Could that be my face smiling? Malcolm wondered. “Jesse, when Stephanie is baptized, I’ll personally fly you out to Kodiak.” His smile vanished. Even if his daughter survived, he didn’t know if she and Karissa would be on Kodiak in eight years. Karissa hated the island, and if they were to separate, she would most likely leave.
“Uh, Jesse,” he said as his friend turned to go, “I wonder if you could tell me something.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“It’s pretty personal.”
“Go ahead, shoot. I’ll tell you if you go too far.”
“About Brionney. She was married before. Doesn’t that bother you?”
A shadow passed over Jesse’s face. “Bother me? Heck, yes! I hate the way that jerk treated her. I almost wished I could kill him.”
That wasn’t quite what Malcolm wanted to know. “But doesn’t it bother you that she was with another man?”
Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “What are you saying, Malcolm? That it’s Brionney’s fault her husband left her? She did everything in her power to make it work, and when it didn’t, I was grateful to be there to help her put the pieces back together.” He paused, as if dissecting Malcolm’s soul. “I’ll tell you what really bothers me, though. It bothers me that I didn’t accept the gospel when you first taught it to me. It bothers me that because of fear I wasn’t at Brigham Young University when Brionney met Derek. I should have been there to fall in love with her, to protect her. Me. It’s not her fault.”
Malcolm tried again. “But her having had his child . . . doesn’t that bug you?”
Jesse held up his hand. “Stop right there, Malcolm. You just stop right there! Savannah is Derek’s biological daughter, but that’s all. I’m her father in every other sense. I don’t know why things happened the way they did, but neither Brionney or I would cut Derek out of our past, because he gave us Savannah. She is unique, and we couldn’t have gotten her any other way. Brionney is who she is— the woman I love—partly as a result of her experience with her first husband. I know she loves me, that she’s mine for eternity. That’s all that matters, not my ego.”
He took a deep breath and plunged on. “I think what you’re trying to ask is if you’re justified in divorcing your wife because of her past. Isn’t it? Brionney told me about it this week after Karissa told her that you knew. She thought you might want to talk, and she wanted me to know Karissa’s side.”
“What, that she lied, that she aborted—”
“She was sixteen!” Jesse said. “And for support, the boy gave her the money to get an abortion. She had no one to turn to—you know how her father treated her. Good grief! Have a little compassion.”
Malcolm’s whole body tensed. “She knew it was wrong. She lied to me, she failed me. How can I trust her again?”
“The way I see it, you failed her. Where were you when she needed you?”
“But—”
“I’m not talking about when she was sixteen. I’m talking about when you first met. You loved her, didn’t you?” Fire blazed in Jesse’s eyes, and he didn’t seem to care about the other people in the waiting room who could hear his raised voice. “You could have found out her problems and gotten everything straightened out then. You could have taken her to the temple and done it right the first time. You, Malcolm. But no, you took the coward’s way out! You loved her, you wanted her, but you cared more about your own immediate desires than you cared about Karissa’s future. Why didn’t you find out why a deeply spiritual woman like Karissa would let tobacco get in the way of eternity? Did you really love her at all?”
“I’m the one who’s been wronged here!” Malcolm hissed.
“What, and now you’re waiting for her to crawl across a bed of nails and beg for your precious forgiveness? She knows she was wrong! She’s going through hell because of it. Even I can see that. But don’t you think she’s suffered enough? And anyway, who are you to have to forgive her past? It had nothing to do with you.”
“There’s such a thing as justice.”
“Whose? Yours or the Lord’s? Abortion is wrong. We all know that. But we can never be the judge of someone else’s load of sin. All I know is that under certain circumstances, the Lord’s atonement is expansive enough to cover all things. Look at the Apostle Paul, who was responsible for the deaths of so many Christians, or Alma the Younger, who caused the spiritual deaths of countless people before he repented. Even the Savior, as He was nailed to the cross, asked His Father to forgive those who murdered him. Murdered, Malcolm. And you know what? We don’t know the circumstances of the choices Karissa made—only the Lord does. And He alone will decide who is forgiven and when. You don’t want the Lord to remember your sins, so why are you so intent on keeping Karissa’s alive? Boy, do you have a lot to repent for!”
“Me?” Malcolm could hardly believe what his friend was saying.
“You. And if you don’t start doing it soon, your relationship with Karissa will shatter, and I’ve no doubt Damon will help her pick up the pieces.” Jesse stomped to the elevator. “Think about it. We’ll be back at two with the sacrament. Will you be worthy to take it?”
Malcolm realized he was staring after Jesse, his mouth agape. He shut it with a snap. The other people in the waiting room pretended to mind their own business, but when his back was turned, he could feel their eyes following him.
Jesse’s words churned inside his mind, especially the vivid picture of a bloodied Karissa crawling across a sharp bed of nails, pleading for his mercy. Is that really what he wanted? Would it make a difference?
He returned to Stephanie’s room. Karissa was still asleep, and he noticed how fragile, tiny, and alone she looked. Moisture filled his eyes and he blinked it away. What was happening to him? Where was his anger? He felt more vulnerable than he ever remembered feeling. More than anything, he wanted to feel her in his arms. I love her, he thought. I will always love her. But is it enough?
* * * * *
Karissa thought a long time before coming to the decision. Since her experience during Stephanie’s operation and subsequent conversations with Damon, she’d come to the amazing conclusion that somehow the Lord still cared for her, even though she no longer had a chance for salvation. This miraculous knowledge gave Karissa the strength to pray again, silently but fervently.
Dear Father, I love this little girl with all my heart, and if you let her live, I’ll be the best mother anyone could be. I’ll teach her about the gospel and how important it is. I’ll do everything in my power to see that she makes it back to You. I promise I’ll be there for her when she makes her mistakes, before it’s too late.
She paused, reaching past the terrible pain in her heart for what she really needed to say. But, dear Father, if You want her back, take her. Spare her this pain. Spare her another surgery. I know she’ll be much better in Your care than in mine, and I love her too much to see her suffer this way. She shouldn’t have to endure such horrible pain. Please, if it be Thy will, take my baby now. I will still spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did. Please don’t let her suffer anymore for my transgressions.
A warm, comforting spirit filled Karissa’s heart. She didn’t know whether or not that meant Steph would soon die, but she did know that God would do what was best for her child. Whatever that was, Karissa would accept His will.
* * * * *
At two that afternoon, their friends and family gathered in a staff room as promised. Malcolm sat on a chair near Karissa. Her mother and a nurse had promised to stay with baby Stephanie, who was much stronger today. Even so, Malcolm was sure she would have refused if Damon hadn’t said something to convince her to come. Damon now sat on Karissa’s other side, talking quietly with her. To Malcolm’s annoyance, the pain etched on his wife’s pale face relaxed every time Damon spoke. He felt a mixture of jealousy and disgust.
Brionney settled next to Damon, her round face soft and pretty. On the front row sat Faith and Richard Mathees, and next to them was Warren
Apple, who occasionally glanced over his shoulder at Karissa. The tender concern in his face went against everything Malcolm knew of Karissa’s stern father. The man seemed almost human. Next to Warren, Delinda brightened up the room with a dazzling red dress and glittering gold jewelry. Her attire made Malcolm notice that all their visitors wore Sunday clothes. Only he and Karissa wore Levis.
“Malcolm,” said a voice beside him.
“Jud!” Malcolm grinned with genuine pleasure. “What are you doing here?”
The muscle under the skin on Jud’s cheek twitched. “Came to see how you were doing.” He nodded his head at Delinda, who sat in the row of chairs in front of them. “Can’t let the Relief Society sisters get all the credit.”
“It’s a long way for a home teaching visit.”
“I wanted to make sure you couldn’t use another hand.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” Malcolm said.
Jud leaned over him. “Hello, Karissa. How’re you holding up?”
Her smile flickered briefly. “I’m doing okay. It’s nice to see you.”
Jud ducked his head, showing his balding spot. “We all fasted, you know. The whole ward.”
“Delinda told us,” Karissa said. “I’m very grateful to you all.”
“Of course we’re here for you,” Damon said. “We’ll do anything to make this easier.”
Karissa shrugged. “I’m taking one day at a time.” Her gaze flashed to Malcolm, and he saw her lips tighten.
“Let’s get going.” Jesse stood in front of the two rows of chairs. He placed two of the chairs in front, facing the small audience. A short man came from the side of the room and sat in one of the chairs. “This is Bishop Gunther from my ward,” Jesse announced. “He’ll be presiding, and he’s asked me to conduct. We thought a testimony meeting would be particularly appropriate, although we don’t have much time. The doctors and nurses have allowed us an hour.”
After the opening song, Delinda gave a prayer. Richard Mathees passed the sacrament. Malcolm accepted the tray, took a piece of bread, then passed it to Karissa, who served the tray to Damon without taking a piece. Damon motioned for her to take one, but she colored and shook her head. An odd look came over Damon’s face, and Malcolm was startled to recognize it as compassion. Tears started down his wife’s face, and Damon hurriedly passed the bread to Brionney.
Jesse opened the meeting for testimonies, beginning with his own. Faith, Richard, Delinda, and Jud filed up in turn, each bearing a brief testimony. Malcolm remembered from his mission what constituted a pure, basic testimony: the knowledge that God and Jesus Christ lived, that Jesus was the Savior who atoned for the sins of the world, that Joseph Smith was a prophet through whom the Lord had restored the only true Church, that the Book of Mormon was the word of God, and lastly that living prophets spoke for God on earth. With these simple yet potent declarations, the Spirit came and entered Malcolm’s heart.
When the others had returned to their seats, Damon stood and moved to the front. He also bore a pure testimony, but instead of sitting down, he remained standing, willing them to the utmost attention with his intense eyes. “I want all of you here to know of the great admiration I have for Karissa. She has proven so strong during this trial. Some might believe that little Steph’s problems stem from past sins, but that’s simply not true. I believe Stephanie knew what she would face here on earth, and she chose to bear these trials because she loves her mom and wants to be with her and no other. I feel this very strongly, more strongly than I have ever felt anything, and I thought you should all know.” He closed in the name of Jesus Christ and returned to his seat. Malcolm saw that Karissa didn’t look his way, but sat listening, her eyes focused on her lap.
Brionney stood next. “I am so grateful to my Savior for all He has done for me,” she began, “and I know that someday we are going to look back at this trial with different eyes. Years ago, when I lost twin babies, I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. But now that seems almost foolish. I recovered, and we went on with our lives, and we were happy. I believe we will look back upon Stephanie’s trials with greater understanding in the years to come.”
Jesse touched his wife’s hand briefly as she passed him on her way to her seat. Malcolm could feel their love, and out of habit he reached out to Karissa. Before he could touch her, she stiffened and brought a hand to her mouth as she stared at her father, who was standing in front of the room.
Warren said nothing for a long time, but looked at Karissa. The room grew utterly silent as everyone sensed the importance of this moment. “I need to bear my testimony,” he said. “The last time I felt the urge this strong was when my eighteen-year-old daughter asked me why I didn’t go up and bear my testimony in sacrament meeting. I told her I would do it the next time. But that day was the last time I saw her in church. To my knowledge, she has never returned until today.” The room had been reverent before, but the hush that now prevailed made Malcolm’s very breathing seem loud.
“I think,” Warren continued, “that if I had borne my testimony to her that day, perhaps she would have been strong enough on her own to make better choices. I failed then as a parent, and especially as my family’s patriarch, and over the past years I have learned how serious that error was.” He blinked rapidly, then wiped a finger over his right eye. “I want you to know, Karissa, how sorry I am. And I want you to know that I know God lives! I know He loves you. For many years I have blamed you for the life you have chosen, instead of seeing that I, too, am to blame.” He stopped and raised his hands to Karissa in a pleading gesture. “I know I’ve been wrong, but I’m here now. And I love you, no matter what.”
Karissa hurried to her father and hugged him. “Thank you, Dad,” she whispered.
She faced the group, holding her father’s hand. “I also have a testimony,” she said. “I always have.” She stared at the floor a full minute before continuing. “I had an experience during Steph’s surgery. I felt my baby’s heartbeat and had difficulty breathing. I couldn’t move at all. It was as if I was there with her in spirit. I didn’t understand this experience until today. Damon helped me. While we were waiting for the meeting to begin, he said perhaps this was God’s way of showing me that it’s time to come back to the gospel. I feel maybe that’s right. It’s time I started spending the rest of my life making things better—if it can be done. Thank you, Damon. Thank you all.”
She hesitated, as if there was something more, something she was unsure if she should share. Her father put his arm around her, and she seemed to find the strength to continue. “This morning I did something I never thought I could do. I prayed that the Lord’s will be done. If Stephanie isn’t supposed to live, I want her to go back to the Lord. I love her so much, but if loving her means giving her up so that she doesn’t have to go through any more pain, then I can accept that. I must accept that.” She looked up at the ceiling, as if searching for God, and Malcolm looked there too, almost expecting to see something. “She’s Yours, Father. Thy will be done. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Karissa and her father returned to their chairs. Jesse looked over at Malcolm, who was the only person besides the bishop who had not borne his testimony. Malcolm shook his head slowly, feeling suddenly unworthy, and Jesse stood to close the meeting.
As the group sang, Malcolm silently stared at nothing. Karissa had experienced a spiritual connection to Stephanie during the operation. Why would the Lord allow such a thing? Could it be that His justice had been satisfied? Malcolm reviewed the steps of repentance in his mind. Had Karissa done all she could?
Malcolm had to admit that it seemed she had. Why then was he still so angry at her? Was it only his ego standing in the way of their happiness, as Jesse had inferred?
Oh, Lord, Malcolm prayed. Help me understand.
It was the first time since Karissa’s confession that he’d prayed for his marriage, the first time he’d really considered any option but divorce. What I need now is some revelation, he though
t.
And maybe some repentance. The thought didn’t surprise him the way it had when Jesse first suggested it.
He returned to Stephanie’s room in silence, kissed the baby, and turned to Karissa. “I’m going out for a while,” he said softly. “When I come back, we need to talk.”
Fear leapt into Karissa’s eyes, but she only nodded.
As he turned to leave, Malcolm spied the Ensign Karissa had been reading. Without knowing why, he stopped and scooped up the magazine. Confusion ate at his soul; perhaps in the words of the prophets he could find some solace.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Karissa knew by the seriousness of Malcolm’s tone that the little talk he had planned would change their lives. She was glad he’d left her time to prepare her fight. For fight was what she intended to do.
Stephanie made a cooing sound from the crib, and Karissa stroked her daughter. “I’m so sorry, Steph, but it’s almost over now.” Karissa firmly believed that. One way or the other, the Lord was in charge.
The baby’s skin still sagged, but for the last two days she’d gained weight slowly on the IV solution. New hope blossomed in Karissa’s heart. As soon as Steph could resume nursing, Karissa knew her weight would jump dramatically, and she now pumped her milk every few hours with a double electric pump the nurses let her use, donating her milk to the premature baby bank.
An intense love for her daughter dominated Karissa, and for a moment, it was as if she could see beyond the child’s tiny physical shell and catch a glimpse of the beautiful woman she would one day become, in this life or the next—a tall and strong daughter of God.
A soft coughing sound drew her thoughts away from the baby. “Damon,” she said. “You startled me.”
“I came by to see Steph.” He glanced around the room. “I see your husband’s not here.”
“No.”
Damon stepped closer, so close she could smell the clean scent of his shirt and the masculine aroma of his cologne. Her heart pounded as his hand closed over hers. She was all too aware that besides Stephanie and another sleeping baby, they were alone in the room.
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