“I hate when you’re right.”
“I know. Now get up and get dressed. I’ll make you coffee.”
“Should have started with the coffee.”
“I’ll remember that for tomorrow.”
Sadness swept over her, and she had to get up and leave the room. Tomorrow was the funeral. Tomorrow was the day they laid one of her best friends to rest in the ground. Meredith made it to the hallway and shut Sam’s door behind her, blinking back the tears. The day was going to be rough on the both of them.
The kitchen made her distracted enough that she could get through the next ten minutes. She started coffee for him and hot water for her, and then she cracked eggs, pulled out bacon and started toast. She knew they wouldn’t eat all of it, or even most of it, but it gave her something to do, something to keep her busy. The smells filled the house, and Sam eventually came down, mostly dressed.
His hair was done up with wax and his suit was on save for the tie that hung loosely around his neck and the jacket he carried in his arm. He sat down at the breakfast bar and looked at her forlornly.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat whether or not you’re hungry.”
She set a plate in front of him and then took hers with her as she walked around to sit down next to him. They sat in mostly silence and ate slowly, Meredith keeping track of the clock on the wall.
“I love you, Sam,” she said. “I know this is hard.”
“It’s hard for you, too,” he answered and tugged her in for a half hug. “Thanks for the coffee and breakfast.”
“Any time.”
#
The funeral service lasted close to two hours. Sam and Meredith followed the body out to the hearse. They had the graveside service left and then they would be done. Done with the funeral and done with Jeremy. She wiped away tears as they slipped down her cheeks and grabbed Sam’s hand, squeezing tight. They stood in silence as Jeremy was loaded into the back of the black hearse.
Getting in the SUVs provided by the funeral home, they followed the hearse in single line fashion out to the cemetery. At least they had allowed Jeremy to be buried there rather than at home. This way she and Sam could visit him easily. She held Sam’s hand throughout the whole drive.
Once they got there, he tugged on her and made her stay inside the car. Everyone else exited and made their way to the tent area. Meredith turned and looked at Sam and then reached up and wiped away the tears falling freely down his cheeks.
“I wish he wasn’t gone,” she whispered.
“Me too.”
“I can’t stop thinking about when I met him—you were so nervous that he’d gotten you drunk before I got to the bar.”
“Yeah, I remember. I loved him then even.”
“I know.”
Meredith sniffled and rested her cheek on Sam’s shoulder. “It’s going to be hard without him.”
“It will be, but it’ll be okay.”
“Yeah,” she said.
“Mer?”
“Mmhmmm.”
“I want to get shit faced drunk tonight.”
“After we make pleasantries.”
“Fine, but I want to not wake up early tomorrow morning.”
“We’ll drink through the night.”
He leaned over and kissed her cheek, then reached for the handle and paused. When he didn’t get out of the car, Meredith cocked her head at him. She gave him the time he needed without saying anything, and when he opened the door to get out, she saw his mask go back into place. He stayed by the door and helped her out, her heels digging into the moist dirt so she had to hold onto him as they walked.
Meredith kept as close to Sam as possible, and when they lowered the body to the ground, she said her goodbyes to the best thing in her friend’s life. It was going to be a long road of mourning, and she knew Sam wouldn’t be himself for months at the very least. When someone that spectacular passed away, it wasn’t easy to learn to live with it.
She bundled up and left the graveside without looking back. She didn’t want to see Jeremy again that day; she wanted to only see him how she remembered him—laughing and smiling. Sam held her hand as they all piled back into the SUV and waited for the funeral workers to bring them back to the church. They went to dinner with the family, and it was alive with stories flying every which direction. Tears of laughter and sorrow were shed, and Meredith watched it all from an outsider’s view. Not being family or Catholic left her apart from the rest.
Chapter Fifteen
After one whole week of no contact and missing work, Ainsley felt she had no choice. She pulled her car up outside of Meredith’s house and sat. Meredith’s car wasn’t in the driveway and all of the lights were off. She leaned back and waited, the front door looming over her head. She had no idea if what she was doing was the right thing or not, but she had to know if Meredith really was gone.
She’d missed an entire week of class, which was not normal by any standards, and hadn’t responded to any calls or texts from Ainsley. Ainsley bit her lip and leaned her head against the backrest, watching the front door through watery eyes. She was parked right in front of the house, so if Meredith did show up, she would no doubt see Ainsley right away.
The clock ticked away faster than she could keep count, and after she’d sat there for over an hour doing nothing, Ainsley pulled a book out of her backpack, turned on the dome light and read. She would see the headlights if Meredith were to come home, and she could just as easily use the time to get her homework done for the weekend.
Sighing, she read through the whole book, and when she looked up to check the time it was after midnight. Biting her lip, she looked over the house and shook her head. She was being stupid—there was no reason for her to be in front of the house, and if she was honest, it could be construed in a bad manner. Just as she was talking herself out of it and leaving, a car pulled up behind her and turned into the driveway.
Ainsley stayed put, fear ricocheting through her chest as Meredith got out of her car and stopped to look at hers. Her headlights were off, but the exhaust and dome light were no doubt a dead giveaway she was in the car. Ainsley watched in her rear view mirror as Meredith walked around her own car and out into the street, bundled tightly in a black jacket.
Meredith came around the back of Ainsley’s car, and Ainsley’s heart rapped in her chest harder with each second that passed. Meredith didn’t knock on the window, didn’t even stop to look; she just opened the door letting the heat inside the vehicle out and the cold air blast in Ainsley’s face. Meredith bent down and looked Ainsley directly in the eye.
“Get out,” she said.
Ainsley scrambled. She turned her car off, pocketed her keys and got out of the car all the while Meredith waited for her. Instead of being yelled at like she thought would happen, Meredith cupped her cheeks and brought their lips together. Ainsley was pressed between the cold car and Meredith’s warm body as their tongues danced and her heart rate continued to race for entirely different reasons.
After she’d been sufficiently kissed, Meredith wrapped her arms around Ainsley’s waist and held her tightly in a hug. Ainsley stroked her hands up and down Meredith’s back, soothing her as best she could—even she could feel the tension in Meredith’s body.
“Come inside,” Meredith whispered, her voice crackling. “I need to talk, and I need to explain some things.”
Ainsley kissed her cheek and nodded. “Yeah, you have some ‘splaining to do, Lucy.”
Meredith snorted and then kissed her fully again. “It’s damn cold out here. Come on. It won’t be much better inside. Heat has been off for a while.”
Leading Ainsley back to her car, Meredith grabbed a sleek black bag and then headed for her front door. Ainsley followed, the tension already gone from her own body. It wasn’t her fault—whatever it was, in that entrance by Meredith, she knew it wasn’t her fault. She was so happy she’d taken the risk and staked out Meredith’s house.
&nb
sp; Once inside, Meredith flipped on the lights and headed for the thermostat to turn the heat on. She hadn’t been lying; it was almost as cold inside as it was outside. Ainsley picked up Meredith’s bag and brought it into the bedroom for her, just wanting to do something with her hands while she waited. Meredith pulled her phone out of her pocket as she strolled into the bedroom and made eye contact with Ainsley.
“Phone died. I forgot my charger. It’s been dead for days now.”
“That explains it.”
“Explains what?”
“I’ve called you several times. Texted you even more. I never got an answer.”
Meredith scrunched her nose and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t feel comfortable leaving for a while, so I wasn’t able to come get it. I’m sorry I didn’t get your messages. They probably would have helped me more than you can imagine.”
Meredith went to walk back out of the doorway, but Ainsley grabbed her hand and brought her back to the bed. They were still in their coats, and even though Ainsley wanted to see Meredith—all of her—to make sure she was okay, she wasn’t about to risk freezing to death.
“What happened?” Ainsley asked.
“Jeremy.” Meredith’s eyes watered up, and Ainsley squeezed her hand lightly as they sat. “He—he died Saturday night. I was on my way back and got the phone call. I managed to run over here and get clothes before he passed away because I knew I was going to be with Sam for a while. I just…it’s so hard.”
“I know,” Ainsley said and tugged Meredith closer to her. Meredith tilted her head down on Ainsley’s shoulder and sniffled. “It’s not supposed to be easy.”
“Yeah. We had the funeral on Wednesday. I’ve been with Sam this whole time. He’s a complete mess.”
“I bet you were a real comfort to him though.”
“Maybe, but I just had to get out of there. It was smothering.”
“I can only imagine.” Ainsley brushed a kiss into Meredith’s hair. “Were you able to grieve?”
Silence echoed in the room. Ainsley was afraid Meredith had fallen asleep on her, but when she looked down, her eyes were still open and blinking. She gave it time, sensing that was more important than words themselves. She held onto Meredith like her life depended on it, not moving even to briefly adjust her position.
“I wasn’t,” Meredith answered after minutes of quiet. “I wasn’t able to at all. And I just—I needed to get out of there.”
“Then stay here for a bit.” Ainsley reached down and lifted Meredith’s chin so she could kiss her quickly. “Do you want me to make you some tea?”
Meredith nodded, tears falling down her cheeks freely. Ainsley kissed a few of them away before kissing her again on the lips. She wanted to stay in the room and make tea at the same time, that way she could be there for Meredith. Once Meredith had sufficiently calmed, Ainsley scooted away from the bed and went to the kitchen, putting water in the kettle and turning it on. Meredith had a stash of tea in one of her cabinets, and Ainsley picked out the chamomile, knowing she would need it more than ever.
The heat had kicked on finally, and Ainsley stripped out of her jacket, laying it over the chair in the kitchen as she prepared the mug. She was pouring the water when Meredith’s arms snuck around her middle. She squeezed Meredith’s hands and then finished making two mugs of tea. Meredith had changed into pajamas, and Ainsley wished she’d had some so she could be just as comfortable.
When she turned around and handed Meredith the mug, a sad look crossed Meredith’s face. She shook her head, tears threatening but not spilling over. Meredith took a sip of her tea and hummed. She walked to the couch and sat down, waiting until Ainsley was next to her before speaking. “I have kids, you know.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. I imagine they’re older than you.”
“How old are they?”
“Twenty-three and twenty-six.”
“Yup,” Ainsley said and took another sip from her own tea, trying to figure out exactly where the conversation was going. She thought they would be talking about Jeremy, but instead she had a feeling that was the last subject on Meredith’s mind to discuss.
Meredith took a deep breath. “I was in a relationship with their mother for close to ten years. We met in college. It was all going okay until she had a change of heart.”
“A change of heart?”
Meredith nodded and raised her knees to settle her chin on them to look over at Ainsley. “I want you to know this. Not many here do, but it’s important to me. I don’t want to have any more kids. Physically it would be hard, but I can’t do that again.”
“What happened?”
“She left. And since she was the biological mother of our children and since it was the early nineties, she had full custody and I was told to stay far away.”
“That’s so horrible. You didn’t get to see them at all?”
“She’d send pictures every now and then. I have them all. It wasn’t until Logan, my son, went to college that he finally contacted me. He’s the older one and remembered me better. I’m in contact with him now, but not with Morgan.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t pushed it.”
Ainsley nodded and ran her hand down Meredith’s leg, thankful they were having an open conversation. It was just what she’d needed to get to know Meredith better, and even though it was a sad story, she was grateful Meredith felt comfortable telling her.
“It was hard.”
“I can’t even imagine. You think you’re going to be raising children and then the next minute their gone.”
“Gone for fifteen years. When Logan showed up on my front stoop that first time, I didn’t even recognize him. He’s so handsome though. I think he’ll be getting married soon.”
“Very sweet.” Ainsley rested her head on the back of the couch and smiled at Meredith. She was letting her lead the conversation that evening. Anything and everything Meredith wanted to talk about, they would talk about. Ainsley kept her hand on Meredith’s ankle to keep contact.
“Yes, very. They’re good together. I never wanted to be in a relationship after that.”
“Makes sense. She broke your heart.”
“Into a million little pieces.” Meredith closed her eyes, and Ainsley was lost without the blue-green color swirling around. She drank her tea and waited, realizing that Meredith had probably fallen asleep for a bit.
Getting up slowly, Ainsley took Meredith’s mug of tea so it wouldn’t spill and accidentally woke Meredith up. She shushed her and pulled her to her feet. Ainsley walked in front of Meredith, keeping Meredith’s hands in hers as she led the way to the bedroom.
“You need to get some rest. We can talk more in the morning if you want.”
Meredith nodded mutely and crawled into the bed. She sat up, pillows behind her back and refused to let go of Ainsley’s hands. Ainsley was forced to sit on the edge of the bed and wait as Meredith entwined their fingers together.
“I miss them all so much,” Meredith said, her voice breaking.
“I know.” Ainsley cupped Meredith’s cheek and rubbed her thumb just under Meredith’s eye. “It’s hard, and it sucks, and it’s just how it is.”
“How’d you get so wise?”
Ainsley closed her eyes and shook her head. “Experience, I guess. My parents split when I was young, but I still had both of them around. When I was in high school, my dad finally passed away after a very long battle with cancer. I could ignore it until that last year, but that last year brought it home. My mom remarried after that. She’d been dating this guy for years, but they finally decided to tie the knot I guess. I don’t know why I’m wise except for life experience.”
Meredith nodded. “Bad experiences make you grow up far more quickly.”
“Well, I was an only child for the most part, so I guess I grew up quickly that way too.”
“For the most part?”
“My dad had a daughter with his firs
t wife. I never really saw her until the funeral. We keep in touch all the time now, but I didn’t really have a sister until I was seventeen.”
“Makes sense.”
“I hate that he’s gone though. He never got to see me graduate, never got to see me go off to college, and I never got to tell him about my first love.”
“Tell me, then.”
Ainsley’s mouth opened and closed, and she shook her head. “I think I’ll save that for another time.”
“All right,” Meredith said. She tugged on Ainsley’s hand and beckoned her closer. “Get in bed. It’s warmer under the covers.”
Ainsley toed off her shoes and crawled up to the top of the bed, sliding under the comforter next to Meredith. She had been right, it was definitely warmer under the covers, especially with Meredith so close. Meredith lay down on the pillows, turning on her side. Ainsley stayed sitting up but moved her hand when Meredith silently asked for it.
With their hands together and Meredith running one finger up and down Ainsley’s forearm, she knew was home. Ainsley sighed and closed her eyes. She couldn’t tell Meredith about her first love simply because Meredith was her first love. She let the thought sink in, warming her as she stayed right where she was in Meredith’s bed. It didn’t matter that they were thirty plus years apart—all that mattered was that it felt right.
Ainsley squeezed Meredith’s fingers. “I’d like to meet Logan someday.”
“He’s coming for Thanksgiving, I think. Bringing his girlfriend along. He said he wanted me to meet her.”
“That’s nice.”
“Maybe you can meet him then.”
“Maybe I can,” Ainsley answered, knowing she wouldn’t. She was expected home for the holiday. The plane ticket had already been purchased, and her mother would have a conniption if she tried to back out of it. Not saying anything about it, Ainsley rested her head back and closed her eyes, sliding into the soothing atmosphere the room held. She was almost asleep when Meredith’s voice floated up to her.
Memoir in the Making: A May-December Romance Page 14
