Commitment

by K. M. Golland

  Tash: Are you awake?

  She answered almost instantly.

  Alexis: Are you okay?

  Tash: No.

  Alexis: I’m on my way.

  Not even fifteen minutes later and there was a knock at my door. I stood up and peeked through the peephole, finding Alexis still in her Minion outfit, holding two takeaway cups of coffee. It was such a strange sight, considering the circumstances.

  I opened the door and she pouted when she took one look at me. Without hesitating, she walked past me to the bed and placed the cups on each bedside table, performing a double take at the jewellery box before climbing across the bed and under the covers.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘His secretary kissed him, so I came clean about kissing Dale.’

  Her eyebrows lifted and she bit her lip. ‘Okay.’ She patted the bed beside her and reached for her cup. ‘Let’s start from the beginning.’

  I nodded, climbed in beside her, grabbed my cup and rolled to my side, mimicking her head-propped-on-hand position. ‘Dean came back to the suite and apologised, then he explained that he’d been on his way to pick up my cake when he received a phone call from Hillary. Apparently she was hysterical, so he headed straight to her house and found her bruised, battered and scared.’ I took a quick sip of my coffee, shocked to find it wasn’t coffee at all, but hot white chocolate — Alexis’s favourite.

  She must’ve noticed my what-the-fuck-is-this face.

  ‘It’s a miracle drink. Trust me.’

  I didn’t argue with her, and traced the rim of the plastic cover with my index finger. ‘You know what Dean is like, Lex, he’s a big softie. Has a heart of gold. All he wanted to do was help his secretary and make her feel safe. I get that. I’m not selfish enough to punish him for choosing that over my birthday.’

  She touched my arm lightly and sipped her drink.

  ‘Anyway, he stayed with her and calmed her down, helped treat her wounds and … she kissed him.’

  ‘That’s it?’

  ‘Apparently. He said he never kissed her back. She’s like a little sister to him.’

  ‘You sure ’bout that?’

  I frowned at her. ‘Yes, I am. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Because as you well know, you can have nothing but the right intentions in any given situation; then, enter a moment of weakness and the outcome completely changes.’

  ‘If you’re asking could he have instigated the kiss? Sure. But he said he didn’t, so I believe him.’

  ‘That’s good, hon.’ Alexis was quiet for a moment before continuing. ‘So … Hillary obviously doesn’t see him as a big brother.’

  ‘No. Obviously.’

  ‘Okay then. She is problem number one. We’ll get back to her. So what happened after he told you that she kissed him?’

  ‘Well, I felt so guilty that he hadn’t kissed her back that I just blurted out my mistake of kissing Dale.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He was so angry … and disappointed. He called me … filthy.’ Tears burned my eyes, their trail down my face an acidic sting.

  ‘Oh, hon, he didn’t mean that.’ She rubbed my arm soothingly and took my cup from my hands. ‘Wound them and they’ll show their true colours, but never forget that they love you enough for you to hurt them in the first place.’

  ‘I hate that I’ve wounded him.’

  ‘Of course you do.’

  ‘I think he hates me.’

  ‘He could never hate you. He’s just shocked and needs time.’

  ‘I can’t lose him, Lex. He’s my everything. Him and the boys.’

  She handed me a tissue, so I blew my nose.

  ‘Fucking up and kissing Dale has reminded me of just how much I love and appreciate all I have with Dean. All the big things like our home, our children … our eighteen-year love story built with tears, struggles, compromise and happiness. But it’s also showed me just how much I adore the little things, like how easily he makes me laugh, how much I miss him when he’s not around, how willing he is to give me what I want when he knows I want it, and how attentive he is with the boys. All these things, big and little, are us — Dean and Tash, Tash and Dean. They’re our life, our marriage. And I took them for granted when I welcomed Dale’s advances and feelings.’

  ‘I wouldn’t exactly say you took them for granted, hon. You were confused. There was something lacking in your life and you didn’t know what it was.’

  ‘But should I have been confused? I mean, really? Did Dean ever give me reason to believe I wasn’t his everything? And that if he wasn’t my everything, he’d do what he could to be just that?’

  Alexis rolled onto her back and turned her head to face me, stretching her wrist above her. ‘I don’t know … did he?’

  ‘No. I can’t say that he did.’ I followed suit and relieved the hand supporting my head of the pins and needles attacking it. ‘Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.’

  Alexis bit her lip and tried not to smile. ‘Bad?’

  ‘Yes. What the fuck?’

  Lying there, both of us flapping our hand back and forth like idiots, a memory of Dean rocking his head from side to side — a goofy but pained expression on his face — hit me like a truck. Tears yet again poured from my eyes, and I started doing the same thing, tossing my head back and forth, sweeping my head along my pillow repeatedly.

  Alexis sat up, a look of concern on her face. ‘What’s wrong? What are you doing?’

  ‘It.’ Sob. ‘Stops.’ Sob. ‘Pins and needles in your hand.’ Sob.

  Tentatively, she started copying me, rocking her head from left to right, right to left, increasing the pace, until a smile formed on her face. ‘Holy crap! It does stop it. How’d you know that?’

  ‘Dean,’ I admitted. ‘My stupid, goofy, amazing Dean.’

  More sobs racked my body and my vision blurred. Alexis lay back down and wrapped her arms around me tightly. ‘That’s it, get it all out. And when it’s out, you’re gonna get some sleep. And after that, I’m gonna order us a huge-arse breakfast. And then, we’re gonna start planning how to sort shit out with your husband.’ She kissed my temple. ‘You, my dear, are gonna get your alpha female on.’

  * * *

  The hum of a distant motor grew louder and louder by the second, and a bright light slammed against my closed eyelids. It was intrusive. Unwelcome. But even more so when I was suddenly yanked from a happy place and greeted by the not-so-wondrous thing known as Alexis in the morning.

  ‘Rise and shine.’

  I reluctantly pried open an eye and growled like a bear in labour.

  ‘Oooh … maybe not the shine part, ay?’

  ‘What time is it …’ I moaned. ‘Fuck the world o’clock?’

  ‘Something like that.’ She pulled the covers back, and that was when I noticed she was no longer Minion-like, instead dressed in jeans and a blouse and her hair less canary yellow. ‘Come on, get up. Go have a shower. You look like Barney’s pubes.’

  I laughed. ‘What?’

  ‘Trust me. When I woke up and rolled over this morning, I thought I was in some weird dinoporn film.’

  ‘Dinoporn?’

  ‘Uh-huh. If you think some of the books I’ve recommended to you are crazy, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.’

  ‘Really? The one I’m reading now is pretty fucked up, Lex. The dude kidnapped her and she’s falling for him. He’s seriously cunty.’

  ‘Your purple head is seriously cunty. Go and shower. Breakfast will be here by the time you get out.’

  Rolling out of bed, I stretched and yawned. ‘Alexis Summers soon to be Clark, I love you, and you’re not cunty, even in the mornings.’

  ‘Go!’

  After standing in the shower until the water at my feet no longer resembled Ribena juice, I got out, got dried and got dressed, still loving that I no longer had to pick clumps of hair from out of my arse crack. That was definitely a perk of having it cut.

  ‘Mmm … smells good. What did you order?’
>
  ‘A bit of everything. And bacon.’

  ‘Isn’t bacon part of the “everything”?’

  ‘No! Good God, no. Bacon is in a league of its own.’

  ‘Okaaaay!’ I drawled, giving her crazy eyes as I sat down at the small dining table.

  ‘Don’t boggle-eye me. It’s true! Give me a food other than bacon that is meaty, fatty, salty, chewy, crispy, and still has the ability to make your lady bits quiver when smothered in maple syrup.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Too right, you can’t. That’s because bacon is its own food group, known as YesYesYesYesYESSSSS.’

  ‘Donuts are YesYesYesYesYESSSSS, too!’

  ‘No they’re not. They’re just YESSSSS.’

  ‘What’s pizza?’

  ‘Yas!’

  ‘Tacos?’

  ‘Yippee!’

  ‘Chocolate?’

  ‘OhhhhYeah!’

  I cracked up laughing and dropped my head to the table. ‘What are we even talking about?’

  ‘I don’t know exactly. Food. Orgasms. Orgasmic food. Foodgasms.’

  ‘How ’bout we talk about me getting my alpha female on and sorting shit out with Dean instead?’

  ‘We are.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘With bacon, or donuts.’

  The fork covered in scrambled egg that was en route to my open mouth paused. ‘Somehow I don’t think bacon or donuts will do the trick.’

  ‘They will if you serve them to him on a Tashtray. Get it? Ashtray … Tashtray?’

  ‘Is there vodka in that orange juice?’

  ‘No. But there can be.’ She leaned over, opened the minibar, and pulled out a miniature Grey Goose. ‘You want?’

  I shrugged. Fuck it. ‘Sure. Why not?’

  She poured it into my OJ then grabbed a bottle for herself.

  ‘Aren’t you still breastfeeding?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘That explains Brayden’s dribbling and constantly passing out.’

  ‘Oh shut up. I fed him first thing this morning while you were dribbling and passed out.’

  ‘Fair enough. Sooo … back to this Tashtray,’ I mumbled, scarfing down a hash brown. ‘What are you saying? Get him to eat food off my body?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Sounds messy and unhygienic. I don’t know … we did the whole whipped cream nipple crap when we were younger. It stank. I stank. It wasn’t good.’

  ‘Tell me something … does bacon smell bad?’

  I thought about it for a second. ‘No. I can’t say that it does.’

  ‘Does cream smell bad?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘End of story. So phase one of Operation Alpha Female is: get naked and wear bacon.’

  Get naked and wear bacon. Sounds like a commercial. ‘Okay. So what’s phase two?’

  ‘Buy him a present, which reminds me, what’s that?’ She pointed to the gift Dean gave me.

  ‘It’s my birthday present from Dean.’

  ‘What did he get you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t opened it yet.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I couldn’t. I was too sad.’

  ‘Are you too sad now?’

  ‘A little, yes.’

  ‘Okay. Open it later when you’re not so sad. In the meantime, think of a present you can get him. Something that shows him he’s on your mind even when he thinks he’s not.’

  Hmm … socks? He’s forever putting holes in them with his big toe. No, bad idea. Maybe a family photo for his desk? No. He did mention some Xbox controller thing the other day. That one was a possibility.

  ‘You look like you’re in the bottom row of the Brady Bunch square. Why are you looking up?’

  I laughed. ‘I’m thinking.’

  ‘About?’

  ‘Gifts for Dean. He’s so hard to buy for. I don’t know what he likes and doesn’t like.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I don’t know … none of it seems to interest me, so I don’t really pay much attention.’

  She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows.

  ‘Okay, okay, I’m a bad wife.’

  ‘No, you’re a busy wife, but that’s kinda no excuse. You need to pay just as much attention to him as you want in return.’

  ‘I know what to get him!’ I exclaimed, interrupting her and pointing my knife for effect. ‘He loves jotting down the team stats at William’s footy games. There’s got to be an app that will give him more stats and stuff, right?’

  She shrugged. ‘I suppose. If there’s apps for cats then there must be an app to record stats.’

  ‘It’s not really a grand gesture, though, is it?’

  ‘No. But it doesn’t have to be,’ she mumbled around her mouthful. ‘It’s the thought that counts.’

  ‘Okay. Leave it with me.’ I sucked down some of my screwdriver, squinty at the bitterness so early in the morning. ‘So …’ I coughed. ‘Is there another phase?’

  ‘Yep. Phase three: kidnap him.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Take him somewhere without giving him a say in the matter. Go away. Have uninterrupted us time, and remind him of why the two of you are perfect for each other.’

  ‘That’s a great idea!’

  An awesome thought sprung into my head, and I couldn’t smile any wider. ‘Do you think boss-man will let me borrow one of his cars?’

  ‘I guess. It would depend on which one, but I don’t see why not.’

  ‘Eleanor.’

  ‘Does Dean have a thing for Mustangs?’

  ‘No. I mean, yes. Actually, I think it’s more a thing for the movie. I’m not exactly sure. All I know is that when he found out boss-man had picked Eleanor up, he couldn’t wait to see her. So I’m thinking a trip down the Great Ocean Road to Lorne in Eleanor would be perfect.’

  Her eyes lit up. ‘You’re right! That is perfect. Okay, leave Eleanor to me. When do you want to do this?’

  ‘Sooner rather than later. Maybe next weekend?’

  ‘Okay. You’re set. Now eat up, you gotta get that arse home. Operation Alpha Female is now in full swing.’

  * * *

  ‘Mum, why didn’t Dad come to your birthday party?’ Thomas asked as we drove along the Tullamarine Freeway on our way home from City Towers.

  I glanced at him through the rear-view mirror, his attention fixed to a giant yellow sculpture that we often referred to as the big cheese. ‘He had to help out a friend who got hurt.’

  ‘How was his friend hurt?’ William asked.

  ‘She got beat up.’

  ‘She’s a girl?’ Thomas sat upright in the backseat, his eyes wide and finding mine in the mirror’s reflection.

  ‘Of course she’s a girl, dummy.’

  ‘William!’ I chastised. ‘Do you have to be so nasty?’

  ‘Well, it was a dumb question. A “she” is not a boy.’

  ‘He’s eight. Remember that. You were asking “dumb” things at that age too.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Hmm … let me think. I vaguely recall you asking me why you couldn’t see your eyes.’

  Thomas burst into laughter. ‘Because they’re in your head, dummy.’

  ‘I did not ask that.’

  ‘Yeah, you did.’

  ‘Anyway,’ Will huffed, ‘you can see your eyes. You just need to look into the mirror.’

  I nodded. ‘This is true.’

  ‘Mum, what else did William say that was stupid?’

  ‘I think he asked where the clouds go at night.’

  There was silence, which was rarer than a leprechaun, so I quickly turned my head to see if they were both still alive.

  They were.

  ‘Where do clouds go at night?’ Thomas asked.

  I laughed. ‘Nowhere.’

  There was further silence, and I couldn’t help but appreciate the moment I was having. A parent moment. A moment where everything horrible, tiresome and daunting simply melted away because of the inn
ocence of your child’s inquisitive mind. Children were good like that. They saw black and white through a kaleidoscope of colour, a kaleidoscope I wish would keep turning before my eyes and blocking out the fact that I’d just pulled into my driveway and was moments away from facing my devastated and furious husband.

  It was anticipation of the worst kind.

  I struggled to turn the key in the lock due to the nervous tingle of my fingers, so I quickly shook them then opened the door.

  ‘Dad! We’re home.’

  The house was still and relatively dark, the curtains drawn, the TV lifeless. ‘I don’t think he’s here, Will.’

  Will walked in and out of rooms. ‘He’s not. Where is he?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I’ll ring him and check after we’ve unpacked and settled in.’

  I walked into the living room and put my bag down, nearly covering the note he’d written for me.

  I need some time to think,

  or not think.

  Either way, I need some time to myself.

  I’ll be home tomorrow.

  CHAPTER

  27

  DEAN

  When I’d returned home the night before, the smell of Tash on our bed sheets had punched a hole in my chest. I couldn’t sleep, each inhale triggering a vision in my head of her kissing that cockhead she worked with and wondering why … why would she kiss him? Wondering what he had that I didn’t, if it was a passionate kiss, and if his greasy fucking hands were all over her body … all over my wife’s body. The uncontrollable thoughts had driven me insane, and the more I’d thought about it the more gut-churning scenarios had formed and taunted me.

  I couldn’t deal with the torture so I slept on the couch. Except when I woke nothing had changed.

  I was still concocting scenarios.

  I was still asking why.

  I was still feeling fucking murderous and needed to pay this Dale fucker a visit.

  Pulling into the car park at City Towers, I didn’t exactly know where he’d be or how I was going to see him. All I knew was that this was still Tash’s place of work and I wasn’t about to make a scene. At least not a public scene.

  ‘Mr Jones, how are you today, sir?’ the flamboyant City Towers receptionist asked, his immediate recognition throwing me back a little.

  I inconspicuously glanced at his nametag. ‘Liam! I’m good, mate, how are you?’