by Dee Tenorio
“It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.” Dusty, filled with boxes, but still the most amazing gift anyone had ever put in front of her.
He tried to hide his sigh of relief, so she pretended not to hear it. But really, did he think she didn’t know how important it was to him to share his history with his child? To steep her in the knowledge that she belonged?
For just a second, she let herself consider staying, no matter what, just so he could do just that. Shut down her senses and tell herself whatever she had to, just so she could give him the life he was offering her. The life she could almost dare to dream of with him.
But that would be so wrong, in so many ways. She’d do nearly anything for him…but she couldn’t do that to herself. He wasn’t asking, would never ask her for something like that, but in that second, she considered it.
No. Not again.
So she kept her hands at her sides and went no closer to the crib. It would promise too much. She wouldn’t lie to him any more than she would herself.
They looked forward in silence, both seeming to weigh what their words might cost. What-ifs floated around the room like dust motes, each one too painful to ask.
“Come on.” Locke led her back through the maze of things. Convoluted and winding, it felt as if the path was three times longer going out than coming in. She kept looking back for the crib waiting at the end of it, only able to see parts of it here and there, through cracks between boxes and under tables. Just out of sight, just out of reach, unless she followed the exact path back.
That thought stayed with her long after Locke pulled the door closed behind them, locking all that possibility inside.
Chapter Ten
The weekend didn’t last long enough. Neither did the three days afterward. Susie sat in her chair on Thursday afternoon, looking at her computer and wishing she gave a shit about the screen in front of her. She really should too, considering she had been attempting to work on her bills. Instead, all she had on her mind was Locke.
After they left the crib in storage, he’d become quieter, but not distant. He pampered her in ways she was almost ashamed to have allowed. They wallowed in bed most of the time, ordering in their meals, making love, talking about nothing. She talked him into letting her use olive oil to rub down his back, then he returned the favor, with some perks that still had her blushing. All the while, he thought he was fooling her. That she didn’t see the pain when he watched her. That she didn’t know what she was doing to him.
Killing him by degrees.
She rubbed her face, willing courage into herself, but nothing noticeable seemed to happen. She could still feel the fear, like a jagged, frozen stone in her gut. It had been with her so long, she almost couldn’t remember being without it. Except… When she was with Locke, the edges lost their cutting spikes. She forgot about the shadows in her soul. No, that wasn’t it. More like…she could see past them. He made her remember there was more to her than just pain and the dark that haunted her. She wasn’t whole—she didn’t think that would ever happen—but she was…peaceful with him. He gave her hope that she could have a real life, a real future.
The trouble was, the fears always came back when he was gone.
Her mother hadn’t taught her much, but she’d imparted one valuable lesson before she’d thrown her daughter out of their beer-scented trailer. If you couldn’t be happy on your own, no one else could do it for you. Locke couldn’t hold her hand every minute of every day. And she’d hate herself for becoming so weak that she would need him to.
She should have left a long time ago. She should never have let it get this far.
But even that was a hollow admonition. If she had, she wouldn’t be having this baby. She wouldn’t have ever known what it meant to truly love someone, even if that man was exasperating and pushy and broody and completely deaf when he heard something he didn’t want to know. She couldn’t regret it. Not him, not loving him, certainly not carrying his baby.
The only regret was knowing she would have to leave.
You could stay…
She’d had the thought at least a thousand times in the last few days. Malcolm might never come. He might be obsessive, but he was also extremely lazy when it came to things he felt were beneath him. Surely harassing intractable store clerks fell under that criteria.
Maybe Malcolm had changed since she’d left. She scoffed at the vain hope, but it was possible. Maybe he wasn’t looking for her at all…
Unbidden, the memory of his eyes that last night flashed through her mind.
She jerked in her chair, her feet slapping down again, as if she’d been falling and caught herself, though she knew damn well it wasn’t the case.
Those weren’t the eyes of an insane man. Not even one driven too far over the edge. They were the satisfied eyes of a man destroying what he hated most in the world.
No, she couldn’t allow herself even the illusion that Malcolm had changed. Not for a second.
She rubbed her hands over her eyes and sighed.
This is a big fucking mess.
She didn’t have the answers, couldn’t fathom a conclusion where any of them weren’t savaged. The only true protection she had was a file of papers in her suitcase that she couldn’t bear to look at, and those were hardly enough to stop Malcolm. At best, they were a message to whomever might be looking for her if he ever got to her. A three-inch-thick list of her sins and the sins of the man who’d love nothing more than to see her in a bottomless grave.
The bell over the door pried her from those chilling thoughts, but as she craned her head to see who might have wandered in, new chills took its place. A man in a beautifully cut double-breasted suit stood, looking around the store with gimlet eyes. A man she didn’t know. The town had grown, but not so much that she hadn’t seen just about everyone who lived there at least ten times a month. This man didn’t fit in Rancho del Cielo.
Susie scrambled out of the chair, edging as far into the closet next to the desk as she could. The few inches weren’t much, but he wouldn’t see her unless he came looking. Already shaking, she could only hope he wouldn’t do that. It took everything she had in her to stay still and rely on Amanda to hold the man at bay without being asked.
“Can I help you?” Amanda asked from behind the register.
“I’m looking for Susanne Packard, please.” The man had a pleasant enough voice, Susie decided, but there was a definite tremor there. Why would he be nervous looking for her?
“She’s not in at the moment.” God bless her, Amanda could be as suspicious and protective as her brother. “Is there something I can help you with? Would you like to place an order for some of our…custom designs?”
She wouldn’t have thought she’d find anything funny in this situation, but Amanda’s obvious hint and the man’s choked silence almost had her lips twitching.
“N-no, I need to speak with her about some very sensitive information.”
“You’re from that law firm.” Amanda’s tone was so cold Susie almost didn’t recognize it.
“Yes, but I need—”
“You’ll excuse me if I don’t really care about what you need. You people made yourselves very clear about your intentions. And I believe we were very clear about ours. We have no interest in doing business with you.”
“I’m not here on behalf of the firm. Their part of this ended when the loan was paid in full—”
Paid in what?
“—tell her I’m willing to pay her fifty thousand dollars for any information she has on Kayla McCormick.”
Susie covered her mouth with her hand, squeezing her eyes shut. No. Nonononono….
“We don’t know any Kayla McCormick,” Amanda replied indifferently. “Even if we did, why would we tell you anything about her?”
“I’ll make it seventy-five.”
Amanda’s derisive snort must have upset him because Susie heard a scrabbling noise, something scraping or sliding on the checkout counter befor
e Amanda snapped at the man. “What is wrong with you?”
“You don’t know him, lady.” The open desperation in the lawyer’s voice now spoke volumes Susie knew Amanda would never understand. But she did. “He’ll ruin me. He’ll ruin my whole fucking family for losing this lead.”
“If you don’t get out of this store, I’ll call my whole fucking family.” Had Amanda ever sounded so viciously cold before? Or was she just that pissed off? “Trust me, buddy, whoever it is you’re so scared of will seem like a pleasant dream when my brothers get done with you. You’ll be breathing through a straw for the rest of your life.”
“I-I’m sorry, okay? Just, promise me you’ll tell her. Seventy-five grand. All I need is a number. An address. Anything.”
“Out!”
Susie waited, her back pressed to the wall of the closet, listening for the peal of the bell over the door before she took her next breath. When it came, relief didn’t come with it. She slid down, her butt hitting the ground while her hands flew to cover her face. She couldn’t even cry. She simply shook, frozen in place while icy terror wrapped its claws around her throat.
“Susie?” Amanda’s voice was soft as a whisper. Gentle hands touched her, but darted away when Susie twitched at the contact. “Susie, are you okay?”
Okay? Okay? How could she possibly be okay? This man worked for Malcolm. Like her, he was terrified of failing. The price was too high. Too dangerous.
Resisting the urge to scream, Susie dropped her hands from her face. Through swimming vision, she could see Amanda’s concern. Her pale blonde hair hung over her shoulder, obscuring her blue cable-knit sweater. Light blue, like her eyes. Like Locke’s eyes…
“What did you do?” The question came out by itself, a thought Susie hadn’t fully realized. But now that it was out… “What did you do?”
Amanda’s pretty mouth flattened into a line.
“Why did he come here, Amanda? And don’t you dare lie to me.”
Damn it, Amanda’s chin rose. A sure sign of zero remorse and usually a big ugly fight no one wanted to have. “Locke asked me for the papers that firm sent, the one with the information on your loan. I gave it to him.”
Susie shook her head, betrayal and anger stabbing at her from all sides. “How could you do that? How could you go behind my back that way?” Especially when Amanda was so virulent about not letting her brother trample all over her life with his good intentions.
“He didn’t want you worrying about these people and neither did I.”
“Because of the baby.” The accusation felt like acid on her lips, but Amanda didn’t flinch.
“Yes.”
Amanda still didn’t get it. Susie could have wept, but her eyes were too dry to shed a tear. Now she absolutely had to go. Oh God, she had to leave now…
“Why?” She must have said that last thought out loud, because Amanda’s face had lost all color. “Stop locking me out, Susie. I can help.”
“You helped enough.” Watching Amanda recoil from the bitter words didn’t make Susie feel any better. No, it was ten times worse, because she couldn’t take the anger back. It was true.
“You can’t just…leave. What about Locke? What about me? This business? You’re not making any sense. Especially when he’s not even looking for you. He’s after some woman named Kayla. This whole thing is a misunderstanding from the beginning. Just tell them it was us in the brochure and it’s over.”
Bitter laughter bubbled up Susie’s throat. So innocent. So sheltered. Amanda couldn’t even comprehend that someone she knew and trusted could have lied to her. Could have kept a secret from her of that magnitude…
Then again, she’d kept a secret of her own, hadn’t she? Hers and Locke’s. A fresh surge of anger rushed through her. Damn Jackmans and their meddling. Always fucking meddling…
Susie struggled to find her feet, shrugging off Amanda’s help when the other woman touched her hands. “Don’t! Don’t touch me.”
Amanda’s face showed hurt, but Susie couldn’t let it slow her down. “You have no idea what you’ve done.”
Up, though her knees felt like castanets and her stomach was in so tight a knot she thought she might throw up any second, Susie made herself walk out of the store, into the hazy winter sunshine, across Main Street to Locke’s store. His bell wasn’t much different than hers, but it jangled violently when she threw open the door. A few faces turned her way, but not the one she was looking for. She scanned the room briefly, zeroing in on one of the elder twins, though she wasn’t sure which one it was.
“Where is he?”
The last time she’d had to ask the elder twins that question, they’d given her so much attitude she’d had to twist their ears and bring both of the hulking morons to their knees. Luckily, this one remembered how unwise it was to get in her way when it came to Locke.
“Back room, doing inventory.” Chestnut-colored brows drew together over dark-fringed eyes the same color as the rest of the family’s. “You okay, Susie?”
Concern, from someone she knew didn’t like her much, threatened to crack her anger. It was all she could do to shake her head and go in the direction he’d pointed.
No one else said anything as she made her way back there. And no one stopped her when she closed the door to the back room. Step by step, she passed the aisles of boxes. There wasn’t a ton of space here, but it was neat and cool, and the merchandise tall enough to hide her Viking. She found him in the last row, crouched down to inspect a large box that seemed to be giving under the weight of the one above it.
He noticed her right away, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth as he turned to look at her. It faded quickly. “What’s wrong?”
“How could you do it?”
He frowned. “Do what?”
Of course. Anyone else would have known right away what wrong, overstepping thing they’d done, but not Locke. He overstepped all the time, never understanding that people had boundaries for a reason.
“You paid my loan off.” Not an accusation. A flat statement of the truth.
His eyes narrowed but he didn’t bother trying to explain. He simply nodded. A slow dip of his chin. No apology. No remorse.
Was it the anger making her shake so hard she could see her hair shuddering in front of her face? Or was it still the fear? “You had no right—”
“I was protecting you.”
“No fucking right!” Anger, definitely the anger. She didn’t care that she screamed. “You ruined everything, Locke. You don’t even know it. You don’t know.” All her choices were gone now. She had to leave. She’d have to rip her own heart out of her chest and likely his as well, all because he couldn’t figure out how to talk first and do later.
He rose slowly, hands up, probably so as not to spook her. “What are you talking about, baby?”
The endearment stung. “You brought him to my door.”
Even in the dimmer light, she saw color drain from his face. “Hall is here?”
She shook her head. “His lawyer. Looking for me.”
“Susie—”
“You paid off the loan and now the man has no leverage. He’s desperate, so he came here. Because he knows what Malcolm does to people who don’t give him what he wants.”
“That doesn’t mean—”
“Yes, it does!” She ran at him, pushing at his chest. It didn’t do her any good, of course, but he let her hit at him. Let her hammer her frustration out, doing nothing more than wrapping his arms around her to hold her. Somehow, that made her even angrier. “He’ll come. When that pathetic little lackey goes back to Chicago, Malcolm will come. Because it’s the closest he’s been to me in four goddamned years. You did that, Locke. With your supposition and your presumption, you did that.”
She pushed herself out of his hold, hating how much it hurt to go.
Hurting that he let her.
“You’re so used to making all the decisions, you don’t even question anymore if it’s the right one.” Th
e lawyer wouldn’t see the payoff as the admission it was. He probably thought he’d pushed too hard, scared his quarry into hiding. But Malcolm would see it. Malcolm would know only someone with something to hide would clamp down with such quickness. Something to protect…
“He’s not all-seeing, Susie.” Locke sounded tired. As if he were fighting a battle he already knew he’d lost. “He’s not all-powerful.”
“Neither are you.” She backed up a step. Saw on his face when he realized she was leaving.
“Don’t do this. Don’t you go.”
She shook her head, the tears she’d expected earlier finally spilling in a torrent. She tried to hold in the sob, but it was like holding back a river. Another step, and this time he followed.
“No.” She mopped at her face with her sleeve, though it didn’t do any good. The pain overflowed anyway. “You stay away from me.”
If he touched her again, he might be able to change her mind. She couldn’t allow that.
“You have a home here. We have a life here. A future. Don’t go.”
“Don’t you think I know that? That I wanted it?” She squeezed her eyes shut, wrapped her arms around herself just as hard, but another flood spilled over her cheeks. Unbidden, she thought of the crib, the promise of it disappearing in an instant. Just like always, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t hold everything together.
“Then fight for it!” His voice was a whip, even if he didn’t mean it to be.
“I can’t!” Her shout rang through the room, forcing him into silence. He didn’t understand what it was like to be reduced to nothing. To have nothing left to live for and be forced to keep going. “All I know how to do anymore is survive. That’s all I have, Locke. There’s nothing else left of me.”
“If that’s what you think…why are you bothering? What the hell are you trying to stay alive for?”
The shaking intensified, but she couldn’t leave with him thinking she wouldn’t cherish what he’d given her. That she wasn’t well aware what she was stealing from him…or why. Her hand covered her abdomen protectively, a move he tracked with a stoic gaze. “Her.”
