I was still about a block from the crosswalk when I saw a giant banana running toward me on the sidewalk.
“Perry!” the banana screamed at me. “Today’s the day!”
As soon as the banana spoke I realized it was Derby. For some reason he was wearing a bunch of yellow clothes and a triangle-shaped yellow hat.
“Hi, Derby,” I said. And then I didn’t know what else to say. Because he looked so happy. And if he knew what I knew, he’d look destroyed and miserable.
“Aren’t you going to wish me good luck?” he asked, breathing super hard.
I took a deep breath. “Good luck.”
And then Derby Esposito sped off full of hope. Toward the school. Toward his fate. Toward total loserville.
When I walked into Yearbook, Venice and Leo were already there, looking at the updated schedule. This didn’t surprise me too much, because their bus driver, Mr. Whitaker, basically drove like a speed demon. I waved at them and they waved back. Then I started walking toward them.
I really didn’t want to talk to Leo. I just wanted to have a conversation with my best friend. But since they were holding hands that seemed impossible.
“Have you seen the schedule?” Venice asked me. “We take faculty photos on Monday at lunch.”
Wow. Our first free lunch after serving a week’s detention and we had to spend it in the faculty lounge working. I mean, I liked taking pictures. But I also liked eating lunch with Venice and talking about my life.
“Nice shoes,” Leo said, pointing to my gold-glitter slip-ons. “They match.”
What a weird thing to tell me. Of course they did. They were shoes. But I tried to respond politely. “Leo, all my shoes match. I’m normal.”
This made Venice and Leo laugh. Which felt rude. Because I was stating a personal fact.
“He meant they match my shoes,” Venice said, twisting her feet, showing off her silver-glitter slip-ons.
“Did you plan that?” Leo asked.
Then I felt bad. Because, in fact, Venice and I had planned that. Because we’d wanted to wear matching outfits for our last day of detention. Nothing too matchy-matchy, because that would be weird. So she’d worn her soft-pink dress and silver-glitter slip-on shoes and I’d worn my bright-mulberry dress over tights with gold-glitter slip-ons. The dresses weren’t identical. Mine had much deeper pockets and hers was longer. But wearing them made us feel very close. Like sisters.
When I’d put on my dress this morning I’d totally forgotten about its extra meaning. I was way too distracted about meeting Javier at the tree.
“We totally planned it!” Venice cheered. Then she gave me a quick hug.
“Luke, Eli, Javier, and I never talk about what we’re going to wear. I mean, except when we play soccer. If we need to wear pants instead of shorts. If it’s cold,” Leo said.
It was really hard for me to even pay attention to Leo when he said boring things like this. Venice and I had very interesting lives and always had a million things to tell each other. We rarely talked about the weather.
Leo gestured back to the schedule. “He’s going full throttle. Clubs get shot next week. So do teacher portraits. And What’s Hot is set for next Saturday.”
All three of us stared at the whiteboard. Javier had arrived early to copy the dates from his paper schedule to our class one.
“It’s going to be crazy,” Venice said.
Then I heard a whooshing sound. Venice must’ve heard it too, because her face changed. She went from looking just fine to looking annoyed in an instant. I knew what that meant. Anya O’Shea was standing behind me. Because she was such a skunk, it would’ve made sense that I’d be able to smell Anya whenever she approached. But she smelled totally normal. It was only on the inside that Anya was an odorous person.
“Speaking of crazy,” Anya said. “Did you hear who won the What’s Hot section?”
Venice kept her back turned toward Anya. “Winners aren’t announced until last period.” Venice’s voice sounded crisp and angry. Which wasn’t like Venice’s usual voice at all.
“Yeah,” Leo said. He loved agreeing with Venice.
“Well,” Anya said. “I know who won.”
Finally, we all turned around to face Anya. She was smirking and looked totally happy.
“Derby lost,” Anya said.
And I wasn’t totally surprised that she spat out the news like that.
“None of us should be that surprised. What’s Hot focuses on people who are going to matter a ton. Derby barely matters at all.”
I could see Venice’s face fall in disappointment. Leo put his arm around her and gave her a quick hug.
“You’re such a snob,” Leo said.
“Whatever,” Anya said. “I’m awesome.”
Then she turned and walked off to talk to Sailor and Sabrina.
Normally, we would have had a big discussion about how awful Anya was, but instead the bell rang and Ms. Kenny shut the door.
“Class,” she said. “We are back on track.”
“Woot!” Javier cheered.
“Grab your folders and get to work,” Ms. Kenny said. “Javier has given us all a list of daily, weekly, and monthly goals.”
Wow. When did he even have time to do that? Didn’t Javier believe in sleeping? Didn’t he ever watch TV or play video games?
“If you’ve got any questions about your tasks, please see me or Javier. We’re in the clear. Consider our schedule fixed.”
We all moved toward the folders and quickly grabbed them.
“Javier gave me twenty-six tasks,” Venice said, sounding frightened.
“Don’t worry,” Leo said. “I’ll help you. He only gave me eight.”
“Does Javier hate me?” I asked. “He gave me thirty-seven tasks.”
“He did not!” Venice groaned, grabbing a peek at my folder.
“Most of them are taking photos and writing captions,” I said. “But it feels like a lot.”
“That is a lot,” Leo said. “But I know Javier doesn’t hate you. He thinks you’re super talented.”
“Don’t freak out,” Venice said.
But it was hard not to do that.
“Should I talk to Ms. Kenny?” I asked.
“Not yet,” Leo said. “Maybe you’ll hit a rhythm and you’ll knock them out super quick. Boom. Boom. Boom.”
I watched as Leo punched the air.
“But what if my tasks hit a rhythm and knock me down? Boom. Boom. Boom.”
I punched the air much harder.
“Is everything okay over by the whiteboard?” Ms. Kenny asked.
She was looking right at us. It felt like the perfect chance to voice my worry.
“We’re fine,” Leo said.
“Yeah,” Venice added.
And then I sort of felt stuck. Because Ms. Kenny put her head back down and started working at her desk. Things did not feel fine. Things felt hard.
“Look,” Venice said. “One of your tasks is to send out emails to the club presidents to arrange photos after school next week. You can knock that out in a few minutes. Boom. And thirty-six to go.”
“I guess,” I said, walking to the computer.
I watched Anya, Sailor, and Sabrina laughing at something at the back of the class. It looked like they were reading a magazine. It looked like they weren’t even working on any tasks. I glared at them. I guess Javier noticed. Because he got right in my unhappy face.
“One of their tasks is to put together a list of superlatives, wills, and prophecies,” Javier said. “That’s what they’re working on now.”
“Really?” I said. That sounded like a new section. Venice picked up on that too. Yearbook was way too behind to add a new section.
“What section is that for?” Venice asked.
“Eighth-grade portraits,” Javier said. “It gives them a chance to leave their mark.”
Laughter erupted again from the trio. Their tasks sounded a million times more fun than mine.
“
Is there a question?” Ms. Kenny asked.
I looked at her. I felt myself shaking my head. Which was wrong. Because I did have a question. In fact, I had several. And I should’ve asked them. Because I deserved some answers.
First: How come everything worked out for Anya and not me?
Second: When was sixth grade going to stop feeling like such hard work?
Third: What was I doing wrong?
One lucky thing about my life was that my mom wasn’t a ruthless person. She saw what a hard week I’d been having, and she wanted to do something nice for me. On Saturday she let me invite Venice over to spend the night. And she got us pizza. And as a super bonus, Piper came home from college to join us.
“I can’t believe I’m putting this garbage in my body,” Piper said, delicately biting the pointy tip of her pizza slice. “It’s delicious.”
It had been months since Piper had ingested any meat or cheese products. But as soon as our mom opened the box lid and released delicious-smelling pizza vapors, Piper declared, “I’m having a slice. I’ll go back to being a vegan tomorrow.”
Which really surprised me, because I didn’t know vegans could take breaks.
“Should I take your quinoa loaf out of the oven?” my mom asked her.
“No,” Piper said. “I bet Venice and Perry will love that.”
Venice looked really scared by that comment. But she shouldn’t have been. Eating quinoa in our house was completely optional. I hardly ever did it.
“I’ll go fix a salad,” my mom said. “You’ll need some vegetables. I don’t want the pepperoni to shock your system.”
I thought about telling her not to bother, but it was sort of nice to be able to talk openly to Piper without our mom in the same room.
“Well,” Piper said. “Not to bring up a sore subject, but I think we need to talk about Derby’s loss.”
That bummed me out. I’d rather have just eaten pizza and talked about stuff that was going well for me.
“It’s a new moon, so I think we should release a wish into the universe for Derby,” Piper said.
“Really?” I asked. Because Piper hadn’t even met Derby.
“Perry,” Piper said, pulling a slim candle out of her bag and setting it in a small glass, “your Derby project really occupied a lot of my headspace. Bobby and I talked about it nonstop.”
“You did?” I asked.
Venice sat very politely next to me, and didn’t barge in on my conversation with my sister. She was awesome like that.
“Oh yeah,” Piper said. She swept a match across a box on the counter until the slender stick bloomed into flame. “Bobby is a philosophy major. So questions about identity and personhood really get his mind turning. Just yesterday he asked me if I thought that the Piper Hall who presently existed would be the same Piper Hall in the future.”
“He did?” I asked. Because I didn’t even understand why your boyfriend would ask you that question. Of course your girlfriend would be the same person in the future. Unless you broke up with her and got a different one.
“That’s deep,” Venice said.
“Too deep,” I said. I didn’t know why it bugged me that Piper and Bobby were talking about Derby, but it did. He was my problem, not theirs.
Piper lit the candle and blew out the match.
“But you knew Derby would lose, right?” Piper said. “I think we all knew that. We hoped he was a boy fueled by a miracle, but really he was just a boy.”
Piper was acting a little bit showy. She never used phrases like “fueled by a miracle” or lit skinny candles in our house.
“That’s a really lovely way to put it,” Venice said.
“Let’s focus on the wish,” Piper said.
“I didn’t even realize you believed in magic,” Venice said.
Piper flipped around to look at Venice. “My wishes aren’t magic. They’re spiritual. I’m not a witch. Bobby and I are secular humanists. We follow a consequentialist ethical system.”
“Oh,” Venice said.
I didn’t know exactly when or how Idaho State University had turned Piper into a humanist vegan who sent wishes out from our kitchen into the world for nerds she’d never met; I just knew it had happened.
“So does one of you want to speak the wish, or should I?” Piper asked.
“Um, you should,” I said. Because I didn’t think Venice and I understood what was happening.
“For Derby. May you find a path of happiness and walk it toward your dreams. Namaste.”
That was a decent wish, but in my mind I was thinking, Please help the nerds help themselves so we can finally get rid of the system.
Then Piper licked her finger and pinched the flame to extinguish the candle. It sizzled.
“You’re deep,” Venice said. “I have goose pimples. I think we just did something that might actually help Derby.”
“I believe that with my whole being,” Piper said. “These candles are great.”
But I shook my head. I wasn’t totally convinced. “The real problem with Derby was that he didn’t want to change,” I explained. “I showed him an awesome path to his dreams, but he wanted to keep acting like a nerd and suddenly be treated like a popular person. That’s not how life works.”
Venice frowned. “He tried to change. He wore different pants for a week, and Leo’s jeans really did help me see Derby differently.”
I almost stopped breathing. I was really afraid that Venice was going to bring up Derby’s butt in front of my family.
“Change is impossible,” Piper said. “Nobody can change.”
“Well, that’s not true,” my mom said, arriving with the salad. “My friend Linda went back to school and became a genetics counselor. Before that she was a flight attendant.”
“Yeah,” Piper said. “But she’s still Linda. Her essence is the same. Nobody ever changes.”
“Her paycheck tripled and she met a guy at work and they eloped in Bali,” my mom said. “That’s enough change to float a blimp.”
Piper shrugged. “Good for Linda.”
Venice was staring at her pizza. Which made me feel bad, because she looked bored. So I decided to try to include her.
“Piper,” I said, “we need your help with a Yearbook project.”
“That class is so grim,” Piper said, plucking off another piece of pepperoni and popping it into her mouth. “You know, you should really consider dropping it and taking up track.”
I felt Venice bump me in a panicked way underneath the table.
“Don’t worry,” I whispered to her. “That’s not happening.”
“I think we should support Perry, and not encourage her to quit one of her classes,” my mom said.
Piper shrugged again. “I guess I value happiness more than you guys.”
“It’s not a contest,” my mom said. “Everybody wants everybody to be happy.”
Piper shrugged again. “If you say so.”
“Okay,” I said, trying to stop the fight. “Javier came up with an idea to help the geeks at school, and I think it might work.”
“What?” Venice asked. “When were you and Javier talking about a plan for the geeks?”
Oops. I felt bad that I had forgotten to tell her about that.
“Wait,” my mom said. “You need to stop this right now. You’re not allowed to do this again. Nobody is helping anybody.”
“I think it’s crazy how we’re all throwing that label around. How do you think the geeks would feel if they heard us talking about them like they’re barely human?” Piper said.
Piper was so deep.
“Perry,” my mother said, “you need to accept people for who they are. Take their pictures. Write their captions. And focus on your other classes.”
It really bothered me that my mom was talking in such a stern voice. Luckily, the doorbell rang.
“I wonder who that is,” my mom said.
“It’s probably our second pizza,” Piper said.
“I di
dn’t order a second pizza,” my mom said.
Piper pouted. “I did. I’m starving, Mom. I never get to eat like this at college.”
“You could’ve asked,” my mom said, grabbing her purse and heading to the door.
“Don’t look so deflated,” Piper said.
“Mom seems super mad about Yearbook,” I said.
“She’s just being a good mom. You just barely finished detention from your last geek plan,” Piper said. “So tell me your new geek plan.”
“Yeah,” Venice said grumpily.
“Well,” I said, “Javier thought I should hold a photo clinic and teach the dweeby and nerdy kids how to smile and what to wear and stuff, so their portraits all turn out great.”
“Are you gonna serve cupcakes to make sure they come?” Piper asked.
I nodded.
“That’s not a bad idea. You should hold it during lunch. Write up a list of five things that these kids can do to take a more attractive picture. Five is doable. Anything more than that and you risk them either forgetting what to do or doing the wrong thing or possibly getting offended that you think they all need massive makeovers.”
I got out a pen so I could write this advice down. It was excellent.
“When were you and Javier talking about this?” Venice asked. “I sat next to you the whole time in Yearbook.”
“Um,” I said. Because I’d forgotten that I hadn’t told her anything about the tree meeting. “It just came up.”
When my mom walked back into the kitchen, I was stunned by what I saw. “Say hello,” she said. “It wasn’t the pizza you ordered. It was Perry’s friend Drea.”
There, right in my own kitchen, stood Drea Quan. It was an astonishing turn of events. She hadn’t called and asked to come over. She hadn’t texted. She’d just appeared on my doorstep and rung my bell.
“Hi,” Drea said, unfastening her bicycle helmet. “I was pedaling by, so I thought I’d stop.”
“I’m Piper,” my sister said, reaching across the table to shake Drea’s small hand.
“Does your mother know you’re here?” my mom asked.
Totally Crushed Page 2
