by Lyn Lowe
“How long since…?”
“Six days.” It felt like longer. It felt like forever. “Are you really okay?”
Kaie thought about it. Thought about reaching into the fire and swinging the log. The crack as it connected. The way the man slumped down. The way Amorette cackled. The way her blood felt as it trickled through his fingers. “No.”
She laughed again. It didn’t sound happy. “No. You’re not. You wanted to go back out into the storm and I stopped you.”
His brows knit. “You knew?”
“Yes. I’m not letting you give up.” She stared up at him, and Kaie saw the tears still waiting there. He cringed. So much damage. All because of him. “Do you hate me?”
He shook his head. “Not you.” Kaie wondered if he was going to be hearing that question for the rest of his life. He looked down at his hands, a little surprised to find them clean of any blood. They should be stained. “What did I miss?”
“A lot of snow. A few of the kids are fighting with balls of it. I was watching them while Vaughan was checking on you. It looks like fun.”
Kaie discovered he was smiling. Imagining her out there throwing snow balls at little children was funny. Her choosing that to share was funnier. “You should play.”
She was up in an instant, managing not to hit him a single time. She tugged her shirt, straightening out some wrinkles, and then held out her hand. “You’re coming with me.”
Kaie hunched his shoulders up nearly to his ears, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m okay.”
She rolled her eyes, a smile dancing on her lips. “You told me that already. Come on. Throw handfuls of snow at small children with me.”
He snickered. He couldn’t help it. “Go,” he urged. “Have fun. I’ll be here.”
She shook her head and grabbed one of his hands, tugging until he unfolded and stood up. “You’ll be out there. I’m not going without you.”
She dragged him forward. He didn’t want to go outside, to play in the snow. Just thinking about it filled him with dread. But he owed her. So much. He couldn’t say no.
It was worse. As bad as he expected it to be, the reality was worse. All that snow. Pristine white drifts. In the corner of his eye, he saw dark red spreading across it. But when he turned to look it was still just white. Kaie sucked in one sharp breath. Two. His body tensed, ready to run back inside. He stumbled. He was going to fall in the snow. He was going to feel that awful chill deep in his chest, and then he would be back in that moment. He belonged in that moment. The pain was worst there.
Something cold and wet smacked him in the face. Kaie gasped and wiped it away. Peren was laughing. And then, for no reason he could think of, Kaie was too.
Nineteen
They were building something around him. His mother and father. The people of the village. Samuel the brute. He was lying in a pile of branches and they were each coming up with another armful. He tried to call out to them. He couldn’t talk. Nothing came out of his mouth but a ragged burst of air.
Bit by bit, they built it around him. He tried to climb off but he couldn’t move at all. Not until they were all finished adding their part. Not until it was done. Then all the others faded back and two new figures stepped forward. Kaie sat up, leaning close. He squinted, trying to see who they were.
They were in front of him in an instant. Holding hands. Looking so perfect, just like they did that day on the hill. Amorette and Sojun. This time, when he tried to speak, it worked. “You’re here!”
Sojun laughed. Warm and hearty. The sound of childhood. “We wouldn’t miss, this Rosy.”
He frowned. Confused. “What is this?”
Amorette laughed. Cold and brittle. He cringed. The color drained away from the world. “Can’t you tell, Bruhani? This is where you belong.”
The pile of sticks burst into flames. As the heat climbed up, as his skin bubbled and split, he understood. It was his pyre.
***
The scream tore through him. He jerked up, sobbing. He was not burning. The fire was beside him, and he was on the ground. Not a pyre. Where was Peren? She was always next to him.
“Kaie?” She was beside him in an instant. He wrapped her up in his arms and buried his face in her hair. An anchor, holding him there against the current pulling him back into the nightmare. Her small hands rubbed his back while he battled against the sobs. Slowly, the dream faded and the terror released its grip.
When he was able to lie down again, she draped the blanket over him. For a moment he felt her indecision. It was him taking her hands this time. Her head tilted, and the question on her lips was so obvious he could see it coming even in the dark. But she never asked. Instead she slid down under the blanket.
It was strange, holding her. It didn’t seem right, taking any kind of comfort after everything he did.
“Will you tell me what happened? Before Vaughan and I got here?”
He didn’t know he was going to ask until the questions were already out. He expected Peren to stiffen and pull away. But the girl in his arms now was not the same as the one he had held before. All she did was squeeze his hand. “Are you sure?”
He nodded. “I need to know.”
“Because you loved her?”
“Because sometimes I didn’t,” he answered. “And I need to know which one was right.”
Peren was quiet just long enough to make him worry she was upset. But when she spoke, her voice showed no sign of any emotion at all. “She was very angry. I didn’t understand why. She kept saying I was ruining everything. When I asked what I was doing to ruin things, she hit me.”
Kaie cringed.
“After that, she calmed down. She said that she would only let you go if I paid for you.”
He cringed again, hearing the words echo in his head. “So you gave her your mirror.”
Peren tilted her head in its spot on his shoulder until she could look into his eyes. Kaie met her gaze reluctantly. The pain he expected wasn’t there, though. All he saw was concern. “Not at first. I said she could have anything. She made me tell her about everything.”
He let out a slow breath of air, wondering what he did to warrant such an offer from a girl who he knew so little about. He wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer. “She didn’t want the tangerine, huh?”
Peren smiled. “I was surprised, too.”
“It was your mirror.”
“My mother’s mirror,” she confirmed. “I told Amorette it was the only thing Vaughan and I had left of her. Then she laughed and said it was a start.”
Kaie couldn’t stand looking at her any more. Bad enough when it was just a pretty trinket. “I’ll get you another. It won’t be enough, I know. But I’ll get you another.”
He could feel her chuckling into his shoulder. “Will you buy it with your smile?”
“I’ll figure something out. I promise.”
“You’re very sweet,” Peren said. “But there’s no use worrying about it. It was just an object. The only value was what I decided to give to it.”
“It was your mother’s.”
“I decided its value was you being safe from her. I think my mother would approve.”
Kaie shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it.”
She stuck out her tongue. “You’re here. Walking and talking. That means I get to decide, and I say it was.”
He wanted to argue more, because she was wrong. But the way she was looking at him, like his presence set everything right, Kaie couldn’t bring himself to take that from her. “And Samuel? What was he doing here? Who was he? I know he was Luna’s. I saw him, the day before…”
A cloud passed over Peren’s face. Her eyes left his and drifted over to the fire. “Yes, he was Lady Luna’s.”
“But he didn’t have a collar. At least, I didn’t see one.”
“Lady Luna has plenty of experiments. The collar is just her favorite. Samuel wasn’t. I don’t know what she did to him. But everyone knows he doesn’t talk. He
was practically a Hollow. I’d believe he was one, Jhoda or no, except that he hurt people. Even when there was no one telling him to. He liked hurting them, I think. Especially girls.”
“Why would someone like that be with Amorette?”
Peren shrugged. When she said nothing for several minutes, Kaie realized she wasn’t going to elaborate. Maybe she couldn’t. He didn’t want to ask the next question. It wasn’t one that would rest though. “Why did he hurt you? He was with her, and you gave her what she wanted.”
“I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Said what?”
“He was there from the beginning. He came in with her. I asked her about him, and she said something about a deal with Lady Luna. I didn’t really understand. But he was going to leave with her.” He waited. She sighed. “I was worried. He worried me. I told her that if I was paying, you were mine. And that meant she couldn’t hurt you.”
Kaie groaned. He could see all of it. Spinning through his head like a horrible play, determined to make him suffer for every blow she took. “Why? Why do good people keep getting hurt to protect me?”
The chuckle came from somewhere deep in Peren’s throat. “You really don’t know the effect you have on the rest of us, do you?”
“I don’t do anything.”
“You do.” Something in the fire shifted, sending up a rain of sparks. The light played off her angles, giving him a glimpse of something truly beautiful. “You give us hope, Kaie. Just being near you. Something about you helps us all remember what we used to be. What we could be again. My brother thinks it’s something about the way you channel the Jhoda. I think it’s just who you are.”
“Must be why I’m so popular.”
She laughed again. Even now, especially now, it was nice to hear. “Exactly. Even the Mistress likes you.”
It came out before he could stop it. “Amorette didn’t.”
“Not everyone can stand remembering,” she murmured, her fingers tracing a pattern onto his chest. “Some people need to believe that what they’ve become is all they could ever be. That’s not your fault. Not even if you want it to be.”
They lapsed into silence after that. Kaie didn’t want to listen to her find all the different ways to convince him he wasn’t to blame. She believed it. He knew that. But he also knew better. Sleep was threatening. She was still tracing that pattern on his chest. It was strange and relaxing, in equal parts. Just like everything else about her.
“You want to see Sojun, don’t you?”
“Mmhmm,” he replied, half asleep already.
“He won’t help you figure out if which was right.”
“I know,” Kaie admitted. “But I have to tell him anyway.”
“I’ll talk to my brother.” Her voice was just a whisper. He wasn’t certain he heard it at all. It might have been the beginnings of another dream. “You’ll get your chance. I promise.”
Vaughan
“He needs to see his friend.”
Vaughan sighed and rubbed at his eyes. He felt like he’d aged decades in the last few days, waiting for the consequences of what they’d done to fall down around them. Only he seemed to realize it was coming, and that made it worse. Watching Peren and Kaie playing house tore at him. He knew that it was to help Kaie heal – maybe to help them both heal – but it left him alone in his dread. If Peren could just pretend she cared about what came next, it might help. He was so tired of carrying the burden of it for them.
“No he doesn’t. Trust me. He thinks he wants to, because he doesn’t understand that his friend doesn’t exist anymore. What he needs is to be happy with the memories and move on. Isn’t that what you told me you’d help him with?”
Peren scowled at him from beneath the curtain of her hair. He could feel the disapproval radiating off her. It was hard not caving in to that. He’d never been any good at saying no. He wanted her happy, even when he was furious with her. And he wasn’t mad now. Not really. He had to remind himself of that a lot lately, but he knew it wasn’t her fault they were in trouble. He was just worried and jealous. Giving her what she was asking wouldn’t make her happy, though. Kaie was still fragile. Vaughan saw it every time he visited. A meeting with the thing that used to be Sojun could’ve broken the man when he was the strong, vibrant Bruhani Vaughan had first met. If Kaie fell to pieces again, Peren would be devastated.
“I need you to trust me. Inviting that into our lives is not what any of us needs. Not ever, but especially not now. He needs to let his past go, Peren.”
“He can’t,” she stated. The disappointment in her voice was so thick that he’d no doubt she’d put it there for him to hear it. She wanted him to know that he was letting her down. “Don’t you see that? He betrayed the boy he considers his brother. He can’t move on until he confesses it.”
“He’s confessed it to you. He can confess it to me, if it’ll help. But that brother isn’t there to hear it anymore. Better to convince him Sojun is dead and find a way to make amends. One that doesn’t involve talking to what lives in the boy’s corpse.”
She shook her head and caught his hand. Vaughan almost groaned. He knew this trick. Next, she would press his palm to her cheek. Soon after, he’d feel her lip tremble. Peren was always honest. Brutally so, at times. But she’d found ways to use that honesty to jerk him around like a puppet on strings long ago. He hated it, and hated more how well it always worked.
“If it was me,” she said in the voice she intended to sound thoughtful, but he knew meant she was trying to guide him to some truth she felt he needed, “what would you need? If you’d betrayed me in some way, would you be able to let it go? Could you just make amends and move on without speaking to me, even if everyone told you my soul was gone? Do you think you’d be content taking their word on it? I don’t think I would. I’m pretty sure I’d have to see for myself, to try no matter what anyone said. But you do like to tell me I’m far too stubborn. So maybe it’s just that. What do you think, Auny? Are we just too stubborn?”
He set his jaw, irritated and feeling far too much of the guilt he’d promised himself he would be immune to this time. Peren lifted his hand up to her cheek. He felt the quiver of her lower lip brush against his palm.
Vaughan sighed. She always won. It was the second worst thing about her. The first was that, with just his sigh, she knew it. She dropped his hand and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing him tight. Her knee collided with his thigh, barely missing his groin, but she didn’t notice. She never noticed.
“It’s not going to be as simple as that, you know,” he muttered.
“You’re exempt from the lock–down.” She said it as though that settled the matter.
He pulled away from her hug, taking care of her limbs this time, and shook his head. “I’m not talking about the lock–down. Sojun is Lady Luna’s favorite. Even before all this, she never left me alone with him. I doubt there’s any chance she’ll make an exception now. If she gets any hint that Kaie wants to see him this much, you know she’ll use it to hurt all of us. I’m not sure I know how to make it happen, and I have no idea what the cost might be.”
“Whatever it is,” Peren said resolutely, shaking her head to get her curtain of hair back in place, “we’ll pay it. If it helps him, it’s worth it.”
Vaughan nodded. He wasn’t nearly so certain of that.
***
He chewed on the corner of his lip and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He was certain Peter knew he was there, even if the man had not given the slightest indication of it. As far as Vaughan could tell, the Lord Autumnsong missed nothing. He also knew that he was pushing the boundaries of their arrangement, coming to see the man now. He’d never dared anything like this before, and was worried it was the first step in becoming another story people would whisper to the next man to climb into Peter’s bed. He was hoping that waiting patiently for his lord to finish and acknowledge him would soften the lord’s inevitable irritation with the interruption.
/> Vaughan had devoted more hours than he could ever count trying to figure out what the paperwork Peter spent so much time on might be about, but he was no closer to understanding now than ever before. The only thing he was sure of was that the stack of papers on the man’s desk was endless. That, and that the lord was far more interested in it than him. It felt like he’d stood in his spot for hours when Peter finally set down his quill and turned to face him. “I did not send for you.”
“No, my Lord.” Vaughan cleared his throat. “I, uh, was hoping that I could ask you for a favor.”
Peter’s head tilted and his lips turned down. Vaughan’s stomach went with them. The Lord Autumnsong had done him – or Peren, really – many favors over the years, but Vaughan had never asked for them. Peter had declared a wish to reward him, and he had provided a means to do so. This was unprecedented, and he had no idea what would come of it. If he was really lucky, it wouldn’t be a hanging.
“Ask.”
Vaughan took a deep breath. “My lord, I would like to speak with your cousin’s newest project.”
Peter’s frown deepened. The Lord Autumnsong was not a handsome man. His dark hair and watery eyes often made him look weak and washed–out. But there was a hardness that lurked beneath. Vaughan saw it often. It was what had brought him here, risking everything that made his life on the Autumnsong estate bearable, on the chance that Peter was strong enough to set himself directly against the Lady Luna.
“I recall it was with the red–haired one she wanted when she acquired it. The one who is responsible for the lock–down. Is he why you are here? Does he want to see it?”
“Yes, my lord.”
“He has already drawn you and your sister into a great deal of trouble, Vaughan. Perhaps more than I will be able to get you out of, should I decide to intervene on your behalf. Why do you seek to deepen the hole you find yourself in? Is he worth so much to you?”
He wrung his hands and dropped his eyes. There was accusation lurking in the watery gaze, and he found that he couldn’t face it. Unable to get words out around a growing lump in his throat, Vaughan only nodded.
