by Randy Grim
Darren and Dodo, I take solace in hoping Nurse Ratched and her never-ending supply of lime Jell-O will be waiting for them in their glory years. Fortunately, Casey found a new home with new parents who are over sixty years of age, and who understand where Casey is on her journey through life.
I love old dogs.
Enjoy Your Senior Dog
Exercise! He still loves his walks. The smells of the outdoors, peeing over another dog’s pee and sniffing a good butt or two is the spice of life for elderly pooches. Walking helps keep the aged bones strong.
A warm, soft, cozy bed for achy joints. Add a pillow for his snoozing head. Horsey likes a 300 thread count like his dad.
Invest in a baby gate to prevent stair falls. Easy simple solution. I use it on my mom, too.
Oh, my wonderful ramp! Use it for your bed, car, or even bathtub.
Elderly dogs should see the doc twice a year for wellness exams.
A senior diet keeps him healthy, not portly.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
To Crate or Not to Crate
Dear Randy,
I adopted Fred from you about six months ago, but I’m afraid it’s not a good match. Every time I leave the house, Fred gets in the garbage and chews up throw pillows, dirty laundry, shoes—you name it; he destroys it. I don’t believe in using a crate, that’s like a prison for a dog. He is about eight months old now. I’m at my wit’s end and think maybe I need a different dog—maybe an older one?
Thanks,
Obstinate Ollie
Dear Ollie,
Try using your noodle. Think Ollie, think!
Sincerely,
Randy Grim
While you and I may not like the thought of being in crates (although I welcome the thought when I read some of these letters), a dog’s point of view is very different: they like being in crates.
Consider the wolves. For them, a den is a place where the pups spend their first few weeks of life with their mother. It’s not shared with the rest of the pack and is a warm, safe place where they sleep, eat, and play. Wolves make their dens by digging with their paws, which is a trait passed on to my own crew and which is why my backyard looks like the moon’s surface.
So don’t think of a crate as a prison cell. It’s a dog’s version of a den, and if you have problems with the idea of crate training your dog, think of it instead as den training.
But a crate is much more than a den, it provides a secure nesting space free from all other distractions. It is your dog’s haven and your ticket to sanity. A comfy den should not be kept in too bright or busy of a room, because it’s supposed to be a place for the dog to decompress, his own private Idaho where he can be alone, kick back and play with his toys or chew on his bones in privacy.
The point is that crating a dog is not cruel as long as you don’t turn the crate into a tool of punishment. It should never be used as such. Think about it: when did having to go to our rooms as children for punishment ever work? I still snuck out the window and pulled off my shenanigans. Dogs are no different, so let’s do this exercise mantra aloud, before we go any further:
ALL DOGS LOVE SHENANIGANS
ALL DOGS LOVE SHENANIGANS
ALL DOGS LOVE SHENANIGANS
Repeat this fifty times so it sinks in. Shenanigans=Dogs. Do you think your dog will play with his X-Box, listen to music and vacuum while you are gone? Playing in the garbage is your dog’s X-Box.
Basically, I divide my life into two parts: before the crate and after the crate. Before the crate, Steffi and Patsy (whom I call my little lesbians, because they are inseparable) played Shenanigans whenever I turned my back on them. Those two dogs tag teamed attacks on my couch, my bed, and my closet the second I stopped paying attention. I even had them professionally trained but all that accomplished was a perfect “sit” next to whatever they just destroyed.
Then one night during the Christmas holidays, I got a call from Jenn that one of the dogs in the shelter was going into labor. She was a ghetto yellow Labrador mix rescue who was malnourished, suffering from heartworm and had no real nipples for the pups to nurse on, so I knew Jenn’s call was an emergency. Instead of locking Steffi and Patsy into the kitchen as I normally did, I just turned on the radio loud and bolted out the door thinking, “How much damage could they really do?”
During the course of the next several hours, as the mom dog labored in vain, the radio at the shelter—set to the same station as the one I left on at my house—played the same series of Christmas songs over and over and over. For some reason, ... here comes Suzy Snowflake dressed in her snow-white gown ... got so stuck in my head, it was if my brain’s cerebellum bled the words.... Dressed in her snow-white gown, weee the ride’s on me ...
Eventually we took Suzy (as we ended up naming her) to the vet where an emergency C-section was performed. She lived, some pups died and I was delirious from lack of sleep. All I could think about as I approached my house still humming the song was crawling into bed and sleeping for the next twenty-four hours straight.
When I opened the door, well ... picture the most evil hooligans armed with machetes declaring war on your stuff: overturned garbage in every room; sheets ripped completely off the beds; there were actually pictures from the wall on the floor. As I wondered around in a daze, the radio I left on for the dogs played ... Here comes Suzy Snowflake dressed in her snow-white gown ... weeee ... like the background music of a movie not far flung from The Shining. That awful song must have had something to do with my destroyed home.
Upstairs, my mattress sported a colossal hole in it as if a meteor ripped through my ceiling and into my bed. Bits and pieces of my shirts, shoes, and books littered the floor. I eventually found Steffi and Patsy on the stripped guest bed engulfed in clouds of pillow stuffing. When they heard me gasp, their faces popped up out of the white stuffing, they cocked their heads sideways in opposite directions, and then promptly did skilled “sits” next to all the mess they made.
Defeated, I climbed into bed fully dressed with my butt fitting snugly into the newly formed crater that once was my mattress and hummed myself to sleep, dressed in her snow-white gown ... weeee ...
That’s when I purchased two more crates.
Wire crates work best and allow a panoramic view for the pooch. Your dog’s crate should be just large enough for him to stand up and turn around in. If your dog is still growing, choose a crate size that will accommodate his adult size. Block off the excess crate space so your dog can’t eliminate at one end and retreat to the other. Place it in an area of the house he enjoys hanging out in. Mine are in my bedroom next to the crater bed and TV.
Desensitizing your dog to her new den will be the first step. Start by keeping the front door off the crate for easy access, and line the crate with comfortable bedding such as fleece. Let her spend a day just looking and sniffing her new digs. Once she sees that it doesn’t transform into a metallic canine-eating monster, start putting her favorite treats and toys inside the den. Use gentle praise, and don’t make a big fuss about it. Let her instincts start to kick in.
If she is being stubborn about it or shows no interest, try feeding her meals in the crate. We all like eating in bed.
After she waltzes in and out on her own and believes she has some cool new pad, it is time for tough love. Feed her in the crate but this time close the door. Pretend it is no big deal and walk away out of sight but stay close enough to hear what will probably come next, whining. Do not open that door. Go grab an adult beverage and sip it until the whining stops. Once she simmers down, release the door, and again, don’t make a fuss about it.
The first time you leave her alone in her crate for any length of time, grab an old dirty shirt out of the hamper with your magnificent stench intact and toss it in her den. Your smells will help her later on feel more comfortable knowing you are still close by somewhere. Now go grab a leash or a ball and get her tired, because you want a pooped pooch. Snatch a Kong toy, available at any pet store, and stuff it wit
h peanut butter or cheese. Place the Kong in the crate with her. Now, shut the door. She will probably howl, so turn up the TV or buy earplugs for you and your neighbors.
In time and especially with food, your dog will cease howling or whining. In fact many dogs pick up on their guardian’s actions and will boogie to their den when they see you grab your keys, for it all starts to become routine, habitual. My lovely old pit-hound mix Hannah is always in her den when she hears the shower going. She knows a clean Dad means he is about to leave the house. Hannah doesn’t need to be crated anymore. Her shenanigans stopped many years ago but she still goes to her crate with her favorite toy every time I leave. I don’t even shut the crate door. The lesbians, however, get locked in for maximum security.
Crating should never be used for punishment or endless hours of confinement. We all love going to bed but we do want to wake up and go to the bathroom eventually. This is a den, a home within a home. Make it nice.
My old chow Bear knows how to properly use a crate. He actually enjoys hanging out in one even though he has never been crated. Why train a perfectly behaved dog to use the crate, you might ask ... one word: K-A-T-R-I-N-A.
After rescuing so many dogs during hurricanes Katrina and Gustav and seeing so many dogs die or left behind because the guardians couldn’t or wouldn’t use a crate, I go nuts. We live in a world where natural and unnatural disasters can happen on a dime. Your pooch will thank you for having a safe den to nest in while you ride out the catastrophe. Hotels, emergency shelters and more importantly your family will be more open to take you and the dog in if you have a crate in tow. Like a good scout, be prepared.
Den dos and don’ts
Do use your crate for housebreaking
Do use your crate if you have a destructive dog
Do make sure it is a fun, cozy, secure place with treats and toys
Do feed your dog in the crate
Don’t replace the crate as a socialization tool
Don’t use as a remedy for separation anxiety, for your dog could get hurt
Don’t use a crate for punishment
Don’t crate for more than eight hours with an adult dog; much less with puppies
Don’t listen to a song called “Suzy Snowflake”
Alternatives to crating can be even more stimulating and effective for your dog. Hire a pet walker while you are gone or use a doggy day care. Doggy day care is all the rage and you bring home a very social pup. We put our human kids in day care so why not the dog? I prefer this over long hours of crating.
As for Ollie, his sanity has returned and Fred now uses a crate and calls it his den. His new throw pillows lay beautifully on his couch in one piece and the garbage now stays in the can. Shenanigans are now supervised, the way it should have been from the get go. Fred didn’t get dumped.
Remember a crate isn’t cruel unless you make it that way. Don’t screw up.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Affordable Strays
Dear Randy,
We found a stray dog several months ago and didn’t know what to do with her, so we kept her. We’ve fallen absolutely in love with her, but my husband has lost his job, and now we don’t know if we can afford to keep her any more.
Thanks for any advice!
I received this not long ago, and my heart went out to these folks. It’s always tough when you find a stray dog, and the decision of whether or not to rescue her isn’t made any easier during hard economic times. So here’s my two centsworth on both subjects ...
In terms of what to do if you find a stray dog, remember that your local shelter is already bursting at the seams, and always full. Most cities and towns have a very high kill rate at their shelters, and chances of a stray making it out alive can be slim at best. Skip the shelters. First, keep the pooch safe and secure in your home, in a crate or a spare room. I have used my bathroom plenty of times, and I’ve finally gotten used to being stared at as I drop the kids off at the pool.
Kindness is key: Treat the dog as if it were your own, but keep him separated from your other pets until you’ve had a chance to take him to the veterinarian. At the vet’s you can have him scanned for a microchip, which could solve everything. If your luck is like mine, though, there probably won’t be a microchip. Have the vet give him his basic shots and exam, but tell the doc that he is a stray and maybe he’ll go easy on the price.
Find a Stray Dog’s Guardians
Place a found-dog ad in the local paper; these ads are usually free. Provide a generic description so when people call, you can ask for a more detailed description of Fido. This helps keep the crazies away, like the creeps who sell animals to laboratories.
Make flyers and post them near the area he was found and at area animal-ish types of places, such as groomers, pet stores, etc.
Surf the Net and post on craigslist.com and on lostandfound.com.
If you still haven’t found Fido’s guardians and it’s five days (and two bottles of vodka) later, maybe by now the li’l guy has started to grow on you, and you decide to adopt the dog yourself. You just won the Randy Grim Merit Award.
If you throw my merit award in the trash and don’t want to keep Fido, then place him yourself. You can do it. Feel free to go to www.strayrescue.org and use our online adoption form. Pretend you are a shelter. Be picky.
Finding a suitable home takes some time, but it helps to network with friends, family, and coworkers. Never place an ad saying “free to a good home,” or the crazies will come a-knocking. Charge the same adoption fee as your local shelter, and in return, the new guardian will get a dog that is vaccinated, microchipped, de-sexed, and given a clean bill of health. You can now go back to the trash can, pull out your crumpled-up Merit Award, and enjoy a martini, for you just made the world a better place.
If you do decide to keep the dog or if you already have a dog but have fallen on hard times, there is a solution, at least with my organization, and I’ll bet many others.
If you’re giving up on your dog because you can’t afford his food and basic care, here are some money-saving tips:
To save money on food, buy in bulk when on sale. Discount and club stores offer less-expensive products than your grocery store, and dollar stores are now carrying higher-quality brands of dog food, too.
Be a smart shopper; shop around, and use your coupons. If you’re shopping on-line, search for coupon codes and you can save a lot.
Purchase pet health insurance, usually about $20 a month. Many dog insurance policies also cover wellness exams, including the dog’s vaccinations, heartworm tests and meds, fecal tests, and more. You would get what you invested back within a year. Be responsible and make sure your dog sees the vet annually. Wellness exams can prevent something much worse later on. If an unexpected injury or illness occurs, you are covered, and you’ll be kissing your insurance bill for saving your butt. If it is a surgery you can’t afford, ask a rescue group or shelter if they can help; in return, you can step up to the plate and volunteer and/or foster as a way of paying back the debt.
Ask to set up a payment plan with your local veterinarian.
Most cities offer assistance programs that spay and neuter for free, or for next to nothing.
Afterword: Randy on a Soapbox
The excuses you’ve read in this book are real; the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Often I am asked, “How do you handle the sadness of rescue and returned dogs?” I usually say, “With vodka and Xanax,” which is my way of staying sane and avoiding suckerpunching the next person who walks in the shelter and says, “I can’t keep my dog because ...”
For over a decade, I have been given every excuse imaginable about why I must take their dog off their hands. The time has come for me to wire my jaws shut from this nauseating meal and to teach people the proper way to care for their dog—a much healthier diet.
Many lame, eye-rolling excuses as well as outright lies are given when someone forces us to take their “beloved” pet, or w
hen families come back and say they need to return the pet they adopted from Stray Rescue. In my experience, about 2 percent of the excuses are understandable to my psyche. It’s the remaining 98 percent that causes everyone at the shelter to experience flu-like symptoms, or to have to fight the urge to go “postal,” and/or break out the booze.
I have endured many uncomfortable close encounters with “dumpers,” my term for these folks. Once the leash is out of their hands, the dumper always scurries out the door like a rodent on a mission for a piece of cheese, seemingly guilt-free and ready to start their new life, companion-animal-free. Left on their own, their former faithful friend now has to adjust to an anxiety-filled life behind bars, a pooch prison, waiting for her third lease on life. Grrrrrr. I hope the dumper’s cheese is spoiled.
There are hundreds of reasons why companion animals are turned in to our nation’s strained shelter system. Most shelters have heard every excuse known to man and dog. The most oft-used reasons range from “We’re moving” or “We’re having a baby” to “My dog is boring” and the ever-common “We don’t want to put up a fence.” (In actuality we did have a dog returned for being lazy. I guess it was my fault; I should have given the dumpers some “doggie uppers” when they adopted.)
The problem starts where problems usually do—at the beginning. Shelter staffs are not trained to provide pet guardians with proper information about training a new dog or puppy, the importance of spaying and neutering their pet, nor solutions to behavioral problems, should they arise after adoption. Likewise, new guardians are not instructed on how to choose the proper dog for their family and lifestyle. Nor do they put much thought into the “purchase” of a new life, a new member of the family.
