The tension Karol thought she’d imagined became real and stretched thin. “I just don’t think it’s wise, Karol. The Thorntons are nice enough. I mean, we sold our house to them. You don’t know those people, though. Not really. And that Fallon Gray? She’s questionable theologically. Have you read any of her books? They’re self-help, I’ve heard—”
“She’s a believer, Hope. Better than that, she’s a friend. She’s even asked to take a look at some of my writing. I doubt that I’ll show it to her, but it’s nice that she’s interested.”
The conversation went on like that, back and forth with Hope expressing concern that Karol was losing her foundations, both as a Christian and a mother and Karol countering that the opposite was happening—she was being rooted and grounded all over again.
“None of this sounds like you, that’s all I’m saying. It’s not just me saying it, either. Everyone says so.”
Tires squealed in Karol’s mind. “Everyone? Who is everyone? Are you talking to people about me behind my back?”
Hope cleared her throat. “I’m just concerned for you, okay? I made a few calls after people contacted me asking if things were all right. They said you all have missed a few services and that you’re hanging out with a different crowd, wearing a lot of makeup…? They say that Ryan is changing his behavior, his hair. Dressing differently. Reading different books—”
“And that’s a crime?” This was rich, really rich. This wasn’t their first disagreement, but Hope had never seemed so…controlling.
“No, it’s not a crime, but it can lead to so many dangerous things. Look at all the other couples in the church who divorced, the children who have gone astray. You don’t want that, Karol, I know you don’t.”
She didn’t want that, but she certainly didn’t want a house full of robots. Karol wanted her children to have a living, active faith that could endure the real world, a faith that belonged to them instead of being borrowed from her. “I don’t want any of those things, Hope. You’re right about that. I’m scared to death that my marriage might fail or my kids might grow up and make bad choices, but you know what? More and more I’m coming to see that life isn’t safe. Even life in Christ.
“And for the record, I’d appreciate if you or any other anonymous people who care so much about me, would let me know your concerns directly instead of holding a powwow about the spiritual condition of my family.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do now, Karol, come to you. That’s why I called. I thought that this might have been tied to, you know, that problem you and Rob were having a while back. Since I’m not there for us to talk about it, I thought maybe you’d let it get the best of you again. Brent Waverly is counseling anyone at the church for free now. I talked to him a little about the situation and he said—”
“What?” Karol felt faint. Rob played golf with Brent Waverly. He and his wife had been to their house for dinner.
“Oh, it’s fine. He said that Internet pornography is a huge problem. He’s seeing half the families in the church about it.”
Karol swallowed. Hard. “Hope, I love you, but you were totally out of line. I still don’t know that Rob ever looked at anything. The site I saw was an Internet pornography addiction support site for Christian men. Rob said that he was there on an accountability thread for a friend—”
“Come on, Karol. Don’t be obtuse.”
Since when was this a geometry lesson? “I’m not being obtuse. Or concave or whatever else you think. I asked my husband about it and that’s what he said. Yes, I let my fears run away with me, for a long time. I can see now that it’s affected every part of my relationships with my family. That was my fault. In the end, there’s nothing I can do but trust God. Rob is a grown man. If something was going on, at least he was getting some help,” Karol said, her heart racing. Though her words came out articulate and confident, she was anything but. This conversation brought all her old insecurities crashing down on her again.
“I’m praying for you, Karol. I’m sorry that you’re angry at me. Maybe I did go too far—”
“You did.”
“Right, well I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that this changes things between us much more than your moving did. I guess Ryan was right.”
“About what?”
It’s time for us to figure out what works for our family.
“Nothing. I’ll talk to you soon, Hope.”
“We’re still on for Ryan’s birthday, right? And you’re coming here? For Eden and Mia’s birthdays? I was going to tell the children next week for sure.”
Karol closed her eyes. “Don’t. I’m not sure what we’re doing.”
“No? I thought we decided on the beach.” Hope’s voice was trembling.
“You decided on the beach. I haven’t decided anything. Gotta run. Kiss the kids for me.”
For a long time after the phone line went dead, Karol stood in her kitchen holding the receiver. She wrapped a hand around to her back, grasping at her T-shirt for the invisible knife she felt cutting into her soul. She’d seen a side of herself today that surprised her. She’d seen a side of Hope today that scared her. That hurt her.
What hurt worse was knowing that she’d put the knife into Hope’s hands with her endless droning about every problem in her life. Some things, she realized, weren’t safe to tell. Another thought stabbed at her mind. If Hope had thought nothing of calling up people from the church and telling them about Karol’s problems, surely she’d told Singh, her husband’s best friend. Though Rob might have told Singh anyway, she hated to think what Singh would think of her now, spreading their family’s problems all over the church….
Her hand moved back to her belly, moving up until it rested just over her heart. The phone made a loud beeping sound, forcing her to turn it off. When she did, Karol heard the sound that wounded her most of all—Rob’s boots against the hall floor.
He’d probably heard it all.
To-Do
Reconsider baby plan!
Order Ryan a Montblanc pen
Finalize Fallon’s church engagements
Talk to Fallon about the mess in the kitchen. Be diplomatic.
Go to church.
Call my father—maybe
—Dyanne
After a week of watching Karol’s children
Chapter Eleven
“You’re playing right into his hands, you know.”
Dyanne looked at Fallon with the usual confusion, trying to figure out whose hands she was playing into. She’d come down to the kitchen to talk to Fallon about all the mess she and Judah had been making in the kitchen and somehow gotten sucked into helping make apple bacon omelets, which, despite their disgusting beginnings, tasted exquisite. “I’m playing right into whose hands? Neal’s? Or yours?”
Fallon scraped the edges of the pan while Dyanne started on the dishes. She folded another omelet over neatly before waving the spatula in the air. “Don’t try those evasion techniques with me, Dee. You know just what I mean. You were crazy for a baby when I got here and Neal messed with your mind a little bit and you folded like a card table.”
Dyanne rolled her eyes. Fallon was fun but she oversimplified things. Very complicated things. “He’s just not ready for children. I’m figuring out that I’m not, either. When those children leave every afternoon, we’re all exhausted. The kitchen is a mess, the yard is full of stuff and I’m more concerned about what I can teach Ryan next—or learn from him—than I am about doing my job. No, the Baby Project is definitely on hold. It’s for the best.”
The fluffy eggs lifted right off the pan. Fallon managed to bring them to the plate safely before she broke out in a fit of laughter, one of many things about Fallon that rubbed Dyanne the wrong way.
“Please don’t laugh at me. I’m serious.”
Fallon lifted a goblet of spinach-mango juice to her lips as though she were swallowing the humor down her throat. “I’m not laughing at you, baby. I’m laug
hing with you. You finally gave up on your proposal, huh? He showed it to me, you know. If I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t have believed it, but I know you meant every word just as much as you meant what you just said. I see where you’re going with it now. Surrender is a powerful thing. That’s something God can work with. I hope that baby likes mangoes. Drink up, now. You left half of your juice yesterday.”
Did this woman ever listen to anything but her own crazy self? “Do you hear anything I’m saying, Fallon? No babies now. None. Let’s get this food done and get upstairs and get you back to work. Yesterday’s pages were decent. We can make some progress today if you actually listen to me.”
She laughed. “Oh, I’m listening, baby. All I’m saying is, when love calls, you better answer….” With that and a few swirls of her hips, the table was set and the day started.
Dyanne wasted no time in taking her seat and starting to eat. Neal had risen hours ago and was now probably miles into his long run. With their afternoons now full of children, mornings were tight, especially with the new Bible study Neal had added to their schedules. A Brave Surrender: Letting God Reign through the Book of Romans was one of the titles in her new life, but Dyanne hadn’t planned to actually read that one word for word. A good skim would give her a feel for the market. It was just a product, after all. Or at least that’s what she had thought until with apple and provolone mingling her mouth, Dyanne realized that she’d just done the first assignment in the book—surrender the biggest area of disappointment in your life to God and tell someone.
Hmm…maybe there was something to all of this after all.
After a long day and an even longer night, Neal’s arms were the only place Dyanne wanted to be. The crickets in Tallahassee had driven her crazy when they’d first moved in, but tonight they sounded like music.
“I missed you today,” Neal said, twining his fingers in her hair.
Dyanne could see his smile in the moonlight. She added one of her own. “I missed you, too. It’s funny, I never thought I’d miss you when we were in the same place.”
Neal nodded. “I guess it’s like that when you have children. You’re together, but not, you know? It’s kind of sexy, though.” He kissed the nape of her neck.
“Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t you start that up again. I’m over the baby thing. Fallon told me this morning that you were playing mind games on me and I was falling for it, but I didn’t even take that bait. So don’t go talking about how it’s sexy and—”
“Fallon was right.”
That killed the mood. Dyanne pulled the sheet tight around her and sat up in the bed. “What?”
“I didn’t mean to do it, but maybe I subconsciously thought that if we spent enough time with these kids you’d see how wrong you were about having kids.”
Dyanne loosened her grip on the sheet a little. “Well, I don’t like how you went about it, but it worked. I mean that little Mia is cute but she’s nothing like what I had in mind. I wanted a tea party not a locker room. The two of you tracked mud all over the porch yesterday. And Judah? Sweet but the poor child can’t aim a lick in the bathroom. Did you know I had to throw out my shampoo? Ryan’s a dream, but he was born first so I think one’s enough. Not now, though. Definitely not now.”
Her husband put the pillow over his head. He sighed as if someone had deflated him. “I figured you’d say that. I mean I said it first. Even got mad at you about that stupid van.”
“Wait a minute. What are you saying?” Dyanne pulled the pillow away from his face. “Did you somehow change your mind? You didn’t, did you? This is my surrender, you big dope! You know, from the book? I’m really trying here.”
Neal blew out a breath. “I know that. Don’t you think I know that? I thought I had this all figured out.” From the look on his face, Dyanne could see that this was probably her husband’s surrender, as well.
Okay, God. This is just too much. Make up Your mind. And his, too.
“And then what? You had it figured out and then what? What happened?”
He laced his fingers with hers. “God happened. I thought that being with those kids every day would make you not want to be a mother anymore. I didn’t count on those kids making me want to be a dad. I know it’s just because the kids are around. When this whole thing is over with Karol, I’ll be fine.”
“You’d better be.”
“I will. In the meantime, let’s get out some of those parenting books for the new line and try them on the kids. By the time Karol is ready to be their mom again, they’ll be so well behaved she won’t even recognize them.”
Oh, great. More work. “Okay, but only if you promise that you won’t go down the baby road again without me. It was hard enough to recover from my last attempt to stroll down baby lane.”
Neal leaned in to kiss her, but she held out a hand in front of her. He shook it. “I promise. Now come here…”
For a second, Dyanne stiffened. Though the doctor assured her that she wouldn’t get pregnant, with Neal talking about babies she wasn’t sure she wanted to take the risk of getting pregnant. At least not until she heard the song playing on the other side of the wall.
“That’s one sharp intern you’ve got there, Dyanne.”
Almost too stunned to answer, Dyanne managed a response. “Thank you, Mr. Chaise. It’s both a pleasure and a surprise to hear from you.”
He chuckled. “Oh, cut the act, Dyanne. You don’t have to be so tight with me. Not that I don’t appreciate it. People are so casual these days. Anyway, I called earlier and talked to Ryan. I was disappointed at first that you were tied up, but boy, that kid is something. Where’d you find him? I got more out of him than all the focus groups in the world.”
Dyanne tried to breathe. Tied up? Earlier today she’d been right here…asleep. After finalizing Fallon’s tour, rising early to transcribe another chapter of the book and making snacks for the kids, she’d sat down to show Ryan how to do a press release and woke up three hours later to the smell of dinner. Ryan had left a nice note, but made no mention of a call from the publisher himself. Now she didn’t know how to tell her boss that the “intern” he was so enamored with was a ten-year-old neighbor boy whose publishing experience consisted of correcting his mother’s unpublished manuscripts and reading. Lots of reading. She told him anyway. There were times for spin, but this wasn’t one of them.
Her boss already knew. “I know! Ten years old. Isn’t it amazing? The kid’s a sponge. Your neighbor’s boy, right? I wasn’t so sure about you moving south but I have to say that like everything else you do, it was genius! You may have identified the next publishing giant. Did you know that he loves Tolstoy? Can you believe it? A kid that age…”
Dyanne could believe it. Now that she’d had the chance to spend so much time with Ryan, his love of the classics didn’t catch her so off guard, but even now sometimes when he quoted some rare text or spoke in Latin, her breath caught in her throat. What she couldn’t believe was that one of the biggest men in publishing could be moved by it, too. Maybe too moved. Shouldn’t a call to her actually have something to do with, well, her?
Still, the kid had covered for her. For that, she was thankful. “He’s amazing, that’s for sure. He has great insight into the Christian market—”
“About that. I think we’re going about this all the wrong way.”
“What do you mean?”
“When we established the African American line, we hired black staff. For educational products, we hire curriculum specialists. Why not get some pastors and everyday Christian folk on board with the line? Your father would be good. He’s got a great sense of humor. I remember that book he did for us years ago. I’m thinking of bringing back into print if he’s willing to work with us. What do you think?”
She groped for words, but found none. The silence stretched between them.
“Are you still there?” Mr. Chaise asked in a grim voice. He obviously wasn’t used to his questions going unanswered.
Dyann
e was still there, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to be. Working with Fallon was one thing, but her father? “I’m here. Just a lot to take in. I doubt Dad would have the time, but I’ll give him a call.”
“Sounds crazy I know, but I’ve learned that I can teach a person about books, but I can’t teach passion. That little boy today had passion. Your father has it, too. Get me more of that, Dyanne.” His voice went down a little. “And take care of Fallon, okay. Take good care of her. I’m looking forward to this book. Personally, I mean. Call me when your father is on board. We’ll see who else he suggests.”
“Sure. I’m looking forward to Fallon’s book—and I’m sure Dad will be honored that you thought of him. I don’t know if he’ll want to take the position, though—I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for calling. We’ll get right to work. Goodbye.”
Dyanne put down the phone and took a deep breath. She’d been kidding when she sometimes referred to the Christian line as the great adventure, but it was turning out to be true to its name. And then some.
She walked out on the porch where Fallon and Neal were nodding off. Having had her own unplanned nap earlier, Dyanne didn’t wake them. There was something about the heat down here and a full stomach that just lulled a person in. And they’d both been up early.
Instead she waved to Ryan and his mother, taking a walk around the edge of their property. They were laughing when they stopped to wave, but Karol’s face looked troubled. Worried. Ryan, however, looked relieved.
Even at the age of ten, he’d mastered the contradiction of male-female relationships. If only she and Neal could do the same.
Mending Places
Carved out of my best intentions
Piled high with the broken pieces
Of our best love. There is no
Mom's the Word Page 11
