“One what?”
“Trust me.”
Meredith glared at him again. “For her birthday, I assume,” she said.
“Well, did you get her anything?”
“No, I was going to give her my books. A full-set of them.”
Sam shook his head. “You told her?”
“We were talking about favorite authors, and she mentioned K. P. Schilling was her favorite—how could I not say something?”
“Interesting. Give her that. She’ll like it better.”
“It means something different.”
“Exactly,” he said, and then he did shove her out the door.
Meredith heard the click of the lock and scoffed at him. Walking to her car, she got inside and turned the heat on full blast as she shivered. Leave it to my gay best friend to remember my girlfriend’s birthday, she thought and sighed. It was a beautiful necklace though, and he did have more time to shop than she did. Taking a deep and steadying breath, Meredith pulled out of the parking lot and headed home to start cooking.
Chapter Twenty
Her hands were covered with mittens when she knocked on Meredith’s door. Ainsley took a deep breath and hoped Meredith would open the door soon. The bite in the air was something she didn’t want to stay out in for long. Meredith opened the door with a smile on her face, and Ainsley stepped inside as quickly as possible.
“Hey,” Ainsley said.
“Hey there,” Meredith answered.
Once Ainsley had her jacket and gloves off, she reached for Meredith and kissed her loudly on the mouth. “Whatever it is you’re making, it smells delicious.”
“Lasagna.”
“One of my favorites,” Ainsley exclaimed.
“Yeah? Good thing then. It’s one of mine, too.” Meredith took Ainsley’s hand and led her to the kitchen, her bare feet silent on the floor. Ainsley sat down at the kitchen table as Meredith handed her a glass of wine. “Your first official drink, at least I hope, since it’s only five.”
“Adam might have forced me to take a shot at lunch.”
“Rascal.”
Ainsley giggled and sipped at her wine. It wasn’t Meredith’s usual fare as it was white instead of red. Ainsley took a second sip and said, “This is really good.”
“I’m glad you like it. Also one of my favorites.”
“You’re going to turn me into a wino before soon.”
“Perhaps,” Meredith said and cut up the lasagna on the counter. “I hope you’re hungry because there’s plenty here. It’s not easy to make only two servings of lasagna.”
“I am. Don’t worry.”
Meredith set a plate down in front of Ainsley and then settled into her own chair across the table. Ainsley waited until Meredith was set before taking a bite of her dinner. She moaned around the food in her mouth and closed her eyes.
“This is amazing. What did you put in it?”
“Family recipe.”
“Then I won’t ask, but this is really good.”
“Thanks,” Meredith said with a blush on her cheeks. “Years of practice.”
“I bet.”
“I wanted to ask…I was talking to Sam earlier today and he mentioned something that got me thinking. He didn’t say much, so don’t get mad at him—”
Ainsley’s stomach tensed. Her breathing increased and her shoulders tightened. She knew where the conversation was going before Meredith even finished talking. She’d confessed it to Sam her freshman year and had only regretted it a few times since then. Ainsley stopped eating, setting her fork on her plate. She reached for her wine and took a large gulp.
“—he said you weren’t as young as you seemed but that he wouldn’t say more. I noticed it too, but I was wondering why.”
Silence crept over the room. Ainsley could barely breathe with how tense she had gotten, and she could hardly be expected to eat. Looking at the table and then looking at Meredith, she shook her head. “I’m sorry. I—I told you my father died when I was in high school.”
“You did,” Meredith said, taking a sip of her own wine.
Ainsley nodded. “It’s probably not what you’re thinking either. I wasn’t raped or anything, which is what most professors of college students think. How can they not? It happens so often.”
“It does.”
Ainsley took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair, trying to relax her body. She hadn’t expected this turn in the conversation and had been blindsided by it. She blinked back tears, lifting her gaze to the ceiling. Meredith came around the table instantly and grabbed her hand, kneeling on the ground.
“I—I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.”
“It’s—it’s okay. You should know about it anyway.”
“My dad had leukemia, and there were a few years where I was the only one who could care for him.”
“Oh,” Meredith said, her face dropping.
“Yeah.”
“What happened?” Meredith pulled over the chair next to Ainsley and sat in it, still holding Ainsley’s hand the entire time. “Tell me about him.”
Ainsley smiled through her tears. Meredith’s eyes were cool and collected, and she was an utter disaster walking. She swallowed and shook her head. “I don’t normally celebrate my birthday either, but Adam convinced me to make an exception this year because it’s my twenty-first, and honestly, I do need to move on. But it’s so hard.”
“It can be.”
At Meredith’s confused look, Ainsley gripped her cheek and pulled her in for a quick kiss. “I had just turned eighteen. My dad wasn’t doing well at all, and I couldn’t handle taking care of him anymore and he certainly couldn’t take care of himself. His longtime girlfriend had come back into the picture a year before, but I was still taking care of him when I was at his house. It’s just—it’s hard. He died on my eighteenth birthday. He always said he wanted to see me come of age.”
“Ainsley—”
Ainsley gave her a watery smile. “It’s fine. You asked, and I wanted to answer. And who doesn’t have baggage these days.”
“But losing a father? Losing a child—that’s something—”
“You can relate to. I know.”
“What happened?”
“It was bad,” Ainsley said. She brushed away her tears and closed her eyes, the image of him smiling at her. “He was really sick those last few months, and my grades were suffering because of it. But Lauren had been there, and for some reason, I didn’t think she was leaving that time, and she didn’t. He didn’t—he didn’t look good for months. I have a hard time remembering him when he wasn’t sick. He died at home after my party. He’d insisted I have a birthday party that year even though I didn’t want one. I just wanted to spend time with him.”
Meredith squeezed Ainsley’s hand, and Ainsley felt a burst of energy from the move. She licked her lips and swallowed back the sorrow as she finished the story. “I was the only one at the house when he went. I—I knew what I had to do, but I just couldn’t bring myself to make the phone call right away. I sat with him for hours, just holding his hand.”
“Ainsley, I’m so sorry.” Meredith pulled Ainsley into a hug and held her close. Ainsley’s tears soaked her shirt, but Ainsley didn’t care. She felt calmer having told the story, calmer for having shared the final real secret she kept about her past.
“I was happy when my dad died,” she whispered. “He was in so much pain, and he was so sick. It was hard to be happy for something so devastating.”
“I can’t even imagine what you went through.”
“I think you can imagine better than most. Having someone ripped from your family with no way of getting them back.”
“Maybe,” Meredith answered. “Maybe I can, maybe I can’t. It doesn’t matter.”
Meredith kissed her then, their lips pressing together through Ainsley’s salty tears. Ainsley held on tight, making their embrace last even longer. She didn’t care what happened next, all she knew was she didn’t want to go out that night
and celebrate without Meredith.
When Meredith pulled back, Ainsley looked at her, confident in her decision. “I don’t think I’m going to hang out with Adam tonight.”
“No, you should go. You only turn twenty-one once in your life. And like you said, you wanted to do this to celebrate, to not be held back anymore. You can’t do that here with me. Go out, have fun, get drunk, and call me if you need a ride.”
“I’d rather you be there.”
Meredith smiled. “I would rather be there, too, but I think I’m a bit done with partying. Eat your dinner. It’ll get cold and then it won’t be as good.”
“Can always reheat it,” Ainsley said, taking another bite of the lasagna.
“We could.”
Meredith got up and walked away, but when she didn’t go back to her chair, Ainsley got curious. Following Meredith’s path with her gaze, Ainsley waited to see what was going to happen. She came back with a sleek, thin box in her hand and set it down on the table.
“You could probably use this now. I wanted to give you something else, but Sam said this would be better, and I have to agree.”
Ainsley picked up the box and opened the lid, looking at the beautiful necklace inside. It glinted back at her in the light of the kitchen, and tears sprung to her eyes again, but this time for a whole different reason. The heart-shaped pendant was a thin silver and twirled around in on itself. There was no engraving etched into it, and when she fingered it carefully, the metal felt cool against her touch.
“It’s beautiful,” Ainsley whispered. “Thank you.”
It was simple and perfect for someone like her. Ainsley pulled it from the box and flicked her hair over her shoulder so she could lock the necklace into place around her neck. She brushed her fingers over it again before standing and hugging Meredith.
“Thank you,” she said again into Meredith’s ear before kissing her gingerly. “This means so much.”
“I wanted to feed your reading addiction.”
Ainsley snorted and stepped back, rolling her eyes. “I already finished the one book you did give me.”
“Already? Skipping out on some assignments?”
“Not at all.” Ainsley grinned. “And if I did, it would be for your class. It’s only fair game seeing as how you gave me the book.”
“I suppose,” Meredith answered. “Now eat up. You have a party to get to and need something in your stomach for it. Can you come back Sunday?”
“Yeah, I’ll come by Sunday.” Ainsley nodded and dug into her meal, giving Meredith brief glances that made her heart shudder. She was as good as gone as far as the relationship was considered. There was no going back.
#
She’d gone back and forth on the decision several times over the past few days. Ainsley hadn’t texted or called the whole weekend, and Meredith hadn’t seen her since Friday. She’d tried to talk to Sam, but he hadn’t answered his phone either, and when she’d gone over there, he hadn’t been around. She was glad he was getting back onto his feet, but not when she needed a friend.
Sighing, Meredith sat on the daybed in her office, having given up on writing anything that day. She’d tried and failed too many times to count and just threw in the towel, deciding to make up the words the next weekend when her life wasn’t as complicated. She had known Ainsley for nine weeks, and it felt more like an eternity. Something about her just clicked with Meredith, and that scared her more than anything else.
Meredith fiddled with her wool socks she’d pulled over her cold toes and waited for Ainsley to arrive. They were supposed to have an early lunch. Meredith wanted her to come and didn’t want her there at the same time. She had to break it off, and she didn’t want to. It would be better for both of them if she did it; she knew Ainsley would never be the one to do it.
Taking a deep breath, Meredith laid down on the bed, counting down the minutes until Ainsley would arrive. She’d almost fallen asleep when the knock on her door echoed through her house. Dragging herself up and out of the bed, Meredith went to the door and ushered Ainsley inside. Ainsley took her jacket and gloves off, and Meredith wished she hadn’t. She’d hoped to say her piece and have Ainsley leaving soon.
They sat down on the couch, and Meredith’s mind was anywhere but on Ainsley. She was rattling off tales about Friday evening and night, but Meredith was only half-paying attention to what was going on. It didn’t take Ainsley long, and it shouldn't have surprised Meredith but it did, to notice that something was amiss.
“What’s wrong?” Ainsley asked, pressing her hand to Meredith’s. “What’s going on?”
“I—I—” Meredith stuttered and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“This,” she said, moving her hand between them. “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, well before Friday, and I just—I don’t think I can.”
Ainsley sat back, no longer touching Meredith. The tension in the room hit the ceiling. Meredith didn’t dare look at Ainsley. If she did, then she wouldn’t be able to go through with it.
“I don’t understand.”
Meredith whined in the back of her throat. “I haven’t explained it. This is my job, my career that’s at stake here.”
“You said you didn’t care.”
“Well, I do. It’s hard to just throw away fifteen years of my life. I’ll be able to retire in another ten—I just—it’s my job.”
“So you’re breaking up with me because of your job, a job you said you didn’t care about a month ago.”
Meredith sighed. Ainsley was poking holes in her story, and it was working to her advantage. She felt backed into a corner and was afraid of lashing out. “Yes. It’s my job. Who doesn’t care about their job?”
“I don’t care about mine, if I had one that was. Why would I care about a stupid job that’s not going to get me anywhere?”
“I have a career. Not a job. It’s something I’ve worked hard at maintaining and keeping through the years. It’s not something I can just throw away on a whim.”
“Is this really about the job?”
Meredith pursed her lips and clenched her jaw. It wasn’t about the job. They both knew it, but Meredith couldn’t form the words. Her career at the university was only a small part of the reason. Meredith grabbed Ainsley’s hands and brushed her thumbs over the tops of them. She closed her eyes briefly before looking up and locking her gaze with Ainsley’s.
“It’s not just about that. There are many reasons. My career is only one of them. I don’t want you to get hurt, and you will get hurt. I’m thirty-one years older than you, Ainsley. I’m going to die before you.” She choked back tears. “I can’t watch you go through what Sam went through.”
“I don’t really think that’s your choice, but go ahead.”
“It can be my choice.”
“Go ahead with your other excuses.”
Anger flared in Meredith’s chest. She didn’t even try to tamp it down. Meredith dropped Ainsley’s hands and stood up, pacing the room. She let the anger move through her body and run her mouth. “They’re not excuses. They are genuine concerns, and if you can’t see that, then you’re not as mature as I thought you were.”
Meredith clenched her fists and barreled on with her argument.
“I can’t watch you go through what Sam went through. I don’t want you to go through that, not after everything you’ve already gone through. My career is at stake, and you know what, I just can’t. This is too hard for me. I’m not built for relationships. I never was.”
Ainsley stood up. Meredith stepped back, tears in her eyes at her own admission. Ainsley didn’t hesitate as she wrapped her arms around Meredith and hugged her tight. She kissed Meredith’s temple and then held on. Meredith hesitated. She breathed in deeply, Ainsley’s scent wafting up to her. She turned her cheek and buried her nose in Ainsley’s neck, finding the silver chain around her neck. She blinked back her tears again and wrapped h
er arms around Ainsley’s back, squeezing.
“I’m sorry,” Meredith whispered.
“Don’t be. It’s new, and it’s scary.”
“Shouldn’t I be comforting you?”
“I have a feeling I’m better at this relationship thing than you are,” Ainsley said.
Meredith snorted and sobbed at the same time. “I think you’re right.”
Pulling back, Meredith framed Ainsley’s face and waited a few seconds until she was sure she had Ainsley’s full attention. Her stomach fluttered as she waited, her heart trying to break its way out of her chest. The thought came crashing down on her, and she about started crying again. Instead, she kissed Ainsley quickly and then pressed their foreheads together, her hands sliding down to grab hold of Ainsley’s fingers.
“Forgive me?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“You want some relationship advice?” Ainsley asked.
Meredith closed her eyes and sighed, ready for anything Ainsley had to say. The least she could do was listen after what she’d just put Ainsley through.
“You can’t control your heart no matter how much you try to. And…the best part about fighting is making up.”
Laughing, Meredith moved and looked at Ainsley. She truly was a sight of beauty, her dark brown eyes reflecting nothing other than understanding, her hair pulled back out of the way so Meredith could see all of her face. Laughing again, Meredith kissed her.
“Is that a suggestion?” Meredith asked.
Ainsley took a step forward, forcing Meredith to take a step back. “More than a suggestion.”
They walked until Meredith’s back was against the wall between her kitchen and living room. Ainsley had planted her perfectly next to the doorway where there was nothing to block or hinder them. Her hands roamed up and down Meredith’s torso, and Meredith was at a loss for words. To go from so much hurt to so much love that quickly had knocked her for a loop.
Ainsley’s kisses centered her, bringing her back to the moment. Meredith focused on them and the sensations left in the wake of Ainsley’s adept fingers. Ainsley walked her fingers up Meredith’s stomach to her chin, where she tilted Meredith’s chin down and kissed her.
Memoir in the Making: A May-December Romance Page 19
