* * *
“Quiet down everybody!”
I raise my voice attempting to shush the twenty teenagers I teach in the last class of the day. There are times when I want my English class back, the original class I taught when I came here and the class I still teach at night on occasion, but typically I love that I’ve been able to mix things up. This last class of the day, let’s just say if they were my first, I’d probably have given up on teaching. On a good day they’re hard to control; today, they’re trying my patience. They’ve been this way since we came back from our Christmas break. This group of seniors is ready for the year to be over. If they continue on the way they have been, I’ll be glad to see the ass-end of this school year too.
“Okay, next week we’ll have a few of your family members coming in to talk about their jobs and realistic expectations regarding real-life wages and education. What I want from you all tomorrow is a two-page paper on what your dream occupation would be, comparing it to what Laurel Springs has to offer. If you were to be able to get your dream job, what would you need to do to achieve it? How would you make it happen? If you don’t make it happen, where do you think you’ll end up?”
There’s groans throughout the room and a few giggles. Sitting on my desk, I look out amongst these kids, who are so close to adults, and try to remember back to how I felt at this time in my life. My dream hadn’t been to be a teacher. I’d wanted to be an artist. As a teenager, I’d dabbled in drawing, pottery, painting, and anything else I could get my hands on. Some days I wish I had made the decision to keep going, but at the end of the day, I do love these kids.
“I need that tomorrow,” I remind them as the bell rings, signaling the end of my day. Already I know which ones will turn it in, and which ones won’t.
“Caleb,” I call out to one of my students as they file out. “Your dad is still good with coming to talk to us?”
All I know is his dad is a member of the Moonshine Task Force here in the county, and given that the kids have had issues with drinking, I think it would be good for him to talk to all of us.
“Yeah.” He nods, waving to a girl who tells him bye, giving her a smile. This kid is going to have so many women at college. “This will be his mid-shift, but he’ll be here for the second half. They’ve got it cleared.”
“I’ll thank him when he’s here, but please tell him as well. It could be a bit of a hostile environment, considering what he represents.”
We both know I’m talking about the moonshine being shared in the school. The teachers have been warned, but the perpetrator still hasn’t been caught.
“Ms. Holland, my dad’s a strong dude; he knows what he’s in for.”
I give Caleb a smile. “You know your dad better than anybody, so I’ll have to trust you on this.”
He pulls his bag over his shoulder. “I gotta get to conditioning. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Giving him my own wave, I watch him leave; excited for the opportunity I’m going to be able to give my students.
Menace
“What does it mean when a woman you had a good time with and thought for sure you’d see again, completely stops returning your texts and doesn’t answer your phone calls?” I ask my son as we sit down to dinner together.
He chuckles, taking a drink of his water. “You mean she ghosted you, Dad? One date and she ghosted you?”
“What the hell does ghosted mean?”
Sometimes when he talks, I feel ninety years old.
“When someone totally disappears from your life, without a trace.”
Exactly what hot-as-hell-Karina did to me? “Yeah, that’s it, then. She even took her profile down on the site.”
“Damn, Dad. Are you that bad of a date?”
Truthfully, I hadn’t thought I was. But maybe I’ve been out of the game longer than I thought. “I didn’t think so.” I load my fork up with the steamed broccoli I made.
“Go for it again, I can tell you had a good time. You were smiling for a couple of days after. You seemed not so serious for a while. It looked good on you.”
“I smile.” I’m offended that my son acts like I don’t.
He chews thoughtfully on the chicken he grilled for us, while I’d made the sides. “You do smile, but you smile like I did a few months ago. It’s for appearances purpose; it doesn’t meet your eyes. Face it, Dad, you’re sick of living your life alone. It’s not a bad thing but be honest with yourself. For those few days after your date, your smile reached your eyes and you didn’t look like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
Caleb and I, we’ve come a long way in the past few months since he was pulled over with his friends for having moonshine and drugs in a car, and since he was caught drunk in public. We’ve gotten closer, we call each other on our shit, and there aren’t secrets between us anymore. Except for our love lives, he knows all about safe sex, and as long as he’s practicing it, I’m good. I have zero desire to know who or what my son is screwing, and I’m sure he feels the same way about me.
“Then that’s something I’ll work on. I’m not gonna lie and say there aren’t days and nights when I’m not lonely. When you were younger, it was easier for me to stay busy, and even during the last few years. I’ve worked a lot of overtime to be able to provide you with options for college, unlike what I had. Only to find out, you didn’t even need it.” I give him a grin. He’s been accepted to the University of Alabama on a full-ride football scholarship, and I’ve never been prouder of him. All the time I’d worked, all the money I’d saved, it’s still worth it, because it’ll give him a jumpstart on life I never had. But I’m quickly beginning to realize I’ve got to make myself happy too. He’s not going to be here, and if my life is wrapped up in him? Then there’s no life for me to live.
“Now’s your time, Dad.” He nods toward me. “You do you, I don’t need you around all the time like I used to. As long as we get to eat dinner together a few times a week and get to spend a couple of days a month together, I’m good. If I have to share you with a woman, I will. You’re gonna be lonely when I leave for Tuscaloosa in the summer.”
My chest physically hurts at those words. “Don’t remind me. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you here.”
“Now’s the time to find out, don’t waste it. I’m sure you’ll find something or someone to occupy your time with.” He flashes me a smartass grin.
“I’m sure I will too.”
Truth was though; I really wanted to spend my time with Karina. If only I could get her to return my attempts to get in touch with her.
* * *
Grocery shopping is my least favorite responsibility of being an adult. Always has been, always will be. I can do laundry, vacuum, dust furniture, passably cook – you name it, I do it all. The one thing I typically fail at? Grocery shopping. I never go until we have absolutely nothing in our fridge. My list is literally a mile long on my phone, and I’m already over it.
“Hey Mason.” I hear a female voice, as I round the corner into the produce section.
“Hey.” I wave slightly at the woman speaking to me. I’ve seen her around town before, have spoken with her a few times, but I can never remember her name. And right now she’s standing in front of the asparagus I need to go with one of the meals I have planned for the week. That’s right, I’m a meal planner. If I wasn’t, nothing would ever get cooked or we’d just have cereal every night. “Mind if I get in there.” I point behind her. “I’m kinda in a hurry; it’s been a long day.”
She looks me up and down, taking in the uniform I’m wearing. I’ve gotten enough looks like this to know she appreciates the way I fill it out. She’s probably thinking of an officer fantasy in her head, and I’m the star of the show. Today I don’t have patience for it. All I want to do is get home, make dinner, and chill. The one woman I want the attention of still isn’t paying any to me.
“I’m sure you did. Must be hard to go home and take care of your son at the end of
the day by yourself.”
It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes. “These days not so much, considering he’s an adult. Turned eighteen at the beginning of the month. He doesn’t need me all the time anymore.” I make a lunge at a wrapped bunch of asparagus.
She grabs hold of it, yanking it to pull me closer to her. “Then maybe you need someone to take care of you? There’s gotta be needs you have that aren’t being fulfilled.”
Her voice has dropped to levels that just aren’t appropriate for the grocery store, and they aren’t appropriate for me – ever. This isn’t the woman I want, she’s not the one who’s been keeping me up at night with a hard-on. She’s not the one I’ve been fantasizing about as I take care of business in the shower. Out of the corner of my eye I see hair and a body I would know anywhere. She’s leaving the grocery store, and all I want to do is run after her, ask her exactly why she’s been avoiding me.
Ignoring the woman still speaking to me, I move my cart toward the checkout lines, but we have people, carts, and checkout lanes in between us. I can’t leave the food I’ve picked up; we need it at the house. With one last ditch effort, I yell her name.
“Karina!”
She glances back, her eyes widen in recognition, and just like that she’s swallowed up in the afternoon rush of grocery shoppers. “Damnit.” I beat my hand against the handle of the cart.
Something I do know for sure now, that I didn’t know with certainty before: She lives here. No one else would be going to this hole-in-the-wall one stop shop if they didn’t. Now I just have to figure out what it’ll take for her to speak to me again – and maybe give me another shot.
One thing about me is that I don’t give up easily. I felt something with this woman, something I’ve never felt before, not even with Caleb’s mom, and I’ll be damned if I just let it walk away without trying to explore it.
One way or another, hopefully I’ll get an answer.
CHAPTER THREE
Karina
My heart pounds as I throw my grocery bags into my trunk and then hop into my car speeding away from the grocery store. I’m not sure why it unnerves me so much that Mason was there, not sure why seeing him caused such a reaction within me, I’m seriously not sure of anything right now. All I know is the way he made me feel in those few hours I’ll never forget. I want it again, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to invite this man back into my life. He could break me in ways my ex-fiancé never did.
Nothing I got at the grocery is in danger of spoiling, and right now I’m not looking to go home to an empty house. With my free hand, I pick my cell phone up from my cup holder and use the voice to text option to text one of the only friends I have here, Violet. Even being here for almost two years, it’s been hard to make acquaintances. Most people don’t come to Laurel Springs; most are born here and move away or are born here and stay here. It’s not necessarily the destination of many graduates, but I’ve found a home here. One I enjoy, even if it’s lonely sometimes.
K: Care to get a coffee? I really need someone to talk to.
V: Sure! Anthony’s working tonight, and I just left The Café, it was totally dead tonight. If you don’t care that I’m dressed like a waitress, I’ll be there.
K: Meet you there in about five minutes.
I’m taking my coffee to an empty table in the back when Violet walks in, wearing her uniform and a warm jacket. Her hair is in one of the fancy braids she likes to wear, and I’m struck by how happy she looks. There’s a glow to her face, a spring to her step, and an easy smile as she places her order. A year ago, she hadn’t been happy, she hadn’t worn her hair in a braid, and we hadn’t even been friends. I was blessed to meet her at a time when we both needed one.
She waves at me and I wave back as I take off my coat, hanging it on the back of my chair. Having a seat in front of the window, I cross my legs and watch as families go about their nightly routines. Since I’ve been in Laurel Springs, it’s been unusual for me to see people actually wearing jackets, but today they’re dressed in hoodies, beanies, and gloves. A cold front moved in this afternoon, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think I was back in Pennsylvania.
“How’s it going?” Violet asks as she has a seat across from me, getting situated much the same way I did.
“Not too bad,” I lie, wondering if it sounds forced to her like it sounds forced to me.
Violet tilts her head, pursing her lips, choosing to call me on my bullshit “You say that enough times and I might believe it. You’re talking to me, Karina. What’s happening?”
Taking a drink from my cup, I sigh. It’s tortured, frustrated, and full of every emotion I’ve been feeling for the past year. “I went out on that date with the guy from the app.”
“It went bad?”
I’d kept her out of the loop when I’d gotten back, because I’d been conflicted about my feelings, and a bit surprised that he and I had gone that far in the backseat of his vehicle. It’s totally out of character for me, and I hadn’t exactly wanted to hear her vocalize the things I already knew I was feeling. Why I worried, I’m not sure now, because if anyone wouldn’t look upon me with judgement, it would be Violet. After all, she was married when she met her now fiancé.
“No.” I shake my head, recalling just how much fun I had with Mason. Before the physical aspect had started, we’d laughed, told jokes, and generally had a great meal together. “It went amazing. We had dinner in Birmingham, shut the damn place down, and when it was over…” I trail off, not sure how much I want to share.
“What happened?” Violet presses me to continue. By looking at her, I know she can tell I’m holding something back.
“Me and this guy.” I play with the lid on my coffee. My eyes not meeting hers, not because I’m ashamed, but I don’t want her to know how much it affected me. “We had the most passionate encounter I’ve ever had. Like I didn’t know I was capable of that kind of heat with someone. He made my body shake, made me forget who I was, where I was, and made me picture a future that wasn’t alone.”
“Sounds like he is an amazing guy. Why aren’t you happy about it?”
“The things he made me feel.” I shake my head, trying to articulate my fears. “They scare me. I mean I was engaged to another man, was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My ex-fiancé, Braxton, never inspired the types of feelings this guy did. That’s what scares me. If I were to give him the option, he’d have power over me. And I gave Braxton power, enough power to bring me to my knees and make me move thousands of miles to get away from the memories.”
Violet is quiet for a few moments, fiddling with her container of coffee. She sighs, pulling her long-sleeve shirt over her fingers, and then bringing her arm up to push her hair behind her ear. “Take it from someone who knows, Rina. Sometimes giving another person that type of power is good. Sometimes it’s the best present you can give yourself. Why not give it a shot and see what happens between the two of you?”
“He’s a single dad.” I use the excuse I’ve been running through my head for the past few days. I play with the bracelet on my wrist, smiling wistfully as I think about the things Mason told me about his day-to-day life. “The mother isn’t in the picture, but I’m not sure he wants to bring another woman into his kid’s life.”
“Single dad’s need love too,” she giggles, winking at me. “Probably need more love than the average man, if he’s been alone a long time. Get what I’m saying?”
He’d needed a lot of love. That I could categorically say for sure. “I don’t know.” I shrug, at a loss for words. “I just don’t know. I saw him at the grocery tonight, and I ran from him.”
“You ran?” Violet laughs. “I’ve never known you to run from anything, in the short amount of time we’ve known one another.”
“I know this is totally not the person I am.”
“He must have had a really nice dick,” Violet mumbles, her cheeks turning a rosy red color.
I spurt my coffee out, be
fore trying to wipe down the table. “Damn girl, Anthony has loosened that mouth of yours; I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Am I wrong?” She raises an eyebrow to me, daring me to tell her she is.
No she’s not, and that’s the bitch of the situation. She’s totally right, and I want to know everything about the man I’ve had a taste of. The thing is, I just have to reach out, grab hold, and not let go. The question is – am I brave enough?
I’d like to think so, but sometimes the bravest can be the weakest. Given that fact, I have a lot to prove to myself.
Menace
Irritated with what went down at the grocery store, I’m angrily throwing my bags onto the counter, trying to slow my accelerated heartrate. For so long I lived like a damn monk, and the first time I try to get back out into the dating world, it backfires on me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I’m just meant to be alone and have a booty call here and there.
But that’s not true. I know it’s not true.
If there’s something I know about myself, it’s that I truly want to share my life with a partner. I’d give up anything in the world for my son, but I’m tired. Tired of being alone, tired of not having anyone to discuss problems with, tired of not having someone to share my day with, and really fucking tired of my bed being empty.
Working on putting the groceries away, I think back to the day Caleb was born. Me and Maggie, his mom, were so young, we didn’t know what to do. Hell, our parents weren’t even there because they didn’t agree with us keeping him. Throughout the entire seven months I was aware of the pregnancy, abortion and adoption were words thrown around every day from one of their mouths. I’d fought tooth and nail to get her to keep Caleb, and neither of my parents had been supportive. Eventually my mom came around, but my dad and I still have a strained relationship. I don’t see that ever changing, which is why my relationship with my own son means so much to me.
Menace Page 3
