by Tessa Teevan
I took a step forward just as she did. My free hand lifted to her cheek.
“Sierra,” I whispered, pausing as I memorized every inch of her face.
“Yes?” she breathed, her eyes searching mine.
“You better bring me back a buckeye.”
I couldn’t do it.
And I’d never been more disappointed in myself.
I blinked twice at Jeremy’s words. I could’ve sworn he had been on the verge of kissing me or revealing some deep, dark secret. Instead, he’d asked for a freaking nut? A poisonous one, at that? Right then, I could’ve shoved a few poisonous nuts down his throat. My nose burned, and tears threatened to flow.
I stepped back and nodded quickly. “Umm, sure. I’ll put that on my list. Okay, I need to go get ready. See you later!” I said before running into the house.
The way I flung myself onto my bed and buried my face in my pillow was probably dramatic. But I did it anyway. It masked the sobs racking through me. I cried for my stupidity. I cried for the humiliation of yet another near kiss. I cried because the one person who’d never made me cry was making me do just that, and even still, I couldn’t fault him for it.
After tiptoeing around my feelings for him for nearly the entire school year, reading way too much into every move he made, everything he ever said, analyzing his actions to see if it meant anything more, I finally had my answer.
I hadn’t budged an inch outside of the friend-zone, and I was finally realizing I never would.
I was such an idiot. How could I have thought I’d ever be anything but Tod to him? He’d never see me as anything more than the girl who always conceded and gave him the nun-chucks. The girl who didn’t hesitate to spit in her hand and shake, no matter how gross Lexi told me I was. The one who took one look at his pale face and swooped in to save the day, dissecting that frog all by myself so he wouldn’t get sick.
I was the reliable best friend, willing to do anything for the boy she loved.
I was Joey freaking Potter.
No, I was worse than Joey Potter. At least she got to kiss her best friend. Not me. I’d just been reminded that this entire thing was one-sided.
I was just glad I hadn’t told him.
As the tears finally stopped flowing, I resolved then and there that I’d never again let his nearness give me butterflies.
I thought leaving him that summer was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.
Staying would’ve been so much worse. And, as much as I had been dreading the goodbye, now, it couldn’t come soon enough.
I was an idiot.
I knew it even before Jenna shoved me and told me that I was one. She’d witnessed the whole ordeal and was none too impressed with how her twin brother had handled himself.
“She was practically begging for you to kiss her! And you ask for a freaking leaf?” she screeched as soon as I walked into our kitchen.
“It’s a nut,” I informed her.
She rolled her eyes. “No, you’re a nut.” Then she put her hands on her hips. “You’re unbelievable. Unbelievable!”
“What do I do, Jenna? What if she doesn’t like me like that? What if I tell her how I feel and then she says she only sees me as a friend. I’d ruin everything.”
She scoffed. “So you’re an idiot, unbelievable, and blind. What a freaking trifecta. Get a clue, Jer. She likes you likes you.”
“Are you two talking about Sierra?”
I jumped at the sound of Lexi’s voice.
“Yep,” Jenna said. “Numb nuts over here doesn’t think she likes him.”
Lexi let out a loud laugh then slapped her hand on the kitchen counter. “You’re kidding me, right?”
Jenna shook her head.
Lexi sobered a little. “You are a numb nuts.”
“Stop talking about my nuts!” I shouted, stomping out of the room.
The sound of their laughter followed me even as I plopped down on my bed and buried my face in my pillow.
As much as I wanted to deny it, they were right. I wasn’t just an idiot. I was a coward. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I was terrified that everything would change the minute I told her how I felt.
But wasn’t that the point? I didn’t want things to stay the same. I wanted them to change—for the better. And how could that happen if I kept my mouth shut and my feelings hidden away? It couldn’t. So, that night, as I got ready, I listened to the sweet, sappy sounds of Boyz II Men, psyching myself up to tell Sierra the truth. My brilliant plan was to get to the party, make a few rounds, and then drag her behind some sand dune far away from everyone else and ask her to be my girlfriend. Sounded perfect, right?
Well, I thought so.
That was before some junior placed a red Solo cup in Sierra’s hand and pointed her towards the keg. She scurried away from me, filling her cup and finding an empty spot in the sand next to a few of her fellow cheerleaders. I sighed and figured it was my fault anyway.
Four beers later—for her, not me—my plan was annihilated thanks to Danny freaking Moyer. When I’d finally made my way back to Sierra, he was sitting next to her, his arm around her shoulders. Jealousy rose within me at the sight of another guy touching her bare skin. Those shoulders were mine. All of a sudden, fierce possessiveness roared, the urge to lay claim surging through my bloodstream. I didn’t want to share Sierra, and the longer I watched them, the angrier I became. It was only a matter of time until I turned into a roid-raged monster whose adrenaline would’ve torn the arms off even the strongest man. I was about to Hulk out for Sierra. Fuck.
“Banks!” he called as I approached. “Where’ve you been hiding this one?”
Sierra let out a giggle, and then she hiccupped. Shit. I should’ve been watching her more closely. Her experience with alcohol had been fairly limited, and I was worried she’d overdone it.
“He doesn’t hide me,” she slurred, shooting me a glare before plastering a drunken smile on her face. “In fact, he doesn’t do anything with me at all. He’s just my best friend, as he’s always been. Little Sierra Sullivan and little Jeremy Banks. Friends forever.”
If I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought she was being sarcastic. Apparently, drunk Sierra was a grumpy one.
“Little?” Danny smirked, enjoying this way too much for my taste.
Her eyes widened, and she shook her head profusely. “Oh, I don’t mean little! At least, not in that sense. You know, this one time, I walked in on—”
I raced over to her and promptly pulled her to her feet, effectively cutting her off. We were probably ten seconds away from a repeat performance of her stellar “Strokin’.” Fuck. That thought made me half hard.
“Okay, Sierra, I think it’s time to head home.”
She frowned. “What? Why? We just got here.”
I raised an eyebrow. “We’ve been here for over an hour. And you’re going to need to sober up before you go home. Do you want your parents to catch you?”
Her head shook, and she allowed me to take her hand and start leading her away. “No, you’re right. Mom would kill me.” She tilted her head and gave me a drunken smile that looked kind of sad. “You’re so good to me, Jeremy. Always looking out for me. You’re the best.”
That was me. Good ol’ reliable Jeremy. Glancing at my watch, I saw we still had plenty of time. But how could I tell Sierra how I felt now that she wasn’t in the right state of mind?
I couldn’t, and that sucked.
“Hey, Sierra,” Danny called.
She stopped and gazed back at him, her eyes glossy. “Yeah?” The breathy whisper she’d offered him had me gritting my teeth.
“Don’t forget what I said. I’ll see you at the end of the summer.”
She nodded as a shy smile crossed her lips. It was a smile I’d never seen, and I hated it. I wanted to be the only guy to make her smile. It was selfish, but I didn’t care.
I got us a ride from one of the juniors, but instead of having him take us home, I had him
drop us off at the gazebo at the end of our neighborhood.
“What are we doing here, Jeremy?” Sierra asked.
“We have a couple of hours until curfew. I thought this would be a good place for you to sober up.”
I went to take her hand, but she either didn’t see me or didn’t want me to as she walked down the wooden planks, took the steps down, and planted her ass in the sand. I followed and sat next to her, staring out at the water.
Silent minutes ticked by. Nothing but the roar of the waves filled the air. My insides were twisting and turning as I tried to find the right words to tell Sierra just how much I was going to miss her. I hated that this was the last night we’d have together before she left town. Before she left me.
“So…” I breathed out, finally mustering up the courage to break the silence.
“So…” she repeated. Her finger was making trails in the sand. In the darkness, I couldn’t make out what she was writing.
“What did Danny mean?”
She looked up suddenly. Her face was showcased in the moonlight, and I was relieved to see that some of the glossiness had faded from her eyes.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
I fidgeted, hating the tightness in my chest. I’d never thought of Sierra with another guy. Hell, I’d never thought of Sierra with any guy. And now…it was painful. It was as if my heart were ballooning until it would inevitably pop and leave me with nothing but the shredded pieces.
“He said to think about what he said. So, what was it? What did he say?”
“Oh, that,” she said, waving me off like it was no big deal. “He asked if he could take me out.”
“Like, on a date?” I asked, the tightness intensifying, making it hard to breathe. “Seriously? He asked you out on a date?”
The incredulity in my voice surprised even me. I watched as the color drained from her face, and the smile faded from her lips. Her eyes blazed with the fury she was about to unleash. She’d completely misinterpreted my question, and before I could explain, she jumped up, kicking sand in my direction.
“Yes! On a date. Is that so hard to believe, Jeremy?! That a guy would actually find me attractive enough to take out?” She pushed her chest out, and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. “They may not be big, but I do have boobs, you know! Just because you don’t notice them doesn’t mean other guys won’t.”
Before I could answer, she ran up the steps, through the gazebo, and down the wooden planks towards the entrance of the neighborhood. I dashed after her, thankful she hadn’t gotten too far. As soon as I caught up to her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back. She flailed her arms and kicked her legs out, but I held on tight.
“Stop, Sierra,” I growled, surprised when she actually listened. Then I walked us back to the gazebo before plopping down on a wooden bench, not releasing her as she settled into my lap.
Her hair was wild around her face, and she wouldn’t look at me. Using my thumb and forefinger to lift her chin, I was taken aback to see her eyes swimming with tears. The vulnerability in them tore me apart. She’d never looked more beautiful. She’d never looked more heartbroken. I hated myself for it.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked, trying to sound teasing.
She shook her head. “Nothing. It’s stupid. I blame the beer,” she said as she scrambled off my lap and started pacing back and forth in front of me.
Just as I was about to join her, she stopped and faced me.
“Look, I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I know you don’t see me the way other guys do, so of course it would be a surprise that the star quarterback would want to take me out. I’m sorry for overreacting.”
“Sierra.” I stood and approached her, but she took a step back before I could pull her into my arms. “That’s not true. From the moment I met you, you’ve been the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Hell, I remember running home and telling my mom all about you. I felt that way then, and I still feel that way now.”
I couldn’t believe I was actually admitting that, but hey. Extreme times called for extreme measures, and this seemed to fit the bill.
Tears glistened as she let out a disbelieving laugh. “And that’s the problem. You still see me as dirty eight-year-old playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The girl who played kickball, skinning her knees, and spitting into your hand. Which is okay. I’m not the girly-girl wearing skirts and worrying about having perfect makeup. I don’t flirt or act ladylike. At least, not to you. That’s not how we are. That’s not how we’ll ever be. I’m finally realizing that.”
I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. That I didn’t see her as an eight-year-old girl. That, even though I’d been a blind fool, my eyes had finally opened. I wanted to wax poetic about her long, beautiful hair and how much I loved running my fingers through it while watching our favorite shows. How the beautiful blue of her eyes was my favorite color and, if Crayola could capture it in a crayon, I’d buy every single box until I had a lifetime supply. And her lips. God, I wanted to profess how, ever since that day in biology, her lips had had me transfixed and I wanted nothing more than a taste. I hadn’t cared that there was dead frog cut open and splayed out on the table. The way she’d sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, gasping and cursing as she’d drawn blood, had thrown all my disgust over the frog out the window. All I could see was her. All I wanted was her.
I wanted to tell her all of that.
But I didn’t, and I would regret it for the rest of the summer.
“Sierra—” I began to protest, but she cut me off, giving me a warm, watery smile.
“It’s fine, Jeremy. I promise. I have no problem being the Tod to your Copper. Or the Joey to your Dawson. That’s who I am.” She hesitated for a moment. “That’s who I’ll always be. You’re my best friend, Jeremy. It’s okay that you don’t see my boobs. Hell, it’s probably better that way.”
My stomach plummeted, and if I was man enough to admit it, my eyes burned with an unexpected rush of tears. I stepped out of the sight so she couldn’t see me. She misinterpreted the move, but before I could find a single ounce of courage, she was waving goodbye and running into her house, leaving me there to watch her go.
Something I never wanted to do again.
It wasn’t until after Sierra had left for Ohio and I’d had a chance to reflect on her words that I realized what she’d said. Dawson and Joey, as of right then, weren’t even speaking. Copper and Tod had gone their separate ways, and even though their friendship remained, they were still apart for the rest of their lives.
I didn’t want to be Copper anymore. I sure as hell didn’t want to be Dawson.
But it was too late. I’d lost my chance. I’d missed my window. Sierra was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Jenna was right.
I was an idiot.
I was unbelievable.
I was blind.
And, worst of all, I was alone.
MY FINGERS TREMBLED AS I slipped into my new bikini. It was the first summer Mom allowed me to wear a two piece, and even though I was covered in all the intimate areas, I looked in the mirror and felt…sexy.
After having spent the last two months with my grandmother up north in Ohio, I was back in Navarre and getting ready to head to the beach to see all of my friends. While it had been nice to spend time with my family, I missed my friends. Most of all, I missed Jeremy, and even though we’d talked on the phone weekly, it just wasn’t the same. It was the longest we’d ever been apart, and I vowed to myself: never again. Needless to say, I was pretty eager to see him.
And slightly disappointed that I’d been home for almost an entire day and he hadn’t come by yet.
I was also eager to show the new me off. It was as if karma had overheard my last conversation with Jeremy and smiled down at me, blessing me in the most incredible fashion. Over the summer, I’d filled out in all the right places. I, Sierra Sullivan, finally had boobs. It’d only taken fiftee
n years. My hips were slightly wider, and I no longer looked like a string bean. The way the swimsuit clung to my curves made me nervous, but at the same time, it was empowering to look into the mirror and finally see a woman staring back at me.
I wondered if anyone else would notice.
Oh, who was I kidding? The truth was, I was wondering if—and maybe not-so-secretly hoping—Jeremy would notice.
I also feared that he’d found a girl over the summer. He hadn’t had me occupying all of his time, and even though he hadn’t mentioned anyone, Jenna had given little hints here and there that maybe he’d seen Heather Perkinson more than a time or two at parties.
Sighing, I fell back on my bed and thought about the boy who’d held my affections for as long as I could remember. Over the course of freshman year, things between us had started to change, and I had been seeing him in such a different light. I hadn’t looked at him as just my best friend. I had been looking at him as so much more. And, to be honest, it had terrified me. It’d also thrilled me. The contradictions had made my brain swim, and every so often, I’d throw out a line, hoping to get a little nibble, to see if Jeremy was the catch I was hoping he’d be.
Every time I thought he was feeling the same about me and about to act on it, he didn’t. I started to think I’d been imagining it all. That perhaps he didn’t return my feelings and maybe I was reading too much into his actions. So, when the opportunity to spend the summer in Ohio arose, I jumped at it, hoping a few months of separation would get my head back on straight.
Wishful thinking.
Being away from him for the whole summer had done little to squash my feelings. In fact, I think it had amplified them, and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. What if he didn’t feel the same? What if this whole thing was one-sided and, in the aftermath, it was too awkward to be around each other? Losing Jeremy’s friendship would kill me. Being in love with my best friend, who had no idea, was already starting to take its toll.
What if I told him and lost him? It would be unbearable. He’d always been an extension of myself. The silly “where you go, I go” mantra wasn’t actually all that silly. It was the truth. It was us. I couldn’t lose that, even if it meant hiding the way I felt.
