I walked away from Ryan and Roseanne and went to the study. It wasn’t until I sat down that the tears coursed down my face, and I allowed myself to start shaking.
How dare Jimmy say that to me! He had no right to do that. This whole thing was not the same as what had happened to me.
After I calmed down, I realized that Ryan had been right, and Jimmy was obviously jealous of what he had seen with us. His behavior today was because of that jealousy. I’d let him calm down and hope that when we had the chance to talk again, we could fix this.
I thought back to what Ryan said on the patio. He was blaming himself for Troy’s death. I couldn’t blame him for that. Most people went through the blame game when they lost someone. They often thought that it should have been them and not the other person. It would take a while before he could accept that it was his friend and that he still had a full life to live.
Wasn’t I just like Ryan? Hadn’t I blamed myself for the senseless death of my parents and Logan? Of course I had. I still did!
I looked out the window and watched Ryan and Roseanne sitting quietly at on the patio. As I surveyed them, I realized that I would do everything I could to help Ryan know that he had a life to live and that this incident wasn’t his fault. The first thing I could do was to make sure no one else got hurt.
I picked up the phone and called my friend, Jay, who owned the security company. After explaining what I needed, he told me that he would call me back shortly and tell me what he could give me. I made a few more phone calls and talked to Beth about setting up a press conference to talk about the incident.
I made arrangements for two black Chevy Tahoe’s to be delivered to the house and called the director who was resting after being hit by flying debris during the explosion. It wasn’t a bad injury, but there had been no good ones.
Jay called me back, just as I finished my conversation with the director, and told me that he would have four armed guards at the house twenty-four hours a day; they would arrive a little after four. He stated that he had some of his tech guys coming to the house around the same time to put in a visual security system, and he would have it manned at all times. He was able to round up four more guards who would travel with Ryan or be in place at his destinations when he needed them. They would all stay here at the house between shifts.
He explained that he even got in contact with his affiliate company in New York where Troy’s funeral was being held and had secured several guards to escort Ryan there and be present at the service. I knew that Jay’s local guys wouldn’t be able to do that because it was across state lines.
I told him how much I appreciated everything he set up so quickly. We chatted for a few minutes about how business was and then we said our goodbyes. As I set the phone down, I looked up to find Ryan leaning on the doorjamb, his arms crossed over his chest. We visually explored each other for a moment.
“How are you doing?” I asked him. He looked better than the last time I saw him. His face wasn’t so pale, but his eyes still looked drawn and haunted.
He shrugged. “You hungry? You’ve been in here for several hours.”
I glanced down at my watch and saw that it was already mid-afternoon. “Yeah, actually, I’m starved. But I have people showing up here in a few minutes.”
I got up from behind the desk and made my way toward him. He pushed off the doorjamb and stood in the doorway blocking it. I slowed to a stop in front of him and lifted my chin to examine his face. His arms were still crossed, and it made his shoulders look hard and wide. I reached out and touched him without even thinking.
The pain in his eyes lessened the longer he held my gaze, and in that moment, I couldn’t help but wish that he would pull me into his arms. I realized that I was more than capable of making that move myself, so I pulled his arm down.
The other one immediately dropped to his side. I stepped into him and slid my arms around his waist, resting my cheek on his chest. For a moment, I thought I’d done the wrong thing, but his arms finally circled me and he held on tightly.
We stood like that for a few minutes, just holding one another. When my stomach growled, I chuckled and started to pull away. “Guess I’m hungrier than I thought.” I gave him a lopsided grin while I still had my hands on his waist.
One of his hands came to my cheek, and I pushed my face into his palm. He needed no further help with the next step as he slid his hand behind my neck and pulled my face toward his. There was no question in my mind that I wanted him to kiss me. I needed to feel him.
As our lips grew closer, his eyes surveyed my face, slowly traveling over my features. As his line of focus came to my mouth, I couldn’t help but lick my lips. I heard his soft moan as he closed the space and touched his lips to mine.
It was tender and soft, a slow exploration as my lips parted, and his tongue met mine. My hands slid up his arms to his shoulders and I wrapped one around his neck while my other hand slid into his hair and held him close.
I heard footsteps coming to the door just as we started to pull apart. “Oh!” Roseanne exclaimed as she stepped inside and saw us.
Ryan and I both chuckled. How many times had she caught us in this position? Ryan turned, still holding me around the waist with one arm.
“I’m sorry, I keep interrupting you two.” She blushed again.
I laughed. “It’s okay, Roseanne. Did you need something?”
“Yeah, you have several people who just showed up here, said they were sent by a security company on your request.”
I glanced at my left wrist where my large black watch sat. “They are right on time. Thank you.” I began to pull away from Ryan.
“Tell them she will be right there. I need to speak with her for a moment.” Ryan held me at his side.
“Yeah, speak…hmmm, I like the way you talk.” She laughed and walked out of the room. I chuckled as she left and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Sorry, I just needed an excuse to do this again,” he whispered as he closed the space between us and kissed me one more time just as gently and loving as the last time.
I sighed when I pulled away. “How about you find something for us to eat? I need to go get these guys set up first.”
He kissed me one more time before we walked out to the atrium arm in arm. Ryan was about to leave, and I stopped him.
“Tony! Wow, man it has been ages!” I went to him and pulled him into a huge hug as he gave me a wide father-like smile.
“Jackie, you look great. Moving up in the world, I see.” He leaned his head back to look up.
I laughed. “Just an undercover job. I’ll be going back to my desk soon.” As I said the words, I wondered if that was what I really wanted to do. I shook it off quickly as Tony introduced me to the guys who would be staying here. I made sure that Ryan meet each of them and that they understood he was the one they were protecting, not me.
Once the conversation centered back to what I needed from them, Ryan excused himself and said he was going to get some food ready for us. I smiled but noticed he didn’t return it as he went toward the kitchen. Tony and I started discussing what I needed them to do with the security cameras, dismissing Ryan’s attitude without another thought.
About thirty minutes later, I entered the kitchen to find Ryan staring out the back window. He heard me enter and got to his feet, moving toward me. I was startled by how fast he pulled me into his arms, crushing my lips with his. I loved every minute of it, but I didn’t understand it.
After a very long seductive kiss that made me think about how high the countertop was in comparison to how my legs would wrap around his waist, we parted. Both of us were a bit breathless as we rested our foreheads together. I was about to ask him what was wrong when he started laughing.
“Come on, your stomach is growling.” I hadn’t even noticed it until he said something. He pulled me over to the table.
While we ate our sandwiches, I told him about the security system and how it would all be inst
alled. I explained how many guards would be here on a daily basis, and what would happen when he traveled to New York for the funeral. When pain flashed across his face, I moved the conversation away from Troy.
He told me the director put filming on hold for two weeks, and he would let us know what would change with the new schedule when we got closer.
I didn’t tell him that in two weeks, I would no longer be here. In fact, I would probably be gone before the funeral.
We discussed the press conference for the next morning that would take place at the production site. He didn’t seem too happy about the location, and I knew he wasn’t ready to go back there yet.
“Ryan, you don’t have to go. I can do the press conference on my own. I already have Roseanne working on it with your agent.” I put my hand on top of his. He flipped his hand over and squeezed my fingers.
It was horrifying and amazing that so much tragedy had happened in the last twenty-four hours, yet I felt a sense of happiness as I focused on him. Was that wrong? Life was short; I knew that too well. So was it wrong to make the most of it?
“No. Troy was my best friend. I need to do it, but I want you right there with me, along with Roseanne and the rest of my crew.” I nodded at him and squeezed his hand before I got up and put our plates in the sink.
“I need to go check on Tony and the guys.” I watched him for a moment. He was staring out the window again. I came back to him and stepped behind him, putting my arms around his neck. I leaned down and kissed his temple.
“Ryan, I’ll be right beside you. I promise I won’t leave you alone.” I said it quietly next to his ear. He rubbed his hand up my arm and squeezed.
“I’ll talk to you later.” I left feeling guilty that he might think I meant longer than the press conference. As I rounded the corner into the hallway, I thought I heard Ryan say something, but as I peered over my shoulder, I saw he was staring at the table.
I found Tony and checked on everything that was happening. Word had gotten out about where Ryan was living, and we had confirmation from the main gate that traffic had picked up quite a bit around the entrance. I asked Tony if they could put some other guys down there to help and he said he’d be happy to do that.
Tony and I caught up as the guys worked around us. We had worked together for years until he retired and went into private security. He looked great, and I was enjoying the light conversation and the memories after all the stress from the day before.
It wasn’t until a bat flew down at my head that I realized the sun had set. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost eight o’clock. “Oh man, Tony. You better get out of here, or Stella is gonna have your head.” He laughed because we both knew his wife was a sweetheart, but she loved her time with her husband.
“Oh, don’t worry. She knows where I am, and she told me to take as long as I needed to get this done right. She loves his movies, so she doesn’t want anything to happen to him.” We shared a laugh.
I glanced up at the house and saw a silhouette up on the third floor. Ryan was watching us. I motioned for him to come down, and he hesitated but finally made his way down the stairs.
When he walked out the front door, he hesitated again before coming to my side. Tony was just finishing up a story about his wife and one of her latest adventures and I was enjoying the humor as Ryan joined us.
I wrapped my arm around him tentatively and he made it known that he didn’t mind and pulled me securely against him.
Tony flicked his eyes between the two of us, a warm smile on his lips, before he shared another story about his crazy, but loving, wife. I lifted my head from Ryan’s shoulder where I was resting it and saw a genuine smile on his lips.
“You will need to autograph something for Stella. She loves you,” I said with great humor.
“When we get back to filming, Tony, why don’t you bring your wife to the set?” He gave Tony one of his thousand-watt smiles, but I knew it was real. In the few moments he had been standing outside with us, he seemed more relaxed. This was the real Ryan. Not the man who was all concerned with what others thought about him, but the man who could be himself and just relax and unwind, even in the aftermath of tragedy. I put my head back on his shoulder, and he leaned down and kissed the top of my hair.
“Hey, Ryan.” We all turned toward the door as Roseanne yelled out. “Beth is on the phone.”
“Will you excuse me? I need to go talk to her.” Ryan gave me a gentle smile before he left my side.
Ryan walked into the house, and I followed his every move with my hungry eyes. When I turned back to Tony, he was watching me closely with a knowing look on his face.
Trying to avoid what he was going to say, I suggested something. “Hey, you think these guys could finish this up without you being here to hawk eye over them? Why don’t we go out back and have a beer?”
“I’m sure they would love for me to leave them alone, and I could use a cold beer.” I put my hand on his shoulder as we walked into the house.
With two cold beers, we sat out back, and I kicked my feet up onto another chair, my head leaning back while I searched the sky.
“So what’s up with Ryan?” he asked me.
I rolled my head to the right to look at him. “I have no idea,” I said and laughed.
“Well it looks like something good. You know, it’s nice to see you smile again,” he said it jokingly, but I knew he was serious.
I shook my head dramatically. “Don’t know what you’re talking about, Tony. I’m always smiling.” I did know what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to dampen the mood.
“Yeah, right. I thought you were seeing Jimmy. I never saw you smile like that around him.” He took a swig of his beer, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob while he swallowed.
“Yeah, well…” I blew out a heavy breath and looked down at my beer bottle. I started peeling the label. “I guess things are over with Jimmy. I think he wanted more than I could give him.”
“You need to stop worrying about what you can give other people and give yourself something. You know you deserve to be happy, Jackie,” he said softly.
I shrugged.
He took another sip of his beer. “Does Ryan know about what happened?”
“What? No!” I shook my head quickly. “Well, he knows that I lost my parents and Logan, but he doesn’t know how or why. And there is no reason to tell him. That was a long time ago, Tony. I would prefer to forget it.”
“You can’t just pretend like it never happened, Jack. That is the reason you can’t get close to anyone. You need to forgive yourself and move on.”
I took a drink from my bottle and then peeled more of my label off. “I wish it was that easy,” I said softly. We got quiet for a minute. “You know as well as I do that until the contract is off, I can’t get close to anyone.”
“It might be easier than you think. Look at the resources he has here. He can keep himself safe.” He watched me intently.
I glared at him for a moment. “He might have great resources, but look at what happened to Troy, and that had nothing to do with me.” I stopped and thought about it. An odd feeling rose in the pit of my stomach, and I tried to squash it.
“Once this case is over and the filming is done, Ryan will be off to some other place and some other film. He’ll have a proper woman on his arm, and I’ll be just a memory.” I took a big swig of my beer.
He laughed. “Yeah, I doubt that. I saw how he looked at you outside.”
“Whatever!” I laughed at him and turned my neck when I heard footsteps coming out the door.
“Jackie, you have a phone call.” Ryan approached us. I stood up and went toward the house. I turned back just as I got to the door. Ryan was watching me, and with no lights on out here, I couldn’t see his eyes, but I could feel the heat of them.
Chapter 29
Ryan
I took the seat that she had just vacated. “How long have you known her?” I asked Tony as I made myself comfort
able.
“Jackie? Oh, I’ve known her since she first started with Rosewood Township about twelve years ago. I trained her to be great like she is now.” He chuckled, and I smirked in the dark. “She’s a good person, been through a lot.”
I had heard the tail end of their conversation as I stood by the patio door. The way she said it to Tony, she expected me to drop her like last week’s leftovers into the trash. I decided to pretend I hadn’t heard that and find a way to prove her wrong.
“Like what?” I asked hoping he would tell me.
He studied me for a long time. “I can’t tell you the particulars. You’re going to have to wait for her to do that. Everyone has their own sad story, and it should only be told by them to the people they trust.” He took a drink from his beer bottle. “What I will tell you is, she had a tragic loss in her past, and she blames herself for it.”
“Why would she blame herself?” I wanted to know more, but he had already told me he wasn’t going to give me details.
“That again is something you will have to ask her. I’ll tell you this, Ryan. I haven’t seen her smile at anyone the way she smiles at you in a very long time. It’s been about six years since she looked at anyone that way. She’s an incredible woman and she seems tougher than nails, but she has emotional scarring that can be tough to get through. If she means anything to you, go slow and be careful, but be ready to fight for her. She’s worth it, but I don’t want to see that smile disappear from her face again.” The last sentence was said with a fatherly strictness to it.
I understood what he was saying. He wanted to protect her, and he wanted to see her happy, too. It was the same thing I wanted now, but I wasn’t sure I could do that for her. Jackie was right that all my resources hadn’t been enough to save my best friend.
We chatted a few minutes longer, and then he excused himself to check on the guys. I wandered back inside and went to the study to find Jackie, but the room was empty. I checked around the bottom floor but couldn’t find her, so I climbed up the stairs. Maybe she had gone to bed already. When I got to the landing, I heard music coming from her room. I stopped in the hall near her door and saw it was partially open.
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