“She went to the wake last night but I didn’t go. I talked to her while I was at home getting dressed this morning. Rhonda said there was going to be another funeral if she didn’t see me today. I completely forgot about her wanting to be there for me.” I did appreciate the gesture and I knew she would understand whenever we spoke again. “I’ll have to settle it with her later. I can’t go over there now.”
“Stay as long as you need to,” Mary told me, then asked, “Do you need a hug”? I did. After we finished hugging in the kitchen, I got some ice and orange juice.
“When did you have sex with two midgets?”
“I think they were dwarves. There’s a place in Long Beach where a lot of them live.”
Mary’s mouth was open. “How was it”?
“It was the weirdest sex I’ve ever had.”
After a few drinks, I started to talk to Mary about Lady. “Mary have I ever told you about the time Lady and I gave a hotfoot? We were drunk and we were mischievous when we were drinking.”
“You’re mischievous anyway. What would make you think of that?” Mary asked.
“We were watching cartoons,” I said and starting laughing aloud. It sounded so ridiculous, but it was true. “We put stick matches in between his toes and tied his ankle with a necktie to the bedpost while he was sleeping.” Mary and I laughed as I wiped tears from my eyes.
Mary had done it again, knowing what I needed. that was why I was truly crying.
“What was the necktie for?”
“So he couldn’t chase us, you have to think like you’re a little warped, work with me Mary. It was hilarious when he fell after he woke up, trying to hop on one foot. We had this warped sense of humor when we were together, though Lady sometimes went too far.” This time Lady had really gone too far, committing suicide.
“Don’t get any ideas,” Mary said to her two oldest daughters who looked amused by my story. They were both hugging me as I told the story. “Are you sure you want to stay?” Mary asked. Our daughters went out to play.
“Yeah” I said.
“Who was that coming up to the house when I picked you up?”
“That was Emmanuelle, my niece, Pam’s oldest daughter.”
“You two sure look alike; she’s beautiful.”
“Not to me, but everyone says that. I look a little like her mother, my oldest sister Pam. The P is for pain in the ass.” Mary and I were laughing again. I wanted Mary’s insight into all of this, but I feared she couldn’t help me sort this out. I had never been so overwhelmed emotionally before. I thought I might try, though.
* * *
All five of my sisters were pretty. Our mother was the most beautiful one of all, when she was young. You had to do a double take if you looked at her. When I was younger, my beauty confused me. I didn’t understand why men paid so much attention to me. Why girls seemed to think I was not worthy of their friendship. I wasn’t given a chance to be known for who I was.
I remember when Mamma was young. I felt afraid, when she walked me to kindergarten. Men were offering us a ride or yelling out of their car window at her.
I’d ask, “What do they want Mamma?”
“Nothing,” she would say, “just keep walking.” I was holding Mamma’s hand with both of my hands.
She was a light-skinned black woman, with straight black hair like a white woman. Her father was white. She had big eyes, with high cheek bones and an hour glass figure – incredibly beautiful. She had three children by the time she was nineteen, then five more. I was the fifth child.
Mama worked two jobs when we were little, one at an electronics plant and another as a housekeeper for a doctor and his wife. Sometimes I would go with her to the doctor’s house; I never saw the doctor. I would sit at the table and color while she cleaned. I used to imagine it was our house. I remember the house being big with lots of rooms. You could walk out the front door and stand on the beach.
The doctor’s wife was a nice person. She didn’t get mad when I colored on her kitchen table with a red marker Mamma had given me, trying to keep me busy. My mother was angry with me, explaining that she would not bring me back anymore. After, she spoke with the doctor’s wife.
“It’s okay, it’s just something kids do, she went over the edge of her paper. Finish what you are doing while I clean it off Millie,” said Mrs. Doctor.
“I’m almost finished,” Mamma said. “I will do it right now.” While my mother cleaned the table, she scolded me. “You need to be more careful. you know better than to be writing on tables.” I couldn’t explain to her I was bored. I had scratched the picture out wildly, it didn’t please me.
Mamma said, “I could have lost my job.” I had begged to go with her that day. It was the only time I had her almost to myself, besides I wondered what she did there.
CHAPTER 9
When Lady and I lay in bed at night I used to play games I made up with her. We’d lie in the same bed, looking up at the ceiling in the dark. I was afraid of the dark. I depended on Lady so I was not afraid.
I would say, “Let’s play a game.”
“What is it tonight?”
“My favorite,” I said. “Let’s play ‘imagine we are the only two kids in the family, and we each have our own room.’”
“Play for what?” she would say.
“Just play with me okay.”
“All right Angel,” she said reluctantly, “you make up the dumbest games.”
“I imagine we are the only two kids in the family. We are rich, and can have anything we want. We have a housekeeper so Mamma won’t have to cook and make us clean up. She can stay home and have parties, and never have to work. We are all happy. We never get whippings anymore or have to pick our own switch. We live in a mansion big enough to ride bikes in.”
She laughed and said, “You are imagining. Mom would kill us if we rode our bikes in the house.” We laughed really hard. “Anyway,” she said, “Mom is having another baby.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“I heard her telling someone on the phone.” Lady said.
“Are you imaging that?”
“No, you’re the only one that loves to do that.” Lady answered. “You’re not going to be the baby anymore. You’re seven now anyway.”
Just about the time she told me that, our older sisters came in the room to get ready for bed. They slept in the room with us. Sister and Pam were teenagers. Sister was fifteen and Pam was sixteen. Sister suited her for a name; she was kind and made us cookies. She would take us places: like to the park or with her to a friend’s house. Brother, had his own room.
Her friend would ask, “Why do you always bring those two with you?” Sister, never made us feel bad for tagging along with her.
She would say, “They are my little sisters. I’m looking after them.” We didn’t know she had to take us, when she would take me and Lady to the park. We would swing, while she and her friend would push us until they got tired. We would let them talk and then we’d walk home.
Sister’s friend was a funny looking girl. She wore thick glasses and had a funny looking hairdo, he kind that was like an old lady should have – far too fancy. My sisters and I all had long hair, and her funny looking friend used to like to comb our hair. She would fix it the way we liked. Even though I hated getting my hair combed because I was tender headed. I allowed it because she liked it and that seemed to please Sister.
Pam on the other hand was kind of wild. She liked to run the streets and not stay at home. She didn’t have time for her siblings. She liked boys and going out. She seemed to be in trouble constantly. She was either sneaking out of the house, or in trouble for not doing her chores. She would let me or Lady do her chores for her after my mother would leave. Sometimes she would pay us if we washed the dishes without spilling water, or she didn’t get into trouble for half doing her chores. We liked doing them; it made us feel older.
My mom always cooked our dinner in the morning before she left for wor
k. Our food would be on the stove when we came home. One of my sisters was supposed to clean up the kitchen when it was her turn. Sister did her chores without concern; Pam seemed to have difficulty finishing her chores. She was always too busy with some place to go. I remember defending her when she was in trouble once, for not completing the kitchen. I had forgotten to sweep the floor and wipe off the stove. I didn’t want her to get into trouble, so I told my mamma it was me and not her. My mother whipped her. I felt horrible, begging my mother to stop. The more I cried, “It was me!” the more she was hit. I waited for her, outside the bathroom door while listening to her cry. I hugged her when she came out, after bathing her wounds.
“Guess what you guys, Mom is having a baby.”
“Yeah right,” they prided themselves on knowing everything before us.
“She is, we swear,” Lady and I exclaimed.
“How do you guys know?” Pam asked.
“Lady heard Mamma talking about it,” I explained.
Sister commented, “She is getting fat.”
“Why didn’t she tell us?” Sister went on to add.
Lady said, “When she was talking on the phone, she was crying that if she wasn’t going to be married, she would never have let the pregnancy get this far along.”
“She was talking to Michael.” Pam said. “He’s in the military and they are always gone.” I didn’t understand what ‘this far along’ meant. I knew I was getting a new little baby to play with, for when Lady and me had fights. I would have my baby, for when Lady wouldn’t talk to me. I could help Mamma with her, and Mamma will see she won’t be any trouble with me around.
I told mamma that the next morning when I woke up.
She asked, “How did you know I was having a baby?”
“I know everything, Mamma.”
“You do?” Mamma said, smiling at me with tears in her eyes.
“I’m going to help you with her okay?”
“It may not be a girl, you know.” Mamma was crying, and hugging me really tight.
“It has to be Mamma, so I can play with her when Lady won’t talk to me.”
“Okay I’ll have a girl just for you,” Mamma said smiling now.
CHAPTER 10
When I got out of school, I waited for Lady at the same place like I always did, but this time she didn’t come. I didn’t know what to do. What if the men came, the way they used to with Mamma and me? What would I do? I didn’t know, but I knew I’d better get home. I knew I was late even though I couldn’t tell time yet, and I didn’t want to get into trouble. Mamma had a way of knowing things even when she wasn’t around.
I remembered to cross the street when the light was green, just the way Mamma had taught me when I was four and she walked me to kindergarten.
“Look both ways before you step off the curb, even if the light is green.” I could hear mamma say. I looked both ways then I ran across the street, trying to hurry in case Lady was there looking for me. I was almost home; it was only two street lights to home from school, straight up the street, no turns. I was relieved about that. I was almost there when I could hear Lady calling me from behind. I turned around and she was running after me.
I yelled to her before she got to me, “Where were you?” I was scared and crying.
She ran past me and said, “Hurry up.”
When we got around the corner of the driveway to near the front door, there was a white man in a car, pulling in the driveway behind us. She was afraid of him. She told me to run in the house as fast as I could, not to believe anything he says. She had been trying to miss him, on the way home. That’s why she didn’t come. She had to stay after school because she had gotten in trouble. She needed to tell me to wait, but didn’t feel she could reveal our secret to him and that was, I was waiting for her unattended; to walk me home. My mother made us keep secrets because she worried about what people thought of her.
My mother had kids out of wedlock and seemed to be ashamed of this fact. She never wanted anyone in her business. The teacher wouldn’t let Lady come out of the detention room. How could she let me know what to do? She knew I depended on her, and so did Mamma, to keep secrets. So she lunged at a pair of scissors on the desk and her teacher let her go after he tried to stop her. He followed her home to tell our mother what had happened. We usually arrived home about an hour and a half before one of my older sisters or Brother got home. We were alone. We made it in the house just before he got there. She slammed the door and locked it.
I was still crying. She hugged me and said, “You can’t tell Mom.”
I promised, I wouldn’t.
We sat our stuff down, and he knocked at the door. We didn’t answer.
He yelled through the door, “I need to talk to your mother. I’m coming back when your mother gets home. Tell her I’m coming to talk to her.”
Lady said, after he was gone, she was trying to get up to tell me to wait by saying she was on her way to the bathroom. He grabbed her arm. The scissors fell off the desk when she struggled. It was never really clear what exactly happened to her that day.
Lady kissed me on the cheek and said, “You did good. I watched you cross the street, you were running fast.” Then we cried because we knew we were in trouble for exposing the secret.
When my Mom came home, the man came back just like he said he would do. After they talked, she called us to her room. She was angry with us.
She asked why we didn’t tell her he was coming?
We told her we didn’t want to get in trouble.
“I have told you guys to tell me the truth, and you won’t get in trouble.” That wasn’t true. She said, “You should have told me, so I might of have been prepared.” Mamma did not like being off guard. She said, “Go and get a switch.”
I cried, “We won’t do it again.”
She said, “I know. Go get one for each of you. And If it’s not thick enough. I will pick it, and you will both be sorry I did.” We didn’t get second chances. We picked two switches from a bush in the yard off the patio; we closed the sliding door to the patio when we came back in, so no one would hear us scream. That was the last time we got spanked.
Mamma said, “People will think I’m trying to kill you, the way you scream.”
I felt like I was being killed.
“You are just being punished.”
What was my mamma, so angry about?
“Who’s going first?”
Lady said, “I will.”
She was never afraid of Mamma the way I was. Lady would not scream or cry like I did either, she always cried when we were alone.
Then I was next. I screamed and cried. I thought she would never stop hitting me; we had whelps all over our arms and legs. When it was over, we would compare the marks on our bodies. Lady always seemed to get it worse. We thought it was because she was older. It was not. My mother had resentment with men, she often said she hated them; She hated Lady’s father.
Lady was teased the next day at school. The kids were calling her the ‘crazy girl.’ I tried to defend Lady, but she told me to ignore them. Lady had fought for me, but lacked the fight she needed for herself.
CHAPTER 11
Mamma did what she said; she had a girl just for me. Soon our baby sister was born. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I loved her as soon as I saw her.
My favorite Aunt had been staying with us, while Mamma was in the hospital. She didn’t cook as good as Mamma but she was gentler. I used to ask her why my Mamma was sometimes mean.
She would reply, “Your Mamma loves you. She does the best she can. It’s not easy having a lot of kids, raising them by yourself. She just wants you kids to do good, so you don’t make the same mistakes she did. Just remember she does love you.”
That never made me feel any better. I didn’t know what mistakes she made. At times, I hated her; I felt I paid for those mistakes, because I loved her.
When our new baby was home, my Aunt Marcie and her son, my cousin J
ohn, came over to see her. John was about five.
He picked up her leg by the foot and said, “Pretty legs.” We all laughed. I would spend the night at Aunt Marcie and Uncle John’s house, and visit with my cousin. These visits were some of my fondest childhood memories.
My cousin was an only child and spoiled rotten in my eyes. We laughed and ran around the house. Aunt Marcie would play the piano for us. We wanted her to play so we could laugh at her singing. She enjoyed it anyway. She would joke with us about why we were laughing.
One night when I was spending the night over, my cousin John had just gotten out of the bathtub.
He ran down the hall yelling for me, asking, “Do you want to see a bull pup?”
I said, “Yes.” I had never seen one. “What is that?” I asked from the TV room. I had already had my bath and was in my pajamas, waiting for him to come watch TV with me.
My Aunt ran behind him telling him he had better not show me his “bull pup.”
He said, “She never saw one. I want to show her mine.”
Aunt Marcie was explaining to John while he was bathing, why he and I don’t bath together, my aunt informed me after. My uncle intervened and made my cousin go get dressed. Boys have bull pups and girls don’t.
“I didn’t know it was called a bull pup.”
My uncle said, “Go to bed you guys. I think Your Aunt is out of explanations.” He jumped on his bed when we got into the room and he showed me anyway. Those visits were important to me. I was free, without all the rules I had been accustomed to at home.
CHAPTER 12
Brother was elusive. I didn’t know where he went at times. Lady told me, “He runs away.” I remember a time while he was gone, I saw him outside our apartments sitting on the steps down at the other end of the building. He called, and asked me to bring him something to eat. I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and took it to him. He thanked me and said, “I can always depend on you.”
Family Tree the Novel Page 5
