hill just like on his side. There was even an identical well. But here there were those personal touches so lacking on the other side. Bright colored flowers, vegetable gardens. He could hear the faint sound of laughing children and maybe even music. Mostly, though, he heard the sound of his own breath coming in fast, short bursts.
Vaughan led them straight to a house with bright yellow flowers surrounding it, pushing through the hide without slowing. Kaie was right on his heels.
It took him a moment to take in the scene before him. Whatever he expected to find, the brute from yesterday was not part of that. Peren was collapsed in a tiny ball at the brute’s feet. She was sobbing softly.
Vaughan launched himself at the man and was tossed aside with a shake of the arm. Pulling up short just shy of the exact same thing, Kaie watched as the large man landed a kick into Peren’s back with a casual brutality. Her only response to the new abuse was to roll away. Her cries were those of a wounded animal, past awareness of what was being done to it.
Kaie was no match for the brute in a direct confrontation. Yesterday’s lesson drummed through his mind and the cut above his eye. Letting out a low breath of air, filled with a wordless prayer to any god that might be listening, he dropped his head and charged forward.
He aimed for the brute’s legs. The sole advantage in a confrontation with a man as large as this one was his center of gravity. He hit hard. The smack into the back of the man’s very solid legs made his head ring. For one awful second, Kaie thought it was going to be as ineffective as Vaughan’s attack. Then the brute toppled backwards. He rolled out of the way at the last second, avoiding being crushed by less than a breath.
The brute was swinging the instant he hit the ground. Only one blow connected as Kaie scurried out of reach, but it was enough to make his entire shoulder go numb.
The brute would only be down another second or two, and the trick wouldn’t work twice. With nothing else to do, Kaie plunged his hand into the fireplace and wrapped his fingers around the first burning log they found.
He felt the kiss of heat up along his arm, but no pain. There was no time to wonder about it. Kaie swung as hard as he could, bringing the wood down across the man’s head. There was a crack, but no shout of pain. The man just dropped back down and went limp.
Kaie dropped the log and blinked down at his hands. They were both perfectly fine. The brute was hurt. Maybe dead. And there were no burns on his hand. No marks. Only the numbness in his right shoulder.
Peren cried again. It jerked him out of the haze. He shook his head free of it, stepped around the brute, and dropped down to her side. He was afraid to touch her. “Vaughan!”
There was no need to call. The boy was right behind him. He spared Kaie the quickest of glances, then he wrapped his hands around her shoulders.
Kaie knew what Vaughan was doing. But he saw nothing. Felt nothing. The boy felt the old magics on him, but Kaie was blind to it. He could do nothing but watch and hope that something was happening.
After a few agonizing and endless minutes, the crying stopped. She didn’t open her eyes, but seemed to be sleeping rather than unconscious. Worried he might be interrupting something important, Kaie risked catching Vaughan’s eye again. “Is she okay?”
The boy glanced up for just a moment. “Yes. I couldn’t fix everything… not all at once. It took so much of the Jhoda to keep your hand safe.”
“You…” He shook his head again. Of course. “You should have saved it for her.”
Vaughan frowned and ran a finger through her blood–soaked hair. “I know.”
Kaie’s hands twitched with the same need to touch her, to be sure she was still there. But there were other things to do. “I have to go.”
Vaughan nodded once. “I know that, too.”
“Are you two going to be okay? With him?”
“Go. Set this right, Bruhani. Or I will.”
Vaughan
He stroked his sister’s hair, pressing his eyes closed and letting the tears stream down his cheeks. The Jhoda trickled through his fingers and into her. It wasn’t much. There had been no time to prepare himself for the power he’d channeled to protect Kaie’s hand. He was afraid to risk using too much again, even for this. Especially when he was so eager to reach out and smite everyone on the Autumnsong estate. Opening himself up to that much power now, when his emotions were bubbling unchecked on the surface, would burn him out. He’d destroy himself, a
nd her.
She stirred, her eyes blinking open. They were clouded for a moment. Fear – that she’d been blinded or her mind damaged – shot through him and stilled his fingers. “Auny?”
Vaughan forced himself to breathe. He tried to summon up a smile, something like the brilliant ones Kaie always had for them, but could not manage. “I’m here Peren.”
A cracked sob burst out of her. Her hands became claws as they wrapped around his shirt. She clung to him as though he was all that anchored her to consciousness. “I thought I was going to die.”
The terror he heard in her voice was like a hot poker shoved all the way through him. It was his job to protect her. He’d let himself get caught up in the intoxicating effects of Kaie’s power, to be swept away by the pull of the man. This was his fault.
“I’m not ready,” she sobbed. “Not ready yet. There’s so much I have to do, and I just…”
Peren buried her face in his chest and cried. Vaughan ground his teeth as he stroked her, his hatred seething and his control slipping. “You’re not going to die,” he managed to choke out. “I promise. You’re going to be okay.”
She pulled away, knocking his hands aside, and looked up at him. The cloudy film over her eyes was gone. “You saved me,” she whispered. Peren touched his cheek and gave him the most genuine smile he’s seen in years. It cooled the worst of his anger’s heat, but it could not abate the fire. “You and Kaie. My shining warriors.”
He scoffed, biting back the furious words.
Peren heard them anyway. She knew him too well. There was disapproval on her bruised face. “The only thing either of you are responsible for is saving my life. I won’t have you thinking otherwise.”
Vaughan glared at her, the way he always did when she was being obnoxious and stubborn. He couldn’t hold on to the expression, though. She didn’t deserve his impatience. She’d been on the edge of death when he’d finally managed to start healing her. He had felt the blood in her lungs through the Jhoda. If he’d been just a few minutes longer in getting to her, she would have drowned in it. He’d seen it happen to others more times than he cared to think about, and knew how fragile life was in those moments. After returning from that, and enduring the beating that had put her in such a place, Peren should have better than the worst of him. He was supposed to be a better brother than that.
