by Zoey Parker
“Fuck, as far as I’m concerned, she can go with my blessing. I just need to know why. If The Scarecrow’s after her, I wanna know what he wants. Maybe we can work something out. I don’t know. I have to start somewhere, though.”
“Gotcha.” The other men looked at each other, nodding. I realized they would have followed Lance to the gates of Hell if called to do so. They had that much respect for him, that much love for him. They wouldn’t have used the word “love,” I’d bet, but that’s what it was nonetheless. It was something to see.
“When do we roll out?”
“In an hour. Get something to eat, hang out, whatever. I wanna be outta here by five fifteen. It’ll only take fifteen minutes or so to get there. I wanna hang back, wait for her. I don’t want her to see us, or she’ll take off before I get a chance to talk to her.”
The guys nodded and walked out, leaving me alone with Lance.
“That good enough for you?” He wore a wry smile.
“Yes, that’s good enough for me.” I smirked.
“I was proud of you. You managed to keep your mouth shut.”
“I can do it when I need to, thanks. I decided it was more important to hear what you were planning to do than to speak up.”
“Smart girl.” He grinned, closing the door so we could be alone. He sat beside me, and I couldn’t control the urge to lean into him. He put an arm around my shoulders while I rested my head on his chest. It felt nice, like there was somebody stronger than me who could take care of me. Not that I needed to be taken care of, of course. I could handle life on my own. Still, there was no denying how right it felt to put everything down for a little while and let somebody else support me…even if it was only my head they were supporting.
“I’m worried about you,” I admitted.
“You don’t have any reason to be,” he said, stroking my hair. “I’m flattered, though.”
I smacked him lightly, playfully. “I mean it. This Scarecrow sounds like the real deal. It bothers me to think about you trying to make a deal with him. People like that, bad people? They don’t play by the rules. Even I know that much.”
“He’s a businessman, that’s all. When he sees we can make a deal—probably with a lot of money in it—he’ll come around. Rae probably stole something from him or something stupid like that, like we said. She was never very smart when it came to the big things. He’ll be fine when I tell him he’ll get his money back.”
“No, she was never very smart.” I didn’t have the highest opinion of her to begin with, but the more I heard about her, the worse it got. So what if she used to be a nice person, the way Lance described her? Drugs changed who she was. How could she be so blind? Why would she ever get mixed up with a bad person like The Scarecrow when she had a little girl to think about? I counted my blessings, grateful that I’d never been in such a desperate place that I had to make a deal with a man like that. Grateful I’d never had to speak to him, much less know he was alive before meeting Lance.
“You all set for your adventure, then?” I grinned up at him.
“Adventure. There’s a word I never used before.” He grinned back.
“You’ll be safe, yes?”
“Of course.” He pulled me up by the shoulders until we were face-to-face. “I’m always safe. I have a little girl to think about, too.”
I hated the idea of him being her father, of raising her in his world…but it was nice hearing him talk about her as his little girl. Knowing he cared about her. He’d be the first person after me to really care about the kid. Her mother clearly didn’t.
A knock sounded at the door. It was Traci. “Dinner.”
“Dinner already?” Lance called out.
“Yeah, we figured we’d eat early since you’re going out in a little while. We can’t send you out on an empty stomach.”
Lance smiled. “They’re always thinking,” he muttered, shaking his head.
***
“Why aren’t you eating?”
I looked at Gigi. “What, sweetie?”
“Why aren’t you eating? Do you feel sick?”
I looked down at my plate of untouched food. I usually liked meatloaf, too, and everybody else seemed to be enjoying it. There was nothing I wanted less than to eat it. “No, sweetie. I feel okay. I’m just not very hungry tonight.”
“It’s good,” she assured me, going for another mouthful. I smiled, patting her on the head. She had no idea what was happening around her, and she didn’t need to know.
I couldn’t believe I was so worried about Lance. He could take care of himself, after all. He’d been dealing with nasty people his entire life, and he managed to come out relatively unscathed. This situation didn’t have to be any different from any other.
Only it was different. I didn’t know how I knew, but I did. There was something happening. Something bad. I wished I could tell him, wished he would take me seriously if I did. I knew he wouldn’t. He’d laugh me off, tell me I was acting like an idiot. If he didn’t say it out loud, his voice and the look on his face would say it all. I didn’t think I could handle that.
There was nothing I could do. My hands were tied, while my stomach clenched in knots. I felt nauseated, though I hadn’t eaten anything in hours. Even the smell of the food made me sick. I had to get up, had to get away. I pushed back from the table and went to the office, trying to get a breath of air. I wanted nothing more than to leave, to get far away and never think about the club or anybody in it again. I didn’t want to be a part of what was going on.
“Are you okay?” I turned to find Lance standing in the doorway. I was by the open window, breathing deeply despite the chill outside.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want him to see the look on my face.
“What’s wrong with you? I can tell there’s something wrong. What is it?” He touched my shoulder, but I stubbornly kept my face turned away.
“Nothing, I’m telling you. I don’t know. I felt a little sick to my stomach for a minute there. I thought I’d get some air, to see if it passed.”
“Has it?”
No. “Yeah, a little.”
“Are you worried about what’s gonna happen?”
“Why should I worry? You’re in charge. You’ve got it all figured out, right?” I tried to make my voice light. Why did I care so darned much? Why was it bothering me so much?
“Yeah, I do. I wish you believed in me.”
I turned around. “It’s not that. Don’t think it’s that, please.” I couldn’t help the tears that sprang to my eyes when I looked at him. My chin trembled.
“What is it, then?”
“I’ve never been through anything like this before.” I left it at that. It was enough for him to know I was worried about everything happening around us—me, spending time with a motorcycle club. Wanting Gigi to be safe. Wanting to get back to everything I left behind, my life, my job. He didn’t need to know I was worried about the way I worried over him. I couldn’t tell him how I questioned my feelings. Why did I care so much? That was what bothered me the most.
He seemed to accept my pathetic excuse, though. “I know. It’s tough when you first find out there’s a world you didn’t know about. I felt that way when I first joined the club.” He sat on his desk, facing the window. I turned, leaning against the wall.
“When did you join?”
“I was still a teenager, still in high school. Miserable, of course. I needed something else in my life. I was on my own, working nights, trying to get through school so I could graduate.”
“No more foster care?”
“Nah, I ran. They never found me. I don’t think they looked too hard—lots of kids drop outta the system without being found again.” He shrugged, and I wondered about all those kids. How many of them ended up like he did? How many ended up like Rae, or the junkies Lance told me about in the drug den? When looked at that way, Lance hadn’t turned out so badly.
“When I first started s
howing up here, looking for someplace to belong, it was so exciting. They were a family. I needed a family. And they are my family—I would do anything for them, they would do anything for me. I would probably be dead if it weren’t for them.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. I couldn’t keep going to school and working at the same time. I bounced from one friend’s house to another, sleeping on their parents’ couches. I didn’t have a home of my own, or any security. I could’ve ended up on the streets. I didn’t because the club took me in. Look at me now. President of the club with enough money to retire on, and I’m only thirty years old.”
He gave me a small smile. “But it was hard, at first,” he continued. “I didn’t know how bad life could get. I thought I knew—with a foster family like mine, a mother like mine, I thought I knew the worst. No. It gets worse than that, even. I don’t wanna talk about it. But let’s just say I don’t think there’s anything that could shock me anymore.”
I reached out to him. His words should have repulsed me. Instead, they made me want to comfort him. I wanted to hold him and make him forget all the bad things he’d ever seen. I wanted to make life good for him. I wanted to be the good thing he always seemed to miss out on.
He took my hands, pulling me to him. Our faces were very close. “I always wanted a woman like you in my life,” he admitted. “I wanted somebody who didn’t know the things I know, who had something going on for themselves. You’re the closest thing I ever came to having that. Thank you for today.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” I said, blushing.
“I do. You don’t know what you did for me.”
“I was there. I know what I did.” I grinned, and he chuckled.
“Not what I mean.”
“I know,” I whispered, running my hands up his arms until I linked them behind his neck. I had to be near him. He was like a magnet, attracting me. I pulled him closer, just close enough for our lips to brush against each other.
“I don’t know if this is such a good idea right now,” he whispered, pulling away. I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.
“What do you mean?”
He grinned. “I need to be able to think. I can’t think when I’m with you. You have this effect on me.”
I settled for a peck on the cheek, then leaned against him with my head on his chest. I felt the steady thud of his heart and closed my eyes. Let him be safe, I thought.
“The night my parents died, I had a premonition that something would happen to them.”
“What?” He pulled back, looking down at me.
I nodded. “I knew something bad was going to happen. I felt it in my bones. I tried to warn them, but they laughed me off.” I shivered, remembering how they’d smiled and told me I was silly. I had watched them walk out the door.
“What are you trying to say?”
“I have a bad feeling. That’s all. That’s what’s really bothering me.”
He smiled, brushing my hair back from my face. “You’re just upset. It’s stress. That’s all.” I closed my eyes as he kissed my forehead. That didn’t feel like all it was, not by a long shot.
“Hey, Lance!” I recognized Flash’s voice.
Lance checked the time. “Shit. We have to go.”
I wanted to hold him back, wanted to beg him to stay. But he needed to go. If he didn’t, he’d never know what happened with Rae, why she left Gigi with him. What it meant.
“I’ll be okay. I’ll call you when I’m leaving to come back here. Okay?” He kissed me once, then walked out of the office.
I couldn’t bear to watch him go. I stayed away from the window, not wanting to watch as he rode away. I had the funny feeling I’d never see him again.
Chapter Seventeen
Lance
I wished she hadn’t told me about her premonition.
Not that I believed in premonitions or superstitions. It was all a bunch of bullshit to get people to give money or whatever they were supposed to do. Psychics and fortune tellers, shit like that. It wasn’t real.
Still. I shivered a little when Jamie told me she had a feeling about her parents before they died. I couldn’t shake it as I walked out of the clubhouse.
“You all right, man?” Flash clapped me on the shoulder.
“Just fine,” I said, grinning. “Let’s go find my ex.”
“You sure you’re not a little worn out from all the exercise you got today?” Slate and Jax laughed together.
I glared at them as we climbed on our bikes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means.” Flash winked.
“You, too? Ugh. I thought you were a little more mature.” I shook my head, putting on my helmet.
“Hey, man, whatever. Get it while you can. She’s smokin’ hot,” Jax growled, looking back toward the clubhouse doors. I could imagine what he was thinking about, and I wanted to slap the shit out of him for it.
“Yeah, well, that’s my business. But if you think I’m an old man who can’t handle fucking and taking care of business on the same day, you’re sadly mistaken.” I turned on the bike, revving the engine before pulling out from my spot. The guys followed me. I heard them laughing, even over the roar of our engines. I put them behind me, trying to ignore it.
I was glad they couldn’t screw around with me while we rode. I didn’t need them to laugh and make fun. I didn’t even know how the hell I felt about Jamie. They weren’t making it any easier on me.
She was hot, yeah. Jax was right about that. Anybody with eyes could see it. She was more than that, though. She wasn’t just a body. She had a heart, a good heart. She loved my kid. She was smart. She didn’t take bullshit. I admired her for that.
And she was phenomenal in bed. I couldn’t forget that either. My cock was still getting over her.
Any other woman and I wouldn’t have cared about the jokes. I probably would’ve joked along with the guys. She wasn’t like the other women. Not like any woman we knew or would know in our world. Women like Erica and Traci. The no-name women we slept around with.
I wasn’t comfortable with the way I felt. It was new to me. She was new. What could I bring to her life except more of the same shit I’d been bringing to it since we met? The fighting and the fear and the bad shit she had no idea how to deal with. That was all I had. It was who I was.
If I couldn’t bring anything to her life…what the hell could I bring to Gigi’s life?
I didn’t like thinking about it, but it was a long ride to the bus station, and I didn’t have anything else to think about. There was a reason Rae didn’t want me being a part of Gigi’s life, and it wasn’t the way we broke up. Even though she was a junkie, she thought she could give our daughter a better life than I could. That was a sad, sobering thought. She didn’t want Gigi to be part of the club—she could’ve hit me up for money at any time, and she never did. She was that much against me being part of the kid’s life. Even when she shot up.
She wasn’t wrong, though. Neither of us deserved to be parents, especially to a kid like Gigi. Jamie said Rae raised her the way she was. I believed that, but not all the way. There was something special about her. She was like an old person in a kid’s body. She was smart, and wise. A great kid. She’d grow up to be a great woman if she had the chance.
I wasn’t sure I could give her that chance. That was the problem.
I didn’t know how to be a good father. It wasn’t enough to do the opposite of what had been done to me. Not being abusive wasn’t all there was to it. There were late nights, and helping with homework, and going to meetings and games and practices and recitals and shit like that. I didn’t even know if she liked to play sports, or if she had any special talents. Her mother probably didn’t know either. Would she ever grow up to be the person she could be with me in her life?
I couldn’t just hand her over, though. Not even to Jamie. I still wondered if she was only getting close to me so she could trick me
into letting her have the kid. I didn’t want to believe she could be so cold, but I knew how much she cared about Gigi.
Maybe Jamie would make a better parent than I would.
I hated myself for thinking it. It felt like the coward’s way out, and I wasn’t a coward. If one of the guys in the club was going through something like I was, and they told me they thought about letting somebody else take care of their kid, I would think they were a coward.
I wouldn’t know the whole story, though. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if I had what it took to raise a daughter. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if exposing my kid to my lifestyle would fuck them up for life. I wouldn’t know the feeling of wanting them to have something better. My life was good enough for me. It was all I knew. She was better than that. She deserved more. I wouldn’t be like Hal, Erica’s dad. He was proud when she started hanging out with the club, working in the clubhouse after school. He loved it. She was following in his footsteps the way he followed in his old man’s footsteps. Even when he died, shot to death, she stayed around because she knew he would be proud of her. How fucked up could one family be?
